studentofthegame

Your insights into your psych are becoming very clear which is good. Do you do any writing / journaling away from this page? I'm wondering 1. if journaling is a tool to help get these insights and 2. if a journal helps you to keep track of them and focus on them. I had a moment of clarity a week or so ago, a very subtle but significant take on an issue i am dealing with, and i wish i'd written it down. The fine nuance of the insight was startling.

Have been out of my comfort zone this week, and adjusting to it. This is a positive thing. A good time to clarify what my goals are in life as things stand, while I am in a clearer state of mind than i have been in a while: -- to experience life and to grow. This can't be done without facing fears -- learning to reparent my inner kid, and to navigate through the low points in life ahead, which hold so much fear for me, as best i can -- making a difference and helping other people In practical terms, the priorities for the immediate future are to maintain a healthy lifestyle, including more quality solitude, find a job that i enjoy, and move out of the family home. @Gladius thanks man ? enjoyed your latest post. Good to hear you are dating. If nothing else, dating is a great way to grow and to understand yourself and relationships better. And at some point or other, if you are on the right path, no doubt a date will turn into something more when you click with someone. Looking forward to your next update pal.

@Gladius glad to hear you got that book ? he is one of the most inspirational people i have come across. I trained with him and one of his schools in the midlands for 6 months and it was great just to be around him. A very authentic man, i recommend you read into his background as well. You are right, he puts across health and 'palate' as the foundation for everything we want to build.

Hello my friend. Not sure what your feelings are about others posting in your journal, but i enjoyed reading. You have an inspirational backstory and i think your past and your experiences are an absolute goldmine waiting to be tapped into. It's an exciting journey it sounds you are on. There is as much healing and growth as you are prepared to work for. And it sounds like you are prepared to work very hard. I like that philosophy from Goggins. I've heard it described elsewhere as 'conscious labour, deliberate suffering'. Good luck and i'll be following your progress. ?

It has been a tiring week. I have been in the deep end of addictions, have been having exhausting and unnecessary arguments, and have had troubling news to process. On reflection a very tough week. Today is the first day i'm beginning to feel myself again. I'm looking forward to a productive but a balanced week ahead. In addition to the gym work i have been doing these last few months i want to include some quality solitude to my days. That means no technology and no input from other minds. Beginning with a cup of tea in the morning in the quiet, and possibly with a walk each day - again, with no earphones in, no music, no podcasts etc. That might be the time to attempt some do-nothing meditation. I also want to reintroduce reading into my routine. Maybe beginning with fiction at night. While me and my gf don't live together, it's a good time to be able to make my evening routine my own: write tomorrows to-do list, do some journaling, and read fiction in bed. @Gladius You are absolutely right. There'll always be backlash, relapse, mistakes, etc. It's very much about accepting them too as part of the process, and then getting back on the horse so to speak. Thanks for that input ?

I'm sure i've probably mentioned it before, but the book 'shapeshifter' by geoff thompson might help you with your transition into new jobs and projects. It covers how to do that, step by step, and is honest about what it takes and what resistance you will encounter. It was powerful for me because i was already familiar with geoff's life and work, so i know that it wasn't fluff, but written by a man who was living it A giant of a man, inspirational and authentic.

I can relate to a lot of that. I have old mates who i will always consider friends and have a lot of love for. But i can only be around them sparingly (or on my terms) because i can come away feeling drained. As for your side projects, setbacks can be like the weights on the bar you need to lift. Growth and progress comes through meeting resistance... but... it's also sometimes the case that we cut our losses and move onto something else. I'm sure you will use your intuition to decide. I have found with some things i am stuck on to look for the essence of what i am trying to do or achieve, simplify the process and don't waste time on the fluff. For example in the gym... a couple of compound lifts is going to give me the vast majority of results, and im not going to be overwhelmed and put off knowing i need to go and do loads of different lifts. Back to basics is always the way. I need to go back to basics, i have started to drift away. I like the analogy of a rocket sent to space. It is by default veering off course once it is in the air, and is managed by constant small corrections. Apologies, this way far lengthier than i intended originally!!

Hi Zec. It can be useful to use a therapist to help you navigate and process early trauma. I spent 3 years in attachment-based psychodynamic talk therapy, which ended in december just gone, and i am still processing and growing from it 6 months later, as my therapist advised i would. If you don't want to speak to a therapist, try journalling. Look at daniel macklers videos on youtube for his experience with that. Books. I was recommended the tao of fully feeling by someone on here, and i in turn would recommend it to you. You will learn that the way to process your trauma is through a process including grieving, angering if necessary and things like that. Your trauma needs a voice and needs expressing, and these above are just some ways of expression, otherwise it wreaks havoc in ways you have described you are suffering now. Find what works for you and know you will be in it for the long haul. Meanwhile, prioritising sleep, good nutrition, exercise and hydration are some practical, hands on things you can start to work on right now. It all contributes to your state of mind. Talk. Talk to people, come on here and post every day if you have to. Read books and act on the information you take in. I've been guilty in the past of reading book after book, buzzing off the information and the prospect of improving my life, but not acting. What you may find if you do this is a build up of energy without an outlet (acting on the info). Energy needs to move in and out and if you don't move it out with positive actions then it blocks and congeals and can manifest itself as a mood disorder, or in displaced aggression or depression, etc. Start small if you need to, everyone has to start somewhere and i suspect if you are doing it properly you will always feel you are at a beginning of sorts. I know i do.

I have had quite the crash this week. Some of my behaviour has been alarming to myself and very shameful. No-one has been hurt or anything like that. Just my pride and dignity really. I'm feeling low but i'm just observing the process and not spiralling down. I will pick myself up and dust myself down and continue the work i have done over the last few months. I have allowed for idleness this week and sometimes the devil makes work for idle hands. Next week i will be busier and more productive, but i will still allow myself time to feel and think - i'm not looking for constant distraction.

@Gladius agreed. As mentioned on your page, now that the cold reality of monday morning has arrived i can feel that i need to transition back to something more discliplined in a steady manner, rather than going militant on myself. I will continue to lift weights and practise guitar. This week i will reintroduce reading, writing and will be mindful of over indulging as i have been over the last 3 months.

That sounds very positive mate. It seems you have made serious progress during lockdown which is encouraging as it shows what you can do when your back is against the wall in many respects. I have found the same thing, but i wonder what it is about lockdown that i found liberating and enabled me to do things i have never managed to do before. That last bullet point applies to me very much right now. Harsh goals for me now would be counterproductive. I have been achieving my goals during lockdown without anything too rigid and with a lot of self-compassion. Keep it up.

a review of the last 3 months If you'd have offered me two habits i could form at any point over the last several years it would be to lift weights and practise guitar consistently. I have tried various methods of making these habits stick, such as planning, scheduling, being rigid, loose, all sorts, and have never managed to make them consistent actions. From the first week of lockdown in March I have been doing both consistently and feel that the seed has been planted. I have simplified both down and have made simple practises for each habit that don't overwhelm me - this is one of two factors i believe have worked in my favour. The other being whatever psychological enabling that lockdown has provided. It's not as if my lifestyle changed drastically due to lockdown, but still, it provided me the impetus to do these things with a consistency i have never previously managed. I will ponder this and whether it's a psychological place of mind i can reach post lockdown, for other areas of life. I have had challenges during lockdown like everyone else, there have been some dark moments, some realisations and some personal growth as a result. what's next alongside building these two positive habits i have also allowed myself to slip into late nights, midweek drinking, excessive gaming and porn. I haven't read during lockdown or done any writing. I am now reaching the point where i am ready to tighten up my game again, cut out the excesses and return to a healthier lifestyle. I don't yet know whether i will attempt bullet journalling again or some kind of scheduling or ticklist. But i am going to reintroduce a basic structure and daily discliplines, in addition to stepping up gym work and guitar practise. I want to read, write (self-therapy), practise awareness, and prioritise sleep, daily exercise, healthy eating and drinking enough water instead of tea and coffee.

Will be interesting to see the results, both from the byron katie work and the sedona method. Finding something that clicks can be a game changer

Another thing i want to reintroduce is a journalling practise. Not bullet journalling, which i tried but didnt really take to. Just free style journalling to work through some issues. I have had some pain come up this morning and writing seems to be a good outlet for me.

@Gladius thanks man. Yeah, i don't think a meditation practise is urgent. I think sleep, diet and exercise are more important and they could all use a bit of work at the minute. What i want from an awareness practise is the ability to buy a few seconds time gap between stimulus and response. And also being able to be present in the moment throughout the day. So while it's not urgent it is something i want to try.

Glad to hear you are getting some reading done. The byron katie book is one i plan on reading at some point. Have you printed off the worksheets? I believe there are some available to work with alongside the book. I know what you mean about your source of income. I have to be happy in a job, feel i have some autonomy and freedom. I'm looking for the post that will suit me, it can be a bit of a long game as i'm sure you know.

Staying consistent with a weights routine and picking up my guitar. These are two habits i have been trying and failing to make stick for decades. There must be a reason that i have made them happen during a lockdown. It's not just having more time, because ive had longer spells of free time than this. It's something psychological. It would be good to know, perhaps i could apply it in the future post lockdown. Still not managed an awareness / meditation / mindfulness practise. I suspect getting up at a consistent time in the morning could be the key for me. I am having later nights and sleeping in longer in the morning, so i've not been waking up at the same time each day. I will try and get that sorted in the coming week. I still have barely read anything. I have a stack of books but ive not had the will to pick them up. I do think taking time out of reading to absorb and put into practise what we have already read is good. When i am ready to return to the books then return i will. Getting the right job and moving out remains two of my biggest goals, but there is a lot of thinking to do in the meantime. In summary over the last 2 months: -- formed a gym habit and keeping a gym diary. Keeping it very simple, just two compound lifts (bench press and squat rack). -- picking up guitar every day. Just playing what i want to play and not stressing myself out with complicated practise routines -- improving my relationship with people around me in the house. Managing my expectations and reactions to things Stuff to work on: -- awareness practise -- avoiding slipping into old negative habits / addictions

@Commodent i've learned more from our conversations than from dozens of books and 'guru's'. Thank you very much. Wishing you all the best mate.

Staying consistent with a weights routine and practising guitar most days. The key is my mindset is changing. They aren't items to tick off a list, i've managed to find enough desire and purpose to want to do them. The next item i want to lock in is some kind of awareness practise. I saw a description of meditation as maintaining awareness of 'something'. It doesn't get any simpler than that. I will find a way to make it a consistent habit. I am slipping in and out of minor bad habits such as late nights and possibly too much xbox but i'm observing the process and gradually whittling down the layers of denial. From time to time i do get breakthrough's in increasing my consciousness and growth. One example is improving my relationship with a family member. I've had to get hold of myself and change my perceptions and responses to things. I have deeper compassion for myself and others.

The yoga sounds very beneficial. That's good. What sort of writing do you want to do? Do you want to write a book?

@Gladius thanks man. I've been escaping a lot into computer games and will continue to do so but not at the expense of my disciplines. I've done no reading or therapeutic work for a month but now i feel ready to get back into it. I did some writing today expressing a lot of anger and sadness at at family member. It went in the shredder and i feel better.

Neediness is a painful (and potentially destructive) place to be. I wrote about my dealings with it quite a bit, early in my journal. It is as much about the past as any fixation in the present. It's good that you recognise it and aren't in denial. In fact, that's the key. Good to read you are doing yoga. What effects do you find it has on you? Keep it up.

I'm considering letting go of my experiment with bullet journalling and the five minute journal. They aren't habits i have been able to make stick, even during a lockdown. I like the principle of the five minute journal but there are aspects of it that don't work for me. I have played a lot of xbox during lockdown and will continue to do so, but what i havent done is read anything, or do any therapeutic writing. I can feel the need to do both. I also want to sit quietly and contemplate. On the plus side, i have been finding consistency on the weight bench and practising guitar over the last 5 weeks. Will review progress at 12 weeks.

I'm old school and I prefer physical. I get energy from seeing books displayed on a shelf, and walking around in book shops. Space is limited so i also buy on kindle sometimes.

I know what you mean to an extent. I often dread the end of a series. Sometimes we invest a lot in the stories and the people we are watching. I find it's a sign i'm out of balance and aren't engaged enough in other areas of life. That's it.