Gili Trawangan

It's funny how persistent this need to "get it" is. You'll never get it. Your mind will never make sense of it, let it go (if you can, haha). Having said that, when "you" (the one who claims to be conscious and who is asking about whether 'others' are conscious) fall away, or die, or whatever one wants to call it, then there are no questions left. Until then, you're just spinning the wheel. Which is fine, spin away

Yesterday, while being driven, on the back of a motorbike, to school to teach a class, something new happened. I went past hundreds if not thousand of faces, on the streets and on other motorbikes, and I began to notice the beauty in all of them. Usually there's a mechanism of finding people attractive or not attractive, but yesterday that filter was gone during that drive. Everyone was beautiful, you could say that everything was the face of God. Love was felt for every single creature, regardless of how they looked. I could see benevolence in every face, whether they looked sad, happy, neutral, in a hurry, bored, angry... all was beautiful, it was the first time I understood experientially (as opposed to rationally) that everyone is beautiful. I was moved to tears. Am moved to tears now just thinking about it.

I think you need a change in perspective. No pain, no gain. Contemplate how pushing your comfort zone is usually where a deep sense of accomplishment comes from. That's what it takes, pushing your comfort zone and accepting the strain as a necessary means to an end. Plus, when it's over you feel good, so you can also learn to enjoy it.

Cool, thanks. Sounds like a good system. I'll keep it in mind for the future, right now I can't find the courage to undertake the whole project... (typing this while drinking a cup of coffee and enjoying the hell out of it )

I used to be like this too. I would get into endless pointless arguments that would be nothing but ego battles. Of course I wasn't aware of that at the time. You are beginning to be aware and that's the first step. Self-observation is what did it for me. This includes - but is not restricted to - meditation. It all boils down to identification, the ego is a self-preservation machine. These pointless arguments serve no purpose other than to strengthen the ego. Eckhart Tolle has the most eloquent explanations of this mechanism, you should read his book or listen to some of his talks on YouTube. And practice what he refers to as Presence, to abide as the underlying presence prior to all thoughts.

I tried once for about a month, cold turkey, and couldn't make it stick. It just drains the life out of me and during that month it didn't seem to get any better. So I'm interested in other methods besides cold turkey.

That's interesting. How would you suggest going about it if not cold turkey?

On the day I write this, I get laid again. I should have whined sooner!

You are perfect just as you are... and there's always room for improvement.

I might give this a go later in life, who knows.. as a young guy, no way, I'll take the roller coaster instead.

OP is already far along on "the path", psychedelics won't hurt him. I was at the exact same place, and all it took for me to know was Ayahuasca.

What a mindfuck. For nearly two years I've embarked on a very rigorous process of self-observation in an attempt to understand myself/reality. It has definitely paid off, there were some big realizations. But I really thought that after a few awakenings the ego energy would quiet down a bit. It doesn't seem like it has. It feels like a never-ending cycle of thoughts/emotions, from joy to sadness, to love, to anger, to anxiety, to fear, to happiness, to excitement, to peace, and so on... and it occurred to me today, as I was re-reading passages of "Authentic Happiness", that the very process that began as the means to discover truth has become the trap of self-absorption. As the mind conditioning was being uncovered and the ego seen for what it is, the conditioning of always paying attention to thoughts and feelings was being strengthened. And that's really not where happiness lies. I know that ultimately happiness is our true nature, as it's often put. Yes, it's true, in deep meditation there is only peace. But that's not the life I want, I don't want to be a monk. So there has to be a way to get happiness without letting go of the world entirely. "Authentic Happiness" says it's in gratification: "the absence of feeling, loss of self-consciousness and total engagement". I would have to agree. I've noticed lately how I can spend an entire day feeling anxious and in an overall bad mood, dreading the idea of having to teach a class. Then I go to school, I teach the class, where my engagement is total, and when it's over the body-mind has become peaceful. Peaceful is not the right word, maybe, but it's a very satisfying sensation. Two hours have gone by where there was no self-consciousness, that's what happened. I spend too much time alone without meeting any challenges. It's true that I'm working on the music project, and it does take a lot out of me, so I'm not entirely useless all day, but I get the feeling that this is simply not enough. No social life at the moment, I haven't had intimacy with a woman in months, so besides the music project there isn't much for the mind to do except to focus on thoughts/feelings. Self-absorption. This isn't the life I want. And I definitely feel stuck in this pattern. Leaving the house is a struggle, unless there's a clearly defined purpose beforehand. The pandemic took away my gym routine, and I've been lazy to go back. I need to get this project going, launch it soon, because living in Saigon has become unhealthy. I usually love walking, and here I simply can't do it, it's too much air pollution and heat. I know these are excuses, all of this is my own doing, but I need something to look forward to. I want to live somewhere where I can take a walk and breathe fresh air. Maybe near the ocean. At the moment, it's just not possible. This is the place where I get paid enough per hour that I get enough free time to work on the project. Anywhere else would be a step back. When it comes to teaching, I'm really comfortable here. Sigh...

Right back at you. Has it occurred to you that people are different? That they feel and see things differently? Not everyone is about easy sex. OP asked a genuine question and got some insightful answers. Yours is not one of them.

This. Also, while you're making up stories, consider her perspective. She knows she's much older than you are, and that you are not a mature man yet. If she does decide to get emotionally involved, it's a huge risk on her part as well. Who knows when you'll get tired of her and start chasing young girls your age... So, it works both ways.

LOL

Was it really unpleasant at the time or are you, now that the 'me' is back, now calling it unpleasant? I'm sincerely asking, I've had a similar experience on mushrooms but there was struggle going on, the ego wanted to come back. But I'm not sure it was unpleasant or if I'm making up a story about it.

I could be wrong, but it sounds to me like you're hung up on this spiral stages theory, which is nothing but that, a theory. As long as you're crystal clear on that, fine, but it doesn't seem that way to me. You don't have to bulldoze your way into any lifestyle or belief system (i.e. "I have to move on to Green"), it can be much simpler than that. Just realize when a belief pops up, observe what's going on in the mind. And let it go. Just do what you want to do, it's that simple. If that means chasing money, chase money. If it means chasing relationship and community, do that. If it means searching for enlightenment, do that. Do whatever you want and forget about the spiral.

I needed to read this today, thanks for sharing

Oh boy, so much judgement...

It's happening right now. For you, reality is physical. You believe it to be so, and voila, so it is. Nobody can convince you otherwise. That's how infinity creates matter, that's how it creates an external reality. There you have it.

He has literally hundreds of hours of videos on YouTube explaining it. Why don't you check those out instead?

I haven't had the shift you are talking about, but I don't think this thought is helpful. If you're feeling an 'I' you haven't seen through the whole illusion, even if the 'I' is everything. Once you see there is no other you also have to see there is no 'I'. If you see there is no other but you then shift to "all there is is me" you are still in a story of ego, as far as I'm concerned. Total freedom is when there are no stories being believed about "I am reality" or "there are no others". When that happens, it is seen that what there is, is the freedom of the totality. And the totality is free to move the body/mind towards a "life purpose" (I never liked this phrase, it's full of hidden meanings and loops and future thinking) or not. And there is only a beautiful happening, an energy, without stories being made about it. It seems like, from my perspective, you're still making stories about me, about my life, about the future. Otherwise you wouldn't write this post. That's only natural, stories are being made here all the time as well. I'm merely pointing it out for you. Or, on the other hand, I could be wrong

A sad mood these past few days. Going back into the classroom is difficult, I feel totally uninspired. I have a few students who blatantly show how bored and impatient they are, and all I want to do is disappear. Plus the upcoming launch of the music project brings up a lot of old conditioning. And I say old but it doesn't feel old, it feels brand new. It's fear of failure mostly. Fear that the songs will mean nothing to no one. A sense of meaninglessness ensues, and I end up not being able to handle it, and revert back to compulsive masturbation, which has always been my go-to strategy to escape emotional pain. These days I feel like I don't want to be here in Vietnam. It's too hot all the time, so I'm either uncomfortable or I stay inside. Usually I just stay inside, I don't even get to take walks because it's so fucking polluted and noisy over here. I know this is the mind projecting outwards, but it can't be helped. It doesn't feel good.

The whole week was spent on a new mix, the most challenging one so far. It's the song with the most instruments and some of the vocals weren't recorded well enough (a lesson for the future). On Monday, by the end of the day I'd killed the mix by being too impatient. I started using compression randomly and made a mess. The next day I corrected that mistake, and every day since was spent improving the song little by little, tweak by tweak. A lot of experimenting was done as well, sometimes successfully, many times not. Saving the track on different files throughout is crucial, there's always the possibility of screwing up the mix along the way and not knowing why or how (and it happened a few times). The climax of the song is sounding powerful, I found a new trick of widening the stereo field above 100%, had not idea you could do that. Sometimes I find these little nuggets that force me to go back and rethink the earlier mixes. I see now that none of them are really complete, I will have to revisit all of them soon and apply some of the techniques I've learned recently. In the end, it will hopefully be worth it and the songs will sound good. Today I texted an old acquaintance who's a designer. I asked her if she was interested in doing the artwork for the EP and the website, she hasn't replied yet. If not, I'll have to find someone online, I have no idea how much something like this costs... And schools have reopened here in Vietnam, along with the language centres where I teach. I've had one class on Thursday and it was difficult to get back into the classroom, more so because of having to wear a face mask all the time, it's very uncomfortable. I felt extremely tired when it was over.

Why would you want to? If you're attractive in person, play to your strengths. Approach women in real life.