studentofthegame

@Gladius that makes absolute sense to me. it sounds as if you listen to your mind and body and know when a night out and a drink is right for you, and when it isn't. that's great. that's the position i'm looking to take. thanks for this

I went on a date with a girl yesterday. she's nice. the problem is, i'm struggling with intense feelings of neediness. after one date. I've experienced a lessening of neediness in relationships as I've got older, to the point where my last relationship of around 3 years provoked no unhealthy neediness from me. I thought it was a part of me that was gone. apparently not. why this has resurfaced, with this particular girl, I don't know. I've not been in a good place mentally anyway, with stress and it's effects. I have been in therapy for nearly 3 years now and I have a big year ahead of me with some significant changes in my life to come. (positive changes, scary none the less). but here I am. mentally I am crawling on all fours, I've lost focus of myself and my priorities and can do nothing but think and overthink about this girl, about how I messed up the first date, about how i'm not good enough for her, and about how much it feels like I need her. I know this isn't the truth, but a part of me is living it. This is where I hope and pray the healing work I am doing, on attachment and loss in childhood, can heal these old wounds. In the meantime i'm suffering and all I can do is endure. The pain and the hopelessness of intense neediness is not a nice experience, to say the least.

@Shadowraix you've hit the nail on the head there, mate.

Confront your fears in a systematic fashion, and look at areas in your life where you have addictions or character flaws and work on them. That's an arena i'm spending my time in.

@Bill W Yes, it's all about momentum and confidence in the beginning. And foundational habits, as you put it. Have you started putting something like this together for yourself? Interesting to read your experiences about rock bottom. I can't say with any certainty that I've had that moment myself, but I have had smaller tipping points. One was late Saturday night / early sunday morning when I was in despair after a night of heavy drinking, drama and no sleep. Amidst the chaos I had a clarity about what my real issues are. This is after drastically reducing my alcohol use this year and feeling much better for it, but on Saturday I was on a stag weekend and my best intentions fell apart. There's an old saying along the lines of 'the road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom'. When we find ourselves in dark places there is a window out of it, if we are able to take it.

There is no single one answer to this (mental ailments are complex and individual as you know) and like trying to dig out a deep rooted tree stump, you need to hack at it from many angles, whether that’s therapy, exercise and nutrition, reading etc. I will speak from experience here. One thing you can do right now. Choose one thing that is do-able every day, and do it for 30 days. For me it is filling up a water bottle once or twice a day and sipping water. It comes with me everywhere. For that first 30 days, no matter if i failed to do anything else i had set in mind, as long as i filled up that water bottle and sipped water i had done the work, i was making progress. The confidence of 30 days (and counting) of little victories is huge. I chose water because i was fed up of walking around dehydrated and the negative effects that had on me. You may find that whatever you choose acts as an anchor and you get more stuff done than you thought. But if not, you are still on the road because you are doing the one, manageable thing. After 30 days, add another habit. Wish you all the best.

Had an interesting experience on Saturday night / Sunday morning. Was on a stag weekend. I could feel in the days prior that I wasn't really in the right place mentally for a big night out. Not to mention that I've barely touched alcohol this year. There was some drama on the night out, but that is another story. I was awake at 5am in a hotel room, having drunk too much, fretting about my issues and anxieties a little bit, and resigned to taking a sleeping tablet which I know leaves me drowsy and anxious for days afterwards. It's been messy ever since. As I am beginning to come through the other side, the worrying I was doing as I lay there at 5am has given me clarity into some issues I have in my life and areas that I've not prioritised as needing work. Not only that, but I've never been more comfortable with accepting that I am not someone who needs excesses in his life. As I've written about in another thread, structure and routine is important to me and my mental health. When structure and routine is in disruption, I should be saying 'no' to a night out. When I am in a healthy place, I can have a night out, providing I am moderate.

Hi all. I’m in my mid 30’s and at the point where a proper nights sleep is pretty much essential to my mental wellbeing. If my sleep is significantly disrupted then i am prone to anxiety all day the following day. Such as today. Was at a wedding yesterday, catching up with family i’ve not seen in a while, a few beers and a poor night sleep wise. Not only is sleep important but the structure and routine of my days and weeks are also something i’m working on tightening up. Because once again, disruption causes me anxiety. I do believe in balance and being able to do something a bit different at the weekends, if Monday-Fridays stays relatively predictable. However, even in these cirumstances, there are certain ‘anchors’ that i need to be able to manage anxiety. If anyone has any similar dependence on routine/structure or any thoughts i’d like to hear them. As a sidenote, i dislike constantly referring to ‘anxiety’. In my case, I am referring to over-thinking, catastrophising, feeling tired and on edge.

I like your thinking here. May do one myself

if you mean the multiple substances are needed to function then it's the same thing. a non addict doesn't need them to function. I know we are talking the tip of the iceberg in terms of addiction, but it's important to recognise that the addict who has a hit of something is not gaining anything that the non-addict doesn't already have.

to expand on what I just said, in relation to your opening post. addiction is a deficit. The good feeling you get when you have a hit is, on some level, a return to homeostasis, the level that the non-addict already resides at.

one of the best books about addiction I have read is alan carr's book about quitting smoking. It's a great psychology book. It busts myths that an addict constructs around his use. you can apply it to other addictions.

@Bill W Good post. It is a bit like that isn't it. I suspect that many people in society are trying to run before they can walk with some of their practises, and smother their feelings with over-intellectualising and far-out and radical concepts. Maybe I have been guilty of this in the past. I'm committed to learning, reading, having conversations, doing necessary healing work. But ultimately I can only find my own truth, not someone else's. Someone's truth is nothing more than their own perception.

@mmKay @Winter Thank you for the comments. The emotional 'crash' I have experienced recently has lasted for a matter of weeks. I suspect my work is to get back on the horse as quickly as possible and to some extent prepare for the next crash so that it takes less and less time to get over setbacks. And old samurai saying, paraphrased: 'when the battle is won, tighten the straps on your helmet'.

Does anyone else experience a crash from time to time where you feel the progress you have made over a recent period of time has come to a halt and you feel as if you are starting back at the beginning? I felt the momentum of positive habit building for a month, and although the habit has stuck, I've been in a slump for several weeks now and have lost the spark of 'what habit shall I build next?' and the confidence to do it. Some anxiety has crept back in and I have lost a lot of energy. I think we probably all have slides and a tool everyone needs is recognising the slide, arresting it and getting back on the horse.

@Surfingthewave Thanks for those comments, you've well expressed a concern that I have.... that routine and structure may be necessary for good mental health, but not to the point of rigidity and not living in the moment. I haven't been able to begin a consistent meditation practise yet, but I have begun doing some breathing exercises on a daily basis which I find calming (and which I hope are a gateway to meditation for me) using an apnea training app used by deep sea divers. I am looking at increasing exercise frequency and am also gradually improving nutrition. I am also in therapy and using a lot of self-help books. So i'm coming at my issues from as many angles as possible. Do you find meditation to be the key for you?

@Commodent Yes mate, it's been an insightful conversation and I've come away from it with a lot. Thank-you very much. I hope further down the road when I have done some serious healing work I can return the insights to yourself or anyone else on this board that needs them. Maybe we can swap notes on the journey to get the girl Good luck with the exam preparation and i'm intrigued to see what path you take going forwards. Stay balanced man. All the best, James.

@Bill W I think i'm probably on the same path bill. fair play to you,

i can relate to everything you've said. I too am feeling the pressure of living at my mums house, and we have had a co-dependent relationship over the years. I am 10 years older than you by the way. I am so stunted by not having had significant space of my own over the years, but im biding my time. It'll come. I'm looking forwards to improving my relationships when I have the space for quality solitude. I am also dealing with addiction to porn and masturbation. I don't have the answer yet, it's an addiction that I've not managed to kill. although I suspect it's at least partly (certainly not entirely) a space issue - I have too many triggers in one room. I don't want a computer in my bedroom and I certainly won't have one when I have a flat or a house of my own. I recommend the psychology route you are talking about, if you decide to do it. I am about to finish my postgraduate study, and studying psychology is one of the best decisions I've ever made. it's the right environment for me and gives me the freedom I need in a career.

skyrim. what a game that was

May 2019 Eating at 7am I've written meal plans for the day and week and been unable to stick with them. My strategy is to eat on waking at 7am. The idea is that eating is like fuelling a fire. By kicking off at 7am the aim is to kick off my metabolism and prompt me to eat every 3 hours, little and often. Goals are to moderate my blood sugar/glucose levels, stabilise my energy and mood, and also to meet a caloric intake for my activity level. I would like to gain a stone or so in body muscle and increase my fitness.

@Gladius you are right mate. I'm coming to terms with the fact that at least from Monday-Friday I need to say 'no' a lot.

I like Tony Robbins. You don't need the course, just study his books, listen to his podcasts and act on his advice where you see fit.

No, it is not too late. I started my undergraduate degree at 31. Some of my best mates on the course have been in their 40's, 50's and even one in their 60's. I know what you mean about feeling exhausted. I think with undergraduate and postgraduate study, the single most tiring thing is procrastination. It's the situation i'm in now. I've left myself loads to do with little time to do it, and it weighs on my mind. Do the work, get it done early. Don't leave things until the last minute, which is a tendency that many have. Once you have done your work for the day then stay balanced... see your friends, rest up and get some exercise and good nutrition.

re: your sugar addiction There is a product called glycerine/glycerol (food grade) which is a sweet, colour-less liquid that you can use to sweeten food or drink, it bypasses the pancreas and doesn't spike your insulin, but it helps to regulate your sugar cravings. I use it to sweeten coffee. It's all natural and I believe it is used to make the casing on cod liver oil tablets. Assuming you aren't diabetic the key to your blood sugar and glucose levels is eating small and often, every 2-3 hours. Proteins and complex carbs. There seems to be some good stuff in your diet but unless I read your post incorrectly you are going too long between meals.