Iulia

Hello everyone! Ever since I discovered Leo and followed through his work, listening to his videos weekly, i started seeing things really different than before..i'm in the process of becoming more "aware", but also more "uncertain" about what i want.. I could have written all this in a journal, but i feel like sharing my deepest thoughts and fears here is the right thing to do, as all of us are seeking meaning and progress here.. i could use a different perspective. My main "concerns" now are my relationship and my career.. i'm 25, in my third year of marriage, we live with rent, have pretty small salaries, but my husband is thinking about opening a business.. my problem is, that I don't know why, when thinking about our future, buying an apartment,having a baby, etc... it's like something within me "freezes". I never really dreamed since a young girl about the white dress, at this point i don't dream about having a baby either..i always thought it's normal to feel "unprepared", but i started to wonder why i tend to take a step back when things tend to get serious.. What i really want for sure, is to help people feel good about themselves.. I'm passionate about fitness and i intend to become a fitness trainer, and i would also love to do coaching at some point, as I noticed I have natural inclinations towards it and i'm buying psychology books almost every month.. but i know i need to "walk the walk and talk the talk" for this also. When studying a free life-coaching course, i learned about the importance of asking questions. So i just want to share with you guys some of the questions that i'm asking myself currently: Why do i always feel sexually attracted to some guys from time to time.. what is it that i lack in my relationship? Why do i feel the need to seduce? Does this reflect some kind of deep unfulfillment about myself? And how do i find out what than unfulfillment is? Why do i feel like i'm not the "family" type of woman and i dream so desperately about freedom..does this mean i'm running away from responsabilities? If i come to the conclusion that i just want to be free... why would i be scared to just take charge of my life? Why do i feel the need to face life alone..and why i'm scared like hell of it at the same time? How should i find out what is that which my soul is screaming for, and why is it that i can't get the message clearly? If i love him, despite all the financial problems, shouldn't i be able to do my best to work at my life purposes with what i can at the moment, while simply trusting the process? I'm also thinking i should start meditating daily, journaling and positive affirmations.... to 'clear' my head. I just fell into this analysis paralysis...and unfortunately this isn't the first time. It happened, i talked to him, then i thaught i'm making too much of a deal about it.. then went on and got back to uncertainty.. i'm in a vicious circle and got stuck again.. Did you struggle with this kind of questions...and if so, how did things turn out to be in time? I know i should accept the situation as it is in the present moment but i can't help but thinking about things.. Thank you all if you read this far. Can't wait for your opinion.

Thank you for the recommendation, i also thought about asking around for good books about sex, attraction, relationships.. Will watch the video too. Have a nice day!

Thank you for the recommendation, i also thaught about asking around for good books about sex, attraction, relationships.. Will watch the video too. Have a nice day!

Awareness Coaching? Personal power coaching? Inner strength coaching? I guess these are already available though

I strongly agree on that too! Since i got into personal development, i'm like that kid whom Leo talked to about how many awesome stuff he can do with his life, and he was like "Ooh really?! I never even thaught about it! Cool!!" I hear people now and then saying that their biggest realisation in life are their kids, and they think I'm weird when I say I don't want that necessarily in order to give my life purpose. Not living to my full potential would be one of my biggest regrets on the death bed.

Hey everyone! I woke up this morning having again of "those" dreams i'm having from time to time. And i really urged to write it down here now. I grew up with an alcoholic father, every weekend he got drunk and yelled at my mother from 9 p.m until 4-5 a.m, while i was listening to everything. I kept trying to convince my mom to leave him, that we would be better off without him, that i can't stand him making her cry one more day.. i remember telling her all this after leaving home for a few days after a big fight... Well. I'm 25 now and at 19 fortunately my father stopped drinking, after I left home and went living at my grandma's so i could have peace to study for college. In order for me to get back home i made a list of "rules" for him, like - stop yelling at mom - stop manipulating her -stop being violent Things like that.. I made 3 copies for all of us to sign it. While he said he was missing me, his ego was too big to understand my intentions and reacted like " Who do you think you are to ask me all of this?!" Few months after he quit drinking for good. Maybe i triggered something in him back then that made him concious about losing us, i don't know. I'm proud of him because of doing it as i never thaught he could. Now, i'm into self-actualization for over a year and i feel like i'm "reborning" slowly in this proccess, and i'm having dreams from time to time. Sometimes i dream about arguing with him, like yelling at him ( i never did this in childhood ), he beating me after, and i wake up crying in the morning. Last night i dreamed that i was in the neighbourhood i grew up, and I met a friend of mine. He asked me " how are you?", i told him " wait i'll be back and talk to you" and i ... flew. Like, actually opened my arms and 'flew" away. ( hilarious, i know ) I wanted to come back to the place i flew from and talk to him, but the "speed" took me to another city. When i realized i'm too far i started crying and asking a woman in a bus station to tell me what city is that and if i could get a bus to get home. While waiting, i saw right there a house of a family which i felt i knew and visited before, and from the moment i went into their house, i felt like all of the things that happened , have been happening to me before in the exact same order.. I don't remember exactly what i was but i felt fear and pain while living them.. I remember my mom came there and i was trying to persuade her into leaving my father, and as she used to in reality, she got back to him after... and i was feeling alone and "betrayed. After that i told her i have to leave her and could lot live like that anymore. Before i fell asleep last night i heard my neighbours quarelling, and i'm guessing that triggered something in my subconcious and provoked this dream. I know that in the proccess of my evolution i must forgive my father and everything he did, my mother too, and accept them as they are just because they raised me up as "best" as they could, they simply didn't know better and that's not to blame. While i thaught i really forgave him, turns out that's maybe just a mental forgiveness but i still have root issues i have to work on. Is there anyone here experiencing this? What have you realized in the process and how did you cope with it? Thank you, BIG THANK YOU for reading all of this.

Uh i really got excited about the titles here. They sound great. I have the bad habit of starting a few books and reading them simultaneously from time to time, so the books i'm on right now are: "I thought it was just me, but it isn't" - Brene Brown " Emotional intelligence" - Daniel Goleman "The road less traveled" - Scott Peck

Hey everyone! I woke up this morning having again of "those" dreams i'm having from time to time. And i really urged to write it down here now. I grew up with an alcoholic father, every weekend he got drunk and yelled at my mother from 9 p.m until 4-5 a.m, while i was listening to everything. I kept trying to convince my mom to leave him, that we would be better off without him, that i can't stand him making her cry one more day.. i remember telling her all this after leaving home for a few days after a big fight... Well. I'm 25 now and at 19 fortunately my father stopped drinking, after I left home and went living at my grandma's so i could have peace to study for college. In order for me to get back home i made a list of "rules" for him, like - stop yelling at mom - stop manipulating her -stop being violent Things like that.. I made 3 copies for all of us to sign it. While he said he was missing me, his ego was too big to understand my intentions and reacted like " Who do you think you are to ask me all of this?!" Few months after he quit drinking for good. Maybe i triggered something in him back then that made him concious about losing us, i don't know. I'm proud of him because of doing it as i never thaught he could. Now, i'm into self-actualization for over a year and i feel like i'm "reborning" slowly in this proccess, and i'm having dreams from time to time. Sometimes i dream about arguing with him, like yelling at him ( i never did this in childhood ), he beating me after, and i wake up crying in the morning. Last night i dreamed that i was in the neighbourhood i grew up, and I met a friend of mine. He asked me " how are you?", i told him " wait i'll be back and talk to you" and i ... flew. Like, actually opened my arms and 'flew" away. ( hilarious, i know ) I wanted to come back to the place i flew from and talk to him, but the "speed" took me to another city. When i realized i'm too far i started crying and asking a woman in a bus station to tell me what city is that and if i could get a bus to get home. While waiting, i saw right there a house of a family which i felt i knew and visited before, and from the moment i went into their house, i felt like all of the things that happened , have been happening to me before in the exact same order.. I don't remember exactly what i was but i felt fear and pain while living them.. I remember my mom came there and i was trying to persuade her into leaving my father, and as she used to in reality, she got back to him after... and i was feeling alone and "betrayed. After that i told her i have to leave her and could lot live like that anymore. Before i fell asleep last night i heard my neighbours quarelling, and i'm guessing that triggered something in my subconcious and provoked this dream. I know that in the proccess of my evolution i must forgive my father and everything he did, my mother too, and accept them as they are just because they raised me up as "best" as they could, they simply didn't know better and that's not to blame. While i thaught i really forgave him, turns out that's maybe just a mental forgiveness but i still have root issues i have to work on. Is there anyone here experiencing this? What have you realized in the process and how did you cope with it? Thank you, BIG THANK YOU for reading all of this.

@Anna Konstantaki Yeah i did all that stuff too, but i wanted to understand why i keep having dreams and what that means for my subconcious mind.. As i wrote above i wouldn't be able to have a conversation with my dad as it would turn into yelling and lots of anger from him even if i didn't do anything to provoke him, just opened the subject.. Maybe i'll try with a letter.

@Nomad Yes, did thought about it but unfortunately at the moment i can't. I don't think if i will ever tell him something as our relationship had been always distant, and i always had the feeling he does not "see me" as i am at all.. all he ever did was moralizing and tell me things like a stupid shit he told me once " i gave you birth i kill you" etc. He has anger problems and everytime i share with mom ideas or principles about how i see life he gets angry, as if i'm being naive and childish ..He expects others to treat him with respect even if he didn't actually do anything to earn it.. He simply wouldn't understand my feelings and his big ego would take them as a insult.. even if i were calm and didn't criticize him personally. I also considered writing him a letter..maybe this would be the best way. Thank you!

@Kelley White Thank you for your warmth That's why we are here, to learn from each other's experience, to open our minds and souls for learning different approaches on several issues in our path of self-actualization .. i think anyone who feels shame or has second-thoughts about doing this is not doing it "right". Ego is a motherf***er, heh Also, congratulations for choosing to change your life and let go of all things that don't support your growth and led you into self-destruction. I wish many people ( as i wished for my mom in the past ) would see within themselves this power and take back control over their lives. Stay strong!

Oh i definitely want to be involved!! Feel free to self-actualize me whenever you want!

Hey everyone. God,i've been waiting so long to talk to someone about this, and i can't wait for you guys to share opinions with me.. I'll try to make it short, although there are too many important aspects in my marriage that have led me into this point. I'm 25 years old, and it's my second longest relationship (almost 4 years). Our beginning was pretty steady, not very much of chasing, not very much passion.. we just found some sort of "peace" in one another, felt very comfortable and enjoyed each other so much until we wanted to move in together, after a year. He was living alone with his mom in a big house, and when we talked about the idea of living together he couldn't picture living his house. Me on the other hand, couldn't picture living there. I told him i don't want to have anything to do with parents, just with him. Because of the 'thrill' of it and my naiveness, i moved in with him and his mom. My father told us that we "should" officialize the relationship if we're serious about it.. and again, because of my lack of conciousness and brainwashing i did what my father said thinking " oh, i know i love him, and that's all that matters".. and we did a non-religious marriage ceremony. I chose to see it as "my decision" and not blaming myself for being influenced by my father, and i don't regret but i also wouldn't go on with the religious ceremony.. After one year and a half, the compromise i have made backfired on me, until the point that i felt unable to live there anymore but didn't have the courage to say it to him because i felt like i was "hurting" him somehow. Then i got close to a colleague of mine whom i talked about this, and actually encouraged me to talk to him. I felt so good when talking to this guy, that i ended up kissing him.. lol. My husband found out and it hadn't been nice... he suffered a lot, i blamed myself .. Now, fortunately, we moved in alone 6 months ago. He's great, and in many ways i can say he's the best husband in the world.. but everytime i feel at my best, every summer when i go out.. i feel this need to know someone else, to flirt.. I'm passionate about sports and self-improvement, psychology, and he spends many hours on video games.. and in my foolish ego i'm thinking he 'should' stop doing that and investing more in himself, and that that's one of the reasons i'm attracted to other guys.. He started doing small steps at my encouragement. I have no need to 'control' him, I always discuss and share with him my ideas about why i'm taking care of myself in the hope of "opening his eyes" somehow, in a non-controlling way. But i'm HORRIFIED by this fucking need of freedom or i don't know what it is, that makes me go talk and get to know better one guy or another.. i even wanted to break up with him once because of this ,and told him and he cried.. It's not happening often but right now i met a guy that is into sports a lot, whom i'm very drawn to.. we never met, but tonight, after my husband left at work, kissed me sweetly on the forehead telling me how much power he feels because of me everyday... i felt the need to contact that guy... i can't stand myself anymore... instead of doing it i thought about writing about it here... It's so painful..i'm such a stupid ass. I even hided my relationship status on fb..i don't flirt there or chase guys but still.. i want to keep it private He is a great man, supportive, tender...he could be my perfect half if i didn't have this stupid need for "freedom", diversity, or i don't really know what is it and how i can cope with it. I know physical attraction dissapears after a while, and i really wanted to believe i can ignite the fire again, but it's frustrating that i can't as much as i try.. and i don't really know in the end if that would make me "settle". I also thaught this need to seduce and approach other guys is just a mask undearneath i'm hiding another aspects of my life that i'm not feeling good about.. not sure about it. I tried talking to him about monogamy, and i told him if he would ever be curious about a woman, i would agree on approaching her.. But he went silent, as he really is the loyal type, he told me he would never ever cheat on me. BIG THANK YOU if you read this far, this issue has been on my mind for almost two years.. i was thinking about writing to Leo about it but felt like it's a subject too complex to discuss, i didn't manage to cover up all the aspects here neither, and unfortunately i can't afford counseling. Have you ever been in such a situation? Looking forward from your replies.

Thank you all. I must update, that although i told him the truth and he accepted it, i'm in a situation in which i cannot ACTUALLY leave because of some financial problems.. i would have to go leave at my parent's in the end who leave in another city near me ( i hate living there 'cause they are old-fashioned and my mom would worry about "leaving him alone" all the time ) .. this would be temporary as i plan on looking for a job and settling in bigger city in the end. Also, now, even though i cannot leave for good because of lack of money..i consider living there for a few days/weeks.. in order for me to be actually separated and not try to resist again.. Meh

@The Son Oh thank you so much.. you really put a big smile and an actual tear of joy in my eyes I told him i don't want him to see me as his only reason to fight for in life... can't wait for him to be truly happy.. Can't wait for the rest of my life,been missing it a lot, heh.. Thank you again.

@walterwego I'm really sorry for what happened to you.. I can't say i'm as strong as you think because actually i kissed a guy too, so... I just wanted to stop being tempted to cheat.. I guess the wise thing for you would be to make your best to leave it all behind, because in the end your kids will want you to be happy, and i'm sure you want to be a positive example for them in the long run. Also that's something that's really possible even though right now it's hard to believe. I wish you all the best, and don't stop looking for that power within, it's there.

Well.... I DID IT. After hours and hours of mindfuck, analysis, introspection...and lack of sleep i kind of went "i don't care what's next i just can't take another minute living a lie".. and in a moment when he was playing i told him i need to speak to him. I said "you wanted me to be honest with you...please don't ever guilt yourself or think you should have done better..it's the hardest decision i ever had to make in my life but...i want to be free." I panicked as he went out of the house saying "i don't want to break anything around here", and it hurt seeing him burst into tears walking down the stairs.. But when he came back, i was talking to my best friend and he said " yeah, talk to that whore, what does she know besides clubbing and having fun"..." go on live your life with your dreamy friends.. why did i met you and wasted 4 years of my life for nothing"...etc. I know that's all rage.. the problem now, is that neither of us want to go back to living with our parents again.. we also have financial problems, having a rent and credit at the bank, and we're kind of "room colleagues"..until...well i don't know until when. He asks me once in a while if i need him to buy something.. I told him to eat something cause i can't stand watching him destroy himself because of me.. and that's kind of how it is now. I feared that if he would make me promises and beg me for another chance i will accept... because honestly don't know where to go now and what to do next,but.. I just can't wait for it to be over. I'm so sick of drama.Even though there's so much more to come when our parents and everyone else will find out. Eh...i guess "this too, shall pass" as they say. Thank you for your interest if you shared your opinion with me. Being open here really gave me power. Your words helped me to stop denial and start self-acceptance.. Really wish all of you the best!

@Trucesea_kr I wrote my story in order to gain better objective perspective to change this. In search of my own strength i'm VERY happy for inspiring you to acces yours and make the move. Honest congratulation! Hope i'll get there soon..

@Sarah_Flagg Thank you for your openness. After much introspection i was able to see there's something i'm running away from,i have fear of loneliness and independency... i'm accepting this because of the "confort". I was also thinking too much about his pain and the reaction of other people to our break-up, my parents reaction... I also know all these are just false reasons meant for me to resist change. Do you suggest any ways in which i could fill my void in order to have a more sane relationship in the fluture? Also, i'm not quite sure i understood the last part, about imagining no men when leaving. Do you mean i should see the possibilities for me to grow without needing a man beside me?

In which ways do you consider yourself more evolved than him? Do you really think there's something he could do in order to be 'enough'? Because i've come to the realisation that i feel the way i feel because i cannot simply accept the way i am and that wanting something else is perfectly fine.. in both of our cases we haven't had much experience so in time we learned what we would, or wouldn't like it to be like.. Maybe you should try to think about fulfilling your "needs" yourself, otherwise in the next relationship you'll still be wanting something from that guy. I don't know if you watched Leo's vid about "bad relationships". It's been hard for me to recognise i'm in a co-dependent relationship but I also understand where some of my fears come from now. Maybe it will help you too

@MonikaBcn Your words were just perfect. Thank you

@The Alchemist I thought about that "something inside me that seeks expression" that you mentioned. It sounds deep and true. I tricked myself into thinking i could find another way of 'expressing' myself into the relationship, but i always end up wanting to be free.. maybe that's the very thing that i must express and i've just been fighting against it.

I want to thank you guys for your honesty, your replies were the "cold shower" that i needed in order to confront the truth and not find excuses.. though i'm still not done confronting it, and i must start acting upon it. I felt the need to accept it mentally in order to find the courage to do it, but.. Since i wrote i kind of entered into a 'analysis paralysis' state in which i overthink it, i feel scared everytime i imagine starting the discussion and seeing him cry.. i know i'm egotistical, i should think about the fact that i'm actually "saving" him, doing both of us a favour, instead i just numb thinking about it. The next day when i wanted to talk to him he bought me flowers, making it easy for me to postpone again.. He sensed something wrong before this, but told me " i'm not asking you because i don't wanna get sick again" .. lol. I know it's stupid and we're both avoiding the elefant in the room. He's buying flowers and tells me video-games are a way to 'escape' boredom and enjoy the landscapes in there, that he'll go to the gym.. He thinks he can "save" this by doing stuff and i must try to make him understand it's nothing he can do, that i just wanna be free.. On the other hand i'm aware this isn't about him, and even if he couldn't GET IT now, but he will eventually...as i will too.. I watched Leo's videos about "how to overcome fear", "bad relationships". "how to deal with a break-up", in order to shift my negative thoughts and see the posivites too, hoping that would inspire me to act. And yes, i enjoy thinking about the possibilities of the future and advantages which could come out of this,but..i'm still numb and scared. Fuck it. I know i'm victimizing and it's not helping. This thinking keeps me blocked, that because of it i cannot act, and the fact that i see myself weak. I should just let the words fly out of my mouth, and take a leap of faith. I wish i could JUST DO IT. I've decided to keep up writing here about how i progress, in order to raise my awareness and maybe inspire someone who reads it and knows what i'm saying. I really want t some of these days to finally write " I DID IT. It's depressing, but eliberating at the same time.Thank you guys for hepling me open my eyes. I can now grow stronger."

@kalter000 The possibility of abandoning him breaks my heart.. and literally bring me to tears.. i'm either too coward to do it, or i guess i'm not sure if it's the right thing to do right now. I still somehow think i could find a way to work things out.. otherwise i'll blame myself for it.. he talks about developing his business "some day" and tells me he's excited for our future.. Don't really know how to find the "certainty" of a right decision.. And yeah, i have been and currently am attracted to freedom guys

@The Alchemist I will talk to him about it,definitely.. again. I wish i could find other ways for my "something" to express.. We already had a few conversations about this, but he thaught/hoped it's nothing serious and i will get over it. But i must develop the discussion more.. thank you for your reply and honesty.