Raptorsin7

@zeroISinfinity I was playing league because i thought i found happiness through meditation, psychs etc. League of legends is most popular game in the world. People will listen to those who are good at the game. Millions of lost beings playing that game, so much potential to wake people up and plant seeds in their minds. Idea fell apart when i realized i was still a miserable seeker, and had nothing of substance to offer anyone. I haven't played in like 2 weeks i got banned for toxicity

@zeroISinfinity Yeah i guess i'm not ready to do whatever it takes to get out of this. Still hoping for breakthrough, but maybe it will never come. Going to look up teaching in India, that's likely the move if none of the above works. One way ticket to homeland i've never been too. If i'm going to be a loser, and learning to stand on two feet, then i think 20's in India is as good a place as any to do this. I either find what i'm looking for, and come back to Canada a self actualized person. Or i remain in exhile and live out my days like Yoda.

RIP

Just watched Leo's victim video. It summarizes my mindset pretty well. I'm a victim. There's a few guys on this forum who are huge victims, i recognized them when i first started posting when i was in school. I never really understood them, and felt bad that they were just so powerless. I get it now. I'm right there with them. It's sad and funny. Feel like a total loser. I think i'm stuck in a perpetual state of shame or repressed shame? Maybe i have repressed anger, and so i'm stuck in constant shame complex? Hopefully therapy provides some good answers in this dimension. I feel a lot of pressure in the third eye and head region. This is the most tension that has been there since my LSD break through. I know that when the tension in the head is released and i let go fully that there will be a release of suppressed emotions, and break through to a higher state of being. This is exactly how it happened on my LSD trip, it's why i was so confident in what i was doing. The sensations are right here, i can feel them, but they won't release. I wonder if i just have to ride this low for however long it lasts, and then when the high comes i have to milk and use it to achieve financial independence. I was speaking to my uncle today, and i've heard from other sources too, manic depressives can achieve insane results when they are on a high. It's just a matter of how long the high lasts. If the high lasts beyond maybe 3-4 months, then i'm pretty sure i can ride that high and make money in that time. I could climb league to challenger, and then start writing and streaming. People would pay to see a manic dude play league of legends in a heart beat. I could think of how to market, and play up a character, but it could really work. That would set me up for my next low because i could just live off the money i earned and plan my next step. A major source of angst for me right now is the fact that i have no economic prospects. My family money is pretty much useless at this point, because I'm not a self sufficient human who could use the money to my advantage, and my parents won't give me the money until they die which won't be for like 40 years. By the time i inherit any money my life will be past it's prime, and if i haven't figured this shit out by 40 or 50 then it's likely i will never figure it out. That idea is crazy and i don't feel good about it, but i don't feel good about any of the other ideas either so idk. The next step for me is likely to ride the depressive wave until end of summer. Keep going to the farm asap and try to help out and work. See a psychiatrist and therapist, keep getting rasa, take meds, and then see how i feel on this regiment. The hope would be that a medication like prozac or lithium will prevent the lows i'm in right now, so i have more a stable baseline from which to function. If i had more energy from let's say prozac and well butrin, i would establish a strong morning routine and start running and working every morning using the new found energy. One concern of antidpressants is increased risk of suicide which is concerning. I sometimes think about what if i was suicidal, but i've never been seriously considering killing myself, my life was never that low. But i never thought i'd be this low, and i didn't think i'd drop out of law school, so the mind and the mood are maleable enough to not be trusted. I don't really understand the dynamics of suicide. If i am an infinite being, who's made of infinite pure love, then wouldn't i just come back in a different dream if i committed suicide. No one seems to have a good answer to this conundrum. My attitude towards suicide has always been i will eventually so there's no need to rush, and my life isn't anywhere near miserable enough to warrant suicide. If nothing works by the end of the year, i will likely pack my shit and move to asia and start english teaching. It could be fun to spend my mid 20s just bouncing around asia teaching, and learning to be independent and responsible. I really hope it doesn't come to this but it's an option. The ideal/goal is to address the problem of the mind and learn to control the mind in such a way that i can stabilize my mood, set solid goals that feel good, and just live a productive functional life and go from there. The purpose of the RASA, psychiatric meds, therapy etc is to gain control and tame the mind/ tame the ox. If i learn to tame the mind then all the above i wrote will be thrown out the window, and the trajectory of my life will be completely different. It will be like these pasts few months were just a bad dream, and i would begin with a blank slate in the present moment with a tamed mind. I hope this, or something similar happens. God willing.

@zeroISinfinity It's okay i appreciate your help, i think i have enough resources at my disposal from here on. The self obsession? I do take everything personally, i don't know if that's a result of me being inside my own head for so long, or if it's narcissistic personality disorder or something.

@zeroISinfinity @Galyna Yeah so i guess to summarize where you guys think the problem is: I was spoiled growing up and my parents protected me from actual hardship so i have distorted perception of how the world works and how people live. So as a result i'm disconnected, isolated, lonely, and that contributes to general misery and shame about my life. Also I didn't develop sense of responsibility, independence, maturity, so now as i have gotten older i find myself emotionally and psychologically underdeveloped compared to other people, and this contributes to feelings of inferiority. Anything else you think I missed? I thought that through this work i would uncover emotional and psychological blocks that were present through childhood, because i was more responsible, mature kid, and then that changed at some point and i became a troubled kid, and through addressing the problems in childhood i would gain more clarity and motivation and energy would arise through working through these issues. I also thought life had potential to be incredible, magical etc but lens/perspectives i was holding was what prevented me from seeing a better life so to speak. But it sounds like the solution for me is to completely detach from parents and learn to struggle and survive on my own, and then that will bring happiness? I appreciate the advice but we've gone so many pages of telling me about immaturity issues etc i think the point is made, can you guys summarize your points about the issues more?

@Galyna Sure

@zeroISinfinity I know i have to grow up i'm in the process of trying to sort this stuff now. I appreciate your story, but other people have more miserable lives doesn't mean anything to me, I know life sucks for most people because of circumstances, for me i have no excuse of circumstance but life still sucks. Really makes no sense, life is a dream, all infinite love, but 99% people's lives are just pure survival, literally be born survive then die for everyone.

@zeroISinfinity If there was absolutely nothing wrong with me I wouldn't be on a self help forum seeking advice from strangers on how to be happy lol. Coaching didn't work but there's more going on than just lack of development for coaching. I agree that i lack development and if i was more mature and at different stage in life than i bet Nahm's teachings could help me. But the main thing we got stuck on was how to choose a better feeling thought, that was the biggest block lol. Nahm would say pick a different thought that feels good, and my mind would start going all over the map trying and i could never find a better feeling thought. He also stressed the importance of meditation to feel good, but i've tried meditating a lot over the years and i never experienced what he was saying. It was basics of basics that i couldn't grasp. In hindsight i think LSD is what gave me the most improvement over the last few months. It forced me to just sit down and face what's going on. The only 2 good trips i had were trips where i was able to fully relax and release tension from my head. That's what it was that worked so well, the LSD just let me relax and unwind tension which i don't think i really ever did in my life. My family is full of insanely hard workers they don't know how to relax but for some reason it doesn't bother them. My uncle is a good doctor, and i sent him an email after my LSD breakthrough trip, where i felt bliss flowing through me and released all the tension from the third eye, and he told my mom he's pretty sure i'm manic depressive and i need lithium, or prozac. I think he's ri'ght. My guess is over the years i've been at a low, depressive state, and periodically i've hit highs, and those almost always come with major life upheavels. I think i got used to the Lows throughout the years, so the low state just became my baseline and i never really considered that i was just chronically depressed and in a low. I've reached to out some psychoanalysts that also work as psychiatrists so i'll know in the coming weeks about a diagnosis and treatment plan. I'm assuming meditation, running, thinking etc will be a lot more beneficial when i'm able to be relaxed and low tension from meds. @kag101 has posted a similar story. He was chasing enlightenment neurotically, doing meditation, ayausca, and various other new age therapies and he managed to find relief and real progress with meds and therapy.

@zeroISinfinity My dream is to be happy and enjoy life, like in my dreams and as a kid that's the best i can do in terms of honesty about dreams and what i want. Staying in Canada will not do those things to the same degree as going to a third world country. I could learn those habits way more efficiently somewhere else, there's nothing for me in Canada it's a perfect country, but me as I am cannot enjoy it and appreciate it so what's the point. I'd rather then 3 years learning to see how real poor people live, as opposed to living in Canadian city working construction job and basically just learning same humility but with better conditions and less struggle. Nuclear options should be real nuclear option, i'd rather be miserable and struggling in middle of nowhere India than stay in Canada. Whole point would be to learn some real discipline and skills then come back and start my own thing. I think leaving and starting fresh as new person would be way to go. i talked to Nahm. I am sorry for making it seem like it's his fault my life is where it's at. He did his best, and i just think i wasn't in right state of mind to apply his teachings. What he said never clicked with me. I worked with him for a good amount of time man, it just didn't click. Maybe in the future when i'm different it could work, he's not a grudge holding kinda guy i bet he would work with me again then.

Haha i appreciate the insight, but i don't think this is the problem. I am just a bad human. I'm dissconnected, self obsessed, lonely, unsatisfied, etc. The problem for me is i have memories of childhood, and from my dreams, that life is possible to be awesome and magical. But every day for me is nothing like that, it's like a weird privileged purgatory where i'm just aware that life could be good, but for me it's not that and i then i just kinda go through my days like a zombie stuck in my head. I don't really worry about predators coming for my money or whatever. And no one can really harm me if they are spiteful because i isolate myself from the world.

@zeroISinfinity I'm not going to rush. But I don't think staying in Canada will do me any good. I've already lived on my own in a city here and i wasn't happy this place isn't for me given my current mindset and state of being. The whole point of this plan would be to teach me respect, independence, humility, responsibility and separation from my parents. India, Asia, South America would be options to live in rural conditions. I had a law teacher who did something similar i heard he was an unhappy law student, then spent 7 years in south america before coming back to Canada. He seemed like a good guy, i can email him and ask what he was like before and how the trip changed him. Leaving for however long it takes to become a man, and then come back to Canada and finally appreciate the wealthy and luxury is a better plan than i currently have. I honestly thought that's what i was doing with spiritual work, find yourself etc and then enjoy life but I don't know if that's how this stuff works.

This has been useful so need for sorry. I always kinda knew these problems were there but it hits home with the bombardment for sure. What you're saying about no therapy etc doesn't make sense because i can go to therapy and if i get no results i'm in exact same situation. Upside of therapy is i solve mental blocks and then i move on with life without going nuclear. But nuclear may be best option. With covid air ports are closed, but if i'm going to go nuclear I can't do it where I live. It would be too easy to go back to family, friends etc for support. First sign of adversity given my current state and mentality i would cave and go home. If i go nuclear i'm going to go to another country and start over full slate. I have bachelor's so i can get english teaching jobs in different countries. I'm Indian, but i've never actually been to India. Could be useful to back there learn from third world country and just start from scratch. What i'm looking for is grit, discipline, responsilbility etc. I guess the plan would be just go, and don't come back until i've made a man of myself. Family money etc will be here whenever i return so then maybe i could enjoy and do something useful with the money when i'm matured. What does that mean it's all @commie I understand. But cost isn't really a thing in this situation. The issue is i'm fully dependent on my rich family, got nothing of my own but anything i need or want they will give.

@zeroISinfinity I understand what you're saying. If nothing changes I'm going to be 40 with the same problems i don't want that. But I dont know what to do. If I get up and move out tmrw and rent a room, what if I break and just move back home. Right now I'm fucked, there would be nothing stopping me from just returning. I remeber last time i was depressed after I got better. The first thing i said to my parents is they should have yelled at me more, so I get the perspective. But I had a will to change then that came from my dad telling at me. Right now its just flat, there's no will to do anything. @Raphael Its okay feel free to continue, this journal has turned it nothing but a pity party anyway so cant do worse. I'll pm you @Raphael @commie Thank you, but me living at home is not based on any prudent financial planning or anything. I'm just lost and stuck, I thought I'd feel better and find happiness through this work and that would inspire the next phase of my life but so far it hasn't happened. I dont agree with all of zero's points but the core of the issues hes right @modmyth No so far I'm not. The last time I was depressed I did do that stuff on my own, but there was a kick in the ass that inspired change. It was felt. There's nothing at this moment driving that. But honestly last time I had no desire to improve anything in was just kinda in denial and avoided the problem. That's why I'm seeking out professional help, if I could do it on my own then it cant hurt to have a pro provide insights and guidance along the way. If it doesn't work then so be it, but I dont see how it can be considered a bad move given where I'm at

I don't care about enlightenment. I just want to be happy like in my dreams and like I was as a kid. I also just want my fucking sensations in my head to release and relax. ive felt them on the verge of popping for months now. Whatever your version of enlightenment is, yeah I'm not ready for that. But there is some basic shit wrong with me that I know can be fixed.

@zeroISinfinity I'm not there yet. You might be right, but I'm not low enough yet to accept what you're saying. I still have hope that I can find what's preventing enjoyment of life as it is. Even man child with no skills could be happy life, I believe true happiness is not about conditions but just is. I had a happy child good it wasnt always numb and lifeless. Dont knkw what what happened when I was a kid but happiness got sucked away and life sucked. I remeber it clearly, grade 3 I was a self actualized kid, life was good. Then next year grade 4 life and school got dark and bad, and never really recovered

@zeroISinfinity Yeah it's true no one in my life ever really said this stuff so blunt. I guess people thought because I was in law school then no problem, but i never expressed how deep down i knew it was all wrong and something is off about life. Rock bottom is coming. I see how fucked everything is around me right now. Nahm tried his best but I don't think I'm ready for his teachings. Going to go with therapy and psychiatrist and re build life from scratch.

@Galyna At this point it's all just labels. Type of person i am right now, unhappy, selfish etc can be thought of as my entire personality or ego. That's where the issue is. So whatever it takes to get personality/ego to be functional, self sufficient, happy etc is where i need to spend energy and focus.

@zeroISinfinity Thanks man. I wish you well too

Yeah i talked to him yesterday, it was a good talk. I imagine he'll deal with similar situations in the future haha so it could be good practice. It's delusional to think it's his fault that i dropped out of law school, or that i'm in current depressive episode. I imagine this sort of blame and transference is common with people working with think/personality disorders.

@zeroISinfinity Psychotherapist and psychiatrist are not examples of keep doing it my way. I never tried either of those seriously over the past year because i thought people on the forum were beyond that and could give more wisdom. Do you have any idea what therapy and psychoanalysis even do? Is my problem that i'm spoiled brat who won't grow up, and needs to be taught hard lesson about realities of growing up and being adult. And/or is the problem my belief and thoughts are fucked, and i keep replaying same unhappy story to myself over and over and producing same result, with no ability to create space to focus on positive thoughts and find relief. I'm pretty sure the second part is a big problem of what's going on with me too. I can address number two with professional help, why wouldn't i do that first before exiling myself to live a hard life?

@zeroISinfinity This dynamic of doing healing work to feel better is literally what good therapist and psych will do. You realize i could go to psych and therapist, get on whatever treatment program or structure, and then use that as bridge to get other stuff going to. Like exactly what i did last time. I'm literally saying i'm going to seek out professional help and get expert opinions on how to move forward with these problems, which are real problems. Hopelessness, shame, regret, no joy, melancholy, no interest etc all of these are literally why mental health work exists in the first place. I agree about what happened last time. Biggest mistake i made was i went back to living old life. Go to school, be a doctor/lawyer etc like family wanted. I fell right back into the trap that got me depressed. Now i have experience and would not go down prestige trap. I have nothing to lose at this point by seeking professional help and trying to address problem with conventional approach of therapy and meds. Worst case it doesn't work and i'm at rock bottom again, which i'm at right now. I'm pretty fucking sure based on convos with Nahm and my own experiences, that theres no problem in my life other than one's created by unconscious beliefs and perspectives that i haven't uprooted and seen through yet. You know how fucking stupid i'd have to be to just throw away all resources that could address this simple problem, to go hard mode and give up all resources. There are clearly core beliefs and repressed emotions that driving behavior. Psychoanalysts literally target these two areas of the self. Imagine i just did what you said, gave up all resources and just roughed. i'd spend 20 years grinding my way to financial point where i can address core beliefs that are causing misery. There's no way you've thought any of this through.

@zeroISinfinity I'm not seeking anymore, not in the sense that i expect to find awakening or enlightenment or bliss etc. I'm going still going to talk to Ramaji because i enjoy the call, and there's no downside to continuing. Good thing about seeking map with stages, is i know if i'm at a certain stage or not. if nothing changes in direct experience over next few months and i'm stuck at a singular stage then i'll know to just move on. I don't have any actual life stuff going on. Today i woke up, had tea and oatmeal from my grandma, argued with you and freaked about Nahm, then went to doorshop until 7, then talked to my mom about her maybe being sick and worrying about me and my brother, then sent some emails to psychoanalysits/psychiatrists, then weighed blueberries, now i'm on couch talking to you. The entire day is permeated by background sadness and hopeless feeling. I'm pretty fucking sure this is depression, and this is why they have therapists and psychiatrists to deal with problems like this. I wonder how many people just brute force through these feelings and thoughts, thinking they don't need therapy and meds because it's not real and then get stuck in misery for years for no reason. Every fucking idiot on this forum was sucking off @winterknight a few months ago, before i got here. I actually heard of him from one your posts. You know what he fucking said. Seekers should see psychoanalyst before going for full awakening because psychological baggage will be too much to notice results. He said work through psychological issues first. Which is exactly what i'm going to do.

Yeah it's not a real job. My parents just want me to go because they think it makes me less depressed being out at the farm then being at home. You literally have no idea what you're talking about here. Relative to the balkan wars, yeah i have no problems. But relative to spoiled kids who have issues with responsibility, motivation, purpose etc there is work to do. You realize what counts as needing help/therapy is all relative right? In 100 years people will look at my life the way you look at guy who survived Albanian genocide. Imagine holocaust survivor telling woman being beaten by her husband that she has no problem because at least he's not throwing her into an oven. Purpose of therapy is to help with finding joy, purpose, motivation etc. Literally there's entire fields of jobs designed to address problems i'm having. There's no rule that says oh because you are unhappy because of privledge there's nothing to be done for you. Maybe therapist will say same as you idk we'll see. When i was 19 i was depressed and sad because of balding. I wasn't even close to balding at that time just like a little hair loss. It destroyed my psyche. Went from straight A's to failing and not going to class. I was spoiled brat then to with same issues. You know what fucking worked? Exercise, cold showers, CBT, re framing memories, re framing perspectives. All this stuff is what therapists are designed to do. You are so fucking stupid you would have said oh that's not real problem man, you got to man up forget about hair and move out and get going. I actually got better from that depression, it completely changed my life, i had never felt that good in my life. My parents grew up like you. Both familes are no nonsense incredibly hard workers. Both my parents know me and my brother are weak, lazy etc. They think problem was oh we weren't hard enough on them, kids were too spoiled. Actual problem was we got fucked beliefs about self confidence, relationships, always believing we are flawed, life's a bitch and then you die. Highest motivations and pursuits from places of well being and love. You may be right that the only way through is to just pack up and go solo mode. But i'll be damned if i don't at least try to seek out help, and find people practicing methods that i've had work for me in the past.

Yes, i'm trying to escape my hopelessness, isolation, dissatisfaction, apathy. I know it's time to grow up, but therapy and psychiatry are real tools to help people with this kind of stuff. I can face fears and difficulties while working with a psychotherapist. That's what they do, you go into your past, childhood etc to uncover traumas and beliefs that are preventing from moving on with my life and growing up. Me being spoiled, acting like a child, not taking responsibility etc is rooted in codependent relationship with parents. All this stuff is understood and explored through therapy. I agree with your diagnosis here, but i you are completely discounting the role of therapy and healing methods in addressing this stuff. I recognize all the above as a problem, but that's exactly what you can work with therapists about. Therapists will help you go into your shit and see why i'm continuing to fuck up etc. I did this once before when i was 19 and depressed, i went into childhood memories of my aunt chasing me down and me hiding in a cloest, and my dad throwing me outside and hitting me, i went into memories like these and tried to console my inner child. It really worked. I felt amazing then after all that work, i didn't even know about the path but it felt like happiness and life was just so good then it was crazy. Music even sounded better, i looked different in the mirror, i was better at sports etc. And that was just random stuff i was doing on the spot, no therapy, no guidance etc. Meds could be useful for energy and apathy. Right now i'm focused on just general sadness and hopeless feelings most of day, it could be easier to plan for future and set habits with either numbed out emotion, or maybe temporary boost in feeling. There's psych meds for increased energy too, so they could help get an exercise routine going, because right now i have no motivation and energy, and just quit too easy in workouts. I'm not a doctor these are just things off the top of my head. Yeah i agree with you here. There was one girl who was pretty cool who i went on a few dates with, but I think she sensed i was a loser, and just didn't want to commit. In Vancouver people living at home in 20s isn't like in other cities. Average house price is well over a million dollars, most people can't afford anywhere close to that, so my situation is not that abnormal like it would be in other areas. I work with my family, so it's not like i'm fully unemployed, lots of people are on legit government benefit because COVID layoffs. Also even me in loser state i am now, still tall and good looking, still smart, still wealthy family, emotionally sensitive etc... most girls could do worse than me even though i'm a loser. I don't disagree with your assessment, i'm trying to be a better person. You ever hear of all or nothing type thinking. That's what you're doing now. It's either i just get up move out and rough it completely, or i'm going to be loser and nothing will change. That's what i'm going to therapist and psych to get best possible advice on how to move through this and improve. I may be a spoiled loser but i'm motivated to change and i'm willing to go as deep into psyche as necessary to learn about myself and understand why life is playing out as it is. I was depressed before, 1 whole year. It was kinda similar to how i am now, just hopeless, apathy, low esteem, no will or drive to do anything. And i fixed it in like 2 weeks. I felt way better, after those two weeks i still had same privileged problems at core, but i felt better i had confidence, energy to exercise etc. It makes way more sense to address that problem then what you're saying. Also motherfucker, you haven't figured this shit out either. You are not weak in same way as me, but you don't empathize with me. I read your journal all the time... you FEEL love. You can cry. You have creative power to design dream life. You just choose not to for some reason. I don't give a fuck if this dude @Raptorsin7 is not real and this is just game to experience. I fucking love video games and dreaming. I have happy dreams every night, it's like i have two separate realities going. I would jump at the chance to live my waking life as the dreams i always experience. I'm pretty sure your life is much more dream like than mine, but you won't accept it. I would take it in a heart beat no questions asked to just enjoy the life time as a dreamer. I don't mind harsh criticism feel free to keep going at me.