JessicaKatherine

It can feel overwhelming to change so much at once due to insight but also be mindful to steady yourself and stay conscious of your "woke" ego. That can also be dangerous for a number of observable reasons. Get your notepad ready so to speak. Good luck!

I know there is an honest sense of detachment with relationships that I have been experiencing since working on self actualizing, where as before there was a stickier type of ego attachment. My natural instincts to bond taking over. Now that I can identify my feelings I don't mistake my "need" for someone for real love. I am wondering if looking "left and right" in the dating game is not only distracting in nature on its own, but are there real and spiritual benefits? Or is bonding for life airy in the end and why? Will I find this out? I thought I knew and now that I feel differently I still don't know. I don't want to get too far into the question because I want to leave it open. I can only describe my own change in opinion but I know I am not always correct or good for my own direction. thank you!

@PlayTheGame It will allow you to attract a broader spectrum of partners, although your taste in women is a direct indication of your level of consciousness. The lesson here is how to know and grow yourself better so that you can heal what attracts you to that type of scenario. I can recognize this because that was my poor taste in men and now I won't settle for less than the best for my level of consciousness because I would never let someone half asleep in life suck my hard work and energy away like that. With respect to the hard work that it will take to continue to better yourself. The more you shine the more people will want it and the more it is worth protecting which will add a gap between yourself and this type of crowd. If you grow yourself the end result will be a more attractive hard working self actualized individual who won't find attraction but sympathy in women who may not be working hard but are confused and somewhat stuck in suffering. Also I promise all of the "swag" you think that you have right now isn't actually all that great its your dirty self and will die off as you become who you really want to become but haven't achieved yet, if that makes you feel better about letting go in the future. This is good because your life and your partners are inevitably in your control. Consider the fact that you are on this forum is a step up from the average Joe if you choose to stick with growth for life. You'll never even know why you were that person in the first place and be thankful that you have the contrast. until then, stay honest with yourself so that you can discover why it is that you do what you do and who you are. If that's your taste, bless it. To answer your question more straightforward though, the answer is generally no you probably won't still like the same things in a couple of years time, and if it's goodbye you're afraid of, I'll tell you it will all be okay regardless and that change is worth it. Have a great week!

I've spent my teenage years 100% free from marijuana and mostly alcohol minus a few times a year after the age of 18 on "sneaking a drink behind the parents back" moments. My goal is to return to a substance minimal life. At the age of 19 I took my first toke of pot and got high. I've been a pot smoker since. I drank heavily at that time until the age of 21 as well and didn't consider myself a regular drinke until I gave up pot in attempts to continue to self actualize. I am 27 and have spent the better part of two years trying to quit smoking marijuana as it feels very unauthentic to my life and goals. FINALLY after years of meditating on when and how to quit for life and how to WANt to quit, I finally quit cold turkey five months ago and enlisted the help of a professional psychiatrist to deal with my other issues that have been building up because of the pot addiction. Four weeks into quitting, I smoked for six weeks straight falling off the wagon again with the smoking sessions becoming closer and closer together. I quit again for three months after my six week period in hopes of quitting for good and here I am, I smoked for my birthday "socially" and have smoked for four days now. I've drank a bottle of wine at least once every two weeks consistently when I am not smoking pot. I am quitting marijuana again as I have never given up, I fell into my habits. It's not that I am not trying really hard. I keep "chasing" something to feel good about once I revert back to old habits and it's not a part of my larger self vision. HOW do I stay consistent, forgiving, and not replace bad habits with new ones such as drinking alcohol? How do I quit again long enough to get past the addiction? How do I make friends with the mundane so that I can give up these two substances and feel authentic to my purpose? PLEASE any advice helps. Thank you!

@Arcangelo Thank you! Its helpful in a reflective way to hear another response about addiction replacement. It help me to see myself too. Weed was a deterrent to my depression, meaning it's offered medicinal effects to my pain body at the time, I've since faced my depression and find that my addictions have been left in it's wake. What's left of the sadness is my lack of being able to capacitate no marijuana long term. They are laced somehow hand in hand. Still always going to keep trying though. I believe in the power of change.

@Consilience Thank you so much. Thank you. I've recently gotten into a tripping regimen for a few weeks. The first time I tripped on shrooms was because of Leo's trip report videos. Recently after roughly four trips spread out over a couple of years I've just gone for it. I've micro dosed and tripped for the last few weeks on average in a controlled at home solo environment. I am going to write about it soon. Had I read your comment before my trips these past few weeks I wouldn't have thought much into your statement on shroom experience because I didn't understand how much can shift in perception so quickly and never be quite the same thing when it's done. I can now begin to appreciate this work deeper. I'm not even a shroom user on average so there is so much for me to discover. I'm currently researching into acid trips and DMT trips so that I can prepare myself for these sorts of trips too. (It took me a while with the shrooms but now I know what I am starting to look at here so I am wiling to open my self inquiry trip research as I lacked trust in the idea of tripping.) I am going to check out your marijuana posts, I am thankful for a piece of your insight, your experience with quitting is inspiring to me.

@Rigel Thank you! I want to quit because inside I am not my true self anymore when I smoke, its stuck like a jacket of dirt and unauthenticity. I wasn't born this way, I wasn't needy for pleasure outside of existing until I accumulated a pain body, much like anyone else. I am my pot smoking self and I can see the dirt in the mirror. It isn't me and I want to put it down, for my spirit and larger purpose. I am dirty on the inside, purification is authentic to me, the addiction is a reflection if this, that is why I would like to quit. I desire deeper healing now. I've looked at myself and really just can't ignore it. What I disguised as fun for years wasn't fun when Truth hit, its coming apart.

@Average Investor Thank you! I have never been a psychedelic mushroom user but four times or so since starting to watch Leo's videos, until three weeks ago. I decided to do a regimen of micro dosing and full tripping to see for myself what kind of changes in perceptions short term and long term on a consistent and controlled basis ( non party or friend related) just myself in my exploration. I was going to write a new post on how generally well some of the effects have been. How much has changed and how much I am embracing in a different light as apposed to the rigidity of my ego. I am thankful that I put my harder judgments about tripping behind me in the past, there is something deeper happening than a " trip" or "high" because I am not the same when I am sober after the trip. I also didn't know that I could cry without the sensation of pain but on these trips I've cried, it was an unloading much like setting down heavy luggage. It wasn't a knife being twisted under the pressure of the ego. The tears were there and the release of some underlying issues I've been carrying and couldn't see. Its not a cure all, but its defiantly the next solid step on my path. I am thankful for giving shroom use more of a try. I've asked friends about their trip reports but it is heavy and thick with misunderstanding or projections, or dead ends. If you have anything you'd give advice on to a relatively newer tripper in the world of self inquiry I'd like to know. Thank you!

@Farnaby Thank you! Good question when you asked, 1) What purpose does weed/getting high serve in your life? Are you trying to escape some particular feeling (boredom, loneliness, sadness, anger, etc.) or void. When I try to quit, there are feelings of guilt, shame, sadness, anger, frustration, and melancholy (due to the after effects of loading up on cannabinoids and then detoxing will cause the brain to go through a rebalancing stage where the THC built up in the system leaves), but my melancholy feelings are also present with my feelings of depression and anxiety when it arises. My emotional awareness needs exercised, I also require more healing. I feel left out and jealous when I see people smoking after I've quit. I haven't been strong enough to face enough of myself to just get through a year smoke free. I would love to see myself at that point. I want my life back from my bad cycles. You said, 2) Once you have identified it's function, experiment with healthier ways to deal with these feelings such as exercise, meeting with people you feel nice with, walks in nature, whatever you think may be enjoyable. You will probably feel as if these things are boring without being high, but keep doing them mindfully, noticing if there's something positive about doing these things without being high. I can relate to feeling bored. I love to exercise, I love to create art. Smoking marijuana has been so stimulating for me that it feels boring in comparison for a while. The sad part about this phase for me is that the symptom of boredom lasts so long that it sometimes translates to depression in ways, or other ways drags it up because I am free to actually feel my underlying "lack in life." For your third point, 3) Meditation. This is "easy" and hard for me to do still at this point. I used to pride myself on my wanting to self help and my ability to being to meditate over the coarse of the years but find that by some capacity I need to exercise my ability to sit and go through the process of closer self observation, because it will be months before I can get myself to sit down again consciously and begin a session. I do quidded meditations but this is still noise not quiet self observation. Can I ask, Is there a tip you may have to slow down and focus? On 4) Avoid places, people, etc., that trigger your cravings, at least until you feel more in control. I care a lot about my specific friends and social time. My social time has fed me. How do I let these things go right now? How do I get to the platform where I am ready to embrace distance? If you have any tips on self soothing while I stay away from my pot smoking crowd, that's always welcome too. I begin to feel lonely and "unfed," "uninspired." Although I am an introvert at heart, and have always been, the more I have awakened to more of myself the more I feel fed by social interactions and have built closer and more loving relationships with my friends un leu of being more open to my own self love ( who happen to be the people who smoked with me). So while I am healing from my addiction my issue is creating new relationships that support a non addictive lifestyle and be able to relate to them when I do not feel like creating new bonds at all while I am going through change like this during the time where I would like the support or company of my close friends. How do I build strength on this? on point 5) Go to therapy with a therapist that you feel you can trust and doesn't judge you I very much agree, its taken me years to start to talk to a professional and it's been life changing. on point 6) Pay attention to the things in your life that improve when you're sober. Thank you. When I feel the important things returning to the forefront its when I am in a state of gratitude. I am not thankful enough in my tired times. 7) Stay active, don't stay at home alone too much. I am a homebody a lot of the time, I need to prioritize physically getting up and making the move to get out. I am active, I just am home more. This is somewhere I can learn to improve. 8) Be compassionate towards yourself, it's normal to relapse and if it happens there's probably a lesson to be learned. Thank you.

@Egzoset Thank you! I was researching more into marijuana addiction, I reinforced a slightly renewed understanding of my marijuana addiction and homeostasis. How my habits will continue to change themselves back based on self regulation. I knew I'd have a "backslide" effect, since I've had a paradigm shift into Truth seeking, I've found it easy to go gung ho on first combustion so to speak. What I've also taken into account now is how to meet my habits in the middle and to stop thinking that I can do more than I can right now, based on some advice from Leo's older videos on managing bad habits.. My ambition has sabotaged some of my ability to remain steady in smaller doses. Going forward, its also been refreshing to have opinions and advice here as well, my addiction projections have phases where I am managed, then they seep back, then there is a deep projection phase where I face my feelings about my addiction, at which point I question my means or ability to quit and have to press restart. This process was more aggressive in the beginning although sometimes it still comes back a little harder. I haven't made the decision again to go through another quitting process, which I am trying to refrain from personal judgments about myself not deciding to quit. There is a root in my habit in smoking, as you said the ritual of the light up, the toke, the upslope, the relaxation. I want to feel normal, regardless of substance, not chasing my ritual. There is also judgments and filters that I haven't identified yet because of my ego blind spots. sometimes its confusing and painful, sometimes it's more clear. I appreciate your input! Have a great week, thank you!!

@Aquarius Thank you!

The outside world does not touch the inside, the inside creates the outside. The ego is the sponge that all of recorded sensory has downloaded into and responded to that covers the outside of what can't be touched. I've been meditating on the topic of death again lately, the further I meditate on it I first have to get past the gross feeling I experience when the shock of "this will all end" hits my stomach. I am reminded that I am not taking the skin with me, nor does anyone or anything. Then the gross wave of knowing the skin that is here will decay. I realize, there is nothing I can do about it. Sometimes I surrender, sometimes I throw away the meditation because it is hard to remind myself. So then, I can't control it, It's not the real me. Where am I? The real me? Why can this die and what will happen after? What can't be touched is silent on the inside. It's something that has always been here forever. At the end of the day, how is any of this even possible?

@OctagonOctopus Thank you. Being fully present more often is an exercise I have to work with at this point in my life still.

What is it to be alive? What is death? What is any of this, why do I have senses and why am I conscious? Why can I ask these questions and why am I in a body? Why don't I know these answers and why is it seemingly impossible to know? Why is it my nature to not know and where or when can I find out? I want to know, what am I? What is this? Where do I come from? Where am I going? On the the other hand I am embracing the temporary. I want to be human and embrace the mundane. I don't want to be human, I don't like the sufferage. This is good and bad, It's a miracle that there is either.

@modmyth, My attitude towards fitness fluctuates although I do consider this to be one of the top ten importances of my self improvement, sad and happy to say. I either feel motivated organically or sometimes I have to force myself into shape because my default position returning and assuming bad habits. I am on the side of avoiding ego backlash by trying not to force things here days until I change naturally, but this comes with the pain of "not consistent enough" patterns that happen with me. Thats where my pain comes in. Any tips?

Okay so I've come a really long way since my awakening of my awareness and the start of my ego death, But currently I still feel so stuck in my own prison. I've been learning recently to let this run its course with years to come. These days unlike years ago I feel more self accepting and conscious of my decisions and how they effect myself and others. Ive gotten over chastising my actions and judging others based on my criteria. My problem would be, the more conscious I become the more that falls away and the more I become sensitive to myself. This is a problem because I still feel the pain of delusion and the reality that some habits still cling strongly regardless of a still growing conscious. I suppose it definantly comes in layers and with layers I feel cleaner, I am not completely clean of myself. This is to say at this point without running from myself but from self acceptance and still knowing that there is confusion and obstacles with reaching my better self. I cant get myself to stick to a sturdy plan of action although some self discipline has grown. It's hard when I know I should be doing better and shame on me. I'm letting myself down. My feelings today while I make a conscious French onion soup is that I feel bad for my own delusion and offer my condolences to my confusion and self pity. I am always hitting reset on my decisions for the better. Here's to a new now and always starting fresh again and again.

@modmyth Thank you, I agree with you about setting more specific goals! As I wrote on the forum I realized I need to start solid on the things that are important to me. This time in a more meaningful measurement. I have gone in waves over the years to improve in layers on how I can do better. I've never been more focused than in my current years so I feel like I am with you on that, this would be like a sharpened blade if I take my time and slice things right. I am going to recreate a system that is more concrete. This month for 30 days I am focused on my weight loss goals again. After my entry I took a tangible direction to build on the things that are important to me one at a time again starting there. It seemed like what motives me the strongest currently is my fitness goals. It's never too late to hit restart. On October 26th I started to do my fitness affirmations and began a calorie deficiency while I clean up my diet again. Soon I will be recording my days. I didn't know if it was a solid plan to put it to pen and paper until I read your advice and felt encouraged to start sooner than later. (Thank you). Here's how I feel about why I am going to start again on my physical health and improve on my lifestyle changes; I know the value of my physical body is made of what I ingest and the quality of my consciousness ties in intimately with the information and foods and beverages I take in and how much I work on high quality output on my actions. In the past my actions were more egotistical based desires where in recent history for me I am seeing the value of proper self care as I mature. It's a domino effect on other areas, it's a web that stretches into my daily actions. When I over eat I am glazed over with a fixation to keep eating and the hypnosis of my unhealthy food cravings dulls down my entire "energy field" (so to speak). This delays other goals. I do not over eat like I did when I was at my heaviest but the milder cravings I have are definitely derived from my food addictions in the past. I am going to weed these left over bad habits out now that I am at a consistent in my health currently and won't fear so much progress backlash from going too fast. Slow and steady has finally won this race. Also, would you mind telling me how I might be able to start a second page of my journal entry? That would be a huge help, I haven't figured it out yet! Thank you so much! Have a great evening!

So today is day one of creating an online journal. I feel like with my phone being readily available wherever I am, this should be a more productive outcome than pen and paper has been over the years. I want to record current events so that I can stay track of a new starting goal for where I am heading •I am currently working towards my fitness goals. I've been on the upslope of health for the last five years. I started school five years ago to become a fitness trainer and never became state certified when I passed the school test. Fit weight, age 27, was 220lbs. Currently 135lbs. I eat moderately well. I would like to work towards an even more conscious diet and more consistent exercise. •I can meditate up to one hour at a time after an upslope of meditation over the last three years. I would like to become consistent and less distracted. My meditation is skewered. It's scarce with few sessions between. •I would like to finish school to become a life coach. I am currently half way through and motivated weekly to keep up with my studies. I am consistent. I would like to gain coaching experience before I charge income when I am certified. My goal is to see results for my clients through my ability to assist. •I am currently reaching for my savings goals. I started saving money several months ago after spending two years removing myself from the poverty mindset. I have paid off $19,000 worth of debt and turned it into $3,000 worth of debt. I would like to have this paid off as soon as possible. I direct deposit 15% of my pay into savings. I also add to it when I come into extra money. I want to continue to my next thousand dollar saving milestone and continue to stop spending where I don't need to. •I have adopted a lifestyle minimalism mindset when I found Buddhism as a teaching six years ago. I don't follow religion it was just a turning point in my perception. I used to hoard things in my apartment when I first moved out of my parents house. I now own a home and keep tidy and clear. I would like to see it more reduced of distraction. I watch myself to not fall into hoarding behaviors. My goal is to find out what can be decluttered at this point and what I don't have to purchase so much of going forward so that my wallet and home will be in a better place for my mentality. Also I am not sure if I am posting correctly as an online journal, that's why the second part to my first post is a comment. I'll get it figured it out eventually though.