SantaMaria

Hi. Maria here. I was hurt many times in the past, but this time I’m truly crushed. I need your help to get my out of this dark place. I was lucky enough to have an Awakening to Love in 2020, few days after meeting my guru Krishna Prem. It came to me naturally, and before that I used psychedelics and yoga/meditation to attain Higher states of consciousness. I want to share Family and personal life issues I’ve been dealing with. My father is a known person here in this country. A lot of people know about his anger issues etc. He’s also very arrogant and abusive. I grew up watching him hit my mum. My parents got divorced, and then remarried each other again. My mum said she came back for us. My mum works for her grandfather, who’s the director of almost all the banks in Bangladesh. Regards to my father, he gave me the worst mental and physical trauma ever since I was a child. When I was 8-9, he hit my face with a chair until it started bleeding. Then he would hug and apologise, saying he loves me and that I had to forgive him as he is my father. I was taught to forgive. But he never stopped, he kept hitting me until 21. He is verbally abusive too. So, last July (2021) he got very angry and so he hit my face with a rod until it started bleeding. He wanted to change my facial structure, my face was bleeding he grabbed my hair and asked little brother Alex to bring scissors to cut my hair. But it was more of a psychological attack as he knows I care about my looks etc a lot. After he was done he asked me to take a shower and have the medicines (I felt like the 8 year old Maria again). I have a huge vanity in my room, I stood in front of my mirror I screamed my heart out. I couldn’t see myself, I wanted to end my life. I was lying on the floor, crying, my mum came to my room she touched my feet and asked me to forgive her. When I asked him why did this, he said it was because I didn’t speak to him properly two days earlier. It took some time for me to fully recover, and i had difficulty breathing as it hit my chest as well. But I must say, I feel much more beautiful now. I’ve always felt very unsafe at home. Constantly living in a fear of getting hurt if do something wrong. I thought he’d stop but he didn’t. So I accepted a marriage proposal within my mum’s family (the person was from LA) and I also wanted to do my bachelors in the US. But I rejected it later, as I felt no attraction. It would’ve been a sin against my Heart. So I stopped thinking about Marriage as an escape, it was like jumping from a frying pan to fire. I discussed about my fathers abuse with my gurus and friends, they said he is mentally unstable, and that he is jealous of my sensuality, femininity etc. A bit about my personal life, I’m a very passionate woman, people who know me usually call me “A lover”. I’ve lost myself in this Love over and over again, when I love someone I love them unconditionally. I’m an old soul, in my early 20s, But I usually find myself attracted to older men. Men in their 40s etc, when I discussed this with my therapist she said I “matured” really early which is why I attract older men in my life, as our thoughts and mind sync. I was never able to connect with anyone my age, probably because of the lack of awareness and understanding they have. Also, I have interesting conversations with older people in general. My friends, and family say I’m “40” mentally. Then some people perceive me as this serial dater who gets overly emotional and obsessive eventually. These men who chased me, cried for me, said prayers for my well-being etc. made me feel so special….took everything I had left in me, all the love I had. It went to a point where I no longer existed. I couldn’t bear the loss. It felt like an existential doom after every breakup. I One of my greatest fears in life is losing people I love the most. Last year, I lost beloved, my childhood best friend of 10 years, and a few other people unexpectedly. I feel very lonely. I don’t very confident nowadays, don’t remember the last time I was happy. My father, and those ex lovers sucked the life out of me. Been feeling very down and emotional lately, I would really appreciate your help. Love and light

@Bittu @Preety_India @PurpleTree @Raze @catcat69123 THANK YOU ❤️

@Gianna what an eye-opening, insightful response! Can’t thank you enough Love. I’ll always be grateful for this. You’re the sweetest, sending lots of love ?.

@Tim Ho Thank you so much for your kind words. Sending love

@puporing thank you so much. This means a lot to me

I’ve been meaning to do this, for a long time. I want to purify my soul, mind and body. Get some some more clarity and move forward. I talked to psychiatrists, psychics, spiritual healers, took medicines. Spent hundreds of dollars, I also tried acid , but ended up having a really bad experience as I forgot to set the intention. I would really appreciate your help. If you’re a holistic healer please contact. I’ll get into more details as soon as I some good answers.

I need to share this. One morning I woke up, during the sunrise and as I looked at the sky I said I wanted to know the Truth. A few seconds later my dad’s favourite song got played out of nowhere. The first few lines of the song said “Love will find the way”. My dad wasn’t there, no one was. It was in Chittagong, my birthplace near the hospital I was born in. This was one of my DEEPEST AWAKENINGS with no substance. Pure love, bliss.

Knowledge is ephemeral wisdom is stationary. Like a river Which survives only to surrender to the sea

I’ll never forget my first LSD. It was almost 300ug! I remember listening to Leo talking about facets of reality, meditating few hours before the trip. Also, made sure I was eating clean. Try to de-clutter the mind by meditating before the trip and have the substance on an empty stomach. Love and light ?

I’ve been meaning to buy the course. But I don’t have a PayPal account. Can I buy the life purpose course using Western union? Also, how long does it usually take to finish the entire course? Would really appreciate your help. Love and Light

Thank you for sharing @Vipassana . Super excited to get mine!

I’m living in a constant fear after my last awakening. Fear of being Harmed in some way even though everything’s completely fine. Watched Leo’s dealing with Fear videos the entire night. I just cannot stop thinking and bring myself here, in this moment. I fear of being too Big, being harmed by the evil which is not separate from God. I’m a High school student, my exams are coming up. I don’t want to mess this up, I fear these negative emotions are going to manifest itself. But then again I’m really grateful for the experience. It felt like God(my SELF) wanted to discover itself through me and that it’s my job to help God find itself by simply bringing myself into this present moment which is the Truth. I also have this need to make sure everyone and everything is fine as I became conscious of INFINITE LOVE and no matter how much love I give out it would still be less. I just got started, would really appreciate your help. Deep down I know it’s happening for a great reason, I’m still not able to solve the puzzle. I want to enjoy my life, enjoy being finite but when I try to do the things I’m supposed to do I find it pointless it feels like it’s not deep enough

@Leo Gura Thank you Leo! Love you to bits xx

Thoughts on mescaline? I haven’t taken it yet, I’ve heard it causes one to become more conscious and introspective like other psychedelics. Would really appreciate your help!

@Visionary @LfcCharlie4Thank you so much! Wish you all the luck and love on your journey. Really appreciate it! xx

Thoughts on unrequited love?