Raptorsin7

@LfcCharlie4 Thanks for the faith man it means a lot. I'm glad you see the potential in the idea like I do.

@mandyjw This is my instinct as well. I want love, it's just veiled at the moment. I want to enjoy life and actually be happy. Seeing through the illusion of the separate self didn't do it for me though. I feel like I can recognize the separate self in thinking, but even when I see through it and be with whatever is present in the now it doesn't feel good. Then the seeking restarts, and i'm just trapped in this cycle.

I did 100ug of LSD last night and I have some questions about progressing on the path. I have a hard time crying, and I think the next part of the path for me is to learn to cry because I think it will lead to relief. During the trip I was able to cry a bit and that felt better, but I also realized how it was very hard for me to just relax and how hard it was to just feel good. I went through many suicidal thoughts because at certain points I just couldn't handle the emotional pain. I noticed that when I tried to stop and breathe it felt better, but I would also get nauseous and so I was stuck just basking in the misery without any relief. It was my worst trip to date, and i'm scared to trip again because if I do higher doses I might just kill myself, and I dont' want to die I want to live. I also spent time looking at myself in the mirror. I always had a complex about how I looked. I was very vain every since I was a kid, and I am definitely neurotically obsessed with how I look. I understand how I look is subjective because I've improved my self confidence about how I look in the past, but look at myself in the mirror was still crazy. My eyes got all weird, my eyes changed color, I noticed my face and body would literally change and I would see multiple eyes on myself it was crazy. I was scared at one point that the person in the mirror would just start talking to me and I didn't know how to handle. I feared the terror and horror that would come from that kind of hallucination but it didn't happen. Has anyone faced this kind of intense of emotional pain and come out the other side happy? I feel like the point of spirituality, psychidelics, etc is to just feel good and be happy. That's what i'm looking for on the trips is well being and pure happiness. I also feel a strong urge to vomit on my recent trips and I wonder if that's related to anything? I know my diet is terrible so that's the number one culprit. I'm really going to make an effort to clean up my diet and stop poisoning myself moving forward. I've had LSD trips where I felt misery, but there was also a break through into bliss. But this time I got stuck at misery. Will a higher dose be better for me now that I am used to doing 100ug trips? I've tripped about 5 + times in my life now, ranging from microdoses to about 150ug doses.

@Consilience Thanks. I should clarify, I never had a serious intention to kill myself. But I felt so bad and I had no solution. It was just emotional pain and I didn't know what to do. I want to live, I know life can be amazing and I have faith in a brighter future. I've never seriously struggled with suicide so this was new to me. I've tripped multiple times and I've had some break throughs into positive feelings but I just haven't done monster doses and I don't know what to expect,

@mandyjw I struggle with exercise. Like I just don't want to do it, and I give up easily when I do it. How do you force yourself to do with when you don't want to do anything?

@zeroISinfinity I have a hard time crying. I want to cry all day but I don't know how to bring out the tears. The path is rough man. I was having suicidal thoughts on Lsd recently, I'm really hoping I can be done with all this non duality stuff soon

What practices do you do that produce good feeling? I'm trying to cultivate feelings of joy, bliss, appreciation, gratitude etc but i'm having trouble. I find simple meditation on the feeling of being me isn't enough to get me bliss and joy, are there are specific meditation practices that can generate these high tier feelings? Any other thoughts on how to feel better?

It's okay to cry. Crying is good. Theres nothing to be ashamed of when crying.

Okay I can get a good effect with these drugs if i take them as often as possible honestly. The main thing holding me back has got to be the fears of being a drug addict. The stigma around arounds is strong, I think it makes me an inferior person for being on drugs. Which is somewhat true. It's a partial truth to say that you are inferior for wanting to be on drugs, its true to say that I have a lot of fucked of beliefs from factors that I cannot control and I need a way to make sense of it. Honesty is so important. Radical honesty. Until it would be a radical move not be honest. Life flipped inside out. Full on embrace of bizzaro land. I think this is true of me. I've always feared sickness because i didn't want to die because death=bad. But i am sick. I need help. If it's not obvious yet its obvious now. I am in recovery. I need to heal from life. This is my life now. Healing myself, and finding a way to heal people is where its at. It's all i care about. Its all i care about anyways.

@Ry4n how do you do it? know any resources?

@RendHeaven People are already playing the games. Imagine learning to play in a way that makes you feel good and become happier, and also makes you better at the game. The buddha used the breathe to enlighten people, I will use league of legends and video games as my vehicle.

@RendHeaven I have 100% confidence in my idea. Your concerns are your own. @Nahm 2 weeks ago my response would have been different haha

3 things i'm grateful for. I have free time before my final exams to work on feeling better. My exams are in about 3 weeks, and i need to start studying soon to be prepared. I'm only going for average marks so it shouldn't be too hard, but still. Having this time now is nice. I'm not worried about the exams, and i'm free to work on feeling good and playing league. I am grateful for the path to enlightenment. The path has gave me a clear way to improve my life and feel better. That's all i've ever wanted in my entire life was to feel better and improve my life. The path has made these goals real for me. I know through acceptance, surrender, love, compassoin, understanding, awareness, that i can feel good. I have faith that if i continue on the path i will feel better and better, and my life will be dream/heaven like. I have faith. I believe. I am also grateful that faith comes naturally to me. I don't have to lie to myself, i actually have faith that my life is only going to get better and better and that this is simply the base of the mountain for how good my life can get. I am grateful for legue of legends. I can't believe i'm going to make millions of dollars just playing this online game. I've always loved and been talented at games since i was a little kid. Now i get to actualize this potential and make millions of dollars from it. Wow what a life, am i right. This game is changing my life for the better, and it provides me with an opportunity to give back to the world. I can teach non-duality through my website, and i can raise money for charity through boosting and charity streams and tournaments. Wow. Incredible. So much good can come of this, so much good is coming of tihs as we speak. It's already coming. I'm in the process, in the unfolding as we speak. It is really about surrendering and accepting, because what i want is already coming.

Being honest with people is difficult. I just told a friend that I don't want to play duo q with him. I get tilted playing with my friends because i expect a lot out of them and its suffocating to both me and him. Expectations. These are part of my identity. I expect great things. But do? Is the issue with the expectation, or is the issue that i don't expect it enough. It feels better to expect more. I want to try using the dream board with each individual game. This is an interesting project. I will write down the focus of each solo q game before i play it. So if i want to improve csing, map awareness, team fight positioning, tracking cooldowns etc, then i can put it on the board. How about 3 things, that number came to me. I will write 3 things on the board that I believe are most important to my success in the coming game. Write down the 3 things that you think are MOST important to winning the game. If you execute well on these 3 things you will win the game, and make that your focus.

I forgot what I was going to put in the journal. What do i want? I want to be challenger in league. Ok so what's the next step in the path to challenger. The next step is to climb in league Climbing in league involves playing the game, and learning from my mistakes. I think an important growth factor will be watching replays of losses as much you can. It doesn't have to be every game. Don't be so rigid. Be flexible.

I try my absolute best in every league i play I try my best to win, no matter what is happening I do not flame my teammates, i take 100% responsibility for everything that goes wrong in the game. I take full responsibility for whatever happens in league of legends. I take full responsibility for how I feel I am responsible for everything that happens in my life I own all of it Everything is my fault, and that's totally okay. Becuae if you don't take full responsiblity then there are parts of your life that you can't control, so if something bad is happening and you dont own it, then how can you change it? Exactly, you can't. So take full ownership for everything. Own it. Feel bad because your soraka inted? Well OWN IT BITCH. Why were they high enough hp to killl your raka? Why didn't you support her? Why did you die? Why weren't you pinging her? There's so much to own. So own it. It feels good to take responsibility. I take full responsiblity for everything. So now the question is what can i do? The answer is nothing. I am just a thought. So there's nothing to do, and no one to do it. Now go do it.

@billiesimon The presence is our true nature. I think now it's a matter of depth. Idk, i'm just here to feel amazing and find the greatest version of the human. Once i find that, i'm out lol.

@Nahm Once you recognize the distinction between feeling and thinking, then what? The human can reach a place where there is consistent attention on feeling rather than thinking, and as a result the sensations in the third eye region pulse and vibrate to varying degrees. But then what? The human isn't feeling the love. What's the next step after re-connecting with feeling?

Challenger ADC Playing league of legends is effortless Joy, love, bliss, freedom, creativity, playing league of legends Pushing the limits in every game.

Jhana practice from the mind illuminated. I'm going to look for specific types of meditation to cultivate bliss, joy, ectasy, etc. All the pleasant feels i've been craving. There is resistance in the way. Resistant thinking. But simply be pressent of who you really are, hint it's not the guy in the thoughts. And then act.

Looking at reality with a different Lens. Leave it to god. If gods will is then so be it. Acceptance.

The relationship between feeling and thinking. There are negative emotions, in the sense that these emotions have so far been avoided. Shame, guilt, fear, insecurity. These have been labeled bad, and the human has been living to avoid these. So the human is trapped in a narrow life, because growth would produce these feelings. But those feelins are in relation to thoughts, those feelings are there to show that those thoughts aren't true and you should pick a better feeling thought, a thought that doesn't lead to feelings of shame, guilt, fear etc. On weed the relationship between thinking and feeling so clear. But when i'm pure sober it's rough. Man, i am fucked up. I am legit fucked. But it's okay. First step is to admit there's a problem. If you can't admit there's a problem, then you have no chance. Because then you have good reason to change. @Nahm is this accurate?

@TrynaBeTurquoise Its nice to have goals to orient the trips around. Like right now i don't feel good, i want to feel happy, blissed out, amazing etc. So i know for me that's the goal of these trips is to find good feeling. I'm also trying to master league of legends, so i try playing on the drugs too which helps me measure progress. Like my last trip was 1.5 tab and i felt connected to the game while playing it was really surreal. Having those clear goals with the trips is great because i can measure progress on and off the drugs. Like i know what's possible for myself in the game now, i can literally feel connected to the virtual world. So when i play the game sober i know what i'm going for.

@TrynaBeTurquoise I did like 50ug of LSD a few weeks ago because my baseline was already pretty psychidelic so i thought a minor dose would push me to a break though into bliss. But i just got stuck prior to full surrender, and I was just in misery. I find going with larger doses is good because it forces a sink or swim situation. Especially, for me because i have a hard time pushing my comfort zone, the drugs just do it for me. Especially at higher doses.

@Mada_ I think the best thing for the world is for people to wake up to the truth, and become happier and more conscious. Video games is my channel to spread the truth. I just want people to be happy. Video games will be how i reach people.