studentofthegame

@Commodent I'm not entirely clear on how co-dependency manifests itself for me, so a visit to a 12-step would be exploratory. I am much less co-dependent in my relationships now, certainly that was evident with my last GF. I strive for the intra-dependent relationship, two healthy individuals and one healthy couple. But I still feel the attachment and loss issues from childhood resurfacing at times. I have recently met a girl I like and for some reason my subconscious has been kicking off. I have allowed myself to obsess on it and haven't been able to get a grip of myself. It's been a real throwback to my insecure younger days and has caught me off guard. I never thought 12-step would be useful for me until I read Russel Brands book about using 12-step. If it compliments the healing work I am doing then it's got to be worthwhile, if not then at least I've had a look. I also think it would be useful to experience it first hand as a psychologist. I am at a point where I am keen to meet a nice girl, and have to get my house in order.

@Commodent BJJ and chess club sounds interesting. I train in kickboxing, mainly for the fitness and for the gloves and padwork. I don't enjoy kicking. I've never learned to play chess but I can imagine I might at some point. Those groups you talked about also sound interesting and a sure-fire way of meeting new people (and hopefully some nice girls). I think pursuing lots of different avenues and interests is a really positive thing, especially when there is some fear and resistance to deal with. Geoff Thompsons books 'Fear: the friend of exceptional people' and 'Hunting the shadow' are good books to read on this. Geoff Thompson is a bit of a mentor of mine, I trained with him on one of his 6 month classes and have corresponded with him over the years, although he no longer has much online presence. I think it's important to understand his back story to get the most of his work. An ordinary guy, abused in his youth and with a lot of fear in his life. dealing with his fears eventually led him onto working as a nightclub bouncer in a violent city for 10 years. This I find inspiring as he was a soft-natured guy who was extremely afraid of confrontation and afraid of violence. after that, he learned some serious life lessons, transcended the need to marinate in violence, paid his penance and became a full-time martial artist travelling the globe, a writer, a teacher, and a scriptwriter. he has also got heavily into the big texts, he reads everything and his non-dogmatic interpretations are up on youtube in a series of over 100 podcasts/videos. A brilliant and congruent man and i'd advise anyone to take a look. This week I am using an app called 'apnea trainer' which is used by deep sea divers to increase their lung capacity. I'm not interested in deep sea diving, but using it as a breathing practise for 5 minutes in the morning is very calming. And, i'm hoping, a gateway into meditation. I am also exploring the idea of attending a 12-step group for co-dependency. i'm wondering whether it would contribute to the healing work I am doing and help to deal with the attachment and loss issues I have. It feels daft to even think about doing 12-step but I am able to take what I need from things and leaving aside that which I don't.

near london

I also need lots of solitude, and time outs from social settings, and it has affected all my previous relationships. The way to deal with it is by going out with an understanding person, and by maintaining good communication with them. You need to be able to communicate effectively to be able to have the time alone you need without it hurting the relationship

Moderation in all things

I have begun sorting my sleep out by setting one alarm for the morning (as opposed to several alarms, 7, 7.15, 7.30 etc). One alarm. I know when i set that alarm that it’s the only alarm and i have to get up when it goes off. And that’s it. By getting up at the same time every day it sets my sleeping pattern. I don’t want the pressure of having a bed time as well. By getting up every day at 7, i’m naturally tired and in bed by midnight. In addition; I have a cd on loop playing nature sounds in the background (volume set low) and i also have a small humidifier which sends a fine mist down into the room throughout the night. Filling that up is part of the bedtime ritual. I usually have a cup of yogi bedtime tea, sometimes with a splash of apple cider vinegar and honey (a recipe tim ferris swears knocks him out at night). Don’t pressure yourself at night. Your sleep prep should be calming and priming you to relax. I need total darkness. Blackout curtains, no lights. One problem with my night routine is that i’m in the habit of listening to true crime podcasts as i fall asleep. I doubt that’s doing my subconscious much good.

Super nintendo! I love a bit of retro gaming. Good work.

@Commodent i wouldn't say I found a section in the road less travelled boring and put it down. I think one of two things has happened, either I was not ready to read any further or the shadow part of myself that doesn't want to progress took over. I find that with many books. part of me still wants to live irresponsibly, go out all the time and drink. that's a part of me i'm working on giving up. that's not to say I will go teetotal or not have the odd night out. I just need a greater balance. moderation in all things. I think another concern of mine is that I could go too far the other way, not to say live like a monk but become what I still perceive as a boring, anti-social person. this is a misconception of mine. my work is to find moderation in everything, live a balanced life. Yes, man's search for meaning is a superb book. I would say that and the road less travelled I regard as my two highest-brow books for lack of a better term. i'm interested in reading the bigger spiritual texts, the Dhammapada, the tao te ching etc. at some point, but I don't think now is the time. As I keep banging on about, I need to do the healing works with the books we have discussed. That's an interesting point about chakras. I can imagine that will be something i'll look at in the future. i'm willing to look at anything and everything. Sorry to hear that about your parents, I suppose it's not that uncommon to feel that way. I don't know how far along your healing work you are, but maybe a forgiveness component is for you, if you haven't already done some work on that. I can relate to craving a girlfriend. I have had two or three serious relationships in my life. I have also been left devastated by a break up. often people are, but my reactions were very over the top. I think it ties in with the abandonment issues and fear of loss that I have. as I have got older I am much more able to handle the end of a relationship. I have been single since last summer, although I have been meeting up with an ex girlfriend. but I don't want to pursue that any further. There is a long story to it, but I have strong feelings for another ex-gf's best friend. I have had them since the moment I met her, about 6 months into my relationship. as you can imagine, the chances of being able to go out with her are slim. it's a complicated situation. Meeting girls is so unpredictable. I don't believe there are 'hotspots' where you can find a meaningful relationship. I think if you are working on yourself, getting on with your life and importantly getting out and meeting people in different settings then the chances of meeting a girl are odds-on in your favour. I'm not keen on the idea of dating websites personally, although I know lots of people who have been successful with those sites and have now married. Yesterday I met a psychologist in a prison that I volunteer in. she's been in my head ever since. i'm thinking about asking her out next time I see her. I need to check myself because already I am feeling the yearning to be with her, and I need to get hold of that and deal with it. Again, I think my abandonment/loss issues make me needy initially, although I manage and mask it well, and it soon dissipates. I try to practise good boundaries in relationships. For me, I need certain things from a girl. intelligence and empathy are important. For yourself, what moves are you going to make to start increasing the odds of meeting a girl you click with?

Russel Brand. Never found the guy funny, but I like his self-development stuff. He is very authentic and congruent. He did an excellent interview with Tony Robbins. I've also picked up a couple of his books. As for prayer, i'm not religious, but I have wondered about the benefits of saying a prayer anyway. It might take the form of gratitude, I'm not sure. Just some positive self-talk in my head.

@Commodent I forgot to answer your other question. goals for me is a good question. I have them in my head but never on paper. as it stands, career wise, I will pursue a job as an assistant psychologist when I graduate. further down the road I will look at clinical training, to practise as a clinical psychologist. we will then see where that takes me. I can imagine doing some counselling when I am a bit older and have more life experience. ultimately I want to write, but I don't know what form that will take yet. relationship wise I want to spend time with my family and create more happy memories. losing a parent is one of my ultimate fears and a big part of my therapy. I can see myself meeting a nice girl and starting a family, hopefully being the best parent I can be and providing the stable upbringing that I didn't have. personal goals include immersing myself into playing guitar, maximising health and fitness and playing football for as long as I can. I have fears of travel which need addressing. You yourself are in a strong position of being very clued up about yourself and life while only being in your early twenties. You could comfortably spend the next 5-10 years experimenting with different ideas, taking in a range of experiences before settling into something for the long haul. And even once you do, with your skillset, I expect you'll take up something with fluidity, which will enable you the freedom to switch areas once you have taken everything you wanted from one role.

@Commodent thank you for the endorsement. I agree many healthcare professionals that I have come across, including psychologists I have met on my course, sometimes strike me as intellectuals first and foremost rather than as people who have undergone healing work themselves and are in a position to really empathise with someone else. My therapist has been through psychodynamic, attachment therapy herself and is still on her own path of healing. She is incredibly empathic. The road less travelled is a lovely book. I haven't read it in full yet, I've got halfway a couple of times. I'm not sure why that is. I think a part of me is resistant to change. Maybe a part of me doesn't want to finish the book and end the discovery. But from the first half that I have read, i'd class it as a desert island book. I expect to read and re-read it several times throughout my life. I absolutely buzz off books. I feel energy coming off of books sat on a shelf, before I've even picked them up. I love walking around a book store, particularly around the psychology/philosophy/self-help sections. Alongside the road less travelled, i'd recommend 'man's search for meaning' by viktor frankl, if anyone has not already read that. He found meaning and purpose inside of Auschwitz. it doesn't come more inspiring than that.

An interesting few days. Since Thursday last week my usual routine has been a bit thrown out. It's now Tuesday of the following week and I haven't recovered. My sleeping and eating hasn't been great and I've felt low. The pornography addiction has crept back in. (when I talk about a pornography addiction, I don't mean just porn vids, but general excesses; some vids, fap when i'm trying to abstain, allowing my mind to become fixated on certain girls). Tomorrow is a reset. Tonight, in preparation, consists of hydrating, eating healthily, watching some motivational vids to lift my mood and not beating myself up. What lesson have I learned? at this point in my life, I need to protect my routine and the structure this gives me, certainly my Monday-Friday. A big part of that is saying 'no' to things that disrupt my schedule.

If they are your life purpose I would think you are currently putting the hours into doing them, refining your craft and not just sat around contemplating them. Or at least have the intention to do that.

This doesn't work for me. Sometimes re-reading a book, listening to a podcast or watching a video at a different stage in my life is valuable. With new experiences and perspectives under my belt, one line in a book can take on a different meaning.

Trial and error. Like most things in life, there are things that are for you and things that aren't. I have spent 2 and a half years in psychodynamic therapy to heal old childhood traumas. For various reasons, I suspect I will be looking for another therapist sooner or later. That doesn't mean the previous 2 and a half years have been a waste of time. It's been part of my journey and I am taking something from it. When the time is right, i'll move on. Be careful that you aren't putting up intellectual smokescreens as a defence mechanism. Therapy shouldn't necessarily be a cosy, stimulating environment. For me, I need to be processing events from the past, some grief work. It's uncomfortable. If this is not necessarily your cause, then maybe a life coach or a different school of therapy is for you. It depends on what you are trying to deal with in your life.

That's essentially true. You can structure free time whilst keeping it 'free'. Deciding on a period of solitude, or setting aside an hour to play the xbox. The gist I get from your opening post is that you don't endorse spontaneous free time, free time when you don't know what you are going to do with yourself from one hour to the next.

@Commodent I have made a note of the book by Janine Fisher which you recommended earlier to have a look at IFS. I have just purchased the Tao of Fully Feeling which was another one you recommended. Alongside that, I have ordered Pete Walkers other book 'Complex PTSD'. I read the descriptions and some reviews and they sound very worthwhile. Thanks again for recommending this author. These three books, plus 'Homecoming' by John Bradshaw which I'm beginning to work through, are going to form the basis of my own therapy for the foreseeable future. Feeling, processing, and grieving. I'm sure there is some tough but essential work ahead. My psychodynamic therapy resumes next month after the therapist took some time out. She is gradually reducing her private practise and I may be looking for another therapist in the coming months. From re-reading your posts, I feel I am somewhere between the phases you experienced - from reading a lot of self-help and spirituality, to putting that to one side and diving into trauma-related books. I have only somewhat scratched the surface of trauma healing, and my focus always shifts back to reading Tolle and various other works like that for a 'buzz'. There is a place for those books and I think they will have an impact on me over the years to come. I would recommend the works of M. Scott Peck to anyone. But for me, and we talked about walking before running, the important and immediate work is in the healing from trauma. As we have said, self-development and self-care are a lifetimes work. I don't believe we ever say 'job done' and shut the door on it. That can take the form of working in the field in some area. Once I graduate in august I will be applying for jobs as an assistant psychologist. I think you, yourself, would make a phenomenal professional within the field somewhere, based on the conversations we have had and the maturity of your insights. But of course, those are fully transferable skills. You can apply those to anywhere you choose to turn your hand. I think you are right about enlightenment/self actualisation being a natural occurrence to some degree of doing the important work, and is by no means a 'magic pill'. I respect peoples rights to use this forum as they see fit, but what I read in that thread (and also what I didn't read) was alarming. Anyway, this has been a heavy post for a Monday morning. On a lighter note, what does the next 1-5 years look like for you in terms of life and goals? are you a planner or do you plan in pencil and go with the flow?

@Flatworld Crusades i think you are right. The smaller issues that can be dealt with on paper can have a confounding, multiplying effect. In your own morning routine, do you find that the exercise alone serves as a primer for the day, putting to one side the actual solutions you write down?

@Flatworld Crusades thanks for dropping in. That sounds like a useful tool, especially done in the morning to ‘prime’. I’m experimenting with similar morning routines such as journaling, and i will give some thought to your method. Where it will be challenging is that much of my anxiety is irrational and sometimes without a label - i can’t always trace it back to something tangible like an approaching deadline or a financial worry. It ties in with the inner child work i am doing.

@Commodent yes, i am in the UK and a United supporter. Ole is of course a hero at mufc and he’ll have the fans backing throughout his time. I just hope he is backed by the incompetent suits above him in the hierarchy. I agree that healing should start, at least in my case, with grieving past losses. CBT may be useful for me one day but I think i still have a lot of work to do on the past. Walking before you can run. It seems i have been flagged and banned from a thread in which a high school aged lad was asking for help with his anxiety issues, and was receiving enlightenment related advice. Someone asked him ‘who is the I who is asking this question?’. I said forget all that and tell me about your friends, family, whether you have medical issues, whether you are practising proper nutrition, getting exercise, engaging with school work etc etc. I believe in walking before you can run and dealing with the fundamentals before you dive in to something so advanced, especially when you are at high school age. It seems someone took offence to that. While much of this enlightenment school of thought isn’t for me, i’m not out to be dismissive. But for a lad not yet in his twenties i thought some of the advice he was being offered was inappropriate and not for for purpose within the context of his life he had provided. Anyway, side note over. I have had a bit of a chaotic few days, bad sleep and poor nutrition and i am feeling awful with anxiety. Today is a reset. It amazes me how quickly disruption to my routine and my daily work causes me anxiety, and the anxiety lasts several days. I have noticed you and several others have referenced ‘being kind to yourself’ as a legitimate form of healing old wounds. I’m sure this differs from person to person, but what does being kind to yourself look like for you?

the fibromyalgia might be an issue to tackle first. watch the documentary 'fat sick and nearly dead'. the guy was taking dozens of meds a day for an autoimmune disease. He got rid of it via juice fasting, and afterwards was able to resume a normal, moderate diet. Complex carbs and protein every 3 hours or so is important to regulate blood sugar levels. glucose is the primary fuel of the brain. important mentally and physically. and look at your hydration. this has been my sole focus for the last month and i'm feeling much better

if you're going to use it then it's certainly worth it. I would love a treadmill at home. I'm uncomfortable going out and running in public, other than playing football. for that reason it's something I probably need to confront.

Not that I'm aware of. Where in the world do you live? Philosophy or psychology may be the closest subject.

it depends what you want from a martial art. if it's self defence then a boxing club is up there towards the top. and a judo or wrestling club, anything that involves grappling, as support system. Some martial arts is fitness based. some is aesthetics, possibly yoga-like. for myself, i'm at a kickboxing class. I've chosen this for two reasons. 1. I don't yet have the confidence to join a boxing club with heavy sparring. 2. accountability. If I don't maintain my disciplines throughout the week, eating, sleeping and exercising properly, staying hydrated, i'll be exposed at the kickboxing class.

this is a good point. Your relationship with food is likely to be the symptom, the effect rather than the cause.