Wow. What a weekend that was. So profound! I was invited, when we were closing the weekend, to play guitar and sing a song in front of 20 people. This time it was really successful. I was able to put all pride aside and just be vulnerable. Mye voice has never felt so deep, soft and honest before. Many women gave me compliments for my performance when we hugged and said good bye for the weekend. One woman said: "Music really reveals who you are!" Before when I have been doing a performance like that I have pretended to be something, but this time I was really relaxed and authentic. This is also a result of going to the guitar-teacher that I see frequently now. It gives me more confidence to play in front of people. My hands are well-exercised and ready to perform at any moment.
It also feels like I'm less spellbound by this woman. In this energy that I'm in now maybe I can relate to her in a more normal and relaxed way. Authentic.
I think my center of gravity has dropped down a few notches. My energy is less sparkly and nervous in the head, and more anchorded in my hipps.
Some women has also been saying that I have a boyish energy. That is because my center of gravity is too high up I think. And that is one reason I fail to fully attract the women I fall in love with. I become scared and boyish in my energy. Like asking for permission to hang out around mommy. And even though they deeply appriciate my company, and we end up becoming best friends deep soul mates, my energy is not masculine enough to fully attract them.
Wow, this is brutally honest.
But it feels really good to understand this issue better.
I'm very satisfied with my life. Everything is really good, except for the fact that I'm not dating. I have a long, long break from that side of life. Just chilling. I've dated enough and had enough experiences with sex, girlfriends, falling in love, falling in love with someone who loves you back but you end up triggering each other issues and the relationship becomes co-dependent and destructive in the end, falling in love with someone who doesn't love you back and only want you as a friend, a female friend falls in love with you and becomes frustrated because you don't sleep with her but stays so emotionally and physically close and this ends up in drama, etc etc. I've experienced all of it. The good and the exciting things, and the painful and dramatic things. So that was enough for my taste of all of that.
Now I only want to chill and love myself and have fun. And if I meet someone else in that energy that would be cool.
But obviously I still have some issues that are getting trigged when I get a crush on someone.
So that is what I need to work through.
And it all boils down to self-love.
Gosh we did so much fun this weekend. Singing mantras together, dancing, sharing emotional stuff, getting coached and supported by the one who was holding the space, eating nice food, hugging, laughing, enjoying nature, developing deeper friendships and family bonds within the spiritual family.
I was also really able for the first time to accept the space-holder as a leader. He is my older brother. I can learn a lot from him. There has been some tension between us, especially when we were in Brazil together. But now it completely dissolved. It was just love and friendship now.
What an amazing community. I want to build my life around this type of life now. I'll start gradually. I only need to plan one ceremony ahead in time. One after the other. And good space in-between for integration and maintaining balance in my normal life. With this approach I will be able to find a good rythm.
This is what I want to devote myself too.
I've even found a Santo Daime guitar-teacher now from Brazil that will teach me online on video-chat this particular style of guitar-playing, along with teaching me how to play and sing the traditional hymns. This will also incluce learning portuguese as I'm also studying on DuoLingo. DuLingo together with learning and singing the hymns is perfect. I will also listen a lot to the hymns from now on just to get used to listing to portuguese. I can already feel that it is getting more and more familiar and that I'm able to pick out a few familar words here and there and understanding the broader context of what the text is about but with the details being blurry.
I'm going to fully immerse myself in this tradition in a relaxed and fun and loving way. This is my passion.
I think I want to just give myself over to this process and trust that lives takes me where I'm meant to be taken.
The music gives me focus and discipline, too. So that I can concentrate my energies around something. It is very therapeutic.
Life is meant to be beautiful, and art is supposed to flow. I feel like we are all here to create beauty together. That is what evolution is. But we also need to help each other heal from suffering on the way. We are here to heal and grow.

For the solution, you should read Atomic Habits. It's literally just about building good habits and breaking bad ones.

It says that the 4 laws to breaking a bad habit are to:
Make It Invisible, as opposed to obvious;
Make It Unattractive, as opposed to attractive;
Make It Difficult, as opposed to Easy to do; and
Make It Unsatisfying or Punishing, as opposed to Satisfying or Rewarding.

The book goes in detail with each law and explains them well.

 

Nobody has ever wasted a single moment, everything is absolutely filled with purpose and meaning. Move towards appreciating and loving yourself for the time when your body and mind were asking for rest.

Well, firstly, stop making this about guys. It's not. It's about you. You are afraid of being authentic.
Secondly, you should distinguish weak/shy/low self-esteem vs feminine. Feminine is an independent variable from those other negative qualities.
Thirdly, a quality guy is gonna quickly get annoyed by a weak/low self-esteem/insecure girl. It stops being cute and it become pathetic. It's not possible to respect such a girl. Which is why such girls end up getting treated like trash, because you others will only respect you as high as you respect yourself.
Healing is death, but death is Love
What you're lacking is simply Self-Love.
Stop living for the comfort of others and start living for your own comfort. You're not being selfish enough.

Update your style. Dress well, clean and look good. New fresh different haircut. Exercise.Go to the beach. Get a bike (The one that helped me the most since it forces you to be present, alive with adrenaline. It breaks the thought pattern habits by doing a constant masculine effort to survive). I would say getting a bike (learn first with a scooter) and playing some sport you like are like the two first things you must do to force your psychology to change and get out from your present thought pattern. Those two will automatically upload your self image in addition to your new style (get temporary tattoos and earrings at least). 
Then take alot of action and rest at the same time. And set a practice just as meditation to think positive thoughts mostly about what you like and want (ask and it is given book). If you are out of home like work, you need to create a strategy were something like a photo can trigger a positive thought so you can keep attracting more positive thoughts so you feel better and better while you are there most of the time, so you dont create negative thought patterns. You have to be extremely careful of what you think at work and home specially.
Man, the bike is just magic. It will give you a sense of freedom and aventure, were you dont need to wait for traveling in order to break free from your ego cocoon. 
Stay like these by creating a new active positive loop lifestyle of thoughts and habits. You are what you do (experience), think and eat. (self Image is not static. It has to be constantly mantained by alot of positive feed back and experience. Getting positive friends in some activities like sports can be helpful to keep it alive).
The importance of looking good and powerful, masculine is to feel like these and get good feedback from others. The feedback others give you is crucial for your self image. You need to defend it or run from those enviorments if its negative. 
Self image is mostly about action/experience. You need to get away from not natural habits like being at home all day in bed, using phone and media. Your life style. should be like a grown kid. You need to wake up excited about creating whatever you want. Learning new skills will make you feel very good,like dancing. Doing parkour or going to dangerous heights. Watching movies and playing games after working on what you like.
(But you will also need self control through yoga, meditation and stoicism to have some control of your present experience and thoughts).
Its just that most of us got used to this new digital lifestyle and forgot what it feels to live again. If you stay like these, there wont even be an inch of space to think negativity or suffer. 
Lastly, if you ever feel bad. Standing up alone will raise your mood. Better than nothing. 

‘Deep rooted issues’ is a concept, a thought, which arises only now. 
That isn’t feeling, that is an interpretation. Feeling is now, and is of the interpretation. You are not feeling a past, you are feeling your own interpretation. 
That also is a concept, a thought, which arises now or not at all. 
What you want is to feel amazing all the time, and you can. The interpretation, which you believe is true, specifically about you, actually isn’t. This is why it feels discordant, to you. 
The feeling amazing you seek is present now, and only now. As you mentioned, you tried getting it from everyone and everything, and that did not pan out. This is because you are the source of feeling amazing. Like a cork held underwater and let go, amazing feeling arises of it’s own natural accord. This is not something you can do. You must learn how to ‘get out of your own way’, and feel that the cork, the true nature, arises within naturally. To ‘get out of your own way’, is to let the habit of conceptualizing go, and understand the emotions you are actually feeling & experiencing. 
The emotional scale. 
The old habitual conceptualizing will arise, simply focus again on the emotional scale. 
Express each emotion simply & earnestly. It is not complicated, there is no ‘big aha’. Each higher emotion feels a bit better, and momentum builds as you go up the scale. 
When you’ve expressed each emotion up to contentment, you’ve let the cork go. 
If you aren’t truly feeling at peace with this moment as it is (contentment), honor and express what you are thinking and feeling, and go to that emotion on the scale, and proceed upward again. 
Then the cork naturally arises as hopefulness, because (from the direct experience of using the scale) it is now realized you can use this scale anytime you want. In going forward with your life, this is good to know because there will be challenges, there will be difficulties. But - there will be the scale, which you can use to help you ‘empty’ by expressing, and thus feeling, contentment. You can do this anytime you want. This makes the outlook, thoughts of the future, optimistic by default, and you feel eagerness in knowing this, and joy and freedom in experiencing this. 
 

@Leo Gura maybe you're right, or maybe you're not. God knows. I did my part of following my desire to understand and went down some uncharted territories. I am thankful and I love myself for doing so.
I acknowledge the feeling present within me that you mentioned in the open mindedness video about becoming ideological and feeling dirty about it. Seeing the response, I am obviously hurting others with my apparent lack of compassion so I take a vow of silence from this forum until I have something substantial to offer. I am humbled. 

You are running away from doing the work to make your life better.
Go take a cold shower.
Shorten your time horizon. Make small changes. Visualise what you want your life to look like in 6 months.
Don't put so much pressure on yourself to quit porn. If it happens it happens, try to do it less frequently. It will naturally fall away when your life improves. 
Acceptance and self-love will take you a long way

The point of all of my pointers is that they will eventually undermine and devour themselves, like a snake eating its own tail.
My goal is to take you on this amazing journey through your mind, for years, until one day you have an awakening so deep and so profound that you say: OH-MY-GOD! It's all NOTHING! Everything Leo was talking about was just a giant cosmic divine circle jerk which I created for myself in order to realize the fully glory of myself as God. OH-MY-GOD! But why was all this necessary? To show you the enormity of your own mind.
Of course none of it is necessary. I just like exploring the mind.
Don't think of my teachings as logical proofs. They are poetry and art.
All we're doing here is celebrating the profundity of yourself as God.