Raptorsin7

@Zigzag Idiot You are more than welcome to post, I appreciate your insights. I thought I cured my self hatred before too. I was in a similar depressed state and I did some self acceptance work and felt a lot better and thought I had made a permanent breakthrough. I struggle a lot with acceptance. I struggle and resist with everything, I wish I was the kind of person who could go with the flow. Do you ever get sick of the process? It sounds like you've been on the this road a long time. I've been looking that for something that i envy in other people. It's like people have these lives that I just want to take or be brought into. I'm not even that old but just the idea of continuing to live in state of longing for more, and getting glimpses of better in my dreams, it's just starting to weigh on me. Life is short, and I'm supposedly in the prime of my life and its just so much worse than I ever imagined my life to be.

I had an appointment with the analyst today. He made a few interesting points that stuck with me: First, he told me that my situation is very fortunate, and how the fact that i have such a supportive family is something to feel good about and be thankful for. But i asked him why i don't feel that and i just feel bad about all this and he told me he thinks it's because i hate myself and i hate my parents because i blame them for their part in making me a person that i myself hate. I agree with this point, but i don't know how to stop hating myself. I know i feel bad, but i'm not actively aware of how much i hate myself or where the self hatred exists in my direct experience. I Second, he told me he was concerned because it sounded like i expect some quick fix or miracle pill with the analysis. He said it takes time, and the process is more like watching grass grow than some movie scene where there's a cathartic experience and then love and happiness etc. He also said he's worried that if i don't see results early in the process i'm going to just quit. He made good points, and i am an impatient person who wants results fast. But i think i've learned from past mistakes that i need to commit long term to some form of therapy if i'm going to make substantial changes. I think i might be strapping in for the long haul here with all these therapies and rasa etc. I'm worried about my health too, i'm almost certaintly type 2 diabetic and my feet feel cold and weird now. I think my blood glucose is just insanley high from years of terrible diet and now i'm really feeling it. I'm going to get bloodwork done and get on meds to control it. If i can get right over these next few years then at least the rest of my life to enjoy and be a real person. But i'm concerned because i'm pretty miserable right now, and i don't know what i'm going to do for these next few years. Just sitting in my room and doing nothing isn't going to be sustainable i don't think and i'm ashamed and embarassed to even like leave my house.

@Nahm I feel like i'm doing terrible haha. Basically hoping for a miracle, but i'm doing virtually nothing other than reading, and mind and body are deteriorating. And i'm a stubborn person so it's not like i'm flexible to change all of a sudden. Maybe i'll wake up one day and poof i'm a different person.

Yeah i mean my dream is to be a strong person like David Goggins who can work hard and suffer and thrive. I want to be able to push myself, grind, accept the pain and just get through it. But i know the state i'm in and my current mindset, i'd quit. I'm not that guy, i'm the opposite of that guy right now. Not sure if i'll ever be that guy given how things are going right now but you never know things could change. Haven't checked it out yet but i'll take a look soon, i have some psychoanalysis books i'm reading right now. I definitely feel the resistance to the truth, or whatever this tense feeling of the moment is. I guess it makes sense that anger is a perspective, like how my depression is based on the perspectives i'm holding.

@Consilience I've tried holotropic breathing a few times but i always give up before getting anywhere near emotional release. It's similar to when i run, once things get a bit uncomfortable i just give up and stop. Maybe that's something to discuss with the analyst haha

@kag101 The analyst I'm working with has a PhD in psychology, and he said he works as a child and adolescent psychologist. I've only had 2 sessions so far and the last one was really good. I felt some emotions come up that don't usually come up, and I felt like I gave him a good picture what I'm struggling with. I'm excited to engage in the process. I've read some of the psychoanalytic literature and theres potential here. The analyst brought up good points after the session too, he mentioned low self esteem and developmental issues which are things I've been thinking about as well. I definitely have symptoms of depression like poor energy, hopelessness etc and I'm going to see a psychiatrist on the 18th to get on meds. But I am more optimistic about the analysis long term than meds. Theres a track record of psychological neuroses through my life, like the way I was raised, and the way I judge the world and myself, that I think plays a big role in my depression. But if the meds work and improve my mood, I'm not getting off them unless the circumstances of my life are drastically different.

I smoked weed yesterday for the first time in a few months with a friend and it was in interesting experience. I realized that i don't like spending time with my friend, as i didn't feel i was able to emotionally open up to him and i didn't trust him to honor our conversation. Most of my friends are emotionally closed off, so am I, so in any given conversation or interaction i don't feel like I really connect meaningfully with the person. I also just felt bad and like a complete loser just hanging out at the park. I became aware of how distorted my social circle is, and just the way I live my life is not good. I got some glimpse into how distorted my perspective on life is, and how the lens through which I see the world is playing a big role in my unhappiness. I'm directionless, i have so sense of purpose or goals, and i'm insecure and feel bad about myself. Obviously this stuff needs to change, but i'm terrified of even taking any steps. The only thing i want to do is isolate myself, and recede from society. I'm becoming one of those weird kids that was spoiled as a kid and now can't function as an adult. The thing is i don't feel any of this stuff. My life is so terrible and wrong, but it doesn't feel like that. I also became aware of how much i hate myself. I know if i was observing myself as just an ordinary person, I would hate myself and judge myself extremely harshly. I'm not actively saying to myself how much i hate myself, but it has to be there operating below the surface. I have a lot riding on my psychoanalysis. I can't imagine that's a good sign, but i really hope something good and trans formative comes from this experience.

You have emotional issues stemming from your relationship with your parents. You have probably have history of relationships with similar patterns repeating of how you treat girl, type of girl, cheating, intimacy etc. All "life" problems stem from relationship issues which originated with your parents. You always say how parents did evil stuff you don't want to talk about etc, isn't that egoic BS? You and I both have "Mental" problems. Kinda fucked up that i see you(and me) spending like 5 plus hours per day on forum. My problems are more childish, but problems are problems. Maybe psychoanalysis could help you who knows. I'm not working with winter soilder i just had 1 call with him, didn't think it would be so easy. Yeah there are levels too awakening i think Nahm is higher too. But you still think Leo is awakened, i'm pretty sure winterknight is beyond Leo, and go read his thread and what he said about Leo, it wasn't pretty.

@zeroISinfinity I told him i thought i was bipolar, but he said he thinks i'm not. He said i have problems with low self esteem, and psychological development problems. 4 days per week, 200 dollars per session. So like $40 000 per year. Ouch... but agreed. I am unhappy and dissatisfied, and i got nothing better to do than try and solve this. Also look at how i treated Nahm, and issues with responsibility etc. And the fact that i'm here on this forum in the first place. If nothing was wrong, i wouldn't be here right? I'd be out living not worrying about "enlightenment" and trying to get therapy. I have weird problems you get when your family has too much money, and kids are spoiled and weak and parents just let them indulge in fantasies. I can't because of Covid but when it's over i will likely go travel. I think solo travel would serve me well, teach me some independence and resilience. You know how i spoke too today @zeroISinfinity? Good old @winterknight. I looked him up and had a call. He was the one who recommended that seekers get psychoanalysis to sort of emotional problems that prevent seekers from progressing on the path. I read your exchanges with @winterknight too. I may be full of shit pussy, but he is not. He is smart af and spiritually wise. I'm rolling with my boy winter. Maybe you need an analyst too, you and i both know you got fucked up psyche as well.

@kag101 I'm starting to speak with a psychoanalyst multiple times per week as well. He was skeptical about getting me on meds, and talked to about potential developmental issues, low self esteem etc. I think prozac will work well for me to help relax and reduce anxiety, but i'm also skeptical that my problems are as simple as a chemical fix. In either case i'm happy to be getting off the spiritual bypass train, and try some alternative methods to try and help me.

@Elisabeth I did yoga for like 5 months consistently, but i never managed to go deep enough to the point where emotions were being surfaced. I tried holo breathing a few times, but i don't have the will to push through and breathe deeply. I get distracted and am unwilling to go deeper into the breathing after like 5 deep breaths so i never got to a point of deep release.

Okay i just spoke to a psychoanalyst and i felt good after the session. I got a lot out of mind my mind in that session and the analyst seemed very optimistic about working with me, and the potential for growth. He also expressed concern about getting me on meds and labeling my condition bipolar so early on, and had a very holistic approach to my condition. I felt some emotions come up during the session, and i feel a bit energized after the session. I feel optimistic after talking to the analyst, i was unsure about him at first, and i was actually worried that he'd say he couldn't help and i'd have to look somewhere else. That went better than i could have hoped for, and the fact that it is 4 days a week is pretty awesome.

@lostmedstudent

@kag101 I'm going to see a psychiatrist and I'm going to get on meds... but I do think there is more to depression than a chemical imbalance. The depression is only one part of the problem in my life. I have a track record now of fucking up and character issues that I want to understand and address. Meds I hope will be useful but I have more personality stuff going on that i think is rooted in emotional issues.

@bejapuskas I've read different theories on depression, and given the way I told tension in my head I'm almost certain there are repressed emotions at play for me. I don't know why I'm hiding them. Likely they were repressed based on my parents response to my emotions growing up, and maybe living with them now is continuing that. But I've lived on my own and still has the same depression so idk

@lostmedstudent Thanks. But i really am a fuck up here. I am envious of you tbh, you are responsible. You went to med school, you are supporting yourself and now you are trying to self actualize and find happiness with a stable base of life. I did the opposite. I was completely dependent on my parents for everything, i've only worked 1 job for 1 summer in my life, and now i'm 24 with no prospects. And i'm completely toxic for employees or other school options. I didn't even finish my exams so i have a bunch of N's on my transcript, and i failed a semester from depression in the past two. I'm going to become hikkimori at the rate i'm going and i'm terrified.

https://www.rtor.org/2017/04/11/failure-to-launch-part-2/ This describes me, and I have no motivation to actually fix this. I feel stuck, and I don't know what i'm going to do about fixing this. I'm like worse than most people describe in these articles, i'm completely useless and I don't do anything productive or useful. I even looked at teaching in Japan as a way to reset, i wouldn't even qualify that's how much of a loser i am. I wouldn't get any references and they'd see my school history and if i'm on meds and for sure they wouldn't let me do it.

When did you start working really hard? I'm not a hard worker at all What caused it for you? My mom was over involved because she wanted us to succeed, but it backfired. My dad is a hard worker, but he's emotionally a child and he didn't teach us anything about being a hard worker or being a man growing up.

I won't do it, i know myself. You were right when you said in 4 years nothing will change. I live in my comfort zone, and growth occurs outside the comfort zone. I'm like pavlolv's dog with learned helplessness, my parents treat me like i'm 5 years old and even though i'm miserable it's safe and comfortable so i accept it. I can see how this is going to play out, i'm going to spend years doing therapy, rasa, meds, psychs etc. I already made an appointment for 4 days a week psychoanalysis, but none of this stuff is going to make me change because it's comfortable. I'm going to go round and round for years trying to fix my mind, while staying attached at the hip to my mom and dad. I think i'm better than that. And right now i don't have to because my home is always open and free, i'm not going to take a mcdonalds job while living at home with this comfort it won't happen. I know i'm not, but i honestly think i'm better and special and somehow this will work out for me. It's delusional thinking, it's the thinking of a spoiled child who's had everything handed to him, so happiness and fulfillment will be handed to me as well. I don't think i can or will face them. I have no idea how to survive, if you left me alone in the world I believe i'd fail and die or get raped or something. I have 0 resourcefulness, confidence, ingenuity, problem solving etc? I'm pretty much useless outside of academic knowledge. I'm weak. There's physical requirements necessary to enter, and i'd fail them. Mentally i'm weak with exercise. People go through it when they're like 12 years old. My mind is so up and down. One minute i'm thinking i'm going to end up killing myself, then feeling better and thinking this stuff will work out for me. Look at how many of comments are the same thing over and over. I prefer the comfortable misery over whatever else is out there. I'm a complete child who's stuck in his head, i just stay in my tight bubble each and every day. It's not going to change while i'm here man, i'm way more likely to just commit suicide then get out of the house and survive alone, i'm fucked.

Co-dependence and not growing up have been plaguing my mind. This seems to be the core of my psychological suffering right now. I would be so ashamed of working at mcdonalds and telling people i know that i dropped out of law school to work minimum wage jobs and be a loser. But this is my situation. I think back to when i was in college and kids around me were working volunteering etc. I was focused on school and i thought i would be okay. I didn't think i was that far off from being a happy adult, but i'm not even close. I am so far behind other people my age in the basics of life it's terrible. I want to scream and throw a tantrum, that's my response. It's pathetic. I just looked up the military requirements. I wouldn't even pass the basic entrance requirements. I'm having a nervous breakdown but i can't let any of it out. Thinking back through school, virtually no kids were as weird as I was. I think defective humans like me will become more common in the future, but for now it's going to be rare. Oh my god. I'm defective. I really want to cry but i can't.

I had a dream I was at some complex and I was hanging out with some friends. I saw a friend from law school and he looked sad seeing me and tried to avoid seeing me. I then saw a bigger group of my classmates working on something and I was envious and tried to avoid them. The dream also included some sexual stuff about a friend from high schools mom and my brother which was weird. The regret and shame from dropping out is so much. It comes and goes, but when it comes it just lingers on my mind. That's not even the worst of it. I'm still codependen, a man child, and I dont have the will or desire to my radical changes necessary. I spoke to a psycho analyst, and his rate is 4 sessions per week at 200 dollars per session..Its insanely expensive. When I told my mom she said just do it, she just wants me to get better and not kill myself. But I honestly don't know if this will work, I spoke to him about the issue of codependence and he said moving out is an important step but I have virtually no prospects and no job experience ? pretty much sums it up. I just have this blank stare most days.

@zeroISinfinity is probably right about co-dependence. My parents treat me like a child, and i act like a child so we both satisfy our roles. My inability to take responsibility, immaturity, childishness, poor dating skills, poor social skills etc all this stuff comes from being a child on the inside. I look like a man, but inside i act and feel like a scared kid. My dad looks at me like a little kid, but I think he will let me work with him at the farm. But is this going to solve the issue? I don't know. Part of me thinks this is just another way to remain co-dependent, i will still be little kid with his dad at work. 24 year old child working with daddy. It sounds grown up, oh i'm going to work at the farm and be a farmer. Great fantasy in my mind about this work for sure. But would i just be same old kid just doing chores at the farm. Right now when i work there it's not even real work, me and my brother just drive berries to the cannery and sit around waiting for the rows to be cleared by the machine. Today i did more work than usual and it's just terrible, i'm phyiscally and mentally weak and i struggle with basic physical tasks. But on the other hand. I could learn how to actually farm, and develop skills necessary to be a good farmer. If therapy, meds, RASA, energy healing etc if any of that stuff has positive effect, then it could improve my energy, character, mindset etc that will allow me to work harder and be a better employee at the farm. My dad looks at me like a child, but if i work hard and focus on doing well, then i could earn his respect and be viewed as a good worker. I could actually earn my salary, and develop as a person working on the farm. But it feels like avoidance. Like if my dad says you can work at the farm, but i'm not getting real wage and i'm staying at home then i don't know what else to do. Obvious answer is just get job at mcdonalds or a warehouse and work tons of hours to move out, but i just won't do it. I know myself, I literally would do anything to avoid working shit job to survive. I'm entitled, arrogant, child, with false self image, i won't/can't do it. Sad thing is that suicide is easier than being forced to work low end jobs to survive, that's how pathetic of a person I am, i might be more likely to commit suicide then take responsibility for my life and do what's necessary to break co-dependence. Ha, i had so much hope that my life would turn around from this place and the path. I can fantasize so easily about the good life, where i'm happy and life is good. I got the truth about myself though no doubt. This stuff coming out now has been there my whole life, it's the dark side of who I am. My problems are a complete joke compared to the world too. People in Hong Kong are getting put in jail for life for standing up for their future civilization, and i'm crying about dropping out of law school, getting a job, and being a miserable spoiled man child. I always wanted to be a great person, like Keira Yammato. I wanted to be smart, disciplined, impressive, creative, capable, excellent, talented, impactful. Growing up i always wanted that, i always thought that was coming for me. I actually tasted it once before after my last depressive episode, there were a few weeks there where i felt genuinely self actualized and fully capable and powerful. The truth is that it may not happen for me in this life. I may be like this for the rest of my life. This may be it for me. I wonder what people reading think haha, this has to be the most pathetic journal on the forum hands down. Most of them must know that there's nothing they can say that will help me. Learned helplessness and victim mindset is an inside job, if the person isn't actively trying to improve and change their stars than there's nothing that can be done. I've been walloing in the abyss of my own misery for months now, don't see it changing anytime soon.

@zeroISinfinity I'm hoping to get that from working on the farm. I can rent a place pretty close and work there full time, and use free time to address the issues of the mind. I can get a salary, and start fresh in the city near the farm. If i work full time at the farm at least i have a real job, and can develop some independence to find a girlfriend and live in the community. I think i'm going to do a 12 step program too. My biggest co-dependence is with my mom. She's the one who did everything growing up, i think that's where my weakness comes from because i never had to do anything, everywhere was taken care of. My dad will give me a salary after like a year of working, and then it's up to me to not go to parents for anything. Farm work is pretty good, complete isolation.

I've reached out to a psycho-analyst today hopefully he has time to see me. So the hope for my life in the near future (next few years) is to work full time at the farm, move out and start supporting myself (but even supporting myself is going to be with family money so idk if this counts), and just go to therapy, maybe 12 step meetings, and try and sort my head out and find a path to happiness. This feels like a bad dream and i really just want to wake up. I want to just move to the middle of no where and i want everyone to forget i exist. I feel worthless and ashamed. I actually don't think i feel this stuff. I'm just thinking about how worthless I feel. I fee just a tension/constriction and then various thoughts just produce different subtle feelings, like shame, regret, worthlessness.

@Arcangelo I don't think going back will solve anything. I'm also ashamed to go back. Yeah shame is a big part of my identity too. Law school is done for me, but I the loathing, regret, shame will probably be around for a while