studentofthegame

Sorry to hear you had a rough few days. I think you are right to feel and process the emotions and not to smother them with a blanket, whether it be alcohol or whatever. And when you have done that, then self-love is next, as you say. Sometimes we know what we have to do but it's hard, there's resistance, or we lose a bit of faith in what works. Sometimes it's good tp talk to people close to us for a little boost. Sometimes we have to take it a day, or even an hour at a time. Set backs can be very difficult. I can relate at the moment and am going through a rough spell. I'll talk about it over in my journal this week. Even the thought of writing about it has been causing me even more anxiety than i've already been feeling. As usual, i think i need to go back to basics. Have i been eating, sleeping and exercising right? Definitely not. It's tricky that sometimes these very things that we need the most are the most difficult things to do when we are down. I am going to take hypericum pills for two months to see if it helps with some of the low-level depression and anxiety ( i know you have had some results with this herb ). Hope things pick back up soon man. Keep it up

@Bill W 'Each job eventually consumes me'. Man can i relate to that. That has been the case with me every job i've had. I struggle with the pressure of working for someone else and all that entails. I don't know whether i would be better off self-employed, or working at 2 or 3 jobs part time so that i'm not always in the same place. The idea of the 5 days on, 2 days off model has always filled me with dread. I don't see myself a lazy person either. Just someone who needs a degree of autonomy. What changed in 2020 to bring the 'monster under the bed' stuff up for you?

@Gladius yeah you are right mate. I've definitely not been looking after myself lately. I have been binging on caffeine throughout the day for example. As for finding the adult and nurturing the kid, that remains a lifelong process for me i think. Are you currently working full time?

@Bill W hello bill. Good to speak to you. What i found overwhelming was the tiredness (up at 6, hour drive each way), the change in environment from labouring outdoors to a disciplined and structured environment (i'm now working at a secure hospital) and generally the inability to pick my own days and times like i have been doing for many years previously. I am no longer my own boss. It is a positive move, i went to university for 5 years for this job. Perhaps more interestingly and relevantly to our work here, the school refuser in me and the child state kicked off. I'm in my mid 30's but last week and this weekend to some extent, was the scared little lad again who wanted his mum. I think it's a case of adapting and settling and the signs are that i am doing that. I've tried to watch the process from the perspective of the observer, but i have got myself caught up in the storm once or twice. (Literally, as you'll know being in london at the minute pal ?)

Week two in new job. Week one was a bit overwhelming. I'm having an insight about how sensitive i am to change. Bullet journalling has stalled, although i expect to resume with a simplified list. 5 items or less. I can drop items such as wake up on time, eat every 3 hours, sip water throughout day because my job now dictates this for me and is much less effort as a result. Some sort of mindfulness practise will definitely be one of the items, will detetmine the others soon.

@Gladius loneliness is a funny thing sometimes. It's an old cliche but i can feel lonely in a room full of people. Possibly while feeling overwhelmed at the same time. Also i'm finding that being on a path of self-improvement can be a lonely experience. At the same time, you will meet like minded people as a byproduct.

Thanks man. That is the plan. Will give it a week or two and see how my routine will fit around the job. Currently i am sliding on positive habits but the new schedule will provide an opportunity to reboot. Will update.

Sounds like a belting trip! Are you in the uk?

35 is still relatively young. I am 36 and a half. How much time do you spend on morning affirmations? I have a few typed out in a notes file on my phone. I wonder whether 10 minutes would be significant. Keep it up!

Start my first graduate position next month. It will be my first conventional job in 15 years. I will use the structure and routine that the set working hours will bring to lock in some good habits.

You have options. You could try not focusing specifically on overcoming a porn addiction, but instead switch your focus to general personal development and 'move away' from porn addiction that way. The addictions grip on you may lessen as a by-product. Think about the environment and the triggers that lead to relapse, and if you are able to remove them (maybe you block adult websites on your phone, move your laptop out of the bedroom). You could look at the 12-step model or any other therapy. It might be that the porn addiction is a symptom of childhood wounds, or depression, there could be biological factors. It's your job to inquire and to take action. Good luck.

Be productive. Don't sit around marinating in any negativity.

A few days in and i'm considering a tweak to my daily journal checklist Up at 7 am Eat every 3 hours Sip water throughout the day Exercise Meditation / breathing app Practise guitar

I'm experimenting with keeping a bullet journal, written daily to reflect on the day before, in order to help me keep on track with some personal care and some goals. Currently I will be ticking or crossing 6 points: Up on time Meditate / use breathing app (time) Exercise (football / kickboxing / weights / other) Eat well and stay hydrated Practise guitar Take a photograph I may add more, for now I'm keeping it simple.

@Gladius thank you my man. You are right.

@Gladius great work in the gym. I read the way of the superior man last year. I still don't quite know what to make of it. Worth a look. I am currently working through the highly sensitive man (falkenstein), homecoming (bradshaw) and the tao of fully feeling (walker) which i know you have read

I tend not to use this journal to moan or express negativity but i'm going to do so today to acknowledge some shadows. I feel lost today. I lack the motivation to do anything constructive. I want to stay indoors on the xbox. Unlocking achievements is giving me that instant gratification that my lower self wants. I am aware that the boundary i have between anxious arousal and sexual arousal needs strengthening. In the past anxious arousal usually led to fap, which would relieve some of the feelings, but at the same time i believe it feeds the habit. Today, after my girlfriend left for work, i was in a slightly anxious state and had to resist the urge to fap. What is disturbing to me is that when i am in this anxious/aroused state, i tend to picture my girlfriend with other men, which intensifies the anxiety and thus the arousal. It is a loop that i want out of, a dog that i need to stop feeding. My goals feel very far away and out of reach. I am currently lacking the energy to take small steps. I don't know if i am experiencing some low level depression or dysthimia. I am constantly seeking comfort, beginning in the morning during which time i want to sit around drinking tea; making breakfast seems like a massive effort. I have been short-tempered and irritable over the last week or so. I am anxious about life and future losses that i will have to deal with.

@youngshinzen That is inner child work if ever i have seen it. Beautiful. Thanks for sharing.

I received attachment based therapy for around three years. It is about gently discovering early trauma, feeling the feelings (grieving / angering) and healing as a result. I'd recommend it. A related book i am slowly working through is 'homecoming' by john bradshaw. Also recommended to me on here is a great book by pete walker 'the tao of fully feeling'. I'd encourage you to research these books and give them a go. A journalling practise may be useful. Feel the feelings as they come up. A sign you are on the right path is when you begin to talk to your child state with compassion. Good luck

Well done for maintaining a gym habit throughout december..very impressive. What books are you currently reading? All the best for 2020 man. Will be interesting to see your progress over the coming year

@Gladius thanks man. You are right. Looking forward to the year ahead

A slow start to the year in terms of structure to the day and keeping up my disciplines. I'm not beating myself up. Today i roll up my sleeves and crack on.

I have the book bill. I'm considering joining co-dependents anonymous. Good luck on the course, i have also signed up. No idea what to expect, but hopefully there's some healing and growth to be earned

Russell brand is doing a free 12-day online course rooted in 12-step bill, starting 13th Jan i believe. I'm taking a look.

some goals for 2020 Get a graduate trainee position Move house Pick up guitar every day Go snowboarding Make a website for photography Go hiking, fishing and camping as much as possible Consider a new therapy Climb my personal fear pyramid Clean up diet and build some muscle in the gym Spend quality time with family Go on holiday with my girlfriend Implement a morning and self-care routine that enables me to do as much of the above as possible