studentofthegame

@Nahm hi nahm. Thanks for taking the time to put together such a well constructed reply. There is a lot to take in there, and i will need to read, and re-read. In the meantime, the erase board exercise you suggest stands out. Can you expand a little bit more about this? What goes on the board, how do we use it and what is the process? Once again many thanks. I will sit with this for a while before responding further.

@Surfingthewave my therapist and my girlfriend both say i am very hard on myself, it's perceptive of you to pick up on this. You talk a lot of sense about fear. I've read a lot about the subject and your comments concur with much of what i have read (and experienced). To deal with fear i generally turn into it and have started doing the things i am afraid to do, to desensitise myself to the feelings and grow my courage. It's a lifelong process. I am using something that geoff thompson calls the fear pyramid. Similarly tim ferriss talked about 'fear setting' which is useful. In terms of fear of loss of a parent, it impacts the wounded inner kid that i am trying to nurture through therapy and self-help. When something alarms the inner kid (parent unexpectedly not home, or one of them requires a medical procedure etc) the panic can be overwhelming and seemingly irrational. Thanks for dropping in.

Have tried it in short spells, but overall anxiety is a bigger challenge to me than depression.

I'm very happy with aspects of my life. Less so with others. Overall i would say 6 out of 10. I have sometimes-severe anxiety issues around loss. I also struggle with subtle addictions, and making habits stick. If i can get a handle on these areas (and i am working towards doing so) i would rate my happiness higher.

In my experience, meeting girls is a byproduct of you being busy investing your time into worthwhile pursuits and focusing on your own personal development and all the areas that encompasses. Imagine the type of girl you would like to go out with. Picture the qualities she has, her personality and so on... and then picture the type of man she would be attracted to, and ask yourself: would she be attracted to a person who is doing the above, or would she be attracted to someone who does 'pick-up' and plays the numbers game, in which case she is just another number.

I'm working on my childhood traumas via a psychoanalytical based therapist, journaling, and books: Homecoming - bradshaw The tao of fully feeling - walker There are several other books on the subject i plan to work through, but these are what i am focusing on for now.

All worthwhile goals mate. I can imagine a creative job is very rewarding. Steadily getting to know someone is a great way to build foundations, set healthy boundaries and do things right. Hope that continues to develop. Christmas is looming, so i can imagine we will have our challenges with healthy eating, working out etc. Looking forwards to seeing how things progress.

An observation about fear For years I have studied the life and teachings of Geoff Thompson. I trained with him in 2010. See his book 'fear: the friend of exceptional people' in which he teaches the use of what he terms a fear pyramid. In the fear pyramid, you list your fears, with the least fear at the bottom and your greatest fear at the top. You work through your fears, one by one, starting with the smaller fears, until you reach the top of the pyramid. Along the way, the pyramid may evolve. On completion you will likely draw up another pyramid as you become conscious of other fears. Sometimes, you find a sub-pyramid is useful to break down a fear into smaller components... imagine exposure therapy in manageable steps. The point is to develop a tolerance to fear, coping mechanisms and personal growth as a byproduct. I'll write more about this as I climb the pyramid. For now, i'll say a bit about what is at the bottom of mine. Going to a kickboxing class. In the early weeks and months i had to force myself to go, i would have to resist the urge to give in to excuses not to go. At this point, after maybe 15 sessions, the fear has gone. I now look forwards to it. I could move up the pyramid and tackle the next fear. However, i realise that i am really only scratching the surface of the fear of this kickboxing class. I am a newbie, there is no pressure to grade for my first belt, no pressure to join the instructor in demomstrating moves to the rest of the class, and i am comfortable with the lack of expectation of me as someone relatively new. I am hiding in a sense, and to move ahead within this class, i will need to navigate a new set of fears.

Book backlog update #2: way of the superior man (david deida) - fairly enjoyable read. have taken a couple of points from it about the importance of life purpose and owning the journey. on the downside it feels a bit contrived and a bit wide of the mark in places. as with other books, may re-read it in 5 years and see if it has any more relevance. --the alchemist (Paulo Coelho) -- the secret (Rhonda byrne) -- way of the superior man (david deida) -- feel the fear guide to lasting love (susan Jeffers) --the chimp paradox (prof. steve peters) --the silent guides (prof. steve peters) --emotional intelligence (Daniel Goleman) -- ultimate introduction to NLP (Richard bandler) -- digital minimalism (cal Newport) -- how to stop worrying and start living (dale Carnegie) -- awaken the giant within (tony robbins) -- tools of titans (tim ferriss)

I find myself doing the same thing a lot of the time. I'm keen to focus on healing old traumas and i think it's a priority area for me. But i still find myself wanting to look at other areas and i lose focus. See it like meditation. Notice your focus has wondered and bring your attention back to priority areas.

I think getting the basics handled is the key area of work and you've nailed the first step which is identifying sleeping habits and protecting adequate sleep above all else. For me, the next essential components of basic self-care are good nutrition and proper hydration, a good exercise regime, and some therapy (whether that's formal therapy or self-therapy such as reading books, journaling, meditation or whatever works for you). You mentioned structure / routine, and this is a big one for a lot of people, including me. Sometimes you need a kickstart, something to get excited about and look forward to. Sometimes just beginning this work and seeing the first lot of progress gets you pumped. Good luck and get cracking.

Good luck on your journey. What are your goals? What are your demons?

Today I have sat with feelings of depression and all the relative emotions that this involves. The feelings have been building up gradually over a week. It's been a rollercoaster past week in which i have fallen off the no porn / no masturbation habit, which hurts me deeply because it compromises my relationship with my girlfriend very directly. It diminishes my sex life with her to an unacceptable extent. I have overspent at the weekend and left myself in a hole financially. I have been in a very low mood and some of my loved ones have suffered as a result, which has left me feeling a lot of guilt. What i believe has triggered this was a period of illness, including fever at night which kept me awake and mass disruption to the core of my day and week. I found myself house-bound, prone to mood swings and vulnerable to vices such as pornography. A lesson learned that illness and tiredness leaves us vulnerable in this way and it's a time to put up a guard. I've spent some time this evening journalling using various methods and it has helped lift my mood. I'm going to get back on the horse this week. Getting up at 7am each morning prior to getting sick was empowering and it starts there; Up at 7am ... daily disciplines and self-care habits Job search every day Be nice to my family, especially when I feel negatively towards them. What can I do for them? Refrain from pornography. Save my energy for my girlfriend Step up grattitude journalling. I tend to be reactive rather than proactive with journalling, when i feel down such as tonight. Once again i'd recommend the cptsd emotional literacy journalling exercise which was posted on the high consciousness board. Every time I have used this method, i have felt relief from my feelings through identifying exactly what they are and acknowledging them as messengers that something specific needs addressing.

@Gladius a week off can be a great opportunity to get some stuff done and some plans in place. Will be interesting to see what comes of it.

@Gladius the five minute journal has a section 'three amazing things that happened today' which i don't like and feels contrived, but reframing it as 'the best three moments of the day' as you worded it above works better for me. Thanks ? Interesting to hear that emdr worked for you. It had previously struck me as an odd therapy but the more i read into it the more i'm interested in giving it a go. At this point in my life, i'm keen to explore a lot of different therapies. I am growing more convinced that self-care is the foundation of healing, but i also think there is a place for external therapists to support the work.

Journaling has been a useful tool for me over recent weeks and i'm going to reflect on the various methods i am experimenting with. Stream of consciousness journal This is simply expressing my negative emotions on paper as they arise. Some of what comes out is vicious, unfair, irrational. Sometimes i will leave it at that, other times i will go through it point by point and reframe it, in a kind of right brain / left brain exercise. The page (or pages) are then ripped out and put in the paper shredder. These pages are absolutely personal and knowing they will be shredded enables me to write what i need to write without censor. I will be using it tonight. Some negative feelings have arisen towards my girlfriend and i want to deal with them before (and possibly after) we speak. I don't want my own shit to be triggered and thrown at her when conflict arises, so the shit is going down on paper instead. identifying negative feelings journal Someone linked to this in the higher consciousness section and i've had some good results with it. It surprises me when i do the exercise and my feelings are untangled, and i find that i am feeling things i didnt expect or was not conscious of. Then it's a case of accepting the feelings as a messenger that something is wrong, which is a very therapeutic process. The final step is writing down ways to address the issue so that you are 'safe' from feeling this way again. the five minute journal I heard of this on a tim ferriss podcast and tf uses it every day. It has a morning and an evening section. I tend to use it sporadically and it's not my favourite method. What i would say is that anyone experimenting with the laws of attraction may get something out of it because the journal encourages the daily grattitude entries to be about something you want but don't have yet. For example, I am greatful for a loving relationship. This specific example actually worked for me and in a short time i was in a relationship, for what it's worth. Grattitude journal A small notebook where i bullet things i am greatful for, big and small. Haven't really made this a habit yet, so unsure whether it is having a significant effect.

The problem with multivitamins is that 1. There is conflicting information from industries with an agenda and 2. Everyone has an opinion. I heard a london based nutritionist on his podcast refute the recommended daily allowance of vitamin C as a nonsense, and that it can be taken in much higher doses daily without side effect. He then cited trials of vit C intraveneously injected into patients at incredibly high doses to some good effect at destroying misbehaving cells. Use your intuition. I supplement certain vitamins but i would agree with anyone who says a balanced diet is more important.

It's very painful but as long as you 1) allow yourself time to grieve and 2) learn and grow from the experience then you will be a happier person and in a better relationship in the future. If i didn't go through a painful (agonising) breakup when i was 21, which forced me to face up to realities about myself, my faults and insecurities, i wouldnt have what i have now. Simple as that. Good luck.

I read up on this many years back out of morbid curiosity. There were stories of lads who had done it and damaged their dicks to the point where it no longer worked. Couldn't get hard, couldn't feel a thing. Stupid thing to do and not worth the risk in my view.

I'm currently working on getting up at 7am every morning. I don't set a bed time, but i am up at 7 regardless. Thus far, it has been pivotal for me getting things done, including a proper morning routine. I don't nap during the day. If i do, its a sign that something isn't quite right. When i have had mild depressive spells i have found myself napping around mid afternoon.

Start small. Build one or two habbits a month, make them stick. Everyone falls off the wagon. The key is to accept it, not stay down too long and get back up. Fall down 7 times, get up 8.

My therapist told me yesterday that she is effectively finishing her practice in the new year. I have 4 or 5 sessions left between now and then, and that will bring to an end over 3 years of this therapy. I have known she has been looking to wind down for the last year or so. Mixed feelings about it. On one hand i am learning to be my own therapist in terms of the inner child work that i have done in this attachment based therapy. On the other hand, the therapist has become a trusted confidente and i'm anxious to be losing that. Sticking with the positives, i am keen to explore other therapies and to see if i can take anything from them. Possible avenues are; Schema therapy EMDR CBT Co-dependent 12-step For anyone with early attachment and loss issues, i would recommend giving psychodynamic, attachment-based therapy a look. It's about healing via grieving childhood wounds. I suspect what I have learned through this therapy in terms of how i look after myself will stay with me for life.

I am writing in various journals, the one i choose to use on a given day is dependent on how i feel. If i want to deal with anger / negative feelings towards someone or a situation, i will just write it out, possibly going back and reframing each negative point. Then typically this page will be ripped out and shredded. Other styles i use: 5 minute journal - see tim ferriss blog post to explain what this is for Grattitude journal - just bulleting things i'm greatful for I've found this exercise useful, as posted on the resources page:

Good work man. You seem to have a healthy self awareness, which means going off-course from time to time won't be a disaster and you'll always get yourself back on the saddle. What is the acadamy? Good luck with the pitch, and i'm looking forward to hearing about these goals in due course.

@Gladius that's a good idea. What has the wristband told you about the quality of your sleep, and do you have a pre-bed or morning routine?