Raptorsin7

I feel regret, stemming from thoughts about dropping out of law school. I feel shame when I think about peoples response when I tell them I dropped out. I feel the sensation in my head deeply right now. This is the part of my body responsible for all my good trips. It's all like the pressure and tension is wound them in this one region. I've yet to learn about how to control this area and release it naturally. The only way I know of is with lsd, but I havent taken it in months. Psychs are my last resort if none of this other stuff works out for me. God willing they won't be necessary. Note: What bothers me now is how I'm at a complete low, and law school was at least something to look forward to, and a source of pride. Also, I think of some jobs I could have done with the degree. It was such a hasty and impulsive decision. I had like 3 days per exam because of covid and I could have just wrote the exams and then decided to drop out later. It was complete self sabotage I notice that I dont fully feel emotions from thoughts. I want to feel emotions deeply, even negative emotions I don't feel deeply and consistently. Emotional blockage and suppression is likely my default state

I feel pressure in the center of my head, and tension in the crown of my head. I feel heavy. Note: I've heard descriptions of depression where there's a feeling of moving through mud, or moving through molases. I'm not sure if i'm just describing my experience with those words, I have no way of comparing to an actual bench mark or anything. I've never been diagnosed with mania or depression. But i've had the highs and lows over this past year that i think fits bipolar type 2. The thing is idk what's the difference between being engaged, motivated, inspired and what's unhealthy hypomania.

@Sombra Haha i'm glad you're following. I respect your style and I love your journal. Consider this one the opposite of yours. This is self loathing, weakness, and apathy. But the emotions flying higher to your set

I feel guilt/shame when my mom does stuff for me like make my lunch for work, or bosses me around. I judge myself for being a man-child, and when she does that stuff for me I feel the shame and guilt. Note: I think i fear that if someone was watching they would judge me negatively, and i also judge myself negatively for it.

I feel powerless. Note: It's difficult to pick one word that describes my current emotional state. It seems like i can describe this state with a number of different words, but does that defeat the purpose of the journal if i'm using 10 different words for a single emotional state? I would also say i feel heavy, lost/directionless, ashamed, worthless. I think all these words are describing a single emotional state? A worthless person would also be feeling ashamed and would also feel powerless.

I feel like i'm at rock bottom. I feel like a loser, and I have a giant blue shadow around discipline, work ethic, grit, etc. I'm an immoral personal, and i have no code or ethics by which i live my life. Does anyone have experience of being at rock bottom, and how they turned it around? I'm basically a complete loser right now, but i still have no desire or will to make radical changes. I have reached to various therapists, analysts, psychiatrists etc so i'm going to throw the book at this, but i do feel if anyone of this is going to work it has to start with me, and i just feel like a complete and total fuck up who isn't capable or willing to make necessary changes.

This is a good idea, and something I haven't tried really ever. I'll give this one a shot, I like the idea of pure solitude. Maybe all the stuff you've been saying will be seen in a different light when i'm completely alone, without any distractions.

I understand this is the issue, but i've been on this single point for months now and it's not clicking. I try to meditate and then i just give up, keep attention on thinking, or finish a session but i never get any emotional release through sitting and breathing. The closest thing that's worked is breathing with LSD, but i don't know what that was now. The bliss and full relaxation of the head only came from being high as a kite plus trying to relax. I have no idea how to actually relax, and neither does anyone in my immediate family. I'm going to see a psychiatrist in the coming weeks, and i'll likely get either lithium or prozac, i've heard prozac is good for relaxing so i bet all this stuff will work better with the added effect of an antidepressant. I have the belief though. I am in that condition as we speak, and trying to sit down and meditate to let it go has done virtually nothing for me over the past 6 months in providing lasting relief. I really don't think i can work out that belief and feeling just by myself. I've tried and i end up on a roller coaster of improvement, only to end up back where i started or worse off. I internalize and personalize a lot, everything in my life has always come down to who I am, judging aspects as either positive or negative. But i don't know how to find all the beliefs, and then just stop believing them. Saying to myself I am a good person, vs saying i am a loser, doesn't produce that much of a difference in feeling. I think it comes back to the avoidance and suppression of feeling. I know i do this, i have all sorts of behavioral ticks like scratching, leg shaking etc that are all about avoiding feelings, but being aware doesn't get me any closer to fixing it. I've spoken to a psychoanalyst, and she told me a key to success in therapy is forming an emotional relationship, where the person is comfortable expressing and feeling emotions, and success is influenced by how much a person has the capacity to and is willing to feel into their emotions. I really think this is something I need to do and will benefit be more than anything else. My relationship with my parents is emotionless. Both my parents are emotionally immature, and i've never had a relationship with another human being that was emotionally sensitive and completely open. I've got the point before here from people on the forum, i think what i need is therapy, not enlightenment and advanced self help. My base is fucked, and it's like everything else i do is adding stuff on quicksand. Until the base is affirmed nothing will stick. I can't really travel anywhere right now because of Covid, but i'm going to start doing intensive psychotherapy for 3-4 times a week for the foreseeable future. The foreseeable future is just that for me. I'm going to try and get a job with my family, and just spend virtually all time outside of work to address these issues. Who knows how long it will take, but i got nothing else to do in this life time, and whenever i solve it, i'll have the second half of my life to finally be a whole and functioning human being. I've seen/heard the script of therapy and meds working well for lots of people. A balanced mind, with energy and some will power, if i can get that from therapy and meds and live my life then it's a win in my book.

@Keyhole @Gesundheit Have either of you ever formed a deep emotional connection with another human being, where you felt fully comfortable to share any side of you, and you were able to express emotions with said person that you couldn't with anyone else? I've been looking into therapy a lot recently, and i think the core of my problem is in emotional dis-regulation. I am emotionally suppressed and emotionally immature, which i think bleeds into my life and is responsible for my series of set backs. My parents were emotionally immature, so i think early on in life i didn't have my emotional needs met and so i shut down emotionally. I've never formed a secure relationship with a fully functioning human being because my trauma/personality would cause me to only seek other broken people who just reinforced the status quo, and allowed me to maintain my emotional system intact without questioning. My theory is that i must form an emotional connection with another human being, in this case a therapist, so that i can learn to express and process my repressed emotions and bring the suppressed parts of me to life. I think it has to be done with another human being, not sure if this can be done alone. Once there is a healthy satisfying relationship with another human being, i imagine i will use that as a model through which to form other relationships and live my life. This is my best guess. I don't think i can solve this alone, or with just self help techniques and psychs. I have to get to the core of my trauma and understand why i'm so fked up, and learn to process emotions that have kept me stunted for so long.

@Farnaby I remeber being a happy, sociable kid when I was in grade 3. Then something happened between grade 3 and grade 4 and after that life started to suck. I hated school, got bullied, was unhappy etc. I've had ups and downs since then, but I've never returned the quality of life I had when I was a kid.

@Mu_ Thank you. I'm actively seeking out therapy so I guess that will be the main focus is dealing with the negative thinking and feeling. I think asking for and receiving advice will be more beneficial when I'm confident I can actually follow through. Right now everything is just words and I just assume that it wont work and/or I wont do it

@zeroISinfinity You already tried helping me, and i agree with your assessment but your advice does not resonate. I'm not even ready to bleed and sweat, i have no motivation at all, if you tell me to bleed and sweat i'll say no and just remain stuck. I don't know where the solution is, but given where i'm at i just can't/won't do it.

I guess according to my standards, and my families standards, more so mine. I just feel like a loser/ think i'm a loser. I have no disicpline, i have no work ethic, i am a yo-yo self helper, one week i feel good and have good habits, then i'll slip back into depression for a month, nothing sticks. It's all in my head how i view myself, and how I think about myself. But i just keep coming back to the self judgement and criticism, and i remain stuck. Like last night i told myself i have to get up right when i wake up so i can be productive, but the moment i woke up i just caved and layed in bed. I just laid in bed for like 3 hours because i liked the comfort of the bed, and I could feel the resistance just sitting there and i did nothing to go through it. I have no direction, i have no goals, i have no desires. Life is meaningless and i'm just stuck. And i can't even will myself out of it. Like i've tried to go to the track and run for miles because running is a good antidepressant and it could build will power and make my mind tougher, but then i just give up after like a few laps. I'm just mentally weak. I'm selfish and i only think about myself. I literally care nothing about the troubles of others. I read on here that spirituality is nothing without morals and it makes sense because i've meditated a lot but i've gotten virtually nowhere, but i haven't lived by any moral codes or rules. I don't even think i can live by moral rules, i would start then i would just give up and be back here complaining about it.

I spoke to my parents about working at the farm full time. I think given where i'm at it's a good option. I prefer the solitude of working at the farm, and it could be a good way to improve work ethic, discipline, responsibility etc. I've been in contact with a number of therapists. and i expect i'll be in therapy for the next few years as i sort out my mental problems. I'm going to speak to my doctor next week to get a referral to a psychiatrist, i'm hoping meds help balance me out and improve my mood. I have no desire to do anything and being in this low state for prolonged periods really sucks. The plan for now is to get on meds, stabilize my mood and energy levels so i can be functional. Then start working at the farm, and spend my time in therapy and trying to find ways to flourish and go after more in life. Being at home i see where my life is headed unless i can get out of here. I'm a child living in this house, and my parents will always baby me and maintain this co-dependent nightmare as long as I live. I'm lucky i have an out with the farm. The farm is an hour away from my parents house, and i should be able to move out and get a place near the farm outside the city. My mind feels a bit clearer today because i laid down for a few hours. There's less of the negative thought cycle, i expect that this is what the antidepressants will do to me. It will likely just slow me down by 20% or so or relax me by 20%. I think i'm much more messed up than I initially thought when i first started posting here. I always presented myself to the world in the best light I could, but deep down there were character flaws and parts of my personality that were dark that i never showed people. The co-dependence, the childishness, the toxic beliefs, etc all this stuff i kept under wraps. I wonder how therapy and meds will affect my perspective moving forward. I'm definitely in a woe is me mindset right now, and everything i write is clouded by negativity and depression. Right now life sucks and i'm unhappy, but hopefully it get betters soon. I've felt a strong urge to take LSD recently. I feel my head twisted like a knot, and this is the exact experience i've had on the few breakthrough experiences on LSD. There's like an inner pressure that is just waiting to be released inside my head, and i don't know how to undo it without LSD. I told ramaji i wouldn't do psychs so i won't do it, but dam i've been thinking about it a lot recently.

@Arcangelo I have an option but I think I need to move on. My mental state is a disaster, I'm just stuck in a cycle of negative thinking and feeling guilt and shame. Not sure how to resolve this, but I think I have to have faith something will come from this. If I go to back school, I'll likely do a 2 year diploma in some sort of computing program to ensure employment

On a positive side: I was depressed like this once before in my life. I was 19 and i was 2nd year college, and i realized i was going to be bald like my dad at young age and it destroyed me. I went from Straight A's to basically failing every class, and i would spend virtually all day everyday thinking about how much of a loser i am, how much of a loser i'm going to be, how my life is over, and i would constantly look in the mirror to see how my hairline looked. This lasted a full year. I came out of that depression when my dad yelled at me, and i reached a bottom. I realized how much of a loser i was and how i needed to make a change. I have no idea what actually accounted for the motivation, but whatever it was got my ass in gear. I took it 1 day at a time, and i did whatever it took to not be a loser. I was hitting the punching bag, i was doing act as if affirmations, i was inspecting childhood memories and beliefs about my self confidence, i was doing cold showers. I came out as the best version of myself i had ever been. I had so much energy, i had so much confidence, i changed how i looked in the mirror, i went from thinking i was ugly and seeing an ugly person in the mirror, to seeing a handsome good looking guy, it was an incredible shift in being. It took 2 weeks for that shift. 2 weeks to a brand new me, which started from rock bottom victim loser mentality. It was amazing how much reality changed in such a small amount of time. Everything was different about my life. It was like reality opened up, and i saw the world in a completely different light. I still had core issues, I didn't address everything, once i felt a lot better i kind of lost myself in enjoying this new state of being, and stopped with the relentless self improvement. One of the major insights was how subjective reality is. I went from belieiving that i was a depressed, miserable, loser who was balding, to basically viewing myself as incredibly, confident, good looking etc. It was funny too because after i came out feeling, even the way i looked at my hairline changed haha. I was convinced that i wasn't balding anymore . I was better at basketball, i woke up earlier with incredible energy, i was aggressively pushing my comfort zone is various aspects of life... It was an incredible time of my life. That gives me hope that i can transcend this stage of my life. I did it before, the potential exists within me to do it again. It's funny, in the midst of all this self pity and victim complex, i actually forgot that i was here before when i was 19. Almost the exact same spot tbh, no future, no hope, no prospects, it was hopeless. And boom 2 weeks later, i'm a different person.

I'm getting sick of my monologue posts, it's the same victim, self loathing story. I'd rather write more concisely about where i'm at. I'm a complete loser. I really thought i was ahead in law school. I thought i had a lot figured out. I was meditating for hours a day, i was posting here, i was getting enlightenment coaching, i learned/tried psychs. I was convinced that life was going in a good direction and i was on at least somewhat of a path. I realize now it was nonsense. I'm a complete loser. No discipline, no work ethic, no maturity, no prospects, no skills. As a worker i'm almost completely useless, i have no problem solving abilities. I really have no idea what i'm going to do. I have such petty concerns too. I'm ashamed of dropping out of law school and people viewing me as a failure/loser, but i was a loser before/during/ and now after law school. My insides are messed up. I have no foundation as a person. I have appointments set with therapist, psychiatrist, guru etc but i really don't know. I'm not a functional human being, i am literally a spoiled 12 year old in a 24 year old body. This is a mess. Fixing my life is going to be a process. I have no idea what i'm going to do career wise. Man do i regret dropping out of law school right now. I could have used the degree to get at least some stable job in the country, but now i don't have that. It's funny because i don't feel the misery. I'm just numb. I know in my mind how much of a loser I am, and how fucked this situation is. But i don't feel the negativity. I guess i still have faith that if one of these healing modalities let's me release suppressed emotions it can make a difference. Does having faith in the various healing modalities even make sense at this point? Am i just putting off the inevitable with therapy, rasa etc. I really want some of this stuff to work, but i have no idea. Spoiled brat had everything handed to him, and it ruined him. That's my story right now. Not even human, legitimate child with no core. I wish i could cry about this, but i only get a few tears. I can't believe i ever gave anyone advice on this forum. I know nothing about the real world, and how to improve stuff. Can't even help myself. What if none of this true, and my life will actually turn around very soon? Idk sounds like spiritual bypassing. I guess time will tell how this plays out. I wonder how i'd feel if i knew death was coming. Part of me thinks of it as a relief because then i can avoid responsiblity and burden of cleaning up the mess i've left for myself. But i bet i'd still be scared and ruined by impending death. Sometimes it doesn't feel real how wrong everything is right now. Just feels like a bad dream. At least i'm about to go bed and probably have some happy dreams.

@zeroISinfinity Yeah I agree, you really did bring it to the fore front and I think I need to be fully independent, the longer I'm in this state of helplessness the longer I'll suffer.

@zeroISinfinity It's difficult for you. Look around at other people on the forum, literally you are one of the only one's crying about how hard it is. So many people just seem happy, and like they are trying to help lost seekers. I know i have co-dependent relationship with my mother. The issue is i have no will or desire to change situation right now, literally just stuck in my head going round and round for weeks.

@zeroISinfinity I know, if i don't change this isn't going to get better. I'm going to be same loser, only add a few more years and take some hair off. I know i'm not wealthy. My core is broken, i'm a weak person it's bad. I have family money, but it means literally nothing. I'll be 55 and inherit millions, and still be a miserable child.

@zeroISinfinity Leo isn't even happy. The guy just blasts himself with DMT and sits alone in his house, he's way more developed than me but he has problems. I thought this stuff would help with development man. It's easier to develop and grow etc when you are happy, functional human being. Flow state occurs where difficulty= skills of person. I'm not saying i can avoid growing up and taking responsibility, i just thought that the teachings/path would show me why i lost joy of life as a kid, and why i'm so unhappy. Clear the debris of the psyche and go live life.

Yeah that's probably true. Have no desire to rent room and deal with shame of being a loser after so many people saw so much potential in me, but i think this is only next step if all else fails. Teaching in asia could be good for learning to be alone and survive in lesser conditions, but could also be trap of running away. Will have to see on that one.

@zeroISinfinity If like of adult man is like the life of 9 year old @Raptorsin7 then yes that's what i want. I want happiness. I've been told only real happiness is the happiness inherent to being, ala enlightenment. I don't want a fucking GF. i'm a miserable fuck. I don't want to drag a girl into this nonsense with me. Only girls i would attract right now are girls i wouldn't want to date. I want to sort myself out, get my life together, then find a nice girl who i respect and who will respect me. Girlfriend= source of love for many people= addiction to girlfriends to fill hole left by lack of love. It's call love addiction look it up. People go from relationship to relationship filling hole of unhappy life.

Who gives a fuck if you are only being in existence. It just means everyone is part of one being, and all are interconnected. It's not like @zeroISinfinity is only being, and @Raptorsin7 is some fake projection in only your mind. Video games are sweet. If this is all VR game for enjoyment then sweet sign me up. I'll play the game of love, joy, happiness, dreaming, memories, experiences. Problem is my lens/game just sucks right now, gotta figure out to how to change lens.

@zeroISinfinity That's not BS. To me enlightenment was happiness, and finally experiencing magic like quality to life i had when i was kid, and i have in my awesome dreams. That's it. Life is all about lens/perspective of each being. Two people look at mountain. One guy is crying tears of joy out of bewilderment of beauty. One guy is looking at the mountain and thinking why he doesn't feel anything when looking at awesome mountain. Literally all comes back to the lens of the person experiencing the reality. When i was a kid like 9 years old, i was actual efficient human. Good at sports, was good to classmates and teachers, willing to take risks and go outside my comfort zone etc. Then boom next year it was lost. I was insecure, shy, anxious, hated school, didn't get along with anyone. Then that's when i developed arrogance, narcissism, escape into mind etc. Continued pretty much until now. Had like 4 month period of genuine progress and growth after last depressive episode, that's when i realized how subjective reality is and how it all came down to beliefs and lens. I want happy life. I want stable gf i like. I want goals and responsibility to exist in the world. I don't give a fuck about god, enlightenment, duality/non duality, it's all nonsense to me i don't care at all. I just wanted to live happy life, and this was the best path i found to do it, or so i thought. Quote by joseph goldstein, meditation teacher, "When you aim for the highest happiness, all others come along the way". This is what i thought was coming.