chudders

Been a long time since I've posted on this forum, the inner work has been going very well and I feel as though i am no longer in such a neurotic state, which feels like a miracle in itself lol, i have gained a lot of clarity and began addressing my issues which I later discovered trauma etc. Regardless of all that, I've noticed that strong feelings of happiness, excitement, or anything related to looking forward to something in a positive way instantly seems to trigger panic and that obviously kills the positive mood and I'm left feeling very confused. I wonder if its my brain being too nervous to stop thinking about anxiety, in other words, genuine happiness has been absent for the most part for such a long time that it doesn't trust it to be safe right now. It would make sense because with the trauma, ever since it started I've noticed myself becoming more and more detached from people, and putting on a mask so to speak, emotionally, and perhaps I've taught my mind to see that as real happy emotions, essentially I feel like I'm teaching myself to properly feel these emotions again. So I guess my question is, has anyone else gone through something like this? And is my theory a legitimate 'cause' that can happen? Thanks

@Dan502 you're right. After some more questioning why I realized its related to fear of death. Recalled having an identical experience with a different worry in the past but that worry was also related to death, just not a disease. So I'm going to go to therapy as well as working on my own to rewire my brain and its associations about such things. Crazy how many layers there can be with anxieties, never quite what it seems at first

I've thought some more and I think what it was is that I need to stop demonizing cancer. The thought was so terrifying but the moment I stopped demonizing it it no longer felt like I was at risk. So now I'm practicing exposure therapy to trigger that fear to correct it and say 'its just a disease' even when the thought and feeling feels real. I like the quote "Even when we feel certain that is an emotion not a fact". I also realized how I had been associating cancer to my own health circumstances (CF) just because there are some similarities, over the years I think my monkey mind started to associate them as the same so that whenever these thoughts came up like 'you have cancer' or 'you're going to get cancer' I really had a hard time like saying that its not true because at least partially in my subconscious it knows that i have CF and so it paired the similarities together to make it seem like if I deny the thought about cancer it would be like denying that I have CF which I know is actually there cuz I've had it since birth. Any advice for doing exposure? I've done it previously and successfully its just very scary to do for such a deeply conditioned feeling.

@Knock thank you! So even the thoughts based on fear that feel like a very real threat are still just thoughts in my head as there is no evidence to suggest it in ‘reality’. I’ll practice more detachment

Been managing a recurring thought after realizing I was abusing the techniques of self actualization by means of trying to analyze everything down to the very core thinking that once I analyze it enough it will leave, I realized that I had actually already done analyzation more than enough and needed to actually detach from the constant feeling of needing to dig deeper. So when the thought came up 'why am i still thinking about said thought if i no longer fear it?' instead of going 'hmmm well maybe its because so and so, if i just think a bit harder it wont keep recurring' i just simply notice the question but do not engage. Its been challenging but progressive. Then tonight I had a very interesting experience, I had this feeling of absolute fear, the biggest, scariest, thought in the most believable unquestionable manner that I recalled feeling when i was a child. The thought was in relation to my previous fear of cancer, I worked through that fear (hence the recurring thought asking why I still thought about it if I no longer fear it) and so this very intense thought came into my head "all the fear you've had about cancer is because you're going to get it" and I felt extremely tempted to let the fear of that "prediction" consume me, I made that mistake as a child because I didn't really know better so I was just terrified and felt like I had to believe it, but what happened tonight was I felt very scared, my chest was feeling numb and heart pounding, but what made it profound is that instead of trying to think of how the thought and feeling would be untrue or automatically believing it I simply thought "well.. wait.. its making it seem so terrifying but its a disease" and as soon as I did that instead of letting the fear consume me I felt immediate relief like I had just fought a demon, it was completely an unbiased response because I was face to face with the worst imaginable fear which was feeling like I was being told i was going to get cancer but right after I had responded and I felt like it was a test. It felt like I was being tested, how would I respond to being told I was going to get the disease yet I didn't see it as a test until afterwards and I felt relief. So my question is, was that whole scenario a test of how I would handle to my biggest fear or was it trying to predict getting sick and wanting me to not fear it? I suppose it will always be uncertain because the feeling was incredibly strong at first, it felt like a prediction, but the instant that I responded without the fear lens it no longer felt like a prediction it felt like a test almost as if it was saying 'SIKE ur not actually gonna get sick just wanted to see how you'd respond even when it seems real'. It would make sense to be a test too because I was not always scared of getting cancer, it started very specifically when i was about 8 years old i started associating it towards my own circumstances and worrying if it would somehow be related, and with that fear I told myself to be scared of sicknesses because if I don't feel scared it would indicate that I want it and that it would happen, so I didn't use to fear it I just told myself to in order to 'protect' myself from getting it I had to fake being scared until i eventually became very scared. With a lot of self work I came to realize that and rewire myself and I wonder if the experience tonight was the ultimate test of if I am truly over the fear, which I passed since I was able to look at it without a fear lens. 1. Has anyone else here had a profound experience that felt like an extreme test to your fears? 2. Do you think what I experienced was a test? 3. Could it have been a prediction or could it have been an illusionary test because it was made up of thoughts and words and feelings not any proof that it could be true other than overwhelming feeling as if its certain until I responded then it felt like it was no longer certain 4. Can even the strongest feelings and thoughts still be untrue? 5. Should I accept that its uncertain or is there certainty?

@Serotoninluv very well put thank you

@Knock ohh okay, i might look into seeing a therapist again too its been quite a while and doing self actualization is a lot to take in by myself. i would appreciate if you want to go into more detail

@Knock I've been working on feeling neutral towards them but it still occurs. Is it possible if I become fully neutral that they will eventually leave? I'm just not sure how to stop thinking about it altogether especially if its dangerous then I tend to feel fearful if I couldn't let it go.

Can repetitive thoughts occurring be dangerous or is it only if you begin to fear the content of it?

@Serotoninluv Thank you that's good advice, I've been able to have experiences of viewing the thought in a neutral perspective and it feels very freeing and it lasts for a bit but then the thought occurs again so I guess like you said it can take time. I've discovered that ever since I was younger like 8 years old I always told myself to purposefully be scared of this thought because that would protect me from it happening which of course now I can see is a very wrong and distorting way of looking at the thought. Its hard to break that conditioning since its been like almost a decade of making myself feel scared, but I think that's the ego. Been repeating phrases to overcome it like 'being scared is not protecting from anything' 'being happy is not dangerous', along with some meditation here and there. Where I struggle most is randomly in the day when I'm doing something and the thought will occur and I start to panic a bit, sometimes its hard to tame that. Would you suggest any other techniques or do you think this is the right route for dissolving that toxic mindset?

@AnTe Thanks, that makes sense. After calming down a bit I realized how I messed up, when the trauma began I was so scared of what I was worrying about that I would like tell myself the only way to prevent it was to worry more otherwise it would suggest that if im happy and unbothered by the thought it would indicate that I wanted what I was worrying about to happen, which now I realize is very very toxic way of thinking. I've been learning to rewire my brain with statements like 'being scared is not protecting' (as I thought fear was somehow protecting me previously) and 'being happy is not dangerous'. Its just a bit challenging to remember this when the thought occurs randomly. Everyone says to just stop thinking about something but in order to do that I need to not be scared of it so I think this is the right method, would you suggest?

Today I opened an emotional wound that I thought was fixed but turned out to lead me to feeling incredibly exposed and scared, same as when I first got this feeling of trauma several years ago. Its important to feel every emotion related to it and not suppress it however at the same time it feels really really scary because worrying is dangerous and its easy to get caught doing. And that makes my brain feel more inclined to worry because of the fact that it could control danger and unwanted circumstances if I'm not careful. I've never really felt more scared in my life, heart has been racing, nauseous, feeling partially faint, uncertain, self blame, etc and that makes me even more worried about worrying. I'm just not sure what to do because I thought that thoughts are harmless projections but if its dangerous to worry about them then are they all actually dangerous to even exist? I feel trapped. 1. Is this normal to feel when opening an old wound? 2. Why am I so scared of my thoughts all of a sudden? 3. How can I live not worrying about worry filled thoughts if its dangerous?

@CreamCat Its clearer than it use to be for sure. I've been able to accept uncertainty with a lot of things that were previously suppressed so thats improved, i just struggle when the thoughts become more superstitious and I have even less certainty than with regular thoughts, the monkey mind seems to try and make me believe the worst of the worst outcomes with little to no evidence, and unless I have absolute proof otherwise then it tempts me to believe the superstition.

so i've been thinking some more after going through the responses (thank you for them), so the initial fear of the repetitive/automatic thoughts of potentially being a sign of warning or circumstance does not make it a sign, but I need to let go of the underlying fear of whether it is or isn't, and to not attach to any thoughts in a neurotic way because they are harmless unless you obsess over them. Along with meditation and acceptance of uncertainty.

@Leo Gura Ok that makes sense. I have been doing the 'do nothing' meditation and have been able to detach from the thoughts to a point where I am not typically worrying about getting cancer rather its a worry if the existence of the thoughts itself can cause it, not the worrying. Though, I don't think this is true because as you've stated in your videos and where i've read elsewhere, the mind will always have grim thoughts but their existence is not dangerous in itself if you do not attach to them.