Raptorsin7

When did you start working really hard? I'm not a hard worker at all What caused it for you? My mom was over involved because she wanted us to succeed, but it backfired. My dad is a hard worker, but he's emotionally a child and he didn't teach us anything about being a hard worker or being a man growing up.

I won't do it, i know myself. You were right when you said in 4 years nothing will change. I live in my comfort zone, and growth occurs outside the comfort zone. I'm like pavlolv's dog with learned helplessness, my parents treat me like i'm 5 years old and even though i'm miserable it's safe and comfortable so i accept it. I can see how this is going to play out, i'm going to spend years doing therapy, rasa, meds, psychs etc. I already made an appointment for 4 days a week psychoanalysis, but none of this stuff is going to make me change because it's comfortable. I'm going to go round and round for years trying to fix my mind, while staying attached at the hip to my mom and dad. I think i'm better than that. And right now i don't have to because my home is always open and free, i'm not going to take a mcdonalds job while living at home with this comfort it won't happen. I know i'm not, but i honestly think i'm better and special and somehow this will work out for me. It's delusional thinking, it's the thinking of a spoiled child who's had everything handed to him, so happiness and fulfillment will be handed to me as well. I don't think i can or will face them. I have no idea how to survive, if you left me alone in the world I believe i'd fail and die or get raped or something. I have 0 resourcefulness, confidence, ingenuity, problem solving etc? I'm pretty much useless outside of academic knowledge. I'm weak. There's physical requirements necessary to enter, and i'd fail them. Mentally i'm weak with exercise. People go through it when they're like 12 years old. My mind is so up and down. One minute i'm thinking i'm going to end up killing myself, then feeling better and thinking this stuff will work out for me. Look at how many of comments are the same thing over and over. I prefer the comfortable misery over whatever else is out there. I'm a complete child who's stuck in his head, i just stay in my tight bubble each and every day. It's not going to change while i'm here man, i'm way more likely to just commit suicide then get out of the house and survive alone, i'm fucked.

Co-dependence and not growing up have been plaguing my mind. This seems to be the core of my psychological suffering right now. I would be so ashamed of working at mcdonalds and telling people i know that i dropped out of law school to work minimum wage jobs and be a loser. But this is my situation. I think back to when i was in college and kids around me were working volunteering etc. I was focused on school and i thought i would be okay. I didn't think i was that far off from being a happy adult, but i'm not even close. I am so far behind other people my age in the basics of life it's terrible. I want to scream and throw a tantrum, that's my response. It's pathetic. I just looked up the military requirements. I wouldn't even pass the basic entrance requirements. I'm having a nervous breakdown but i can't let any of it out. Thinking back through school, virtually no kids were as weird as I was. I think defective humans like me will become more common in the future, but for now it's going to be rare. Oh my god. I'm defective. I really want to cry but i can't.

I had a dream I was at some complex and I was hanging out with some friends. I saw a friend from law school and he looked sad seeing me and tried to avoid seeing me. I then saw a bigger group of my classmates working on something and I was envious and tried to avoid them. The dream also included some sexual stuff about a friend from high schools mom and my brother which was weird. The regret and shame from dropping out is so much. It comes and goes, but when it comes it just lingers on my mind. That's not even the worst of it. I'm still codependen, a man child, and I dont have the will or desire to my radical changes necessary. I spoke to a psycho analyst, and his rate is 4 sessions per week at 200 dollars per session..Its insanely expensive. When I told my mom she said just do it, she just wants me to get better and not kill myself. But I honestly don't know if this will work, I spoke to him about the issue of codependence and he said moving out is an important step but I have virtually no prospects and no job experience ? pretty much sums it up. I just have this blank stare most days.

@zeroISinfinity is probably right about co-dependence. My parents treat me like a child, and i act like a child so we both satisfy our roles. My inability to take responsibility, immaturity, childishness, poor dating skills, poor social skills etc all this stuff comes from being a child on the inside. I look like a man, but inside i act and feel like a scared kid. My dad looks at me like a little kid, but I think he will let me work with him at the farm. But is this going to solve the issue? I don't know. Part of me thinks this is just another way to remain co-dependent, i will still be little kid with his dad at work. 24 year old child working with daddy. It sounds grown up, oh i'm going to work at the farm and be a farmer. Great fantasy in my mind about this work for sure. But would i just be same old kid just doing chores at the farm. Right now when i work there it's not even real work, me and my brother just drive berries to the cannery and sit around waiting for the rows to be cleared by the machine. Today i did more work than usual and it's just terrible, i'm phyiscally and mentally weak and i struggle with basic physical tasks. But on the other hand. I could learn how to actually farm, and develop skills necessary to be a good farmer. If therapy, meds, RASA, energy healing etc if any of that stuff has positive effect, then it could improve my energy, character, mindset etc that will allow me to work harder and be a better employee at the farm. My dad looks at me like a child, but if i work hard and focus on doing well, then i could earn his respect and be viewed as a good worker. I could actually earn my salary, and develop as a person working on the farm. But it feels like avoidance. Like if my dad says you can work at the farm, but i'm not getting real wage and i'm staying at home then i don't know what else to do. Obvious answer is just get job at mcdonalds or a warehouse and work tons of hours to move out, but i just won't do it. I know myself, I literally would do anything to avoid working shit job to survive. I'm entitled, arrogant, child, with false self image, i won't/can't do it. Sad thing is that suicide is easier than being forced to work low end jobs to survive, that's how pathetic of a person I am, i might be more likely to commit suicide then take responsibility for my life and do what's necessary to break co-dependence. Ha, i had so much hope that my life would turn around from this place and the path. I can fantasize so easily about the good life, where i'm happy and life is good. I got the truth about myself though no doubt. This stuff coming out now has been there my whole life, it's the dark side of who I am. My problems are a complete joke compared to the world too. People in Hong Kong are getting put in jail for life for standing up for their future civilization, and i'm crying about dropping out of law school, getting a job, and being a miserable spoiled man child. I always wanted to be a great person, like Keira Yammato. I wanted to be smart, disciplined, impressive, creative, capable, excellent, talented, impactful. Growing up i always wanted that, i always thought that was coming for me. I actually tasted it once before after my last depressive episode, there were a few weeks there where i felt genuinely self actualized and fully capable and powerful. The truth is that it may not happen for me in this life. I may be like this for the rest of my life. This may be it for me. I wonder what people reading think haha, this has to be the most pathetic journal on the forum hands down. Most of them must know that there's nothing they can say that will help me. Learned helplessness and victim mindset is an inside job, if the person isn't actively trying to improve and change their stars than there's nothing that can be done. I've been walloing in the abyss of my own misery for months now, don't see it changing anytime soon.

@zeroISinfinity I'm hoping to get that from working on the farm. I can rent a place pretty close and work there full time, and use free time to address the issues of the mind. I can get a salary, and start fresh in the city near the farm. If i work full time at the farm at least i have a real job, and can develop some independence to find a girlfriend and live in the community. I think i'm going to do a 12 step program too. My biggest co-dependence is with my mom. She's the one who did everything growing up, i think that's where my weakness comes from because i never had to do anything, everywhere was taken care of. My dad will give me a salary after like a year of working, and then it's up to me to not go to parents for anything. Farm work is pretty good, complete isolation.

I've reached out to a psycho-analyst today hopefully he has time to see me. So the hope for my life in the near future (next few years) is to work full time at the farm, move out and start supporting myself (but even supporting myself is going to be with family money so idk if this counts), and just go to therapy, maybe 12 step meetings, and try and sort my head out and find a path to happiness. This feels like a bad dream and i really just want to wake up. I want to just move to the middle of no where and i want everyone to forget i exist. I feel worthless and ashamed. I actually don't think i feel this stuff. I'm just thinking about how worthless I feel. I fee just a tension/constriction and then various thoughts just produce different subtle feelings, like shame, regret, worthlessness.

@Arcangelo I don't think going back will solve anything. I'm also ashamed to go back. Yeah shame is a big part of my identity too. Law school is done for me, but I the loathing, regret, shame will probably be around for a while

Still stuck at constant low, depressed state. Constant thoughts about re-current topics. Regret and longing about the law school experience and dropping out. Worry that i'll be stuck in this limbo state for the rest of my life. Shame and embarrassment about seeing people in the world, and admitting to my failures and inadequacies. Worry that i'll be a man child for ever, shame around being a man child right now. I have had a few dreams this week about law school, and they have been a constant them of regret about dropping out, and a desire to experience the fullness of what could have been offered by the experience. I want to bury my head in the sand and just retreat from society, it's basically what i'm doing now tbh. My life and my mind have become completely toxic. My days are pretty much the same, wake up lay in bed and feel comfort and feel shame/regert over how my life is, then i go to the farm and do minimal work and just read my book or listen to podcasts, and i've been a lot of junk food and i'm pretty sure i'm type 2 diabetic right now because i feel tingling in my feet, and then i come home and just go right to bed. The shadow of entitlement, intimacy issues, dependence, being stuck in my comfort zone, arrogance, poor discipline, irresponsibility are coming out. I have no idea how this is going to get better. A guy in my law school said i'm the laziest person he ever met, he was right. I'm pretty sure I have boarder line personality disorder. When i was talking to my mom about getting a job, i almost got insanely mad because she was disagreeing with me. My mom does everything for me, and i'm completely ungrateful and i'm still a spoiled brat. You would think with my life being so shit and me being aware of it that i would be humbled, but i'm not. I'm still entitled and spoiled. These problems are so deeply rooted. How is RASA, energy healing, therapy, psychiatraic meds, psychidelics etc how does that solve this? But all these problems are due to emotional repression? Lol that's what I think, i'm just hoping for a miracle. I always thought things would work out, i always believed that my life would work out. For some people life doesn't work out, there are millions if not billions of people in the world and their lives will not work out and life just goes on with or without people being happy. This is the first time in my life i've had genuine suicidal thoughts. I've heard suicide is the cowards way out, and i think there's truth to it. It's easier to commit suicide then suffer and deal with the pain and resistance of changing. My parents try and they love me, but i ended up rotten. The other day i was thinking how much a relief it would be if my dad and uncle died so i could inherit the money and just buy a house somewhere in the middle of no where and just retire and live out my days. My parents gave me every chance to succeed and this is how I think about them. This is dark. And it's not even that dark because it's all created inside my delusional mind. I don't even know how you deal with this. 10 years of therapy? Mushroom trips every week?

@Zigzag Idiot Thanks I appreciate the words. Do you have any thoughts on moving past these emotions? I think i have a completely toxic relationship with my emotions and i don't express or process emotions in a healthy way. I don't how much to blame my emotional disregulation on my current problems in life, but i'm tempted to say a lot. I'm trying a lot at this point to work through this and become better, but idk there's a lot fucked up here and i'm honestly scared of the future and just what's in store for life.

I feel hopeless, and it's entirely self created and self reinforced. I'm miserable because I see the trajectory i'm going down,(man child, entitled, spoiled, can't keep a job, work a shitty job, shame,) and i don't even have a will to change it. I know i need a normal job and i have to suck it up and move out and take the shame on the chin of being a drop out loser working a minimum wage job, but i don't want to do it. I want to change, but i don't want to suffer the necessary requirements too change. I'm fucked. I don't think this will get better. I'm so fucking spoiled, entitled, ashamed, anti social,. I feel like an inferior human being. I didn't see any of this coming, even though in hindsight now i can see how many life patterns have led me here i really thought i'd figure it out at some point, either in law school, after law school idk. I am so disconnected from what's actually going on in the world and with other people, i lived in my own fantasy land of my head, and now i'm reaping what was sown. I really wish i didn't drop out of law school now, it was such an insanely stupid decision. Right now i have 0 career prospects, I have to look for a random minimum wage job to support myself. At least if i finished law school i could use the degree to work for the government, or find some employment or something. I was completely self destructive. I am a disturbed person, and this is not going to end well the way it's going. Spoiled, entitled. bratty adult children do not end up well, and this is textbook. I've never been suicidal really in my life, but recently it's the closest i'm come to genuine suicidal thoughts. There really does feel like there's no point, and i'm so sensitive and fragile any negative or shameful thoughts it just sends me into a tailspin. It's not even real hardship either. This stuff is all a complete joke. No one would look at this and be like this guy's struggling, this is all narcissism, entitlement, fake problems. Man it feels like i'm in a weird nightmare, but it's not really a nightmare because my life isn't that bad, but i'm so sick of this stuff. All my hopes are basically with prozac/lithium/wellbutrin. That's it, that's my best shot is a cocktail of antidepressants. I have no idea if it will work, do the drugs cure entitlement, narcissism, fear, shame, inability to take responsibility and action? I don't think they do that but i have nothing else.

So i've had this issue of dealing with a blockage in my head for a while now. There's a pressure/knot in my head, and i've been looking for ways to release it and I think found something. I've released the pressure in a significant way on LSD, and it produced the greatest experience of my life, where i felt relaxed and tension free for the first time in a long time. Today i start forcefully flexing my head, like i'm in an intense sob where you are just deep into the sensations of the head, and i've felt a sort of unwinding of the tension slowly. When i hold and flex really hard, it feels like i'm going to pop a blood vessel or something (just an expression i don't actually know what will happen), and i end up feeling lightheaded and my heart races pretty fast after holding it. Has anyone experienced anything similar? Is there a chance i can damage myself by trying to forcefully contract the muscles in my head so the pressure releases? Does anyone have any experience releasing this kind of tension?

@AlphaAbundance Dude i just googled the exercise, and it feels psychedelic when i pressure my head. It's kinda freaky, i've never even really got this with LSD. I'm getting visuals, and i had moments of being gone.

Does anyone have any insights into using psychedelics for treating depression? I am planning on reading the current studies available, but having first hand accounts is probably better. I've had a handful of LSD trips, and a few trips felt like emotional breakthroughs and provided a sort of reset, but i've done 1 trip in the past 4 months and i've lost all momentum of previous trips. I do fear i'm going to fall into a trap of just repeatedly taking psychedelics trying to fix myself only to realize little progress, or make some progress and end up back at square 1 like what has happened to me this year. But i've had experiences with psychs that showed me glimpses of possible therapeutic effects of these drugs in forming habits and providing a reset from a rut. I'd say my biggest issue is emotional suppression and just an inability to relax and let go. There have been a few times on LSD where i was able to just relax and let go, but i've only gotten close to a full on cry/emotional release once and that was the day after a breakthrough trip. Also, what role can psychs play in addressing personality/character flaws? I have issues with responsibility, maturity, arrogance, self obsession, etc and i want to uproot this stuff and grow into a more mature, self sufficient human. I'm planning on see a psychotherapist multiple times a week for the near future so i'm hoping this works out, but i don't want to fall into the trap of spending years in therapy going round in a circle, only to make marginal progress in improving myself.

I don't even know how to describe my current feelings. There's just a flat, empty feeling. It feels hopeless, i really have no idea what to do. Note: I want to purpose, drive, and a reason to live and thrive. But i'm stuck just ruminating and going in circles in my mind. I'm such a fuck up. Dropping out the way i did it was so fucking stupid, it was a classic immature, irresponsible, idiot move. My main hope is anti depressants, i feel like that's a flimsy fucking thing to put hope into. I'm basically using anti depressants the way i'm using enlightenment. Putting my hopes and dreams in something external that will fulfill me, and finally allow me to get my life going. I really hope i can get out of this and start a new chapter of my life that is happy and positive. But it feels hopeless right now, and i see no signs of things turning around soon. I feel like i'm getting what i deserve too, so many years of being an immature idiot who didn't take responsiblity, now it's coming back around and i'm paying the price.

What do you think the ceremony would do? My fear would be that i'd have this incredible experience, and then come back to my life and just fall back into the same ruts and habits.

@bejapuskas I would prefer to trip alone, but if psych meds don't work for me then i'm going to find a therapist who's comfortable with me doing psychs so i have some accountability around the trips. I'm at such a low though, i don't know what else to really do. I would also need to do psychs regularly to maintain progress. I've had amazing psych trips that i thought would transform my life etc, but in hindsight one trip wasn't enough and the mistake was in not keeping up continual trips.

@Arcangelo Congrats on the A- Arc.

@bejapuskas I'm going to go with therapy and psychiatry for the near term, but if those don't work then psychs are the next line. I'm a mess, but I don't know what else to do. The psychs have showed promise before, and I cant ignore anything that can work I have pent up emotion and tension that I can't let out. I can literally feel the tension and pressure in my head. The psychs have let me release the pressure before, and the closest I've come to a full on cry was after a break through trip.

I feel inferior looking at the Instagram of a girl I went out with a few times. I envy her and the kind of person she is. She was so well adjusted, kind, aware, and smart, and grown up/responsible. I want what she has, but I don't know how to not feel defective and feel right. Note: It bothers me because she is a good girl, a solid stage yellow international student. She is a self actualized human imo, and I just didn't live up. I think she sensed I was kind of lazy, entitled, immature, and that I wasn't a good catch and she was right. I've felt this inferiority about certain people my whole life. Part of it is my race, I've always had an inferiority complex about being Indian. I also feel inferior about the kind of person I am, and the life I live. I'm as smart as anyone in a good university, but I lack the character. Some people at college were volunteering, going to parties, planning their future etc. I didn't do any of that stuff, and I feel inferior looking at people now who did.

@Javfly33 Yeah i agree that more frequent trips would likely serve me better to untangle my mind. I'm going to try conventional psychiatric meds first and see how I feel, i've read some reports by people about the profound effect of normal psych meds, and it may be enough to get my life moving in a different direction.

Last time i was depressed, when i was 19, i was hopeless and whiny etc like I am now. But through random practices i did then i reached a point where the fog of depression was lifted, and i had real momentum with life. Increased energy, confidence, will power. Life was so much better, and it was much easier to function. It was like i was a different person. I just want to learn how to feel better, like i did last time and live from a place of well being, as opposed to living from this depressed place. I bet moving out, working 9-5, working on a business etc are all much more doable when i'm not miserable, hopeless, depressed etc. Something has to work. Psychs, therapy, antidepressants, RASA, idk what else but there has to be something that can get me right. You said you had a friend like me, but did he ever try to change his circumstance? Did he want to be different? No way i'll be here in 4 years, i can find a way.

@Nahm I'm going to try psychiatric meds first but I think mushrooms will be the next thing i try if meds don't provide relief. I do think i need some kind of intervention to make my mind more manageable (I know you're going to say i don't need anything, and nothing is wrong haha) but the anxiousness/tension has really only been released through drugs. I think it's possible psych meds can take the edge off to a degree that all this other advice will make more sense, and will be easier to apply. How much of this is beliefs vs emotions being locked in the body unable to be let out? My guess is when you're relaxed, and have purged out lots emotions and the body is less contracted then it's a lot easier to notice beliefs and be able to pick perspectives and control the mind in a way that's more conducive to well being and happiness. I talked to a therapist recently and she told me her approach is mostly focused on emotions, and how she believes emotions get stored in the body and people carry around stuff without even noticing. I do wonder how much i would be thinking about all this stuff, if i just felt relaxed, energized, light, free etc. I'm hoping this is where meds/psychs can be most effective. Loosen me up a bit so i'm more ammenable to express and release the emotions.

@Arcangelo I appreciate the advice, but I don't want to be a kidult... I want to become a mature, self actualizing human being. I'm planning on doing some solo travelling when the air ports open up again, and I'm going to do a solo retreat towards the end of summer. Did you ever try therapy or meds? Why do you think you're so fucked? There's a lot I haven't tried before I'm ready to throw in the towel... but even if I got all my inheritance tomorrow and lived care free, I think I would still be miserable.

I feel tense. When i bring attention to how i feel, the first thing i notice is the tension/pressure in my head. I feel lethargic and heavy. Note: My mood is very unstable. Sometimes i feel okay and can think clearly about what i want to do next, and how i can overcome this stage of my life. Then other times i just feel so much regret, doubt, lethargy that i feel like i can't even function properly. I am seeking comfort at every turn throughout the day and it's killing me i know it. Facing fears and getting uncomfortable is the name of the game of growing I think, and i am doing the complete opposite and it's just adding to the depression.