Raptorsin7

@zeroISinfinity Virgo

@Zigzag Idiot Thanks for the kind words. Suicidal thoughts have been increasing over the past few days. Not sure if it's related to the lamotrigine, i'm still at a very low dosage, but it's something that concerns me. I found myself looking at a chandelier in my house while trying to do some yoga, and then I thought about hanging myself from it. The thoughts usually come as a sign of me giving up. Like when I think of my classmates and friends succeeding in life, and compare it to where i'm at in life, thoughts of suicide arise as a sort of solution to the problem. No mind/no self no problem i guess. I have started isolating myself more and more, and my family is getting more concerned and worried. In the short term, over the next month or so, i don't see too much changing. The meds won't start working for a month, and it feels like i'm mentally paralyzed. I feel like a helpless child. I have to make a change. There's a meditation retreat that offers retreats for up to 3 months, but i don't know if i could do a retreat in my current state. And i've read that retreats are hesitant to offer spots to people with mental health disorders, and given my recent diagnosis they would be right to be skeptical about me taking part in a retreat. I have a tendency to engage in splitting. I view the world in black and white terms. So when I think about taking steps forward in life, i thinik of other people who i view as successful and good, and i realize that i'm not going to be one of those people so what's the point of trying. There are adults at 24, who are responsible, pay bills, work, have deep relationships etc. And i'm basically 12. And because i don't see a path to being a well-adjusted 24 year old, i keep myself paralyzed. I wonder what my life will be like in 5, 10, 15 years. Past predicts future, and i've struggled with the same issues for years now. Even if i manage to improve and feel better, i've had 2 mental breakdowns now in my life, this may become a trend. Every few years just a complete breakdown. I wonder if after this life is over, i'll be able to live another life with all the experiences i have now from this one. So i have a taste of misery now, and maybe my next life i'll come back as a well-adjusted happy human being. Or some other race of beings who knows.

Mental breakdowns are sad. I take out so much on my parents, they are doing everything in their power to help me but i get some sick satisfaction out of displaying my misery to them, and blaming them for my upbringing. I'm having some self harming/suicidal thoughts, but i wonder how long it would take to develop to actual planning and serious thoughts/attempts. I lack empathy for other people, and i have whatever causes a person to develop a personality disorder. I believe the core is lack of self love, and being myself. I don't feel love for anyone or anything, and i'm assuming that well adjusted people in the world, are that way because of the love they feel for themselves and others. My psychoanalyst warned me about wanting a quick fix, but is the desire to be my true self, the goodness and love, is that a quick fix... idk. I just feel stuck, and even making a tiny move seems pointless, but that's what keeping me stuck. I want to be other than what i am right now. I feel like a weirdo having a mental breakdown, i feel like on this forum especially i'm the most fucked up. I want to be a well-adjusted, happy guy. But the gap between where i want to be, and where i am seems insurmountable. I still feel these sensations in my head, maybe that's the key to this. Relax the sensations, release emotions, and feel good as myself. That's my deep hope to be honest. My hope is that it's that simple. Relax the head, cry and release a lot emotions, and then feel good and take on life in a different direction. Just looking at it, it sounds delusional. Millions of people suffering from illness, and all i gotta do to make it is relax my head.

I feel the insides of my cheek and sensations in my forehead. I feel a sense of grief and sadness, i can sort of bring out a subtle feeling of sadness when i just bring attention to how I feel. But it never lasts long enough for a full emotional release. Note: I'm stuck in a rut of negative thoughts throughout the day, and i'm making virtually no progress in life at the moment. I'm going to start meditating again, and the goal is to practice immediately after waking up. Throughout this entire depressive period of my life, i've yet to wake up and immediately meditate so let's hope that makes a difference.

@Zigzag Idiot Reading these articles has made me re-consider my decision to get on meds to be honest. But i also wonder if what i'm going through is really a kundalini awakening, or is this just depression resulting from me growing up in a way that made me lazy, entitled, spoiled, narcissistic, and lacking of resilience. I definitely feel some energy and unique sensations in my spine when i meditate, but it's pretty subtle. And this odd sensation in my face that i feel deeply has grown in recent months, but i really don't know what to make of this stuff. The book listed a number of practices to engage in to facilitate the awakening, and I am not engaging in any of those. Meditation is about the only practice that i don't feel resistance to starting and that i'm willing to pick up again, but the idea of raw food diet, daily yoga, etc just seems so far off from where i'm at. I do feel like meds are not a solution to my problems here. At best i was hoping they could be used to bring up my mood, so that the above practices etc would be easier to undertake and i would become more functional. But if the meds would prevent the meditation etc from working and allowing me to transition into another phase of life/being then i'd be worried.

I got diagnosed with Bipolar type 2 by my psychiatrist. I explained my ups and downs over the past few years, and he was pretty confident in diagnosing me. He told me it's a life long medical illness, and i got prescribed a mood stabilizer, lamotrigine. He was pretty adamant that the highs, and grandiose ideas like my website, were indicators of the illness but i think he overemphasized the biological portion of the illness. I obviously have issues, and I think i was on a high, triggered by my "breakthrough" psychedelic trip, but my highs and lows really aren't that bad, i'm just a weak and undisciplined person who failed to manage himself and so things got out of hand. I feel like so much of what's wrong in my life is related to character, personality, ego etc and i highly doubt that popping some pills will solve my problems and make everything better. But given that i'm basically having a mental breakdown now it couldn't hurt to try meds and see how I feel. Ideally i could stay on meds for the near future until i get my life together, and then once my life is in a good place i could wean myself off. If i can grow up and mature, my highs are very manageable and could be an asset in something i pursue in the future. The vipassana retreats near me are opening up so that's a positive development. The closest one i can do is in October which is pretty far away, but at least i'll be able to be on meds for a bit before i sign up. I know that they ask about mental history and i'm hoping that i'm not turned away because of the diagnosis. My symptoms and condition are pretty mild, and given the fact i've spent multiple hours in silence in float tanks before i hope they don't see it as a problem. If the retreat goes well then maybe i can do retreats frequently for the near future while i try to get my life together. I basically have all the time in the world, and I could do 10 day retreats almost every month. I guess it's a spiritual bypass of my life's problems, but i think if i really learn to meditate and stabilize attention it could make it easier to get things sorted out in my life. I'm lost and i've withdrawn socially, but i hope that things get better. Thing is though, i don't want to take action or responsibility. I'm comfortable just going through the motions, and i don't think anything will change as long as i'm like this. But i don't see this changing anytime soon. I might end up being like 45 and just living off my parents, not taking responsibility, being a deadbeat etc. As sad as that would be, it's equally sad that i'm like this at 24 and I have no drive or motor to change things. If i don't change then hopefully something kills me in the process. I've had suicidal thoughts recently, but nothing i'd consider serious. I don't know if i'm the kind of person who could actually follow through on an attempt, but the way i'm living is a complete disaster and i'd rather god end this life early if this is what it's going to be.

@ardacigin How long did it take you to reach this place? Do you think this level of attention and equanimity can be reached through just long hours of meditation, or do you think what's going on in a person's life like relationships, career, maturity etc could impact their ability to achieve this state? Achieving stable equanimity and joy throughout the day sounds like a blessing, and if you could do that virtually all day that's incredible, but i wonder if your ability to achieve that is based on the fact that you are at a certain level developmentally, like the fact you managed to start a successful business.

@Zigzag Idiot That's a great insight . My mind is always in the solve the problem mode, i don't even know what it would feel like to just accept and give the fight. Hopefully that comes. On another note: i got my blood work back and i don't have type 2 diabetes. My results indicate that i'm at the low end of pre-diabetes so the hope is that i get myself sorted out and i make lifestyle changes that will serve me for the rest of this life time. I have some odd heart stuff that needs to be looked at, but at least there's nothing major that came up. I wonder how much of the feelings in my feet are psychosomatic and me overreacting to subtle changes in feeling. It's also possible that pre-diabtetes can have an effect on nerves and blood vessels so it's worth watching out for.

@Zigzag Idiot You are more than welcome to post, I appreciate your insights. I thought I cured my self hatred before too. I was in a similar depressed state and I did some self acceptance work and felt a lot better and thought I had made a permanent breakthrough. I struggle a lot with acceptance. I struggle and resist with everything, I wish I was the kind of person who could go with the flow. Do you ever get sick of the process? It sounds like you've been on the this road a long time. I've been looking that for something that i envy in other people. It's like people have these lives that I just want to take or be brought into. I'm not even that old but just the idea of continuing to live in state of longing for more, and getting glimpses of better in my dreams, it's just starting to weigh on me. Life is short, and I'm supposedly in the prime of my life and its just so much worse than I ever imagined my life to be.

I had an appointment with the analyst today. He made a few interesting points that stuck with me: First, he told me that my situation is very fortunate, and how the fact that i have such a supportive family is something to feel good about and be thankful for. But i asked him why i don't feel that and i just feel bad about all this and he told me he thinks it's because i hate myself and i hate my parents because i blame them for their part in making me a person that i myself hate. I agree with this point, but i don't know how to stop hating myself. I know i feel bad, but i'm not actively aware of how much i hate myself or where the self hatred exists in my direct experience. I Second, he told me he was concerned because it sounded like i expect some quick fix or miracle pill with the analysis. He said it takes time, and the process is more like watching grass grow than some movie scene where there's a cathartic experience and then love and happiness etc. He also said he's worried that if i don't see results early in the process i'm going to just quit. He made good points, and i am an impatient person who wants results fast. But i think i've learned from past mistakes that i need to commit long term to some form of therapy if i'm going to make substantial changes. I think i might be strapping in for the long haul here with all these therapies and rasa etc. I'm worried about my health too, i'm almost certaintly type 2 diabetic and my feet feel cold and weird now. I think my blood glucose is just insanley high from years of terrible diet and now i'm really feeling it. I'm going to get bloodwork done and get on meds to control it. If i can get right over these next few years then at least the rest of my life to enjoy and be a real person. But i'm concerned because i'm pretty miserable right now, and i don't know what i'm going to do for these next few years. Just sitting in my room and doing nothing isn't going to be sustainable i don't think and i'm ashamed and embarassed to even like leave my house.

@Nahm I feel like i'm doing terrible haha. Basically hoping for a miracle, but i'm doing virtually nothing other than reading, and mind and body are deteriorating. And i'm a stubborn person so it's not like i'm flexible to change all of a sudden. Maybe i'll wake up one day and poof i'm a different person.

Yeah i mean my dream is to be a strong person like David Goggins who can work hard and suffer and thrive. I want to be able to push myself, grind, accept the pain and just get through it. But i know the state i'm in and my current mindset, i'd quit. I'm not that guy, i'm the opposite of that guy right now. Not sure if i'll ever be that guy given how things are going right now but you never know things could change. Haven't checked it out yet but i'll take a look soon, i have some psychoanalysis books i'm reading right now. I definitely feel the resistance to the truth, or whatever this tense feeling of the moment is. I guess it makes sense that anger is a perspective, like how my depression is based on the perspectives i'm holding.

@Consilience I've tried holotropic breathing a few times but i always give up before getting anywhere near emotional release. It's similar to when i run, once things get a bit uncomfortable i just give up and stop. Maybe that's something to discuss with the analyst haha

@kag101 The analyst I'm working with has a PhD in psychology, and he said he works as a child and adolescent psychologist. I've only had 2 sessions so far and the last one was really good. I felt some emotions come up that don't usually come up, and I felt like I gave him a good picture what I'm struggling with. I'm excited to engage in the process. I've read some of the psychoanalytic literature and theres potential here. The analyst brought up good points after the session too, he mentioned low self esteem and developmental issues which are things I've been thinking about as well. I definitely have symptoms of depression like poor energy, hopelessness etc and I'm going to see a psychiatrist on the 18th to get on meds. But I am more optimistic about the analysis long term than meds. Theres a track record of psychological neuroses through my life, like the way I was raised, and the way I judge the world and myself, that I think plays a big role in my depression. But if the meds work and improve my mood, I'm not getting off them unless the circumstances of my life are drastically different.

I smoked weed yesterday for the first time in a few months with a friend and it was in interesting experience. I realized that i don't like spending time with my friend, as i didn't feel i was able to emotionally open up to him and i didn't trust him to honor our conversation. Most of my friends are emotionally closed off, so am I, so in any given conversation or interaction i don't feel like I really connect meaningfully with the person. I also just felt bad and like a complete loser just hanging out at the park. I became aware of how distorted my social circle is, and just the way I live my life is not good. I got some glimpse into how distorted my perspective on life is, and how the lens through which I see the world is playing a big role in my unhappiness. I'm directionless, i have so sense of purpose or goals, and i'm insecure and feel bad about myself. Obviously this stuff needs to change, but i'm terrified of even taking any steps. The only thing i want to do is isolate myself, and recede from society. I'm becoming one of those weird kids that was spoiled as a kid and now can't function as an adult. The thing is i don't feel any of this stuff. My life is so terrible and wrong, but it doesn't feel like that. I also became aware of how much i hate myself. I know if i was observing myself as just an ordinary person, I would hate myself and judge myself extremely harshly. I'm not actively saying to myself how much i hate myself, but it has to be there operating below the surface. I have a lot riding on my psychoanalysis. I can't imagine that's a good sign, but i really hope something good and trans formative comes from this experience.

You have emotional issues stemming from your relationship with your parents. You have probably have history of relationships with similar patterns repeating of how you treat girl, type of girl, cheating, intimacy etc. All "life" problems stem from relationship issues which originated with your parents. You always say how parents did evil stuff you don't want to talk about etc, isn't that egoic BS? You and I both have "Mental" problems. Kinda fucked up that i see you(and me) spending like 5 plus hours per day on forum. My problems are more childish, but problems are problems. Maybe psychoanalysis could help you who knows. I'm not working with winter soilder i just had 1 call with him, didn't think it would be so easy. Yeah there are levels too awakening i think Nahm is higher too. But you still think Leo is awakened, i'm pretty sure winterknight is beyond Leo, and go read his thread and what he said about Leo, it wasn't pretty.

@zeroISinfinity I told him i thought i was bipolar, but he said he thinks i'm not. He said i have problems with low self esteem, and psychological development problems. 4 days per week, 200 dollars per session. So like $40 000 per year. Ouch... but agreed. I am unhappy and dissatisfied, and i got nothing better to do than try and solve this. Also look at how i treated Nahm, and issues with responsibility etc. And the fact that i'm here on this forum in the first place. If nothing was wrong, i wouldn't be here right? I'd be out living not worrying about "enlightenment" and trying to get therapy. I have weird problems you get when your family has too much money, and kids are spoiled and weak and parents just let them indulge in fantasies. I can't because of Covid but when it's over i will likely go travel. I think solo travel would serve me well, teach me some independence and resilience. You know how i spoke too today @zeroISinfinity? Good old @winterknight. I looked him up and had a call. He was the one who recommended that seekers get psychoanalysis to sort of emotional problems that prevent seekers from progressing on the path. I read your exchanges with @winterknight too. I may be full of shit pussy, but he is not. He is smart af and spiritually wise. I'm rolling with my boy winter. Maybe you need an analyst too, you and i both know you got fucked up psyche as well.

@kag101 I'm starting to speak with a psychoanalyst multiple times per week as well. He was skeptical about getting me on meds, and talked to about potential developmental issues, low self esteem etc. I think prozac will work well for me to help relax and reduce anxiety, but i'm also skeptical that my problems are as simple as a chemical fix. In either case i'm happy to be getting off the spiritual bypass train, and try some alternative methods to try and help me.

@Elisabeth I did yoga for like 5 months consistently, but i never managed to go deep enough to the point where emotions were being surfaced. I tried holo breathing a few times, but i don't have the will to push through and breathe deeply. I get distracted and am unwilling to go deeper into the breathing after like 5 deep breaths so i never got to a point of deep release.

Okay i just spoke to a psychoanalyst and i felt good after the session. I got a lot out of mind my mind in that session and the analyst seemed very optimistic about working with me, and the potential for growth. He also expressed concern about getting me on meds and labeling my condition bipolar so early on, and had a very holistic approach to my condition. I felt some emotions come up during the session, and i feel a bit energized after the session. I feel optimistic after talking to the analyst, i was unsure about him at first, and i was actually worried that he'd say he couldn't help and i'd have to look somewhere else. That went better than i could have hoped for, and the fact that it is 4 days a week is pretty awesome.

@lostmedstudent

@kag101 I'm going to see a psychiatrist and I'm going to get on meds... but I do think there is more to depression than a chemical imbalance. The depression is only one part of the problem in my life. I have a track record now of fucking up and character issues that I want to understand and address. Meds I hope will be useful but I have more personality stuff going on that i think is rooted in emotional issues.

@bejapuskas I've read different theories on depression, and given the way I told tension in my head I'm almost certain there are repressed emotions at play for me. I don't know why I'm hiding them. Likely they were repressed based on my parents response to my emotions growing up, and maybe living with them now is continuing that. But I've lived on my own and still has the same depression so idk

@lostmedstudent Thanks. But i really am a fuck up here. I am envious of you tbh, you are responsible. You went to med school, you are supporting yourself and now you are trying to self actualize and find happiness with a stable base of life. I did the opposite. I was completely dependent on my parents for everything, i've only worked 1 job for 1 summer in my life, and now i'm 24 with no prospects. And i'm completely toxic for employees or other school options. I didn't even finish my exams so i have a bunch of N's on my transcript, and i failed a semester from depression in the past two. I'm going to become hikkimori at the rate i'm going and i'm terrified.

https://www.rtor.org/2017/04/11/failure-to-launch-part-2/ This describes me, and I have no motivation to actually fix this. I feel stuck, and I don't know what i'm going to do about fixing this. I'm like worse than most people describe in these articles, i'm completely useless and I don't do anything productive or useful. I even looked at teaching in Japan as a way to reset, i wouldn't even qualify that's how much of a loser i am. I wouldn't get any references and they'd see my school history and if i'm on meds and for sure they wouldn't let me do it.