Gili Trawangan

Welcome to Infinity.

In the end, I had sex with the girl who had checked in the dorm yesterday. She checked in at midday, we exchanged contacts, met up at the beach around three and spent the rest of the day together. She's a fun and good-looking girl, I was attracted to her and her to me. We had sex outside the hostel, in the bushes, there was nowhere else to go... during the act she told me she wasn't sure if I was into her earlier. I know how to hold back. I'm reminded that I'm my most attractive self when there's no masturbation going on. My voice gets deeper (the difference is huge for me), I'm more confident. And this is stuff that most guys report when going on nofap. The problem is that in Vietnam I don't find most girls interesting enough. Both girls I got involved with during this holiday were westerners, a Czech and an American. Vietnamese women are much more reserved, usually not intellectually stimulating, hard to flirt with. On this forum people would say they are stage Blue. Anyway, I couldn't have asked for a better holiday, it was perfect. Two days left to go, but I feel re-energized. Some changes need to happen when I get to Saigon, in order to keep the momentum and improve quality of life.

Strong eye contact. Relaxed body language, you're a rock. Leave her wondering about you, be ambiguous, mysterious. Touch her lightly every now and then but not too much. Make the conversation light and humorous. She needs to want to come back for more. Good luck.

Karma: for every action there's a reaction. I had three coffees before 1pm. The body-mind reacts with self-defeating thoughts and sexual desire. Hence the last post. It shows me how crucial wisdom is. In something as small as having an extra cup of coffee.

Please do not commit suicide. Give it a little bit of time, accept your emotions. It's ok to feel bad, really. It's ok. I can't give you any practical advice, I sympathize with your position, it's a difficult one for sure. But I can say that it will get better, don't trust catastrophic thoughts. Give it a bit of time, you WILL feel better and a solution will present itself. You are loved. You are loved by the entire universe, even if it doesn't feel that way right now. It's ok to cry, it's ok to not feel good. Hang in there.

This holiday has served another purpose besides learning how to drive and having fun. It was a way of staying away from sex/masturbation/porn addiction. It has worked, I've been so busy, always outside, and living in a dorm room, so I can't indulge in those things. But it feels like it's here, underneath it all. Some underlying need for sex or intimacy. Seeking. The first week of holiday felt amazing, perfection, like nothing needed to be changed. But as time passes, the urges come. Today another girl checked into the dorm and I felt an immediate pull towards her. And if I'm not mistaken she's attracted to me too. But it somehow doesn't feel like it's coming from a good place, it's raw desire combined with the thought 'it's the addiction kicking in'. I KNOW this is wrong thinking, none of it is really true. It's the mind coming up with problems to solve. Just Being isn't enough, there have to be thoughts and the feelings that come along. And it doesn't feel good. Maybe it is the addiction, I just feel like masturbating and ending the desire. The desire makes me feel vulnerable, it makes me feel like women have power over me. Ok, just let it be. Whatever happens is what needed to happen. I wish these scenarios would stop playing out in my mind, I'm already thinking about how I can seduce her. Fuck, it's tricky to let go of thought sometimes.

I understand your question, but I also hope you see how silly this is. It's like asking what the nature of American girls is. It obviously depends on the girl, there's all kinds. I've dated a few Colombian girls. One was a doctor in her thirties looking for a one night stand. One was an 18 year old NPD and the hottest girl I've ever been with. She was a man eater. Another one was just out of a relationship and met me straight after, she was more the artsy type. And there were others, all were different. I would never go back to a country over a girl that I met for a week, but if you are compelled to do it, just do it. Go finish the story, sometimes we can't help ourselves, we need to see how things pan out. If it ends badly, you'll get a lesson out of it. Do what your heart tells you.

I was reading through the thread and thought the exact same thing. I've never felt fully confident before tripping. There's always hesitation, respect, humility. You never know what you're gonna get.

Today I went into town on the bike, and drove around with city traffic. I went through a Vietnamese fish market, with very little space to maneuver, and everything went great. In the evening, I drove with a passenger in the back seat for the first time and all good. I feel very comfortable with the idea now. Will buy a motorbike in Saigon and improve my quality of life. The overcoming of this fear feels amazing. Grateful for God's push, it was felt all along.

This is excellent advice. Just reinforcing it for you. All the best, it WILL get better.

Haha, your popcorn emoticons always make me smile

A few days ago a girl entered the picture, she checked into the same dorm. We hung out during the day and at night we kissed. I saw some hesitation the moment after and then she came clean, she's in a relationship. I told her I would back off and I did. She then told me "you know how to be with girls", which, I'm not gonna lie, was an ego boost. I've spent most of the last year alone, totally focused on spirituality, and was afraid that I'd lost my touch. It's good to know that I can still smoothly escalate. The other thing that felt really good is that I backed off after she told me, and it wasn't difficult. A few years ago I would have pushed it and it probably would have happened, she might have given in. I don't want to do those things anymore. I don't want to potentially ruin a relationship for a lay. Anyway, we now hang out every day while we're still here and it's platonic, and she's good company. The focus is on driving, and I'm getting better at it every day.

My first ever daytime approach I was literally shaking. She was sitting next to a fountain. It was cringe worthy, awkward, as it must be. It starts to get better after that. Don't have any expectations, your goal is to approach. Nothing else, just approach!

I did it on my own, and personally would never pay for a wingman. But it's really up to you to figure out if you can do it or not. Look, it's not difficult. Bite the bullet and approach one girl. Start with one. Then try to improve on what you did. And so on and so forth...

LOL, the Chuck Norris gif gets me every time.

I've just come back from another nice drive, this time I went on a busy road with lots of trucks, buses, cars and other bikes. Man, what a rush! And when there weren't many vehicles, I could see thoughts and memories appearing, of my past bad driving experiences. And they were seen, they appeared, they disappeared, and there was no fear or stress. It's part of the story, it's amazing when there's no identification going on. It's freedom. Then memories resurface of past memories when I did drive well, and felt confident doing it. Those had been forgotten. But there's no need to identify with those either, there is only good driving going on in the present.

Game is scaffolding. Where you want to end up is a place from which you are no longer 'trying'. You just do you, and some people are drawn to that. But as you are learning, definitely, it's people pleasing, whether you see it or not. Though for some people this people pleasing is necessary, it's training wheels.

First day of driving a motorbike, plenty of fear beforehand. There was a lot of build up to it and then it ended up being quite easy. If there are no thoughts creeping in, it's ok. Of course, I didn't go into any busy roads, only drove for about thirty minutes trying to get the hang of it. Tomorrow I'll try something harder, busier roads and some more traffic. It feels good to face one's fears.

These last few days have brought back a side of me that had been missing. The social side. I spent these days with two guys who stayed in the same dorm room and we had a great time together. Riding around, hitting the beach, swimming, drinking beer, having meals, hanging out. And it was all so effortless. There was no ego there doubting what was being said or done, it was all just happening. And the joy of it was tremendous. Now that they are gone, there is more time for thoughts again, but I was reminded of how life can just seamlessly flow when there are no thoughts of how things should be. And there's so much gratitude for life.

What a beautiful day, swimming pool, beach, a lovely sunset and dinner with nice people. I feel my energy recharging and gratitude is present throughout the day. Perfection, paradise. Excitement, freshness.

Same here, buddy. I've tried different approaches, and I think the advice you got from the others here is probably the best way. I've been trying to be more loving and accepting of so called bad habits and failure in maintaining so called good habits. They didn't go away so far but the experience of falling back into addiction is a lot less stressful without the added layer of self-hatred. And maybe over time the habit will subside. In the meantime life is much better just because you love and accept what is.

A few minutes after writing that I don't know what to do here, the guys from my dorm room invited me to have dinner with them. One guy from South Africa, one from the US and one from Thailand. Nice people, we had some beers and played some pool. The next day I went with the Thai guy to a beach with thousands of starfish in it. It was a great day, apart from being pulled over by a Vietnamese officer that literally tried to grab my balls. Actually he went for the penis. I was shocked but couldn't react aggressively, for obvious reasons. So I just shoved his arm away and asked my new friend to drive away. My experiences with Vietnamese authorities are reaching new levels of fucked upness. Anyway, a full day spent hanging out in nice beaches, driving around, watching the sunset, grabbing beers with nice people. Saved from that eerie feeling when I first arrived. The next step for this holiday is facing one of my biggest fears: driving (a motorbike). It sounds trivial, but I've had bad experiences driving a car and traffic in Vietnam is insane. So there are thoughts that appear every time I think about driving. Memories, identification, ego stuff. It's time to change the story.

Taking a holiday by myself on an island. Arrived a few hours ago, and have no idea what to do during the next two weeks. It feels like a retreat, I really can't fathom what I'll be doing with the time. Plus there's no energy in the body or mind at the moment. The hostel seems quite nice, the people as well. But I feel disconnected.

My one-day trip to Cambodia: Today I went on a visa run. Took the bus from Saigon to the Cambodian border and came back on the same day, the whole trip lasted about six hours. I took the exact money needed in dollars for the administrative fees, and had a hunch that it wouldn't be enough or that I would have problems with it. Didn't care, including when the guy on the bus told me that I needed 40 dollars instead of the official fee of 25. On the Cambodian border everything went fine, smooth and easy, but as soon as I got into the building for the Vietnamese border I was stopped by two guys who were wearing blue overalls, they looked like house painters. One of them told me to sit down, asked to see my documents, and said that I needed to pay 40 dollars. I thought "there's no way this guy works here, it's a scam", so I immediately dismissed him, took my documents and left. I'm sure he didn't like that at all. So I went to an official counter, where the officers were fully dressed in uniforms. "Ah, this is where I get things done", so I go there and ask one of them and he refers me to a hidden little room that I hadn't seen. Then I go to that little booth, and there is a young guy, in uniform, taking care of some papers. I show him my documents, he asks for twenty-five dollars, I give it to him. He says "No, thirty-five". I guess I misunderstood what he had said. "Sir, I was told that this costs 25 dollars, so I didn't bring any more money". He says "no, 35" and stops engaging me. I try to explain the situation, he says "no English", proceeds to look at the dollar bills, and then writes down on Google Translate that they don't accept 2-dollar bills and that one of my 5-dollar bills has a tear. It does have a hardly noticeable little tear, but he's just fucking with me now. He sends me away, and I start thinking about what to do. There's no ATM in sight, this is a third-world border town, there's nothing around for miles. I find another one of the guys wearing blue overalls and I ask him if he speaks English. He says that he does and I explain the situation. He says "sit down and wait please". Then I'm pretty sure that he's warned by the others and never comes back. I call the people who arranged the visa letter for me, and they confirm that the official price for the stamp is 25 dollars. They tell me that I should talk to the police, i.e. the guys in uniform who are checking passports. I go to one of them and he gives me a half-guilty, half-entertained look that says "I won't do anything about this, you're on your own". He also pretends not to speak English and sends me away. The next hour is a silly play where I try to talk to any person who works there, and find that they are obviously all in on it and that corruption here is mainstream and EVERYONE turns a blind eye to it. They couldn't care less, when I try to explain that I don't have any more money, they just say repeatedly "no, no, no", like a kid covering his ears and pretending not to hear something. The stress gets to me, I start to feel very much alone. There's nobody who can help me and I'm stuck here, I can't go back to Cambodia cause I already have an exit stamp, and I can't go into Vietnam cause every single person here is trying to extort me. I know it's not personal, they must do it to everyone, but at this point I've tried speaking to every possible person of authority and there's no help coming. So I go back to the guy who is supposed to take care of the visa and start pleading with him. "Sir, I really DO NOT HAVE ANY MORE MONEY on me. Would you please help me? Tell me what to do..." He couldn't fucking care less, it's incredible. He's now ostensibly ignoring me. And then, out of the blue, I hear a voice speaking English: "How many dollars do you need, mate?" I turn around, it's a tourist traveling with his girlfriend, he offers to give me the fifteen extra dollars. I take the money, there's just no other way, and I thank him as much as I can. He says something like "I would have burned it on beer anyway". I give the fucking guy in the booth his extortion money, he now accepts the "torn" bill and the two-dollar bills and everything that is given to him. I get my visa in less than a minute. When I show the passport to one of the officers I see the smile on his face. He's not even hiding it, he finds this very amusing, another foreigner leaving with the tail between his legs. Maybe he's right, it is funny in a way. It sure must be for them. I wasn't seeing it that way at the time though. I take the same bus back to Saigon as the couple who helped me. I thank them again. Then I think to myself that I can pay them back if we get to Saigon and there is an ATM where I can withdraw money. The drive goes by fast, but all the adrenaline burst is now over and I feel so tired. As we're getting to Saigon, the bus drives through the street where i live. Oh shit man, I can't resist this. I feel exhausted, all I want is to get home, not stay on the bus for another half an hour and then have to come back by taxi. So I ask the bus driver to get off there, and I'll never be able to give the money back to that nice couple. And I feel guilty, but there it is. I just couldn't help myself. Within a few hours of a single day, I'm confronted with the devilry in others and in myself. And goodness and generosity in others too. That is Reality, the "bad" and the "good", all meshed together in One.

Hmm, I have no insights for you. Just wanted to say that I understand where you're coming from and that this is a theme for me as well. I've kind of identified where it comes from, it's a childhood thing, but it is still present in my everyday life. Self-consciousness arises very easily here, and the idea of being exposed to others (e.g. YouTube) is usually quite frightening. But if we break it down, we can see that this fear only arises if we think of said exposure, or maybe in the midst of some situation where you are being seen. Ultimately it's a thought arising in that specific moment, and needn't be listened to or clung to. Say you're thinking of making a YouTube video. Fear of exposure arises. You identify it, see it for what it is, and do what you gotta do anyway. I'd say that this is the way forward. As always, first awareness, and then the practice of meeting the fear head on until it finally dissipates. I don't know if this helps you at all, but it kind of helped me as I was writing it, made it a bit clearer on this side. To summarize: just do it!