StarStruck

Last week I opened a thread about my evil intentions. I'm very ashamed of it but I did something evil. I dated this girl several times and she was holding me on the line, planning dates with me and then canceling it. This happened 3 times in a row, and then she just dumped me without explanation. I was so deeply hurt because we had the same feelings and out of nowhere (after she canceled the date that she planned herself) she just started ghosting me. I asked her to give me at least some explanation of what is happening with her but she simply opened my text, read it, and left it on read. I was so hurt and I did everything in my power to heal myself and heal my heart. I even opened a thread about it on this forum but it wasn't received kindly and it was shut down without me getting help. What I can say is that I did something evil and I won't give details because I don't want to break the rules of this forum by spreading devilry on this forum. It felt like I had no option. She hurt me so I had to hurt her, otherwise the anger would destroy me. I was just awestruck by how a girl just can change feelings for you at a drop of a hat. She told me I was the nicest guy ever (something I hear a lot from girls) and I always get treated like trash by them. So I did that "thing" which I won't speak of. It is really ingenious so I don't want to motivate others to do the same thing. Afterwards it did give me relief in a primitive way. I was not proud of myself! The girl who ghosted me for two weeks, who didn't answer my text, called me; on the phone she was angry and sad. I felt the worst person in the world. My heart was crying from the inside while listening to her. The girl who hurt me so much was in hurt. It was satisfying in a primitive way but I was disgusted with myself. I'm done with being a nice guy and this was like my "ritual" to leave that nice guy behind me and become somebody with a healthy ego. After having done this I can't call myself a "nice guy" anymore. At the same time I'm very confused, sad, angry, and some other emotions. I really need to do some deep heeling. I just wanted to share this story because I feel sick to my stomach. I opened a thread last week before doing it. I spoke with my therapist about it and there was just a force within me that just pushed me to do it. I'm afraid to tell it to my therapist.

If I learned one thing from this thread. Spread love as long as you can spread love and be ruthless as ruthless as you can and want to be. As a man you need the feminine; the ability to love. AND the masculine part which is being ruthless. If you can't show the potential to be ruthless (she will be able to feel this so you don't need to demonstate it) she will be ruthless to you. She won't be sexually attracted and treat you like a bug.

@Preety_India I think you have some regard to male perspective but you still have a lot of deficiencies in your understanding. You are projecting your own behavior onto males. This is where it boils down to. We males don't tell females to change for us. No male on this forum ever told a female to change for a male. YOU females (not you specifically) constantly tell males to change. That is the difference. All the while you don't fully understand male POV.

That is how a middle ground is negotiated. By attack and counter attack. You don't want guys to counter attack and just be a cuck to female interests. That is not how it works. In my opinion he makes valid points. From my own experience as a male I can verify him.

Thanks. Are you referring to absolute love? She is not my girl.I'm not captain save a hoe and I'm not here to save every girl out there. They need to earn that privilege. Leo's video about needy versus non-needy perception helped me to understand what you describe here but I can't help it but be depressed. A broken heart is not easily healed. I'm very bitter how she strung me along for a month, constantly making appointment and cancelling and then just ghosting me not having any regard to my feelings. I have already forgiven her but that doesn't make the pain less. I have a hard time understanding women. They are ruthless, even in this topic they are ruthless towards me. I'm not going to be their doormat any more. They can either accept me or leave me. I think Parththakkar12 is right, if women can smell insecurity they will latch onto that and exploit insecurities. They definitely not want a guy that is insecure. They treat them like crap. I mean it is OK to not like insecure guys but they don't deserve to be treated like dirt. Your arguments are so on point. Especially on insecurities in men. Women are nature. Men are culture. And nature is brutal so I don't blame women but at the same time they act like they are not brutal and that I should stay weak, insecure and shouldn't fight back. Fuck that. I'm going to fight back with tooth and nail. And if a somebody double crosses me or does me wrong I will make that other person pay dearly. I'm actually a very stoic person so people shouldn't be afraid that I will become ruthless. All that I'm saying is that I'm going to integrate the masculine energy with my already dominating feminine energy.

My beloved girl didn't want me because I wasn't dangerous enough. I didn't have enough self love. I'm sure about this fact more than anything. Especially after today's approach streak with my new found manhood. Quickie with a tall brunette Just an amazing brunette girl called Jill. Very friendly and sexy. Instant sexual tension because girls can just sense my potential for danger. It is a huge turn on for feminine girls. We talked like 5 minutes but report was good and she immediately started texting me afterwards. I couldn't really dive deep because she had to go for a vaccination and had a time restraint. She agreed for a coffee but I don't know. We will see if she is up to it. I don't really trust the word of a woman. Warrior archetype Integrating this archetype was so important for me especially because I'm already a feminine, soft and kind person. Interlinking my existing feminine with my new found masculinity really did the trick. The other day, I got Britt's phone number and she told me she might want to meet up with me mid week. This was a really hot girl. And today's girl is also a very hot but brunette girl. Until now I'm really content with my new attitude. Girls just love me. I have to do less work during approaches. I hope this new found masculinity will also get me more respect from girls. That is the most important. I'm done being treated as a second priority. Still very fucked up I was in love with the girl from the topic "I did something evil". And it still feels awful. Sometimes I think about her and my heart just breaks. She was so much interested in me. I don't know what made her lose interests. Even she couldn't explain it but I know it. I'm going to burn that nice guy syndrome out of me or it will be the end of me.

I don't want to become dangerous. I want to have the potential to be dangerous and have selflove.

I'm developing healthy egoism and reinstating my cosmic karma. Girls can just feel I'm a bad guy right now and my approaches are going much better. Girls love men who can incite fear and terror. Even Leo says this. We don't make the rules, we are just players. Nothing personal.

I could actually hear in her voice that she was attracted to my bad behavior but I told to fuck herself. She hurt me too much. I'm not really judging them. I'm trying to understand female nature. I look at them like an anthropologist and I don't take their judging and shaming serious as long as they give good advice (from their limited perspective). What I learned is you really have to do the thing that women don't want to give them what they want. That is the harsh truth. That is the definition of a man: relentless. Thanks. I'm definitely ont going to self-blame or self-shame myself anymore. I got enough of that bullshit. I just got hurt too much to be my nice old self that women in this thread want me to be. Women condition me to be the way I'm by rejecting me, not accepting me as I'm. I would never have crossed the Rubicon if my old self was enough. If I knew where you lived I would try you out. Do border illegal stuff to you to pester you and make your life a hell. Let's see how long you can stay a holy person.

From girls I literally hear "you are such a nice guy" all the time, in the past I was seen as that. I got enough of hearing that. After having read the book no more mister nice guy I decided to be another person. Yes, at this moment I'm not a nice guy... AND I'm proud on that. From now on I'm not going to use niceness as a mask: instead just be authentic. You can call it spiteful and vindictive but that is your interpretation and looking down on me. If you knew me you would be more sympathetic. It is not either/or. I'm working on self-love, Self-love and being a human; standing up for myself. Some people act like they are stoics but if somebody hurts you it is in human nature to hurt that person back. It is only matter of how much the other person has to hurt you before you start lashing back.

Yesterday this happened and it changed me. I become a new person. I feel all the trauma energy left my body. I'm still angry. I'm somebody with a weak ego but after all the pain and suffering a fire sparked in my eyes. Let her do the work I picked up a Romanian girl's phone number. She is meh but it was easy and I just use confidence and let her do the work. Acting versus reacting Also did some other approaches. A lot of was great. Confidence does make a difference. Girls just starts reacting off of me. The thing is if she reacts to me I have to stop reacting off of her and start acting from my self. If that makes sense? Some other insights Using format with pickup is great but use it as a GPS. Only use format when lost. If you watch your GPS all the time you can't see the road in front of you. And what is in front of you trumps what the GPS shows. Use feelings to lead the conversation. That is such a big point. Girls really don't react to logic but to emotion. You can be a total idiot but if your vibe is great she will take the latter. Actually try this: just try to act as a total idiot with no brains but... this is important...be fun. Girls will love you for that. What ever you be don't be logical, boring, unemotional, stoic.

Let her hurt you. The more hurt, the more growth. Girls are great teachers towards guys with the nice guy syndrome.

Do something to make her emotions moving, either good or bad. It doesn't matter. The worst thing is to be boring. Create drama, tragedy and outrage.

She called me angry and sad and I already told her what I feel and think about her. It felt great. I asked her "do you still think I'm a nice guy like you told me?" and her response was epic. If you can't love yourself (the ego) you can't love the other. And besides that: everything is in the universe is self-love. Fear (survival needs) and broader needs are interlinked. The solution is to get better at survival so there is less fear and more confidence but that is hard job with crippling traumas. By the way, yesterday I got a phone number of a very very hot blonde (much hotter than the girl which is the subject of this topic), and she agreed to go on a date when I asked her number (very receptive but she still can flake) and I can just feel the insecurity boiling in the background of my psyche. Part of me doesn't even want to go on a date with her but I have to burn through my nice guy syndrome. Very big chance she will ditch me too after she finds out that I'm insecure and mildly boring. I really have this need to fuck up. Before fucking it up with the girl which is the subject of this topic, I observed this need to fuck up in myself. I don't know where it comes from. It has probably have to do with comfort zone: I'm feeling familiar when rejected, when a girl is interested in me I get nervous and just finds way to fuck it up.

I'm not even telling the whole story how she cancelled and rescheduled like 3 times and after that some other things happened. I just didn't want to make my story very complicated. Some people might think I'm overreacting but I'm not. I'm a very mild person in normal circumstances but she made me very mad. My therapist sees me as a nice guy too. If I tell my therapist what I did she wouldn't believe me so I'm not going to.

That is so sweet. Thank you. That is so true. You described me very well. The thing is that I really opened up my heart to her and I saw she opened up her heart for me. What really hurt me is her sudden change of attitude. She texted me and she agreed to come to my home, and she cancelled few hours before it would happen. Afterwards she gave me the cold shower and then just totally ghosting me. I just couldn't understand somebody being like that. She knew my feelings for her. It was vile, immature and evil. Afterwards she saw me suffering; was trying to call me and text her to get an explanation and she didn't respond. What I did I did out of self-love and healthy egoism. She thought she would get away with it because I was a nice guy. Guess what? I'm not that guy any more. You are - somewhat - right about my insecurities.. but people with insecurities deserve to be treated with respect too. I was already working on those issues and I'm not pointing fingers at her. I'm already working on myself regarding that topic.

This is so true. Those are a lot of assumptions. It is the exact opposite, I'm a person who doesn't lash out. She knew that and that is why she treated me like trash. It is in human nature to lash out. I was always a person who would swallow it and this time, I just couldn't bare it. Yes, it felt great to have her on the phone crying, and then I told her off and I said I don't want anything to do with it. It is part of character building. This happening changed me so I won't be the same and don't do the same. Lashing out was just a new learning experience. Something I don't have experience with. lol. Let's not all act stoic here. It is part of self-love. I did everything in my power to not do it. In the past, not so long ago I would actually dissociate from my feelings and that would just destroy me. Last two weeks I actually started feeling and I got very unstable. When you feel anger you want to direct it to something. This time it was by lashing out and to be honest it felt liberating but I wouldn't do the same thing again. I learned from dating her so I don't think I will be hurt again; in the same way. Recently I read Peter Levine's book about trauma and they say you can either fight, flight or freeze. This time I just decided to fight back. Next time I won't put myself in the same vulnerable position that I have the necessity to strike back and hurt others. I got flaked a lot in the last several months and I take it wonderfully. This girl strung me along, played with my feelings, lied to me, made false promises and just disappeared without saying anything although we had the same feelings towards each other; this can't be faked. Ok, she can change her feelings but I just got surprised by how quickly women can change their feelings about a guy. After that she just enjoyed my misery by not responding and giving any explanation. That is truthless. I was just to hurt to not strike back. If I wouldn't have done it I would hate myself.

Leo told me I should not incite other people on this forum so I'm not going to do that. All I can say it is very devilish and clever. I hit her where it would hurt the most. That is all I can say. Details are not important.

I'm already in therapy for half a year. After trauma healing I'm sure I will be a better person. @NoSelfSelf @Jacob Morres

In my language that sentence doesn't have that connotation. This was the context: She told me she gets angry a lot. So I said "you didn't get angry at me". And then she said "no you are a nice guy". Well... currently she doesn't think I'm a nice guy. Today she was screaming at me and I told her I don't want her and she hung up. It was a 360 and it felt empowering but I'm not proud.

I read that book and that book made me do it. Mentally I was very bad the last week. I tried everything to not do it as I explained in my thread. Will I do it again? No way. I'm a different person right now. There is fire in my eyes and I won't hesitate to strike back if somebody crosses my boundaries. It is important to value yourself and not take bullshit. I'm working on my traumas to heal it so I become a person who deals with these situations in a better way. Unfortunately I don't have a social circle, otherwise I wouldn't be here. It is very hard to enter one because I work from home, I go to the gym and that is about it. Perhaps after the lockdown I could join some clubs and have more chance but even then it is hard to enter a friend group. I'm full blown in trauma healing right now but I'm doing pickup on the side. I got a phone number from a cute blond girl today and she agreed to go on a coffee this weekend. If she flakes, I think I will stop doing pickup for a week or something to full concentrate on healing. I don't want to come across as a cry baby or something but last week was just terrible for me. I wish this event wouldn't affect me this way but I don't have a choice over my emotional reactions, traumas and past.

You are right but I have trauma. I think my trauma from my past got triggered. I tried to work on it but it was too much. Working on my game is difficult. I'm kind of insecure. I do get a lot of phone numbers but flake rate is insane. Like 99% flake. So I was angry about that and on top of that she blocked me on socials while I begged her to give me an explanation what is happening. She was ruthless so I was ruthless. It is not hard to understand.

I got a phone number of a cute blonde girl called "Brit". There was immediate sexual tension. This is promising but then again ..... I'm not very hopeful. All girls that I fixed bailed on me in the last two weeks. I'm not going to beat around the bush. I'm doing well with picking up phone numbers but not landing any dates. I'm kind of chasing girls who's number I got to train my healthy egoism by being a little pushy. I know being pushy doesn't work but it is a mental exercise to become more assertive. I mean: she doesn't want to go on a date, she uses me as a boost for her ego, then what? I will use her for my ego too and exercise leading/pushing and trespassing their personal boundaries. I'm try to push only for 3 times. After that I give up. I really need to stop pickup but it has become an addiction. If I only had one gf I would completely stop doing pickup for a while but I'm not that far. I need to go inward. Develop myself.

@Leo Gura you already know when you dating pickup program will be finished?

How is shadow work going to make me less needy? And what do you mean with deconstructing my psychology? You mean reaching absolute truth?