Firstly, I know this is a long post. If you’re not up to it then it’s okay to just pass over it. There’s no way to make this a brief post and expect anyone to understand this situation. Questions would inevitably ensue so the lack of brevity here is a preemptive attempt to lay-out the facts.
10 months ago I had an awakening. I’d been doing vipassana meditation for a few months, new to meditation, for stress management. The level of anxiety I endured for as long as I could remember finally broke me from being able to hold down a job by age 32. I’d taken about every antidepressant and sedative on the market to manage the anxiety and I was done. I was unable to meditate until last year. Monkey Mind tormented me. It wasn’t just internal yammering away incessantly; it was abusive. My life was hell until 3.5 years ago when I made several lifestyle amendments including a cross-country move, dietary and social changes. Basically, I denounced intimate relationships and stopped compromising my diet for others and started living the way I always wanted, alone. Well, as alone as I could get on a very limited budget with a roommate.
I began practicing mindfulness. It all started with 4 alarms I programmed on my phone to go off during the day which said:
Be here now. Observe without attachment.
It was as close to mediation as I could get. It was the segue to actual meditation. I began the 2+-year process of coming off the 12, yes 12, prescription medications I was on, half of which were sedating. The rest were to manage side effects and asthma the latter of which was perpetuated by anxiety. It was a terrible process but my determination and mindfulness practice is what got me through it. I also augmented my 30-year hatha yoga practice of :30 per day, 3 times per week to include vinyasa at about :60-:90 per day, daily and started to run. My CNS began to heal. The body felt amazing! Still, the anxiety persisted. I had trouble in social situations, feeling awkward and exposed. I ventured further into solitude.
Then, after getting off of a pain medication I was on for 5 years, Lyrica, the last of the mood-altering substances, which took a full year, something happened. As I neared the end of the process I had these profound energy surges that I assumed were withdrawal symptoms. It was like these electric full-body, spiritual organisms, but I was atheist. So I wasn’t buying the spiritual aspect. It scared me. I thought I was having a psychotic break. My heart was doing some weird things too, having delayed and double beats. I saw my doctor about the heart thing and she refused to treat me when I told her I’d been withdrawing from the drug she’d prescribed me. She told me I was manic and that I needed an inpatient drug rehab facility. But I was already off the drug at that point. Of course, this didn’t help to ease my suspicion of a psychotic break. But it did propel me into frantic research and that’s when I found out it was kundalini activation that I had experienced. Bear in-mind now that, when I saw her, I was still having some withdrawal, was super-anxious, and so it’s reasonable for her to assume I was coming off something like heroin, which is what I think she suspected. It sure felt like it. I was wired, unable to sleep more than 4 hours per night and exhausted, very worried. I’d been like that though for 9 months. I was afraid I was going to have a heart attack, that 9 months of severe withdrawal was possibly going to kill me.
Fast forward another 2 months and something strange indeed happened. Towards the end of the withdrawal process I’d developed an ability to sit still and meditate for :30 at a time a few times a day. This went on for about 3-4 months when, one day, I woke up and Monkey Mind fell silent. Also, the head-exploding anxiety I’d lived with for 40+ years had disappeared. I had this permanent smile plastered across my face like I was dosed on LSD. It was like I’d been living in 2D black & white and suddenly the world went into HD 3D! This happened COMING OFF of drugs, not from taking them. I wasn’t even ingesting caffeine at this point. Everyone around me seemed to be ‘asleep.’ With my mind quiet, I was able to ‘hear’ people’s energy signatures. That’s the best way I can describe it. This ability is with me still. I remained in this blissful, quiet state for 3 days. Then the internal chatter slowly started to creep back in but the anxiety never returned. I began intensive ego work with self-inquiry, something that always came naturally to me but was distorted by ego identification. I’d been given a gift of discernment in those 3 days, to see the division between a sense of me as an observer and my egoic identity. This changed everything. I’d figured out why I suspected a psychotic break; I had broken free of egoic control of my consciousness and ego was freaking out. I learned the difference between ‘me’ and ego. I took control.
Side note: I began a spiritual path in 1985, age 16, when I read the Bhagavad Gita, Srimad Bhagavatam and some HP Blavatsky, among others. I got into Wicca, Hinduism and attended some sweat lodges which gave me some vast insight. I decided that year from then on to devote myself to perceiving reality as clearly as possible while still in the meat-suit. Familial trauma interceded though and I fell into sex & drugs, addictive living and, after 15 years of addiction-laced spirituality I became staunchly atheist. So spirituality isn’t new to me. It’s just that I never broke free from the hypnotic spell of egoic consciousness. But I never, ever felt like I belonged anywhere with anyone. I never identified with people I knew. This is what propelled me to constantly research the nature of reality. I always knew I was somehow privy to something just out of view. I wanted to know what that was
It’s been about 10 months since that glorious 3 days. But for the past 6 months I’ve been plagued with a ceaseless fatigue. I’m tired... All. The. Time. I stopped drinking coffee because I’d been leaning too heavily on it, fatigue seeping in. Also, in this 10 month period since my awakening I’d developed gut dysbiosis to the point where I had to give up my vegan diet in lieu of the Gaps Intro Diet. The asthma worsened because of the gut-thing and I was on 4 meds just to breathe. I was distressed about all that but determined to regain my health. In the course of the last 2 years since embarking on Lyrica WD I lost a whopping 45 pounds, that’s about 40% of my current weight, which is on the lean side of healthy now. I’m almost done with the Gaps Diet as my gut has almost entirely healed. The body has been through a lot. Fatigue is to be expected from such a journey but it’s been over 6 months and I’d like to know WTF is going on. I know Ken Wilbur suffered CFS and I read that Leo’s dealt with it too, that there is a connection with awakening. What is it? How to resolve it?
I’ve since switched doctors. I’ve had a barrage of labs done, seen some specialists and, so far, no diagnosis has been made, not even CFS. The only suspicious test result my GP came up with was slightly elevated cortisol so I quit caffeine, except a very small amount of black or green tea in the mornings. My doctors have no idea what’s going on. I’ve been told I’m, “a Unicorn of Allopathic Medicine,” and “a Conundrum Wrapped in a Mystery,” by one doctor and, “a Sensitive Flower,” by another. While sweet and humorous, it’s no help. I figured I’m on my own. Googling “Spiritual Fatigue,” brings up all manner of monotheistic BS... something to do with obedience to Jesus fatigue or some pre-rationalist crap. Also no help. I’ve read from some new age sites that my body is trying to integrate cellular downloads from alien entities. I can imagine this but can’t quite grok the fullness of that theory, struggling to be open-minded about it. Anyway, those folks say it only lasts a few days. The closest thing I’ve found to resonate with me is the idea of cellular memory. After 40 years of head-exploding anxiety and then one day POOF it all disappears it’s reasonable to assume that the body hasn’t caught up with this new consciousness. It’s as if the consciousness has moved on and left the body behind. It makes sense but the ego gains no satisfaction from this as it can’t be proven. I continue to research and self-inquire.
Another thought is this: Ever feel less than stellar but have a long, physically exerting day of work to do so you push through and kinda numb-out to the work? Then, when you get home at the end of it all and relax, you realize how much tension you held and how exhausted you really are and can’t get off the couch? Well, imagine that day lasted 40 years. Yeah, I’m tired. That’s my analogy. Maybe it’s just that simple and I should just go with it, rest. But then I’ve been athletic my entire life, mostly egoically motivated. So I kinda cling to the notion that I could be doing better with the body. Since I’m not motivated as much by ego it’s hard to find the resolve. I dunno. I keep hearing the adage, “though shalt not should on thy self.” I feel stuck. Should I be worried about this fatigue? I feel so limited.
So this is where I am with it all. To be clear, I don’t drink alcohol or take any mood altering substances, except a tiny bit of tea in the mornings. I take naps everyday, something I’ve never done before. I’m sleeping about 9 hours per night but I’m still not really feeling rested when I wake up. My yoga asana practice has come to a grinding halt. When I do it I tremble through a :20 hatha session. I still do vipassana and some chakra alignment work. I’m interested in Kriya Yoga and plan to start that next month when finances allow. Money is very tight. I’d hire Leo for coaching but my financial situation simply won’t allow for it. I’m on my own. I’ve made posts about this in other forums but the responses I get yield nothing I haven’t already considered. It’s that or I get the equivalent of chirping crickets, nothing. I’m in no-man’s land.
Have you had this kind of fatigue following such an awakening? I realize I’m in a vast minority of people who’ve had such an awakening and that most who do have a gradual experience. Mine was abrupt. I figure it’s a shot in the dark but I also figure this might be a good place to inquire into others’ personal insight. I’ve been watching Leo’s videos and have found some confirmation of my own experiences there. It seems that most of what I read elsewhere is elementary. What I found revelatory just a few months ago now seems simplistic and sometimes even a little nutty. I’m growing/evolving at at an accelerated rate. I feel different today than just 2 weeks ago! It’s downright dizzying. Leo’s videos strike a cord in me, have relevance. So here I am. Any thoughts? Thanks.
