studentofthegame

Nice review of the year and goals for 2020. I hope to build a meditation habit next year as well. Have a cracking Christmas and new year before we roll up our sleeves for 2020

Depends what you want out of it. If you want a long-term relationship, seek advice from people in a long-term relationship and are making it work. If you want information about diamonds, you don't ask a bricklayer.

Had the final session tonight with my therapist of 3 years. I am feeling very emotional. Interesting to note that part of the growth in attachment therapy is the ending of the therapeutic relationship and a grieving process of sorts. I am feeling the feelings and observing my processes as best i can. I will probably write about it in private journals. It has hit me harder than anticipated. I would encourage anyone in therapy to value the process and enjoy the ride.

@Bill W thanks Bill. Appreciate you dropping by the journal. I think you are right, i expect aspects of the chimp paradox to be a bit entry level. I'm looking to clear my backlog of books at some point so I will give it a read. I also think it's useful to remind ourselves of the basics sometimes. I know that's the case with me for sure. I see people like rockets sent into the sky that are constantly veering off course. It takes constant little corrections to steer us right. That little video clip is very profound. Cheers for posting. I will refer back to that. One of my goals for 2020 is to maintain even a basic meditation / mindfulness practice.

A perspective on dealing with addictions / shadow This year i took some significant steps towards cutting out porn, compulsive, anxiety-driven masturbation, midweek drinking and various other negative habits such as gossiping and judging others. My pattern when engaging in these behaviours has been to binge, burn out, vow to stop doing it and then relapse months later. This year i removed some of the triggers. This was both easy and difficult, and meant making some sacrifices. However, the behaviours have crept back recently as i have been ill and stressed. My current thinking is that when i am tired and stressed, the conscious filter is down and these insidious compulsions creep back in. It is not for me to assume that, after the latest binge and period of remorse, that i am finished watching porn; that leads to complacency. Instead, if it is the case that tiredness and stress leads to relapse, then i need to double down and focus fully on self-care, and abstaining (escaping) from these negative behaviours shall be a byproduct. It's not a moral thing with porn and these other behaviours. It's cause and effect. It impacts my life in a negative way and i am much healthier physically and mentally when i don't indulge in it.

I think the most important habit i can implement for myself at this point in time is getting out of bed at the same time every morning. I get so much more done in my day if i am up at a decent hour. Mentally, sleeping in late puts me in a catching-up and excuse-making state of mind for the rest of the day. It's not a habit i've made stick yet. For someone else, the answer may be different.

If you don't find a lot of girls attractive then i would guess you aren't spending enough time in the right settings. I'm not necessarily speaking about going to an art gallery and looking for a date. You're more likely to meet a girl as a byproduct of developing yourself (not sat in a room contemplating, but getting out of the house and doing different things). I see a lot of people on this board using intellectual smokescreen to kid themselves and others that they don't want a romantic partner, when actually it's their fear speaking; i'm not suggesting this is the case with you, but be aware of that trap.

A look back at 2019 for a bit of a post-match analysis. Highs and lows. Negatives Did not use the gym or find consistency in my diet Struggled to make good habits stick such as a morning routine Spent much time in my comfort zones and neglected certain areas of my life such as friendships Spent very little time picking up my guitar Positives Completed my masters degree Finished my third year of psychoanalytical therapy Am now 6 months into a relationship with a girl i love Turned 36 years old Gained a deeper understanding of myself and what I need to do in life to maintain balance Returned to a kickboxing class and began to face my fears

Notes from 3 years of therapy Had the penultimate session with my therapist last night. Attachment-based, psychoanalytical therapy that I have been doing with her for a little over 3 years. One of the underpinnings of this style of therapy is that you form a safe and secure attachmemt with the therapist. Last nights session was the last heavy session. Our final one in a fortnight will be a bit lighter. I can feel that I am grieving the end of this relationship. I felt low during the remainder of the evening and my sleep was disturbed. This is entirely to be expected and is a part of the process. I have picked up a few tools from these sessions and I feel better equipped to continue to gradually heal my early wounds. I have done some grieving and still have much to do. I have some good books that support this process. I will consider other forms of therapy in the future.

Ah i see Is english not your first language??

@Gladius Thanks man Glad you enjoyed the six pillars of self-esteem. From the first few pages i read, i found it a very dense book with lots to chew over. I've delayed reading it until i can focus on it, take notes etc. For now, I've streamlined my reading list, because it's growing all the time as i can't stay out of bookshops. Not so much streamlined but torn up and am starting again. I'm keeping smaller lists this time. Current reading list: Homecoming (bradshaw) The tao of fully feeling (walker) The highly sensitive man (falkenstein) Once these are done, i'm going to try and discipline myself to read one book at a time and do the work. If it means i read one book a month, so be it.

I'm not one to make new years resolutions, but something i am going to prioritise is spending more time outdoors, especially as my landscaping career winds down and i start a new career indoors. Eventually when i have the space i would love a dog. The discipline of getting up early and walking in the woods, and the solitude. It's what i feel i need. In the meantime, i'm looking forwards to some hiking, some fishing, maybe some wild camping. I will lay down some goals for 2020, for the purpose of doing a 'post-game review' as tim ferriss would call it at the end of 2020. I'm not sure where i stand on goal setting, writing down tangible targets and so on. I tend to shy away from doing such a thing, for some reason. I will ponder on it.

Some books added to the reading list: Six pillars of self-esteem - nathanial branden The highly sensitive man - tom falkenstein The miracle of mindfulness - thich nhat hanh Together with the tao of fully feeling (pete walker) and homecoming (john bradshaw) these books have now jumped the queue.

@Gladius i now have the book six pillars of self-esteem. It's going on my urgent reading list. I'll take a look at that lecture too. I like back to basics goals. We all veer off course in subtle or big ways, it's about getting skilled about going back to basics and back on track, every time. Keep it up.

I'd look at books on diets for good brain health and gut health in particular.

Like most things, quality sleep is subject to a network of different systems working in synergy. Diet is definitely one, but it's not the only area, so look at it wholistically.

Yes. Not just via meditation. Use your brain for problem solving and chasing down fears. A bit of grattitude practise. There are lots of ways to work the mind like a muscle, and some of the best ways of working it also bleed over into the rest aspect as well. Feed it with quality information.

I would say more remarkable is the use of the blue, triangular 'A'. Which has underground connotations of a different sort altogether.

I think it's about balance. There's no growth in comfort and growth is healthy. People need to pursue growth and challenge fears. But sometimes we need a bit of rest and relaxation and that means a bit of comfort.

Do what you can, but this sounds as if professional intervention is needed.

Broadly speaking i categorise my issues into one of two camps; a challenge or a serious threat. Things like subtle addictions, bad habits / inability to maintain good habits, jealousy and envy issues, performance anxiety etc. are a challenge for me. I deal with them from a place of motivation to grow and better myself. The possibility (and eventuality) of loss (primarily of a parent) i feel as a threat to my survival and my ability to function or cope. It's been a lifelong, debilitating fear to me of losing a parent. I didn't have a great start in life in many respects and come from a broken home, but love each parent a great deal. I am highly motivated to deal with the underlying issues so that i will eventually grieve such losses in a healthy 'normal' way. There is a fear-driven urgency for me to keep looking for answers as to how to stop this looming fear from affecting me to the extent that it does. I empathise with anyone whose issues genuinely feel a threat to their survival. Life is a quest in many regards and managing these issues is one of the grandest.

I don't have late nights out with friends very often anymore. When i do, i need better control over the environment and the lower consciousness behaviours. That has been a lesson learned over the last couple of weekends. If i have to 'be that person' who travels by himself, leaves early, rooms by himself or whatever i feel necessary, then so be it. I am focused on bettering myself. Working towards my goals, developing my relationship with myself, my girlfriend and my family. @Gladius thanks mate. Are you still involved in muay thai or any other martial arts?

Keep it going. The jobs, women and the external that you talk of often arrive as a byproduct of the self-care that you are focusing on. If it seems counter intuitive, think of it from the employer or potential girlfriends point of view... be the person who would attract these people... i.e. a potential girlfriend will have a sense that you are healthy and grounded and congruent through your self care habits. And i say this as a reminder to myself, as my self-care habits and boundary setting has slipped and it's time to get back on the horse. It's the foundation of everything we want to accomplish. Thanks for letting me drop by ?

@silene hi silene. To answer your question, i'm 36. I do have ambitions of having a nice family of my own and being a parent and im lucky enough to have a girlfriend who i love. I can well imagine that becoming a parent myself will create a shift in dynamics and mentality. In terms of leaning on my partner when the time comes, there is a challenge there in itself, as when i am distressed i tend to seek either the support of my father, or to run away like a wounded animal. Thanks for your response and like the others, i will spend some time today pondering on this.

@LeoX8 hi mate. Thanks for that. It sounds like some kind of worst case scenario meditation. Accepting the fear, as you put it, is my biggest challenge i think.