Although my parents aren't very religious, they both come from jewish families and they are both jewish. That makes me a jew (duh), but I didn't attend a jewish school and even to this day, all but one of my friends are non-jews, and judaism has never been important to me at all. Nonetheless, when I was 12 years old, my dad told me that if I ever married a non-jewish woman he would disown me, stop loving me, etc, and as you would expect, those words can be quite traumatizing for a 12 year old boy. To this day (I am currently 27), those words have haunted me, and I don't think I have ever fully forgiven my dad for that and even have some kind of resentment towards the jewish community that I logically know is undeserved, but is nonetheless there.
Although my relationship with my dad has had its ups and downs, it's never been what I would call a "good" father-son relationship, and I know for a fact that those words he said to me all those years ago are the main reason why.
Additional information that may or may not be useful:
- I am in spiral dynamics stage orangish/greenish and have a stage blue shadow.
- If I ever end up having children, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't mind if they aren't jewish (I am not a fan of any religion, tbh).
- My dad suffers from depression and although he has been considering ayahuasca, he has been taking antidepressants for decades (before I was born) and doesn't want to stop taking them, so he can't do ayahuasca. I mentions this because I suspect ayahuasca could help open his mind, but idk.
- My dad is probably spiral dynamics stage orange, although he has a little of blue and green as well.
- I have always had commitment issues with girls. None of my relationships ever work, and I suspect this emotional problem is a big reason why. I have dated non-jewish girls that I really liked, but I always self-sabotage/screw things up. I have dated very few jewish girls, but I don't want to give my dad the satisfaction, so I also screw things up with them...
This has been haunting me for the last 15 years. Is there something I'm not seeing? Is there something my dad isn't understanding that I should help him understand? Any thoughts/advice?
Thanks in advance.
