Raptorsin7

Can you expand on this? What did you do then specifically? What kind of Byron katie stuff did you do, and what was your source for kriya yoga?

Today I played again from a few days break. The games were pretty good, I went on a 4 game win streak where I dominated every game. Then I paired up with one of my junglers and had some success, but then we lost 2 in a row and I saw that my jungle really wasn't very good. I also played bad, and overall it wasn't a great last 2 games. I'm currently gold 2 0LP, and my next loss is likely a demote. A major thing i'm trying to improve right now is my attitude towards climbing. I want to be detached and just do my best no matter what's going on. One problem I have is I get too emotional and raddled form losses or when i'm not playing well, and it creates anxiety and tension when I play. I want to just have fun and do my best in everygame, no matter if i'm winning or losing. Playing to have fun, not to tilt, and not caring about wins or losses is the best path forward imo for climbing. I'm not even really worried about my performance, because I know as I play more and watch more videos and replays I will just naturally improve. But my attitude and mindset will have the biggest impact on my ability to climb no doubt.

@electroBeam Success to me is the tension in my head being fully released and then feeling an oozing substance in my head that leads to feelings of bliss. Sober I'm pretty close, I can feel my head cracking and releasing a lot but I cant get a full release yet. On lsd I can get pretty much a full release of the tension

@electroBeam To try and find a causal link to your success. So maybe you started a new meditation technique recently, and that's what caused these realisations.

If i'm god and reality is all good, then why aren't I happy and feeling good now. Wouldn't I be able to just say I want to feel good and then feel good? Why am I constantly dissatisfied with experience and not enjoying life when i'm so powerful and loving?

@electroBeam How did you get this realisation?

Still taking a break from playing. I'm planning to do a few tabs of LSD tmrw so i'm hoping to have a break through with how I've been feeling. Most of the tension is carried in my head, between the eyes, so i'm expecting to release that tension tmrw with the drugs. I'll likely play some league during the peak of the high, but I also want to spend some time contemplating in the elevated state. The plan is, and has been, to embody the heightened the state while playing. Hopefully all goes well tmrw and I have a good experience on the drugs. Until I feel a noticeable improvement in my health, I will likely keep taking a break from playing.

Today I didn't play at all. I'm going to take a break for near future until I make improvements in my well being and how I feel and operate. Hopefully the break serves me well and allows me to come back even better, I'm going to focus on improving my meditation technique. I'm following a youtube channel by Forrest Knutson where he gives interesting pointers on improving meditation. He's a modern day yogi and he seems very trust worthy so i'm hoping this works for me. The main thing i'm going to improve is focus on my breathe and the way I breathe. Apparently it's a good idea to breathe less than 7 breaths per minute while meditating. I never even thought about this before I watched this guys' videos. Everything I do will affect my performance in league of legends, so as my meditation improves so will my league of legends performance.

@LfcCharlie4 What did you do to awaken to infinite love? What were your practices like prior to your major break through and the end of suffering/seeking

Today i'm taking a break from the game. Yesterday was rough. I'm hoping that taking a break from the game will help me perform better in the long run. Burn out is real, and i've been over doing it lately. I'm also unsure whether i should stick to a narrow champ pool, or should i just pick a bunch of different champs based on what my team needs from me. Being a one trick is based on my insecurity that i need to do this to climb, but maybe i can be a jack of all trades and still climb. I was having fun playing adc the other day, and while i still think TOP will be my main role, if i'm having more fun playing adc then i will switch to that.

Terrible day of games. I got over some anxiety about playing ranked, but the games were a mess. I'm fucking so bad it hurts. I was toxic af raging at my teammates. Not a good day of playing at all. I'm just lost in a lot of these games. No idea what I should be doing, or how to make stuff happen. I fall behind in some games, and i'm basically just hoping my team carries me or something. It's a fucking mess. I want to actually have fun. I WANT to like playing, today was a fucking grind and not really enjoyable at all.

@ElenaO Yeah I guess I could message her again. Honestly, I assumed when she stopped responding I thought she was over the conversation. I'm very picky with girls so I think when I find someone I tend to get attached. I still have a lot of work to do on myself, so it could be for the best and i'll find someone else when I improve as a person.

@Nahm How do I let go of conditions?

Current rank: Gold 2. Goal rank is challenger. I have a lot of resistance towards playing ranked. Idk I just get anxious and would rather play non ranked, but I know that playing ranked consistently is how i'm going to improve.

@Nahm What happens when theres nothing you want that produces good feeling. I cant think of anything that in the having of it I'd be happy if feel good. Should i write on the board I want to to want things that feel good to me?

I'm also trying to meet someone using dating apps and had a similar thing happen. I was talking to this girl for a few days and the conversation was great. She told me she was doing psychedelics one day, and haven't heard from her since haha. I felt emotions for her before we even met and idk if it's a good thing or a bad thing tbh. Good luck, I hope you find someone.

@Leo Gura Female or Female(s)? What are you looking for in a partner at this point? I imagine at your stage if you found someone with similar values it could be enough to settle down? Or do you still see yourself having multiple partners in the future before you settle down?

@electroBeam Yeah I am. But what you said about relationships already supposes that fact.

@electroBeam You're projecting your experience onto me home skillet. I don't want that to be my fate.

@LfcCharlie4 Thanks for the insight man. I'm worried about me losing attraction to her tbh. That's my biggest concern with the girl i'm talking to at the moment. She's great and I really like her so far, but what if in the future I meet someone else and i'm more attracted to this other person. Is it possible to choose my own partner as the most attractive person in the world? Ideally everyone we are with would be the person we want most, but I have a nagging feeling that at some point in the relationship I might try to trade up, it's part of a shadow side of me that wants to be the best at everything. So i'm worried that means finding someone who has all the good qualities of my current partner, plus x, y, or z. But that game will never end because I can do that with every person I date too lol.

@LfcCharlie4 What role did attraction play in the break up? I've been thinking about this topic recently, and i'm worried that when I get into a relationship I won't find my gf attractive anymore, or i'll find other woman more attractive. Was this an issue in your relationship, or was the breakup unrelated to how much you guys were attracted to each other?

I'm talking to a girl on Hinge and it's making me think a lot about relationships. This girl is very attractive, but I wouldn't consider her very sexy. Like she's smart, conscious, and very conventionally attractive and I can really see myself in a relationship with her but i'm afraid i'll get bored of her, or i'll just want someone more sexually attractive. It's an interesting problem, but it's largely self created misery here. This girl is really quite impressive, and I really want to pursue this. Either way I can. If I end up in a happy relationship in love then it'll be amazing. If I find I don't like her then i'll know in the future that I am attracted to different things. If she rejects me then i'll be humbled haha. It's all good. I can't lose here.

I wonder what is preventing me from breaking through. On the LSD I felt a break through, so I know it's real, and it was the most amazing experience of my life, at least as far as I remember. I assumed everything would be different after that, and although in many ways my life is different, I haven't been able to get back to that state of being. I felt good, amazing even. I want to feel good and amazing all the time, but most of the time i'm just numb. Maybe I need a dopamine detox? Maybe I need to exercise more? Idk.

How do you feel amazing though? I find this is my biggest struggle. My mood is always dull and numb, I can't get to a great feeling place. The only time I can reliably improve the way I feel is with LSD.

I'm working on being a pro when it comes to executing my life purpose. I'm currently climbing rank in league of legends and i'm making some good progress, but still no genuine flow and joy in the game. I'm improving and the game is starting to become very clear, but i guess i'm doing something wrong because there's no flow and joy in playing. Feeling pretty stuck with respect to my growth. I'm making some progress, like i'm doing practices, i just started doing concentration practice everyday, but no break throughs into the god tier feeling like i got with the LSD. I want to start doing trips again, i haven't done one in a few months now. Not sure when i will do it but, i still have a lot of LSD left which is good.