@Max_V you’re being hard on yourself! You continue to strive for awakening even though it’s uncomfortable. That in itself is commendable!
People say the ego stirs up nasty attacks when we are doggedly working to find ourselves. Furthermore, that it is done in order to create discontent in the hopes you will give up.
There are no set rules, timeline, or expectations to measure up to. You know your internal lay of the land better than anyone else ever will. Keep searching