Raptorsin7

@Galyna Yeah I think so too. I never really gave traditional therapy, psychiatry etc a shot before going for "enlightenment" or whatever. All my problems are "me" problems. It's pretty much all problems created in how i think about stuff and the perspectives/beliefs i hold, so I have faith in therapy.

@zeroISinfinity I know that most people here are engaging in some form of escapism, i'm doing it too. I never really cared about awakening, i just wanted relief from unhappiness, and to find a happy state of being. I've been depressed before, and whatever i did then really worked and i felt better and was no longer depressed. There was a guy on the forum a while back, @Stakres he told me to forget about awakening and deal with this as a mental health problem, and seek professional help. I think it's time i put a lot of this stuff behind me and just find some stability with meds/therapy to move forward with life. Maybe, but there's people on the forum who i trust that claim they were of help. Look at charlie and haumea, ask them about it. If you don't think they're woke then so be it, but tbh they seem better integrated than you with all this work. If i spend a few months worth of calls and get no where then so be it, but it's worth at least sticking it out. Read Ramaji's 1000 and see what you think. Idk he seemed to describe a lot of stuff i've seen people talk about on the path, even stuff you're going through.

@Galyna I appreciate what you said. I think my animosity towards Nahm is just based on my present unhappiness and regrets. I don't think he did anything wrong or outside the bounds of what a professional does to help, I'm just tired and frustrated of being this unhappy. I agree with this. I'm planning on getting into additional therapy with all the other stuff i'm doing, and i've definitely learned a lot about the process and myself which should give me lots of material to work through.

@zeroISinfinity Yeah i understand. The entire convo is sickening, but i guess it needed to be said. I think you're right about needing to move out and go on my own. There's a good trade/technology school where i live, i think i'll have to plan on moving out and then getting student loans to get into the program. It feels sick that i'm going down this path, but you really think there itsn't another way. I haven't read much about co-dependence, but i'm assuming the dynamic i have between me and my parents is part of the reason i'm feeling stuck and powerless in life.

@Nahm I did tell you i was dropping out. The idea for the website was so simple. Work with enlightened coach, find happiness/enlightenment, then write about it and play the video game talking about the experiences on a streaming service. You told me it was a great idea. You told me the issue of attaching happiness to it, but you never addressed the question of being happy. That was the entire purpose of our calls. I talked to you every week for like 5 months, you never headed caution or gave follows up on progress etc. You told me this like 2 weeks ago, you never mentioned this for the months we were together prior to this. I tried almost everything you said or did. You and i worked together for like 5 months every week man. If you noticed that i wasn't following up like you wanted, you should have said something. It's life coaching, these are the kinds of issues you're supposed to talk about aren't you? Discipline, the fact that i wasn't following through? You never brought those topics up during our calls. I am pretty mad, because these core issues with my character etc were never addressed in the calls. The personality/character issues are becoming much more obvious to me now, but isn't that exactly what we should have been addressing in the calls? I feel mislead to the degree that the issues that are most prominent right now in my life, absence of responsibility, immaturity, narcissism etc were never once addressed in the calls. The expectation of life coaching from my end was to improve my life, improved mood, improved whatever. None of these things happened. I guess it's more buyers remorse, but when the product being offered is happiness and life improvement, and a person comes away after months of coaching with negative returns in those categories, the resentment makes sense.

@zeroISinfinity I understand and agree with what you're saying. But right now there isn't any motivation to that. I am a spoiled brat and i'm getting what i deserve based on how i act and live. Do you think if i had the fucking discipline, motivation, will power to just get up and 180 my life i would even be in this spot? There's a background misery that's just kinda present now, i'm not a suicidal person but i guess my true rock bottom will be when i make a plan to just get up and go on my own. I do blame Nahm. He never said to me what you're saying now. No one said hey if you're a spoiled brat and your parents support you, then this happiness stuff won't work for you and you will continue to be miserable. No one said hey you're going to have to just fully detach from your parents and make it on your own if you're going to find any happiness and peace in this ilfe. Wouldn't that be useful information to know before i give up on something that is a pathway to independence? Obviously it's my fault too because i'm the one who didn't think ahead on how the future would unfold, and no one can really fix this but me. But what you're saying now, which i agree with, is not what he told me. I'm not denying one bit that he is happy and awake, and can help people. But given what you just said and where my life is heading now, some anger and resentment makes sense. Blame is useless, being mad at him or anyone isn't going to help me. I have to live with the consequences of my decisions. I guess resenment is a better word.

Do you think i have to do it all alone? Right now the plan is for family to pay for apartment, and me and my brother get jobs to pay expenses and go from there. But i've been thinking that it's still co-dependence/attachment to parents. I'm going to try what i'm doing for a few months, i think by January i'll be at cross roads where it's either move to monastery or just tell my parents they gotta kick me out and let me survive on my own. Another thing. I'm pretty much done giving advice on the forum because i realize i'm a fucking idiot, and i'm in no place to give anyone advice. But make sure you have an idea of what you're saying if you're giving advice. I wish Nahm told me i was a spoiled brat who needed to move out and get hard, rather than go on fairy tale enlightenment journey for 7 months that led me to worse place than i started. Don't mislead people if you don't really know what you're talking about it, like i bet i've done a bunch here.

@zeroISinfinity 1. I haven't been playing Lol, and the reason i was playing was for the website idea. I don't really know what counts as addictions, i don't do drugs or drink. I guess phone and interest use are probably biggest addictions at this point. You don't even understand RASA. I'm not giving up on it so easily, i let go out law school hastily and it was a huge fucking mistake. I don't do other spiritual stuff, and i haven't used psychs since working with Ramaji. As for psychs. Have you seen research on psychs and depression? You realize that if i'm building a new life that's the time to use them, they help with resetting your mind and giving you clarity to build new habits. I never used Psychs like leo to just hit peaks and then come down and do nothing different. I used them basically as anti depressants. We were planning on getting a two bedroom apartment in city, and then me and my brother move out together and pay expenses etc. Vancouver is crazy expensive, i don't have good enough qualifications to get a job that can support rent and living etc. I'm looking for a job but with Covid it's tough. I think there's going to be vaccine in January so hopefully there's more available. If the idea is to just to throw away spoiled life and start from scratch. Why shouldn't i just move to a monastery for a few years? Wouldn't that accomplish the same thing?

You didn't hurt anything, i'm fucking emotionally numb so what the fuck are you going to hurt. I've been trying to cry for like 5 months, and even this entire rant here has gotten like some water in the eyes but nothing. I know you don't have to be awake to live a good life, i've overcome depression like this before and felt way better and felt like i had figured out many of my psychological issues. But i thought enlightenment work would help with all that. I changed my life in 2 weeks when i got yelled at by my dad, wouldn't it make sense that working with an enlightened guru would yield more results then some random self help work on a 19 year old depressed kid. It turns it didn't and my life is worse now than when i first came here. I don't even know what master life means. I just want to be happy, feel good, and be motivated to live life. That's the entire reason i'm here.

Yeah i've been realizing this a lot since i came back home. I've always been pretty immature, but i was always in school and on some path to something so i guess it was never a problem. I have one brother but yeah my parents are protective of me. Both my parents had more strict, hard upbringing so i guess they went easy on me and my brother. And yeah my dad thinks i'm useless, we have a few family business's but they never give me any real work and i guess it goes both ways, because i'm not motivated to just work hard with them and they don't mind either. I have some friends, but i don't have a real social net work to go and meet girls. Most of my friend are kinda shy, and reserved like me so there isn't a lot of out outward interactions. I'm using the apps to find a girlfriend, so if i find someone to date it could work but yeah i guess i do need to get out there and meet more people. I know i'm not grown up, i'm a weak person. But i thought this work would help me get more out myself and help me grow up. I've had a point in my life where i was down and depressed, like now, and i managed to lift myself up with a bunch of different self help stuff. It really worked, i felt way better. I thought working with Nahm and the forum etc would help with that. I don't want to be miserable spoiled brat, i expected some of this shit to actually work. I fucking dropped out of law school because i thought this would work for me, no one told me what you just said. I had 7 months worth of calls with Nahm and he didn't tell me this wouldn't work for me as long i didn't grow up. I know i don't have strength. But how do i unlock strength with in. There must be a version of myself that isn't a weak depressed child, but how i do find that person? Isn't that the fucking point of this work is to get more out of yourself, and be a better person. All the things you've pointed out about are the fucking reason i came here, self help to become a better person. Whatever i've been doing hasn't worked so far so i agree i need to change focus. I have to give Ramaji a chance for at least a few months before i give up on it, but you could be right about enlightenment not happening for me given how i currently am. But i don't know what to do. I have no prospects, i have a pretty useless degree. My plan right now is this: 1. Work with Ramaji and live at home doing what i'm doing hoping the RASA and the coaching brings some progress on the path. lfccharlie and haumea are both self realized and swear by the RASA so it's the best option i have so far. 2. If that doesn't work i'm going to start seeing a therapist every week and get on anti depressants. 3. If anti depressants don't work then i'm going to do therapy and psychedelics for the depression. 4. If all those fail then i'm probably going to join an ashram or maybe the military idk. The problem with my life is how unhappy i am and how disconnected i am from the world. I have no motivation, i have no desires, i have no dreams that inspire action. I thought this work would address all that. Doesn't enlightenment bring happiness?? Isn't self realization, realization of the happiness inherent in your own being? What would you do if you were me?

@zeroISinfinity Yes I do. Don't hold punches it's okay, do your worst.

@AwakenedSoul444 The subliminals could be a good idea, I guess I could give them a shot before bed. I'm getting tired of trying all these methods and then just stopping them, I was doing self love healing affirmations over night for a week or so but I don't stick with it. I think my current LOC is 575, I kinda forgot what Ramaji put it at haha. It makes sense that it hasn't gone up a lot since my last session, I haven't really felt any progress, except for more depression and awareness of depression causing thoughts haha if that counts.

Today was a low day. I went to work at the farm, but there was just a lot going on in my head and it kind of clouded the entire day. My parents really baby me, even at 24, and honestly I am complicit in the codependence. I feel weak, lazy, powerless etc and in turn my family accommodates me by giving me easy jobs at the family business. The entire complex is toxic, but I feel stuck and unmotivated to change, and my parents mean well and want me to be happy but they are kinda stuck in their ways and unless I make a change this pattern will continue. Even just walking up and down the rows picking weeds today I felt weak and powerless. I have this sense of hopelessness and sadness that is just in the background of experience for most of my time. One major source of the current depressive episode is regrets over dropping out of law school. When I dropped out I thought I was on the right path. I was feeling pretty good, I had the psychs, coaching etc and I thought reality would only serve to get better and better. I didn't expect to be this depressed again after making these big changes, but nevertheless i'm here. The regret is mainly one of self image and angst for the future. It's not that I really wanted to be a lawyer, or even really miss law school and want to go back. It's that right now i'm doing nothing, and i'm depressed. I have no career prospects and I just feel like a loser, so naturally I long for the days when at the very least I could say i'm in law school. I find myself kicking myself over not just writing the exams and giving myself more time like my family advised. It's a lot of regret, disappointment, shame. I made my bed and I have to lay in it, and all these "issues" with law school regert are simply negative thoughts that i'm focusing on the moment. No attention to them, no problem. This a clear example of how focusing on something negative in the NOW is where suffering is created. I'm aware of how these thoughts are the driver of part of my depression, but it doesn't prevent them from arising and it doesn't prevent the rumination. When I feel better and find some sort of relief or happiness from this suffering i'm confident that the thoughts of regret will simply pass through awareness without causing a stir, but right now they're being believed and I just have to live with it I guess. It's been humbling though going through this stage of shame and regret over how life is unfolding. I'm making an effort to kinder and more humble with my parents, I didn't expect to be home that long, but right now I don't know what i'm going to do, and any resentment or anger towards my parents just doesn't make sense and isn't serving me. No matter how much I want to look back and blame my childhood for how I ended up, at this point this my parent's have done above and beyond trying to help me get my life together, and i'm 100% responsible for how my fate turns out. I've been thinking a lot about how i'm going to proceed with my future. I still have faith that sessions with Ramaji and awakening in general will provide the solution to the suffering and sadness that pervades my life. My problems are all self created, in their reference to the ME that is living this life, and in the continuation of focusing on thinking and believing thoughts that don't feel good. I don't know how long or what it takes to awaken to the point where you can reside in effortless thought free states of well being, or be so in tune with thinking and focus, that the only thoughts that are focused on are thoughts of what deeply desire in life, and that feel good to focus on but those two facets would effectively wipe out all of my current, narcissist suffering. I've had thoughts of living in an ashram or monestary if all else fails. It's no doubt a form of escapism, to escape the shame/guilt/regret of not achieving the quality of life that i'd always hoped for in my typical life. But I have a lot of growing up to do as a person, and I don't know if living here in the west is the best path for me. I don't have any genuine desires, other than to find genuine happiness, and unlock a life of happiness, joy, magic, love etc. I don't know if it's destructive fantasy thinking, but I have had dreams, and direct experience, of life actually being fun and enjoyable. If I don't figure it out here, then I don't see a point in continuing the charade here. I'm drawn to run away from the world. Covid has been in many ways a blessing to my ego and the way i'm currently living. I don't want to do anything, and I don't really want to see anyone. At least with Covid the whole world is stuck in this predicament. But this won't last, and it's an incredible toxic mindset. To run and hide when things don't go your way is not the way to be, but at the same time many aspects of my life are not the way to be and i'm not sure what to do. And yet despite all this, when I look in the now... there is no problem. I don't have joy, bliss, or other high tier feelings but I can't say there is an issue. It's only when thoughts arise about future or past regrets, or thoughts about me and my life, that there is any sense of a problem. Wouldn't it be great if these kinds of thoughts just didn't arise, or if I just didn't buy into any of them. But right now I do so I guess in this quagmire i'll remain. By any metric I have a charmed life, in comparison to most of the world. And yet i'm not happy... I wonder if we're just fucked as a species. If the world were filled with people like me as I am at this point in life, we'd all be fucked.

Wow. This is one of the main drivers of my meditation practice, I had always hoped I could cultivate a sense of innate well being through meditation that would be my rock through life's ups and downs. I got mixed feedback about meditation giving rise to these kinds of sensations but this kind of stuff really gives me hope. Do you mind sharing what your direct experience of practice was like before and during these sensations. Did you feel any release in the heart, or tension in the head etc? What role do you think psych use (not sure how often/long you've been using psychs) has played in expanding your meditation practice? I've been meditating a few years now, and while my attention and mindfulness has improved in some respects, it's hard to say that i'm experiencing the fruits of my labor at my currently level of practice. Experientially, how has the psychs influenced your practice? Do you find similar releases of tension or sensations in deep meditation as you do from a deep psych trip. For me the best psych trips I've ever had were when the tension in my head/third eye region were completely released. leading to a sort of tension popping in my head. While I still feel strong third eye sensations throughout my days, and especially during meditation, It doesn't feel like my body will release tension in that area the same way given my current practice, without psychs or some other external stimulus to relax me or facilitate the release of tension.

@Demeter Thanks for the tough love man. I've always known i'm self obsesses and narcissistic, but i never really thought of that being one the main reasons why i'm so unhappy so thanks for shedding light on it. I had the attitude that i gotta get myself right first, and then i'll go about helping others. But the truth is i'm fully capable of helping at least some people right now and i should look for somewhere to do good. I emailed an organization that needs volunteer drivers for delivering food so hopefully that pans out. I'll keep looking for other volunteer opportunities too. Thanks again man, appreciate it.

@dimitri I'm not saying to stop doing what's working for you. To me it seems like psychs are the foundation, and without foundation I bet your routine wouldn't work the same. Could be wrong, but just my opinion.

@dimitri Get rid of the psychs and lemme know how all those other practices go for you.

@dimitri I think not needing psychs means you literally don't need psychs because you're getting everything you need from your sober state. I guess if one perspective feels better than go with it, but that distinction seems pretty pointless. Don't do any psychs for like 3 months, and THIS will feel a lot different I bet. I think psychs are the best practice because they lower resistance to all other practices so no shame in doing psychs. I think the biggest mistake I've made so far is I stopped using psychs after I had a breakthrough experience with LSD. I thought I don't need psychs and i'll figure it out on my own, but I underestimated how much they speed up progress.

@dimitri Are you at the emotional release point or did you pass that? For me the biggest break throughs on psychs are one's that release pent up and suppressed emotion. Are you crying regularly?

Hey how often are you doing psychs now, and when did you start taking them? If you don't mind.

In this video, the speaker talks about how the present moment is perfect just as it is, but the seekers conundrum is that they have certain beliefs preventing realizing of the perfection of the moment so they go on seeking something that can only be found now. According to her there is no problem in actuality, and if only the seeker could stop the seeking and become present then they would realize the beauty, perfection etc of the moment. Does anyone have any insight into this paradox from the perspective of both the seeker, and one who has realized the truth of this paradox? I'm in the position of the seeker, and i just don't understand what she's saying. It seems to me the ONLY place that peace, love etc could be is somewhere other than here because i'm here right now and i don't feel the love and perfection she's speaking about. Does anyone have info (or can point to resources) explaining what exactly i'm doing to block access to the divine. Obviously no one would choose to not notice the perfection of the moment, but the way she speaks about it it's as if it's so obvious and clear that this moment really is perfect. Any thoughts or insights are appreciated.

Today was a down day. My mood was pretty low, and i felt a background sadness and apathy throughout the day. How long will this fog last is something that's on my mind more or less all the time. And what will my life be like once this depression passes. I wonder if depression is something that should be dealt with before seeking enlightenment, but then again what i'm seeking is the happiness and peace that arises from enlightenment so it seems like the logical move. Do i need enlightenment to be happy? When i was a kid i was happy, all the way to about grade 3 i remember being a happy and productive kid., I was smart, effective, good at sports and school etc, i had my issues, but overall there was no blanket of grey and sadness. I notice now that this changed once i hit grade 4. For some reason ( i still don't remember when or what happened) i just regressed as a person. I started disliking school, i was not liked in class, and slowly but surely my grades and my performance in sports all started to slowly decline. I was never really happy throughout my childhood and adolesence again. I had moments of happiness and joy, i remember the first 2 weeks i played World of Warcraft being just blown away at how immersed i was in the game, but that didn't last. I was pretty depressed when i was 19, and it lasted a full year. The depression had a different flavor back then, i was much more hopeless back then, and the root cause seemed to be because i realized i was going to bald young like my dad. That fact crushed myself esteem, and it destroyed my motivation for school because my main motivating factor when i first started college was to become a doctor or pharmacist and get a good job, then get in shape etc so i could finally be cool, not be a loser, and finally feel good about myself and enjoy life. That depression ended with a sort of bang, where i came out of it feeling like a fucking super hero. Over the course of 2 weeks i overcame the depression through various techniques i don't even remember all the stuff i did, but i remember just gaining momentum day by day until one day i just kind of noticed i was different. I was no longer insecure about how i looked, i had way more confidence in general, and i had much more energy and vitality. I remember i got better at basketball quickly during that time, and when i listened to music it was like magic listening to certain songs. It was an incredible time in my life. I thought i had broken through to a higher state of being permanently, but the honeymoon lasted only about 1 semester worth. I didn't completely regress after that period, i managed to get my grades up and over the next few years i worked my way into law school. But the inter years were pretty forgettable. I went clubbing a lot and i knew that i wasn't happy and something was off, but i wasn't low enough where i needed to make a huge change, and i kind of kept putting it off until the future. There's a positive to me being in this low, depressed state again. When we reach our lowest point we are open to the greatest change. The end of this depression could kick off an incredible next chapter to my life, i've certainly set the stage for such a change to be possible. I read about the experience of some enlightened people on the forum, and it makes it seem like my post depression honey moon is nothing in comparison to what's possible. That's what gives me hope. But at the same time, if i can't even get back to that elevated state, which wasn't enlightenment, then maybe i'm seeking prematurley to get to enlightenment. Is there such thing as premature seeking? I wonder if these stories have any actual value. I don't feel much different while typing them, but it's not bad to just type on my couch. This is all egoic mind/thoughts. I have no problem surrendering ALL stories if it gets me to a higher place. I'm sick of seeking, and i'm ready to pay the price to evolve, even it means the death of this sense of self. The seeking has intensified since my first RASA which i guess is a good sign. It's too soon to tell if the RASA is going to be the savior here, but i'm planning on sticking with it for a while at least. It's my best option seeking wise right now, and if i can get the kinds of changes in experience that Ramaji mentions in his book 1000 then there will be no question that this was all worth it. Opening the heart and crown chakra like he talks about a bit in the book, would mean everything to me. My heart is almost completely closed, and i'm quite confident the one major breakthrough i had on pscyhs came from opening the crown chakra.

Thanks everyone. I am starting to appreciate more how trying to solve this with the mind is counter productive, but at the same time it's frustrating because even though i do meditate and spend time in silence, it feels like i'm just waking up each day hoping for a quiet mind, without noticing the fruits of the labor like she sais in the video. Seeking sucks, but i'm not going to give up and when i finally get i'll be screaming it from the roof tops haha.

Feeling better over the past few days. Been doing much more meditation, and i'm going to start doing a Metta/Loving Kindness meditation in addition to any self inquiry, or do nothing practices. I'm striving to do at least 2 hours of meditation per day for the near future. Still struggling to get a major emotional release. I really want to have a good cry, but for some reason it eludes me. I've tried watching some sad movies but i only get a few tears and nothing major. I've done wim hoff on and off but i've never gotten close to a full release, i think his technique on his app isn't even deep enough. I think the next thing i should try is a legit, paid breath workshop online. I'd say one of the biggest problems in my life right now is my mental weakness. I'm not a mentally strong person. When i exercise i give up easily, when it comes to getting out there in the world i feel timid and weak. For example, i've tried running at the track near my house and i end up giving up after a few laps even though i dont get really tired. I wish i could just go out there every morning and run for 3,4,5,10 miles at a time. It would be a major enhancer in the quality of my life, but i'm stuck in a catch 22. I want to be mentally tough, and the way to be mentally tough is to get out there and push and suffer, but i don't feel mentally tough so i don't want to do it and when i do i quit haha. I find myself wondering a lot about how there's more to life that i'm missing out on. I know from my dreams. For as long as i can remember i have recollection of dreams that involve what seems to be ME, but involved in a more engaging, interesting, and magical life. For whatever reason these dreams are just better than my normal life and it bothers me a lot. I've had numerous mornings of waking up and just spending hours trying to remember and re live the past dream. I've had dreams of playing basketball with James Harden, and other interesting and fun stuff. I actually don't know what to make of these dreams, but it's an interesting but sad dynamic. I really wish my waking life was awesome and fun like my dreams. I am thankful that at least my dreams are fun and engaging though, so at least in some part of me it's possible to live an interesting and happy life haha. I do find myself wondering why the world is as it is. Like i'm not happy, but i live an incredibly privileged life. My parents are stage blue/orange, but they really care about me and they basically work insanely hard and they don't even spend a lot of money. Like my dad works like 10 plus hours a day farming, and here i am just lazy and weak sitting around all day trying to meditate and become enlightened and happy. I don't want to be sitting at home being unemployed without prospects, but considering what's happening in the world with Covid, and all the other fucked shit i've gotta be in the 99th percentile of just blessed lives on earth. But that's a fucking joke, if i'm in the 1% of human quality of life like my life is a fucking joke tbh. But i think i'm in the bottom percentile of like experience of life i bet. Even when you see poor people in Africa etc these kids look really happy, and they're grateful for the small blessings they get. I think many people are happy with their lives, mainly out of ignorance of what's possible and just how much suffering they have. There's also the issue of me projecting my wants and desires onto other people. Like even though i think most people are happier and more satisfied than me, when I look at they lives i wouldn't trade places at all and that's because of my standards as to what a good life is. I'm like this journal entry. I don't usually write entries this long, but it feels like my mind is just being laid right onto the page it's pretty sweet. I will probably do more of these long form stream of consciousness posts moving forward. It's relaxing to just type out whatever arises and just kind of go on these tangents.

@LfcCharlie4 Would you say it's easier to deal with addictions and stuff like that post awakening? I'm assuming for many awakened beings with obvious health issues(being overweight, alcoholism etc) that the main issue is that they don't see an issue and so they have no will or desire to change.