flume

Much appreciated!

I just took them with my camera. But thanks a ton! @Natasha

To anyone who has ever commented on my journal or has given me any kind of feedback: I love you so much! Thank you. Your support means the world to me May I freaking proudly present my website: https://the-inward-morning.com

Had an interesting dream the other night. It was about a youtuber I really admire who runs several businesses and has changed the lives of many people. She decided she wanted to really "help people", so she took about 60 people with different "issues" with her to an island. The intention was to "cure" them all. In the process though, the people she intended to help just got worse and worse. So did she. Everything was going down. The darkness just swallowed everyone up. I kind of was her in the dream and realised that this is not the way to really help people. It's way more helpful to set up systems that help people help themselves. Or just be an inspiration, an example which will motivate them to live a better life. Such a weight fell off my shoulders when I woke up from that dream. "How can I really help people?" is a question that has been on the forefront of my mind for months at this point. I'm not very drawn to the classical role of giving advice though. I don't dream of being a teacher or a counsellor. I just wanna be me and do the things I love. That's way more authentic, comes easy to me and seems to lift people up around me already :-) That's also the intention of my website: Being authentic and thereby inspiring others to do the same. Coming soon!!! So excited!

A wave of pessimism and meaninglessness hit me out of nowhere yesterday. It suddenly seemed like a good idea to just piss my life away, leave it all behind and become a heroin addict. These states don't happen very often, but when they do it's pretty intense and paralysing. Why keep trying to change things? Just to die all the same in the end? I couldn't be more indifferent and cold, which is quite a shocker if you know me at all. Especially now. Especially with all these things going on in my life. Things just keep working out somehow. I'm in the process of finishing my website, the relationship with my boyfriend is such a source of growth and love in my life and I got a job offer which is new, scary, exciting and probably just the right amount of challenge for me. And that's just the peaks amongst many other different and exciting projects. I'm just happy creating and figuring this life out. Usually. So what happened? Some possibilities come to mind: Ego backlash: The unraveling of attachments and identifications is definitely an ongoing process. I usually don't do more than a simple 20 minute meditation a day as far as "spiritual practices" go, but things still shift considerably. Meditation has affected my life so much, that I don't even know anymore what my experience of reality was like before I started. I might be having some kind of "mental illness" like psychoses or... Ok, let's not even keep going with this point. This just feels wrong. What I can say though is that often, I feel like the highest and the lowest emotion are not polar opposites that have a span of emotions between them, but like they're next door neighbours and I'm walking a thin line between them, tipping at any moment. There might be some childhood trauma coming up related to this new job. I spend a large amount of time thinking about what could potentially go wrong, how I could fail and disappoint people. That's pretty unlike me in other areas of my life, but in my job, this comes up a lot. This job would be asking a whole lot from me and I sometimes doubt whether I'm really ready to handle a responsibility like that. My mom was never shy of pointing out the things I did wrong in my life and I spent so much time "proving" myself. It's an uphill battle that I could never win, because inevitably, something's not perfect and there you are, failing again. I sometimes think I'm doomed to fail. It's just expected of me. And it makes me wanna throw my hands up and go "See. There you have it. You knew it all along. The disappointment I've been all this time. Here it is." @Nahms new video (check it out here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0l5ChxLFwUw&t=3583s) came just at the right time. It's so cool that he keeps making these, I feel inspired. Seeing his face got me out of the apathy a bit and had me watching for some good pointers: Keeping it light. It's just stuff coming up. Expression is key. I suddenly remembered other good pointers: Letting Go, Everything is here to help you, relaxation is everything,... Doing a bit of that, the apathy was gone so quickly that it's almost impossible for me to reconcile what really happened. It's probably also not necessary. Just move on, right? Nah. I always need a bit of introspective writing for an experience like this to feel rounded off. I just love writing too much. And I still want to learn what this experience is here to teach me. Will maybe post the writing process later. I also already decided that I want to join a workshop sometime soon that really goes into early childhood experiences and solving them. Yes, weekly therapy is good, but it's never enough time to really get to the root. And psychedelics are so unpredictable when it comes to things like that. I also really don't feel like taking large doses and putting such a burden on a trip. I think I'm at a point where I just want to enjoy my trips and see what comes up without these serious and heavy intentions.

High on life 2 weeks of vacation ahead of me. The weather is great and I'm quite inspired to get some cool things done: Redecorate my apartment, take an online dance course and some workshops, make a video, research some cool new suff, meet ups, sort through some files, visit family and most importantly of all: spend time with my wonderful man who's visiting me for a few weeks. We're really enjoying our time together: Visioning, reading, cooking, having sex, ... We also still have some trips () planned. I'm really blown away by this man. His willingness to be straight forward with me and not have any resentment build up between us is inspiring. I've never met anyone who's so willing to look inside, to listen and just build the best life for us. I feel so safe. I definitely wouldn't have had the confidence and self worth for a relationship like this even a year ago. But now, this feels like the healthiest connection I ever encountered. We're taking care of ourselves and one another so well. Openness, trust and intimacy is through the roof; and our sex is a perfect reflection of that. I'm the luckiest girl alive! Also currently working on my website I'm in the process of transferring some of my posts from here to there. Ah, I'm excited. I'm glad that websites like squarespace exist. Makes it so easy for a noob like me to create a good looking website. I still need a logo and will have to spend some time thinking about branding. Will use the coming days to write a little bit about me and take some pictures. Cool beans!

@flowboy

This world will heal through music.

I talked to my therapist about my eating behaviour the other day. I noticed how difficult it is for me to keep a healthy rhythm when eating lately. The past months, I have the tendency to skip meals, don't remember drinking, not eating enough protein, eating way too many carbs and sugar... This results in my digestion being off, irregular sleeping patterns, mood swings and I suddenly start weighing myself again, smoking cigarettes and just guilting myself a lot. All ED-warning bells are going off. I wondered what I did to fall from grace. What am I not seeing? My therapist, who knows me so well by now, just told me how obvious it is that I'm craving sugar when I'm working so much. Sooner or later, you gotta compensate somewhere. I first thought it was ridiculous to tie my eating behaviour back to work. But then I reflected for a moment: I'm definitely at work for 50+ hours some weeks. That's a lot. And I still feel like I'm not doing nearly enough. So I need to pull the breaks on this. I feel guilty though. Some part of me doesn't want to admit that work costs me energy. I'm somehow deeply convinced that, if you love your work, it doesn't feel like work and, by virtue, doesn't cost you energy. I know what that kind of flow feels like, so it definitely exists. Taking a step back, it seems like I'm admitting that I don't love my work. I project saint-like qualities on people like my boss, who work around the clock and can be there for people with a striking stability. Matt Kahn has a good way of putting it though: "Don't think about the person you want to be. Think about the person you actually are. There are a lot of us who want to be certain expressions of spiritual perfection. We're already perfect as we are, but there's a certain way we want to be. We read about it and we go 'Oh, I wanna be like that'. And we try to be like that. But is it actually where we're at? Because you have to be honest about where you're at to work through the barriers to be limitless." I'm super grateful that my therapist drew this connection for me. I'm grateful that I can still go there, all for free. God bless our amazing health care system. It was so satisfying to finally see how these things are connected. Upon coming home I actually felt thirsty for the first time in a while; I was tired on time that evening; I craved healthy meals. My nervous system instantly calmed down it seemed. Just because I finally "got it". "You have no boundaries", said my therapist. "Whether it's food or work." I wanted to throw something in his face. He has a point though. It's difficult for me to say no to people. It's difficult to take my own needs into consideration. It's difficult to be assertive. These things have gotten a lot(!) better over the years, but there are still times when I loose myself in other peoples needs or in projects without reflecting upon my own state of being first. My life's journey is really learning how to take good care of myself. I noticed many times that all other things follow this lead. Now I just need to really apply this insight and not fall right back into "too-many-projects-mode". Aww, it's so tempting though.

@Manusia I use a Panasonic GX80 with a 14-140 travel lens. Very happy with the camera. The only downside is that it doesn't have a mic input and you can't flip the screen. So not very ideal for vlogging. Thanks for the kind words Much love to you!

First of all, she’s really lucky to have someone who cares so genuinely about helping. That’s great! Here’s a few things to keep in mind: Depending on how “deep” the “condition” runs, everything that has to do with her body and food (behaviour) can be a touchy subject. The best thing there is to just lead by example: Eat healthy, balanced meals regularly even if she doesn’t participate. Don’t make her wrong for her food choices, but gently encourage her to join you. Just be relaxed about food around her. Loosen all ties around food and avoid diet language. So no more talks about “reward foods”, “cheat meals”, “making up for stuffing ourselves”, etc. Show her that she’s much more than the condition she’s struggling with. Focus on other qualities of her that have nothing to do with her body or food. Give her compliments and encourage her plenty. Could be about how passionate she’s a work, how good of a listener she is, how caring she is towards other people, how bright of a light she is to you… You get the gist See that struggle. of hers as a small part, don’t overemphasise it. Also just focus on other fun things to do together. Take her mind off the issue. If she doesn’t want to go to a restaurant because that’s a difficult situation for her, just say “Great. Let’s go for a hike then. No big deal ” In general, an ED can be scary when having a new partner. Getting undressed in front of you might be really difficult for her. Going swimming or to restaurants might make her really uncomfortable. If these things ever come up, don’t ever force her to do something she’s uncomfortable with. That would cross a serious boundary. Just say something like “That’s fine, we’ll find something else to do. I don’t care what we do, I just enjoy spending time with you.” Some no-brainers are of course: Don’t joke about the condition, don’t ever mention her weight, don’t compare her to other girls. Tell her that you love her and that you think she looks beautiful regularly. You could sit down with her and tell her “Hey, I just want you to know that I’m on your side in this. If you ever wanna talk, just know that I’m here for you. I can’t say I understand what you’re going through but I’m willing to listen to it all. Now or whenever. If there’s anything I can do to support you in this, don’t hesitate to let me know. I love you.” As has been said so many times, you’re not here to safe her. Encourage her to get professional help. Set proper boundaries for yourself on what you can and want to deal with. Don’t blame yourself if she falls back. You’re not her therapist and can’t fix things for her. People can, in the end, only safe themselves. If you’d like to talk/chat, anytime man Best of luck!

Goethe about symbolism: "That is true Symbolism in which the particular represents the universal, not as a dream or a shadow, but as a living, instantaneous revelation of the Inscrutable." "Symbolism transforms the phenomenon into an idea, the idea into an image, in such a way that in the image the idea still remains unattainable and for ever effective, and, though it be expressed in all languages, yet remains inexpressible." "It matters a great deal whether the poet is seeking the particular for the universal, or seeing the universal in the particular. The former process gives rise to allegory, in which the particular serves only as an instance or example of the universal; the latter, on the other hand, is the true nature of poetry, it gives expression to the particular without in any way thinking of, or referring to, the universal. And he who vividly grasps the particular will at the same time also grasp the universal, and will either not become aware of it at all, or will do so long afterwards." (All from "Maximen und Reflexionen") Arguably way more beautiful in German though: „Das ist die wahre Symbolik, wo das Besondere das Allgemeinere repräsentiert, nicht als Traum und Schatten, sondern als lebendig-augenblickliche Offenbarung des Unerforschlichen.“ „Die Symbolik verwandelt die Erscheinung in Idee, die Idee in ein Bild, und so, daß die Idee im Bild immer unendlich wirksam und unerreichbar bleibt und, selbst in allen Sprachen ausgesprochen, doch unaussprechlich bliebe.“ "Es ist ein großer Unterschied, ob der Dichter zum Allgemeinen das Besondere sucht oder im Besondern das Allgemeine schaut. Aus jener Art entsteht Allegorie, wo das Besondere nur als Beispiel, als Exempel des Allgemeinen gilt; die letztere aber ist eigentlich die Natur der Poesie, sie spricht ein Besonderes aus, ohne ans Allgemeine zu denken oder darauf hinzuweisen. Wer nun dieses Besondere lebendig faßt, erhält zugleich das Allgemeine mit, ohne es gewahr zu werden, oder erst spät."

@Zion Those personal quotes are pretty fly! Love it.

@Michael569 How kind! Thanks for the feedback! Much love as always @SoothedByRain I'm very lucky indeed. Even though I "only" work there and actually live in the city Happy it made you subscribe. All the best!

I had these clips pending in my editor for weeks now. I didn't know what to do with them. I couldn't think of a narrative for the video and I had a strong urge to just leave it bare. No flashy overlays with music or text, no coherent story to tell... But it feels right

Here's what I thought I'd do today: Meditate, read, take notes on a video, write an article for work, go run some errands. Here's what I did: Took a bath, do yoga, go to the bank, watch a video, make syrup out of things I found in the forest, make a blog post, edit a video, play piano. All great things. I loved all of it. So where's the problem? Maybe there isn't one. No problem? What am I gonna do without a problem? I think the self help industry tricked me into believing that, if I don't have a plan, I'm basically regressing or something. But if I zoom out in an "objective" way, I get way more things done now than ever before and I'm also enjoying myself a lot more. Inspiration is huge. But it's also hard to predict. I sometimes feel like I'm the only person without a plan. On the flip side of that, I seem flexible enough to pick up on things other people have no room for. I feel lucky to even be able to live that way. My work allows me to explore things I'm interested in and is also pretty flexible and light on my schedule. You could say it all works out in the end. Aw, it's just becoming increasingly weird to think about "my way of doing things". There just isn't one. It's like I'm still waiting for the day that I'm gonna wake up with some kind of ultimate game plan for my life. "Here it is people. I figured it out. This is what I'm gonna do with my life." Just reading what I wrote above I'm like "Eww... Something's off." Even the "positive" things I wrote feel like a prison. None of that actually describes me. I'm tempted to just delete it again. Something tells me, that that way of thinking just leads nowhere. Didn't I even write about that some posts earlier? I think I did... I've even had some weird moments with people around me giving me compliments or criticising something and I felt like none of the things they're saying describe me in any way. More on that maybe some other time... Back to the topic: It's crazy how motivated it once got me to hear Leo ramble about "creating your dream life", "getting your shit together" and "make a plan". Now these things irritate me for the most part. It even makes me a little anxious, like I'm gonna be miserable because I'm constantly missing something if I'm not "proactive". AH! Just leave me alone with that shit. It's wild how difficult it is to shake off that mindset.

Why cope with it? It's not yours, is it? The only thing that matters when interacting with other people is your response. I think Matt Kahn put it beautifully in a talk when he said something along the lines of "One day you'll realise that it's not about what happens to you in life, it's about how you respond." And that actually, the fulfilment you thought would come through outside circumstances was in your hands all along. It's exhilarating to respond lovingly in every situation :-) And if you can't do that yet, that's ok. Then you just need to first direct more love towards yourself. That will get you to a point where other people's reactions won't matter much anymore. Also, know nothing about yourself. The kind, open, honest person you think you are is probably standing in your way big time. The more you define yourself and the more you think you know about yourself, the more you'll think you know about other people. Even though you don't. The greatest relationships you can have are those where you're not projecting all your ideas, morals and needs onto the other person. Or yourself.

"Whatever you think you teach, you teach what you are." - Nathaniel Branden

This is truly a dream come true. I wanted a designated writing spot in my apartment for such a long time. Now I finally found the perfect little table on my parents attic. On it, all my favourite and most inspiring books for writing I found so far. Above it, the first lines of Henry David Thoreaus poem "The Inward Morning". My heart still drops every time I read those lines. The picture quality is killing my soul D:

In your light I learn how to love

If I ever get to look back on my life, this would totally be a moment I'd want to zoom in on again: A chill Saturday afternoon on the floor, stretching, cuddling, listening to a Matt Kahn online event with my best buddy on a micro-dose, eating lots of fruit. Yep. The good life.

Cool! Did you plant them already? You bet! A 1983 F231 GTS

Just throwing a few things out there. Maybe something resonates: Check in your direct experience that you can't actually have two desires at the same time. So there's no need to exclude anything. You like spirituality and sex and money? Cool. Make it work. Why decide? Your life can be any combination of things you like. Welcome to being unique. You're here to forge a new path not follow someone's tracks. The intention, the love and excitement you bring to what you do is what really counts and really "makes the difference" in your experience. So it's the only thing that will ultimately be satisfying. None of the things you mentioned are a contradiction if your "state" or approach isn't. If you approach an activity going "I'll do this to celebrate this life and find out more about myself" (or whatever other intention feels good) it really doesn't matter much if you go have sex or meditate. And then there really aren't many conflicting options. Life is always waking you up. How many "hard decisions" did you make up until now that you stuck to rigorously and everyday? Where you decided for "one path" and never swayed from it? Probably not many. And look at what life brought you anyways. Maybe life knows what it's doing. Maybe life works differently. Maybe you don't have to decide everything. And maybe there are no "wrong" decisions. Just maybe. It's a bit of an innocent tendency humans have to always fit life into some kind of plan or path. We're (sometimes desperately) planning, grasping, defining and defending "our way", so we can pin down our identity "once and for all", present it and compare it to people around us. It feels good. But not really. And besides, whatever "side" you choose, for whatever "path" you decide, it would never work out the way you imagine it anyways. Life is something completely different than the arbitrary dualities and small decisions we're having in our mind. It's way more magical and wise I think. And I think you already know that. "Ego" is a creature of habit, predictability and security. Which is why it's only a matter of time until these things break apart. It can feel good to have a plan. But it also feels good to glimpse your human-ness beyond that. It feels good to look at everyday, every moment even as an open landscape and realise the freedom you have. You can literally do anything you want. And you can do something different everyday. I actually take a good few moments every morning to be grateful for the endless options life grants me. It's been a great habit that has taken loads of the "decision anxiety" away. Maybe this helps as well: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R77Di7MLSkE Wow. I think I just wrote this for myself. Thank you. Much love!

We planted potatoes today (Yes, it's a late year). The gist: You put one potato into the soil, wait for 6 months, dig it up again and you suddenly have 12. Now tell me again that miracles don't exist.

I think I need a BLOG The topics I’m wanting to write about just piled up massively over the past weeks and I'm slowly realising that I'll never run out of things to talk/reflect about. Journaling on here is something I never imagined I'd follow through on. It kind of just happened. Never before in my life did I have enough self esteem to put myself out there in any way. I'd pretty much delete everything after a maximum of 3 weeks. Be it social media accounts, videos, music... Anything really. I thought I'm just being ridiculous thinking I could influence people in a helpful way. The thing I cursed most about this forum in the beginning (not being able to edit or delete posts) now turns out to have been greatly in my favour. Funny how those things work out sometimes. Honestly though, that moment I get to sit down and write about something I've thought about deeply or a new connection I've made... It's just totally my favourite time of the day. Me, my laptop, a cup of tea and a mind full of ideas: My most cherished time. Yes, I love reading and talking to people and all that, but the moment I "make it my own" always hits the sweet spot. The fulfilment I get out of doing that is unmatched. It feels like I'm all alone in the universe, tapping into the joy of seeing clearly and insight just arises effortlessly. My love for writing is just so big, I could never put it into words. Influence really is an interesting thing. What I put out there doesn't reach many people (in comparison to others) but still: I've gotten feedback of people around me saying "By watching your video I've realised this is the way I wanna live" or "Hey I bought this book you recommended to me" or "I always do this thing you mentioned before going to sleep" or "What you were writing there really shifted something inside of me". I mean... That's crazy!!! Something in their life changed because of something I said or wrote? What!? I'm not really intending to get some kind of huge following, it's just a great outlet for me. A way to organise my thoughts and work on things I love. If I can make someone else feel something by capturing the things that are going on inside of me, that is totally heaven. The best compliment I've ever gotten in my life was by someone who just read a part of my dream journal. After he finished he said "If I ever were to write a book, I'd ask you to co-author it because you're so great at expressing things. It's like I can visually see what you're writing in front of me by reading these lines." There are a few issues I have with this forum though. This journal just doesn't give me all the options I'd want. The picture quality is probably my biggest issue. It's frustrating to size down my pictures so massively, it really makes them look like nothing special. The intent behind them gets totally lost as soon as they pixel so much. I also feel like it's time to leave this forum soon. I'm not really getting anything out of the discussions anymore, I haven't watched Leos content in forever and I don't know... It's just time to move on. Let's see what this could turn into. A blog? My own website? Really? Aww, I'm already dreaming about the different tabs I'd like to have like Personal Blog, Music, Vlogs, Poetry, Portraits, Book Reviews, Best Resources, Portraits, Farming, Trip Reports, MBTI, Recipes, Favourite Quotes and a Contact tab where people can send me messages and chat about things that interest us. Or you know, just one of these endless scrolling blogs where it's just "One damned thing after another" (Churchill) Let's see. I'm excited. Many things up ahead.