Gili Trawangan

@AtheisticNonduality Thanks

@Leo Gura Lol, hopefully my ego can take the beating if you don't like it Here it is!

Nice! I've actually just put out a song that could fit in. It's very much tied with awakening. Should I share it here or is that a bad idea? I wouldn't want to impose...

Congrats! What gets you really excited these days? What are you most passionate about at the moment?

I've watched some of it, it's actually the first time I've ever seen Biden speak for more than a couple of minutes. Biden has no fluency in speech, has poor body language, and can't handle Trump's "all over the place" rhetoric. Biden is just too slow-witted, he stands no chance. And he looks desperate too. It will be four more years of Trump, I've seen enough.

Things that are becoming clear: - Having awakenings doesn't end suffering. They greatly diminish suffering, but the ego has needs that, if not addressed, will cause bad moods and psychological pain; there was a honeymoon period after last year's awakening to Love, but slowly and gradually the monotony of daily life led to old patterns of conditioning to set in again. Emotional distress resulted in going back to addiction, and addiction completely messes with the mind and the ability to experience joy on a moment to moment basis. - thoughts about having no free will or there being no separate self are worthless and generate inaction or improper action. These are different from the experience of attention being drawn inwards and the noticing that all is well in the moment. The latter is a relief and healing, the former are sneaky ego tactics. Even being ultimately true that there is no separate self, the ego co-opts these thoughts and uses them to justify laziness and complacency. The ego also co-opts thoughts of immortality and the idea that there is nothing to do and nowhere to go. Before awakening, I had the sense that I needed to enjoy life while there is time, and that had its own issues, but I was definitely moving my ass and having all sorts of amazing experiences back then. Coupled with the suffering of believing in self-image. - Embracing life as a human is challenging, but ultimately what we're here for. We've chosen to come here, so denying the separate self's existence is not embracing the paradox. Ultimately there isn't a separate self, but there seems to be one and it has its needs, so it needs taking care of. This means that not addressing its needs will lead to a backlash that is very distressing. Things like proper nutrition, exercise, meditation, socialization, sex and sense of purpose are essential to feeling good day to day. My life is clearly missing a sense of enthusiasm and wonder. It needs a change. After this first single release, I need to make changes to my life, this isn't working. I need to get out of the house more. The medium-term goal is to leave this city altogether, but for now that's not possible, so I will rent a motorbike next month and finally take the plunge and start driving around. Staying in all the time has wreaked havoc in the psyche.

The advice you're getting here, whilst beneficial, will not make you better with women. I didn't read the whole thread, but it sounds like you're inexperienced and therefore you naturally fucked up on the date. It happens. What you do is learn from it (you have) and date another girl. You make another mistake, you learn from it, you adjust and you go again. Until you get it. When it clicks, it clicks. But I would definitely drop the porn altogether, you need that high level of testosterone to go all out and the girls will feel that. Self-esteem is of course wonderful, but it takes years to develop. You're 31, prime of your life, don't waste time thinking you need to get to a certain place internally in order to be successful at dating. Not true. What you need is to learn Game.

This is a problem, rumination is a result of not being busy. Find something to do and to keep busy. If I were you, I would start a project. One that keeps you busy and uses the mind to find solutions and learn how to get that project underway, instead of ruminating. What are you passionate about?

One week til the first single is released. It's really no big deal, my promotion efforts have fallen flat so far, so it will not be heard by more than a few people. Which is fine, but it's funny how this whole process has wreaked havoc in the psyche. It's facing one of my biggest fears, which is to become visible. To (seemingly) be seen by others. I try telling myself that there are no others, and I am not this body, but it doesn't work. It's clear that the understanding of nonduality is merely intellectual at this point, and the body/mind feels separate. Which is why there is so much anxiety and fear. There is the fear of failure, rejection, even the fear of success. Ever since I was a child, I've always had the need to hide. It started of course within the family, and it grew from there. I wanted to escape, to run away, to never be seen or talked about again. It was visceral, and a mild version of that old pattern has been coming back lately. Thank God it's a mild version, because I remember it being hell when I was younger. So, in that sense, much progress has been achieved, now that I think of it. Still, I feel that this whole project, aside from being about making music, is about facing those fears. It's as if the so-called higher self wants me to see through the illusion of such fears, to face these inner demons and grow stronger because of it. But it really hasn't been easy, it's a tug of war inside the mind between the part that wants to keep going and the part that is scared like a little kid and wants to just give up and hide from the world forever. In order to do that, the mind draws me in towards addictions, and it generates thoughts like "I'm no good", "I have nothing new to say to people", "I can't help anyone", "There is no value whatsoever in what I do or in anything, for that matter". These thoughts are sneaky as fuck, sometimes they are seen through and sometimes they are believed. So I guess the only way to move forward is to be patient. It's more emotionally draining that I had thought it would be. So, baby steps.

There is no you to be better than Jesus. Delusion.

Not crazy at all. In fact, you have so many (good) reasons for it, that the thing that doesn't fit for me is why you would ask about it on a forum. Is there a part of you that wants the opposite? As a man with my particular experience (so I don't speak for all men obviously), I'm not gonna lie, a girl like you sounds like a fantasy. I'm not into marriage, so for me personally it's nothing but a fantasy, but trust me, there are plenty of guys out there who would be more than happy to find someone like you for real. Oh, I have to say that I didn't read your entire post, I'm in a hurry... I might have missed something.

Haha, me too. I haven't used it in months, and it's simply because it doesn't even occur to me

I've lived in Poland before and picked up a lot of girls there through daygame. Clubs are a pain in the ass, just approach girls on the street. They love the balls and the audacity, cause virtually nobody is doing it. However, if you're asking for girls to do the work for you, you'll be alone for a very long time... you need to accept your responsibility as a man to make things happen.

Yeah, this is great. Seems weird at first, but there's something to it for sure. I once had an incredible emotional release from EFT, repressed childhood trauma pouring out of me, cried like a baby

This.

Neediness is a repellent. It's possible to mask it and get laid, but it takes work, you would have to learn game. Really learn it, fail time and again until you get the principles down. Of course, even if you are able to mask the neediness and get laid a lot, that low self-esteem isn't going anywhere until you turn within. And, spoiler alert, getting laid with hotness will not make you happy.

It sounds like most of your life has been geared towards doing. Perhaps it's time for you to give way to Being. If you're on this forum then you're aware of spirituality and what that means. Finding out what/who you truly are is a game-changer. Not because your life circumstances change, but because you realize that circumstances don't really matter. And a child-like wonder is brought forth. I know this might be sounding abstract, but the search for objects (whether it's money, relationships, friends, whatever) will just keep you on the hamster wheel, it doesn't bring happiness, as you've already realized. So you have two choices. You can keep searching for objects, move to a bigger city and start dating, making friends, etc. (nothing wrong with that), though you might find sooner or later that the fulfillment you long for is not to be found in those things. Or you can look for that fulfillment within. It's already there, believe it or not.

At least now you're admitting it, that's much more honest of you

LOL, I had a similar experience, even though she wasn't a perfect 10. Body was a 9, face was a 6, haha. She asks me to go to an expensive wine bar for a first date, I should have guessed by then. I somehow agree, because I don't know my way around and can't think of an alternative. We get there and she orders expensive wine, and then tells me she's peckish. I tell her I'm not hungry, I've seen the prices and it's not pretty. She asks me again and I tell her again that I'm really not hungry. She orders food regardless. Then, as we're speaking, she brings up the topic of guys paying for girls. She says she's been on a date with a man who wouldn't pay for her and she was disgusted. I disagree but keep it lighthearted. She asks me if she can order orange juice. I say "you can do whatever you want" She orders orange juice. Somehow she stays on the topic of guys paying and I tell her directly this time that I don't pay for girls UNLESS I really want to. She gets noticeably restless and I tell her straight that I'm not paying for her. We're splitting 50-50. She refuses. She actually says that she won't pay for herself, it's not fair, it's too expensive for her, bla bla bla. I stand up, go to the waiter and ask for half of the check. I pay for my half, say goodbye to her on my way out, and walk out. Totally worth it! I don't have an ounce of regret.

Lol, paying for the first date... I don't even know the woman yet and I should already be invested? What about the flip side of that coin? "If the woman doesn't want to split the bill she's not invested, just looking for a free lunch..." Girls are funny.

If it bothers you then it's not ok. I can't stand it when girls expect to be taken care of and just take it for granted. In my book it's immediately over. But I'm on the other side of the spectrum, for me being a provider and not even being acknowledged for it is repugnant. I totally understand if a guy isn't bothered by this the way I am, but that's clearly not the case with you, hence this post. You're not going to change the dynamics now, you've taken on that role and now you're stuck with it. Accept it or tell her to take a hike.

Nothing. It sounds like a good opportunity for you to look at your own attachments and to why this is bothering you so much. People will do what people will do. It's understandable that you're frustrated, it sounds like your friend is being stupid, but that's really not your problem. Nor do you have any power or control over what she will do.

Vietnam is not an island and they have less than 500 cases. Not deaths, cases. I honestly don't know how they do it, and I live here. But it's noticeable how careful they are and how quickly they respond.

Finally the mixing process is over. It took longer than I had expected, but there it is. I've spent a few days overwhelmed by how much stuff is coming up soon: building the website, figuring out how to promote the release, it's a lot to do. I took a look at what the priority is, and the priority is actually mastering the EP. I can't submit anything to Spotify until the songs are mastered. So I've been looking at the different options. One is to master it myself, which is entirely off the table. I'm fed up with these songs, and can't bring myself to learn mastering on them, it would be silly. Two other options are available: online automated mastering services (much cheaper) or a real mastering engineer. I've decided on a real mastering engineer, and the last couple of days have been an inner battle between the stingy part of me and the part of me who knows that if I want good results I should get a good service. I did loads of research, and there are mastering engineers charging anything between 10 dollars and 100 dollars per song. A series of synchronicities have led me to a particular mastering engineer who charges 100 dollars per song. That's 500 dollars just for the mastering, and I'm finding it hard to accept the idea. I don't even remember where this stinginess comes from, but it's been around for a long time. It's fear, of course, but of what? I guess it doesn't help that my job is seeming precarious. It's well paid, but lately I've been having images of being fired or gradually let go of. The school has hired at least two new native English speaking teachers, and, despite considering myself to be a good enough teacher, being a non-native English speaker keeps me guessing as to whether I'll be discarded in favor of native speakers. Not that they're better, but sometimes customers are superficial and only look at that, so the school might be inclined to go in that direction. This is the stuff that the mind uses to justify the stinginess. But I'm going against those thoughts. I've put tons of work into these songs, it has been over six months since I've started writing them. It would be pathetic to skimp on the mastering after so much work put into these songs. In the future, maybe I'll learn how to master. Or maybe I'll find out that automated services provide results that are just as good as an experienced engineer. But now is not the time to take that chance. I don't know enough to be able to make those distinctions. 500 bucks, no big deal. Here we go.

lol, I've thought about that before, certainly fits here