Gili Trawangan

Give yourself a pad on the back for those first approaches. A rejection is a win, because you went for it. Now go get some more wins, it gets better.

Yup, your post resonates deeply.

I fell for an NPD woman at a certain point and the lies, the gaslighting and the abuse got to a point of destroying my (strong) ego. It was the beginning of my 'return to God', so to speak, and I'm so thankful for that. I remember thinking about whether she would ever find this peace, and ultimately there are no rules and anything is possible, but it must be a hell of a challenge precisely because truth doesn't mean much to someone like this. I used to blame her, but now I have a lot of compassion for her, there's probably a lot of suffering going on. Who knows, right?

@Raptorsin7 That's great, but it doesn't make it so for everyone.

I knew a guy who smoked weed every day. He would forget conversations we'd had 5 minutes prior. The term pothead comes to mind, it messes with your cognitive abilities big time. But hey, it's your life.

Yesterday evening, in bed, while kind of meditating and after being connected with Love for quite a long time (no words can describe), a new tune came to mind, it happened really fast, like a direct download from Source. But I couldn't remember all of it, just found the chords on the guitar and recorded the voice melody on my phone so I wouldn't forget. The arrangement, which had come to mind as well, is gone, can't remember. Will have to figure something else out. Today I heard the song I mostly worked on this week and, even though I like the arrangement and the tune, sound quality is awful and it brought down my mood. I don't know what I'm doing with the sounds, there are 6,000 presets on my MIDI keyboard alone, it's insane. Feels overwhelming to navigate that list. The bass line is good but it's not the right bass, the guitars sound pretty bad, and I can't find the proper sound to set the mood in the chorus. In the meantime, watched a video on YouTube and a guy there had some good advice on dividing up tasks. I should only focus on writing songs for the time being. No worries about recording it nicely or mixing. After the songs are structured and the arrangements mostly finished I can then focus on recording and getting the best possible performance. Then the mixing and finally the mastering, both of which I will be learning how to do from scratch. Unless I gather up the nerve to outsource it to someone else. Lots of work ahead, but I guess it's not as overwhelming once it's divided into stages. So, for now, stage 1: songwriting. I'll devote this next month of March to stage 1 only.

@LfcCharlie4 Nah, man, very happy just Being

I went through something vaguely similar. It sounds like your mind is made up and you have put forth good reasons for the break up. From what you have described, it's the best course of action, better than the alternative. And she will recover. Good luck.

You misunderstand emptiness. It's Love. The mind cannot get it, it has to be felt. Underneath all the layers of ego is love without cause or object. Or as Rupert Spira says, "the knowing of your own being". Which is NOT an intellectual understanding, it's in the heart. Keep chipping away at the ego, and don't take those philosophers' words seriously, they missed something very big.

Mine is just Gym

Lol, what are the chances that the guy is on the forum? Anyway, your advice is solid, thumbs up

There is something to astrology, I'm pretty sure of it. I went to an astrologer once, while I was still an atheist and a materialist, and I was blown away by her, she had me pegged. Thanks for this post, I do want to delve into it a bit at some point, and this seems like a good place to start from.

@Applegarden Yes, but so far it's still quite surprising for me of course in the best of ways. I'm not sure I understand what you mean by becoming the tree of wishes though...

Yes, absolutely. Tried and tested, online gets you girls who are relatively less attractive than you. Online girls are shooting for the most good looking guys because it's what they have to go on, and they can get away with it. With cold approaching, you can get girls who are more (physically) attractive than you. This sort of mentality, which seems to be prevalent, is why when I approach a girl, and if I do it right, she immediately perceives me as different, high value. Because very few are doing it. I've had girls thank me, warmly, for having the balls to approach. You don't know what you're missing.

Do you see how the dismay was not because you don't play video games but because of the judgment that they felt from how you qualified it as a waste of time? Nobody likes to be told that they are wasting their time, and nobody likes to feel judged. Perhaps you should consider being more diplomatic in the future. "No, I don't play video games. It's not my cup of tea." And perhaps "I prefer to read books" or whatever.. The way one expresses himself is more important than the content when it comes to human interaction. Just something for you to consider

I was sitting here in front of the computer working on my new song. Some details were falling into place, like the bridge right before the chorus, which I'm quite happy with. I felt hungry and opened up a food delivery app here in Saigon, ordered a cup of strawberries and mango with yoghurt for the equivalent of 1.5 euros. Including delivery. Earlier, a friend texted about meeting up tonight to play some pool, and the Czech girl I met in Phu Quoc who's in a relationship texted me about grabbing a beer when she comes to Saigon this weekend. I haven't taught since Sunday. As this was happening, I had a thought, it hit me: this is exactly the life I wanted five years ago. It has been actualized. That's self-actualization, it's actualizing the life that you want. I have everything I could possibly ask for, I'm so lucky... life is just so different from what I expected it to be when I was younger, definitely for the better. And there is nothing inside me that wants to stop doing anything, I have dreams and things I want to accomplish, and there is a lot yet to grow, after all this is infinity. But paradise is here Now. I'm already in paradise. Thank You.

I hope so Hahaha, couldn't help myself.

@Barna Lol, that imagery made me laugh.

The realization of no-self has created in "me" this sense of childlike wonder you speak of. It comes and goes, but there's always the possibility of it showing up again precisely because there is no self. You can be reborn at every single moment, but the (illusory) entity that thinks it knows life and therefore gets bored cannot be identified with. All of this is experiential, it's infinity! Just keep chipping away the layers of ego..

Yesterday, already in bed, the first part of the lyrics for the new song just came to me. Everything I write these days seems to be about enlightenment, there's nothing I can do, it is what it is. Just now, I had to go to the Department of Justice to try to get a police check for my work permit. I have to come back tomorrow. On the way out, as I was walking, I saw a sexy girl walking on the street, which is actually uncommon in Saigon. She didn't look Vietnamese though, but Asian for sure. I wanted to approach her but got cold feet. She kept walking and I just walked in the same general direction, until my mind was made up. My first cold approach in months. She was quite cute, a Japanese girl on holiday for three days in Saigon. We chatted, her English wasn't good though. After a few minutes I decided to leave without getting a number. I can't have sex for the next few days, so it's best not to put myself in that position. Plus she didn't give me any signals, it was just a pleasant chat. I was happy I did it though, the mind tends to come up with excuses and it has to be overridden.

In the afternoon, a tremendous surge of anxiety and too much energy in the body. I feel like two coffees a day might be too much at the moment. There were moments of angst and trouble letting go. Worked on the new song, saved a first guitar track as a guideline for the arrangement. Everything is very confusing at the moment, my mind is a mess and so are the songs, with the exception of one which is practically finished. Plus I don't really know what I want to say, no ideas for new lyrics so far. I feel that I need to get back to work at the school, hopefully they will reopen soon. If I teach and spend time with students, I will forget myself during those moments and the mind might lay off.

Today I went to one my schools' head office. I had to deliver some documents needed for my work permit, and also sign a new part-time contract with them. I took care of the documents first, and then someone else from the staff came to see me about signing the new contract. A gorgeous girl, as it turns out. I noticed but didn't react, I was only focused on the contract and in asking why the salary stays the same, when it's quite clear to me that inflation in Vietnam is rising, prices have gone up pretty much everywhere after Lunar New Year. She told me I need to talk to my academic manager, I signed the contract, no big deal. Then, before I knew what had happened, she was asking me all sorts of personal questions. It took me a while to figure out that she was flirting with me. Gradually I started to flirt back, and we had a long chat about all sorts of things, even went into overthinking and meditation (she didn't know what meditation was). She made it a point of saying, after mentioning her family, that she wasn't married, she was talking about her parents. In the end, I told her I wanted to grab a coffee with her another time, and asked if she thought that was inappropriate. We were not alone, there was more staff around us. She said it was fine with her, gave me her number and we said our goodbyes. I don't know what it is, but girls are just very attracted to me lately. It can't just be my energy, because today I was quite out of it. My looks? Partly, sure, being white in Vietnam is an immediate status boost. But that doesn't quite explain it, it's more than that. It doesn't really matter, I just find it fascinating. A guy who grew up being shit with girls reaches a stage where beautiful women are just naturally drawn to him. Life has some unexpected twists and turns.

Dude, really, get a life.

Yesterday someone on the forum posted a video of David Deida talking to a guy about his purpose. The guy had got a calling from his higher self that he was supposed to be planting trees but hadn't done it yet out of comfort and laziness. The talk between them immediately lit a fire in me, I've been lazy and comfortable. Dealing with the new music software creates anxiety and I decide not to face it, I just go do something else. Well, not yesterday and not today. Yesterday I got a drum track, sang over it and all of a sudden had a new tune in my hands which sounded quite nice. Today I wrote a first bass line, and worked on the rest of the drums. By the end of the day, I was fed up with the tune, but hopefully it's just the effect of hearing it all day. The song needs a good arrangement to work, but I like the melody, it could be good. Plus, in the morning I was ecstatic and overflowing with love. After going to the gym, all was love. I meditated and couldn't stop smiling. For a while there it was just presence, no identity, just the feelings of love. Love for what? Just love. For existence, maybe. I wrote a list of things I'm grateful for and it was a long one. I feel lucky to be alive and to be living this character's life.

If you want to help her selflessly, without any expectation of retribution from her or any agenda, go for it. It doesn't sound like it though. It sounds like you want to do whatever will put you in a more favorable light in her eyes, hence the hesitation. I'm not judging, it's understandable. Just see it clearly. And know that if she no longer wants to take things further with you, nothing you do will change that. Detach from the outcome, you live in different cities anyway. Pursue other girls.