studentofthegame

If this is what you want to do then why not go to college and study? You'll have a formal education, supervised training in how to write a paper and contacts in the field, as well as making new friends for life. If you can afford the time and money then i'd say it's worth it. I don't see the benefit in shortcutting the process I went to university in my 30's to study psychology. I was applying for my first post-grad job before covid shut everything down.

What i like about Nahm is that his humanity continues to thrive and grow. People on the 'path' can be at risk of losing that.

@Gladius that's a sound reasoning to stop taking them. You want to observe your inner processes and resolve trauma, not smother them with anything that alters your mind, although of course hypericum is very mild and as you say, you can revisit them if needed. There is no substitute for proper sleep, nutrition and exercise for getting your brain chemistry where it needs to be and that's what i'm focusing on. I will see out this course of hypericum (roughly two months worth) and then probably revisit in the winter when energy is naturally lower.

@Gladius thanks, i'm on the path with you, believe me. It's not easy but some understanding of the mental processes are a start. I've started taking hypericum, but i havent been consistent. I take a small handful of vitamins a day but i have been forgetting about taking them for days on end. Lets give it a couple of weeks and then i'll report back. Generally my mood is ok, the sun is out more and i'm exercising. We'll see if the hypericum gives me an extra boost. Why did you decide to stop taking it?

@Gladius thanks man. The window is small. maybe it can be enlarged with meditation, i don't know. But for me it's a small window... i either recognise that a compulsion has arisen and start to go with it, which usually leads to binging that can last for days, or my inner observer recognises whats happening, observes but does not engage, and steers me away. Either way, for a second or less, there is a window to choose. I have struggled with this over the years, job now is to develop the observer.

@Gladius thanks man. observation on addiction It's been interesting to observe the use of porn creep back in for me. I'd got control of it and was abstaining. Suddenly this lock down happens, and it finds a way back in. I could write a thesis about the thought processes i was having and the sequence of events but i won't.... suffice it to say i have had an insight of how insidious addiction is. It is patient and sits below the surface. It is like water and is searching. It will find a crack eventually. It's up to us to recognise when the compulsion is rising up, observe it but do not engage it. Put a hammer to it. There is a small window when we make a choice. I may not be out of the woods yet. But i've learned some more about it, over two days or so of porn use. I won't beat myself up, i'll dust myself off and get back on track.

Don't feel guilty about turning a negative into a positive where possible. It's a healthy attitude to have. Essence as you mentioned is good thing to think about. When we over-complicate things in our mind and practise, it's good to strip away the superfluous and excess and ask ourself what is the essence? Keep it up.

@Bill W You don't have to feel guilty to be relieved not to be at work. I know you were having some issues prior to this outbreak. Likewise, in a sense it's a good thing that my job didn't work out last month. They wouldn't have supported me through this event. I would love to get to a point where positive habits overtake the vices and become the reflex at times of stress. I think there'll always be a tedency towards the negative at times of stress, but perhaps a learned response could be to recognise it and steer the ship towards the positive before i get consumed. I know you have your working day at home, but how are you getting your 12-step support? And what are you doing aside from working now that we have all lost much of our liberty for a while?

Interesting to watch the urge to habitually drink, watch porn and regress in other ways over the last week or so. Stress can do that. I've got a little list of things to do during my days in lockdown. Some of it is serious stuff, lifting weights, attempting a meditation practise, reading the self-help/spiritual books i want to focus on. Getting outside. The rest of the list is a bit more light hearted. Play some xbox, play some retro games, practise guitar, catch up with some films and tv.

How is the work situation? Still having to travel into work? You are right, there is a lot to learn from the current situation and plenty of room for growth. Also an opportunity to enjoy our spare time and maybe learn a new skill. Stay well pal.

Like i said. Bizarre.

Bizarre. On many levels.

Wow. Were the guidelines ammended to account for covid-19?

@Bill W hello mate. Good to hear from you. I'm gradually coming out of the depressive episode. I call it that because i don't want to suggest that i have been suffering with serious, clinical depression, but it was at least a mild depression that lasted a couple of weeks. What helped me during the time period is forcing myself to be active where possible, and having meaningful and intense conversations with people. We all need a support network. As far as work goes, I am lucky enough not to have any immediate, short-term pressure on me to get another job, and i can carry on doing the one or two day a week jobs that i've been doing for years which are easy and pressure free. However, I am turning 37 this year and i want to be able to move out with my girlfriend. She works hard and earns decent money, so sooner or later i need to do my bit to make it happen. When i take the next job i'll be prepared for the emotional turbulance that i know will come with it. I am hoping to start a new therapy some time this year and continue to work on my problems. How have things been your end? Are you suffering at work or have things settled?

I expect if you buy it and play it in moderation then you'll find you don't really feel guilty. Gaming remains a hobby and an escape for me well into my 30's.

Following on from the job not working out, and two bouts with bugs / illness that left me housebound and my routines out the window, i'm currently experiencing a bit of a depressive episode. Mood and energy is very low, my thoughts and outlook are very pessimistic and fearful and i am in tears at the slightest triggers. I'm also in the somewhat dangerous place of not being completely honest with family about how bad i am feeling. I fluctuate between being in a dark place, to being the observer of the feelings, which brings relief. Today i have managed to eat well, for the first time in 10 days or so. I've been able to do some chores, and i will do some light exercise and maybe some journalling this evening before bed. Strategy is to take each day as it comes and do what i can do to build myself up. Monitoring my thoughts is also important. When i start fretting and worrying about the future i've got to get hold of myself, stay present and think about today only.

@Gladius Good luck with the selection process for the new job. Will keep my fingers crossed for you. I can relate to people-pleasing tendencies. It's a legitimate illness / addiction. Awareness of it is important, and you have that. Congratulations on making good progress on overcoming your ptsd symptoms. What would you say were the most useful methods for doing so?

@Commodent really nice thoughts. I tend to get caught up in overthinking and overplanning. I definitely need more balance and feeling in my life. I'm getting there. In the last few weeks or so i've been very emotional. Lots of tears, seemingly from nowhere. Lots of compassion and empathy for myself and others. I see it as due healing. Thanks again for an inspired post. Amazing awareness and insight.

I like this mate. What does it mean to be in touch with your body and how do you achieve it?

@Gladius Pete walkers book on cptsd is on my reading list. Thanks for the tip. You are right, the right working environment can be therapeutic. It's a case of searching, trial and error. You are also right that tears are also therapeutic. Pete walker talks a lot about that doesn't he. I also expect i have some unexpressed anger that needs an outlet. Sometimes i wish i didn't cry as much. I have found in the last year or so that i can find myself crying for people from my past, from a combination of compassion for them and also their suffering, as perceived or imagined by me. It sounds odd, I know. I assume that it is a stage in the journey of healing. I will monitor it to ensure it isn't a sign of troubles.

@Bill W it's interesting. I assume when i feel panicky, anxious or upset in these situations that it's the school-refuser in me resurfacing. I'm from divorced parents and a broken home. I've had insecure attachments, separation anxiety, intense fear of loss for most of my life. I have realised with the job situation that i struggle more with change than i thought. I am almost certainly on the scale of asperger's somewhere. I have come to believe in recent years that the root of my problems is fear of loss. Fear feels like an understatement. More like blind terror. Fear of loss of loved ones in particular. I have done 3 years of bowlby attachment-theory therapy which has now finished, but i will try and continue to develop my awareness of this field while i try other therapies, including cbt as you mentioned. My emotions have certainly calmed down since walking on the job, as i have essentially returned to my comfort zones. But i am in my mid 30's and want to be a fully functioning adult. So i am naturally putting some pressure on myself to look for the right job and settle in, before i take on the challenge of moving out by myself. I think i probably need flexibility in the job and understanding colleagues. I don't tend to open up about my anxiety issues in real life away from this board, but maybe i need to. Essentially, i have asked you questions that i need to ask myself. I had my assumptions, that certain stressful situations (a new job, loss of certain freedoms, change) bring out the inner kid in me who cries for his mum and dad. There is definitely a strong element of that. There may be more to it though. For example, when i see the doctor i am going to ask if my worries, ruminations and attempts to mitigate would qualify as OCD. I don't have the answers at the moment but i'm looking for them. Always good to bounce ideas off of you. I feel we may have some similar cognitive/emotional issues at hand.

@Bill W cheers Bill. What is going on when you are crying in the toilet, or on the way home from work? Are you suffering with depression, or some anxiety about anything in particular? I know you are in 12-step, but as i haven't been very active on the board over the last month or so i felt i should ask these questions in case i have missed something. I can relate to the scenarios above but i want to know what is going on in your examples.

@Bill W sorry to hear that mate. I would like to talk more about your circumstances if you are willing. Either on here or direct message me if you prefer. There have been many tears out of my eyes the last month or so. I'm starting to see it as part of the healing process, although it has been so frequent that it does make me feel embarrassed, even though no-one else knows. I didn't realise how affected i am by change, until now. I find it difficult.

I walked away from the new job after less than a month, it wasn't right for me for a number of reasons and i decided i couldn't work in that partiuclar setting, even until i find another job. If nothing else the experience was useful as a wake up call. It is a change in career to a more serious and structured setting and if i thought i would take to it like a duck to water then i was mistaken. The inner kid kicked off a little bit and it shows me i still have a lot of healing work to do. I also need to take things one step at a time. I assumed i would start the job and move out with my girlfriend in a very short space of time. What i need to do is find the right job and give myself time to settle in and adjust to the new demands on me and my time, before i start thinking about the next move. Moving out of the family home will be a big deal, even though i am in my 30's. Anxiety has been present, and what sometimes feels like low level depression. Today i am beginning to take hypericum (st john's wort) for at least a couple of months to see if it gives me a boost. I haven't done any sort of journalling throughout february and i've not been striving to meet any goals. This week it's back to basics, probably using a bullet journal. I will spend some time this evening thinking about what my daily goals will be. Eating well, staying hydrated, prioritising sleep, daily exercise and some sort of mindfulness / meditation practice will likely be what i will focus on. I have books to read and I am thinking about seeing a therapist for some sessions, but in a different field from the therapy i have done in the past. Possibly some cbt. Spending time outside in solitude is also on the agenda while i regroup and start applying for jobs again. It has been a tough 5 or 6 weeks but this is part of the journey sometimes and I will learn from it and turn it into a positive.

Brave move mate. But you are carving your own path and sometimes resistance is a sign that you are on the right path. Some suggested reading - geoff thompson, particularly the book shapeshifter. Looking forward to seeing further updates.