TheExplorer

First desired amount of water, then add vinegar drop by drop, so you can use as little as possible until all freebase is dissolved.

Thanks loving it. Voting for Leo to dedicate an episode to Binaural Beats

thanks

Hello everyone, I would like some advice in regards to communication with my employer. I’m in Germany and have been working with my GP (amazing woman) to be on sick leave since beginning of December .. to give me the space and time I need to work through some serious trauma and heal. This has been a great decision, making a lot of progress right now and finding tons of stuff that is helping me. Just can’t do that while trapped in the 9to5 ratrace. Was also just failing and my body was shutting down after going right back to work after a 14day dieta in Peru. I do feel so much better in the past weeks. Now with my employer the communication about this has been very “minimal”. The company certainly has a lot of issues and they contributed to my depression as well. However I’m also grateful for what they’ve done and provided for me. Right now the health insurance is paying my salary, but they still pay for some not-insignificant benefits. Yesterday I drank some Aya and it came to me that it could be really beneficial writing one of the bosses an email, asking for a meeting in-person and be really clear and open about what is happening. I guess the risk here is exposing myself and it could backfire somewhat if they’re not understanding. I’m not 100% clear yet what they could actually do to me though. As I really do fight some depression, and am really sick. So far I communicated that my doc thinks its depression and that I’m pretty clueless and want to take time though and figure it out. Not sure in how far they buy this story and my last call with HR could have been better probably. Somehow I feel most of my fears wont happen and I can only learn and grow from this. Perhaps make this company a better place and their impact on the whole more positive. I do feel people there care for me. Any thoughts on this really appreciated. Thank you -Explorer

Yes I'm aware it wont be freebase anymore (that was the goal). My rectum is pretty sensitive as it is, so I would really like to minimize any further irritation. Will it not help absorption if the 5-MeO is dissolved in the liquid? Or lessen irritation by potentially having more surface area compared to the oxalate which may end up being concentrated more in one area as it is not dissolved in the liquid? Also right now I only have 10ml syringes, which i fill with 2-4ml solution. It does work but even 50mg oxalate does not go too deep. I'm not sure if that is it not letting me go too deep .. or simply not enough being absorbed/me needing more than 50mg.

What would be nicer on the rectum, 1.) 5-MeO-DMT freebase dissolved in water with minimum amount of citric acid required OR 2.) 5-MeO-DMT oxalate NOT dissolved in water. Or does it not make such a big difference at amounts around 50mg? What about absorption? Thanks

I need some advice regarding redosing. If I want to spend more time in this 5meo state, what would be a good redose amount, say initial dose about 30mg freebase. I'm concerned about overloading the body by taking too much. Or would it be better to wait a few hours, or even the next day? But man, this Ego suxx Thanks!

Hi, So today I was at my doc and she prescribed me some St. John's Wort extract capsules. I suffer some anxiety/depression .. which is caused by my current living situation and certainly trauma that I still work on in various ways. The dark winter here in Germany does not help So I wonder if taking this stuff could be a good thing overall? I always wanted to stay away from SSRI, even if this is a natural one. Seems like a complex plant. Appreciate any thoughts on this. Thanks!

Thanks, well that kind of sucks .. thought I could do some nice volumetric dosing. Should it be somewhat evenly distributed in the liquid when stirred? As i only want to take like 1/20 of it for starters.

Is it normal to have a kind of cloudy/not-clear liquid after dissolving 5-Meo-DMT.oxalate in tap-water? UPDATE: Now it looks like the 5-MeO-DMT settled at the bottom of the glass-jar. Liquid is clear, but nothing has been dissolved? This is pretty clean tap-water here in Germany.

Think i will give a little more context: I attended a 14 day dieta in Peru, drinking Ayahuasca several times and working with a master plant. Im really glad i went and I think it made a huge impact. Ever since I'm back, my social anxiety is greatly decreased and I can deal with social settings much better. I'm still integrating all this and learning a lot. However, I'm still a bit stuck in my old patterns and alone too much. This causes anxiety and depression. I'm looking to find a psychologist right now to help me with this. Yesterday I took 900mg of SJW-extract and it definitely helps with anxiety, less reactive around strangers. I think it could be this little push to help me expand my comfort zone more and Change these patterns of isolation. My biggest fear is that it could be a crutch and I'm not actually learning the lessons behind my anxiety, the anxiety just being suppressed.

Food can be drugs pretty much. Refined sugar is a drug. All just another form of escapism, not facing your pain.

I think its highly debatable if a chemically extracted version of Ayahuasca, i think people call it Pharmahuasca, is actually superior. For sure it reduces nausea and vomiting, but it also removes a lot of the alkaloids present in those full-spectrum brews using whole plants. For instance, I find drinking Caapi Tea way more healing than just eating harmala extract. It has quite a different feel and after effects to it as well.

Hmmm wow, reading through this thread is a bit confusing I just got the two Kriya books from the booklist, but now i wonder if these are wrong and i should find a guru? I wish there was more clarity, but that seems rarely the case with so many things

Hi everyone, I’m new to this forum. I’ve been following actualized.org for 2-3years now and love Leo’s content. I’m suffering from some sort of “social anxiety” for many years, probably as long as I can think. Social settings and people tend to make me uneasy, nervous and anxious. I’m a HSP and quite empathic. There seems to be trauma/wounds inside of me that makes it very hard to trust people in general. I started to live pretty isolated early on, maybe at the age of 12-13. Now I’m in my early thirties and so this has been a pretty long-standing pattern of mine. I started to get sick of this maybe 5 years ago and started things like psychotherapy (which did not seem to move much, if anything). Almost 4 years ago I started to tap into psychedelics and then had my first strong experience, which kind of destroyed my materialistic worldview in one night and set me off on my spiritual path. At first I had pretty high hopes in psychedelics, hearing people say things like “one trip was like 10 years of psychotherapy”. I still believe they are an amazing tool, but I’m left with integration work that has been challenging so far. After quite a few trips now they did change my view of the world and society a lot though, and I believe I’m way wiser and aware than just a few years ago. The last two years I intensified my efforts of trying to heal myself. And I think also through increased awareness of how I’m leading my life, my suffering/depression about my situation has been intensified during this time as well. I just don’t want to live like that anymore. I see no point of an existence without good community and deep connections with other human beings. I’m so sick of being alone. My psychosomatic symptoms do increase as well, seems like the body/mind just can’t deal with these things very well anymore as I get older. Some of the things I did in the past two years include: Daily meditation habit Ayahuasca retreats and solo psychedelic journeys Kambo sessions Traveling Becoming more social, joining some theater group, going to meetups 10 day Vipassana retreat Going to the gym with coaching (stopped that right now cause my body started to hurt too much) Cuddle therapy sessions Working with Sedona Method (on a break now as well, but I do believe it does work) Overall I do think that I’m improving and that things get better, but up to this point I’m still having a hard time building/maintaining connections with people. There is something in me that is terrified getting close and being abandoned by someone. There is also a lot of shame around that, like probably some part of me thinking it doesn’t deserve to be loved. Due to these things I also never had a real girlfriend before, and I can be quite neurotic interacting with girls these days. This year I had for the first time, for a few months, some sort of relationship with a girl (seeing her 1-2x a week) and think it overall did help me. It also brought up those fears and demons a lot. I could enjoy the time we spent together, but afterward would often get these ideas why she is bad, evil, dangerous and often wanting to end it. We talked very openly about these things which was helpful. Right now we stopped seeing each other without a clear end to it. It was difficult having sex, and I’m not sure if it’s because we’re not that compatible or me being afraid of the intimacy, well I’m definitely afraid of the intimacy .. I could notice me building some walls there. Now I just started working again 40hours a week, and while this job is not too bad, it just drives me insane being trapped in this cycle of working a lot and going home to be alone most of the days. Some days I feel like I’m on the brink of losing it. This also gets mixed in with my increasing awareness of the dreamlike/illusionary nature of reality. Like part of me (I guess thats Ego) started to resent the dream and doesn’t wanna play this stupid game anymore. It’s kind of a mindfuck, I’m the one who’s dreaming up my own suffering. While I start to be more aware of that, and being able to let go more of this I sense, I’m certainly still trapped in Ego identification a lot. A few days ago I had an MDMA session with a woman working in the therapeutic field, combined with talking, bodywork and touch. It was not bad, I’m just kind of afraid that it did not reach very deep and I often had feelings of apathy during the session. Will see how the following weeks go. I had also some feelings of distrust coming up towards her, which is likely linked to the apathy as well. I could imagine this working better with a more compatible therapist and deeper trust. From working with the Sedona Method I developed a better sense of holding on and letting go. It seems like these days I’m much more willing to let go of my old story and let new things into my life. It’s still a struggle though and demons/Ego-lashback can be quite terrifying and disorienting as I move out of my comfort zone – not sure if I can simply let go of that wounded animal inside of me. I recently find myself drawn visiting/living in an intentional community which is focused on healing and spiritual growth. Seems like there are some good things out there. My question for this community: What are your thoughts on this and any advice for my healing-journey? Thank you.

5-MeO-DMT as training-wheels for letting go of your life

I liked the video, Think it relates a lot to the Sedona Method

@NahmI have some trouble decoding what you're saying, but i think we are on the same page I just had a powerful meditation on Keith's Cacao (ceremonial grade), and in general I notice how important daily meditation is on this journey of transformation and staying on track. A lot of stuff is happening right now: A few days ago I went to see a girl for cuddle therapy I never met before. There is good chemistry and connection. During the session she was holding me and at first there was resistance. I noticed that deep breaths would help me to allow this. After a while I started the weep and cry for like 10 minutes. Pretty intense. After sitting up again, I noticed my arms and hands and maybe my whole body vibrating strongly, tingly sensations. A sensation that I recognized from a Kambo session about 2 months back. I believe this is energetic blockages being released from the body. Will probably have more sessions with her as I think she can really help me. There was also a lesson here that I still need to integrate: That it is Okay giving and receiving love, that I deserve it and that Yes - it is possible to be betrayed, but this true core of me can never be "hurt" or "diminished" by it. Only the Ego can. This insight seems actually a bit confusing/conflicting with the whole healing the inner child/trauma stuff. Not sure how this connects yet. Ideas? I decided to do the dieta in Peru and already had an introduction call with them and paid a deposit. Think this can be really powerful. I saw this girl again I was writing about in my initial post and she invited me to an alternative festival the upcoming weekend. Not really in my comfort zone, but will go as I think it should be good for me.

Wow, time is rushing by. Been meaning to reply earlier, been busy and probably also avoiding it. @memocappa Yes it’s not easy to open up and stay open. It does not feel safe. There can be awareness of being anxious/uneasy, but can also be difficult to stay present. Often times these situations feel like a piercing needle that wont stop nagging me. I will try the meditation/visualization exercise you recommended and having a dialogue with the inner child. When I was visiting my family just now I talked to my mother about the time when I was born. I always knew I spent quite some time in the hospital due to a health condition after being born, but never considered what kind of impact this may have had. I got her to send me a diary she wrote during this period and read it all last weekend. I spent a lot of the first 6months of my life in the hospital, apparently 1month in an incubation chamber just after being born. Reading through it I also realized for the first time what a rough time this must have been for her as well. And from thinking about this and also talking to a few people, it seems likely/plausible that this may very well play into my current issues of lack of basic trust, fear of abandonment and a hard time opening up. If this is indeed the case, I wonder though how I would even access/process this Trauma if I have no recollection of it (at least not in the normal waking state)? Psychedelics and hypnosis do come to mind .. maybe direct memory is not required to let go of it? @DrewNows I have not heard of that, but it does look interesting, thank you. Someone recently recommended Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) to me. As for having truly accepted, it seems a bit tricky. As time moves on I seem more willing to accept and let go. But there’s certainly still something in me that is not quite willing to let go and wants to hold on. Would probably be good for me to do daily releasing via Sedona Method. @Charlotte Thank you for the warm words. @Nahm I do think meditation and psychedelics already helped me with that somewhat. Still easy to get lost in the story though. I do see some shifts in not taking my Ego-self so serious anymore though. Like this one guy at work nagging me a bit (and I became aware I kind of attract this behavior) .. in the past this would have driven me nuts, but I just can’t take it too serious anymore, it doesn’t cause me to lose much sleep for the most part. I believe part of this is based in dis-identification, letting go of the story. Some time having passed after the MDMA session now, I do believe it was a therapeutic experience overall. Being in this open/vulnerable state, receiving and giving affection, the bodywork and talking openly seems healing. I also believe it could have went deeper, maybe a different therapist that allows me to open up more or different techniques during the session. I have three weeks of vacation coming up at the end of October, I’m considering going to a Rainbow Gathering/Burn/intentional community OR go to Peru for a 2week+ Aya/plant medicine retreat. I’m not sure what of this may be more beneficial for me right now (think it's scarier to me to go to a Rainbow). So far i've been on two Aya-retreats that lasted two days each and were in Europe. I got a solid recommendation for Peru with really skilled masters and a good program combining Ayahuasca and master plants. Thoughts on this? Thank you everyone, grateful for the help.

Thank you everyone for the great replies, I've been busy and gonna be gone for the whole weekend visiting family now. @memocappa At my last Ayahuasca retreat a girl told me that she can see my heart opening up. I hope shes right. Gonna reply in more detail later.

Hello, I'm not sure if it has discussed in here, but i could not find anything with the search function. What about guided 5-MeO-DMT or Bufo sessions? Do you think those can be more healing or going deeper than solo journeys?