Due to toxic and abusive family. A toxic sibling and a highly toxic & abusive man whom I call "father". 
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I am anticipating a nasty situation which I'll really hate. It will happen after few hours and I want to kill myself before that. 
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I'm suicidal due to day to day challenges. (shouting, criticising, controlling, rudeness, family toxicity, abuse, headache situations, hassles,.... when forced to do something I hate, controlled by family what to do, where to go...(No autonomy) My so-called family makes me a slave. 
Sometimes I want to run away but it's as dangerous as suicide. 
I often say to myself "if this keeps going, I can't live, I don't want to live". 
When I anticipate a nasty or headache situation, I start thinking that I should kill myself before that situation arises. Because there'll be 1000s of such situations in my lifetime. 
I had reached very close to killing myself in the past....a few times.
When I am on the verge of killing myself, I feel something extremely wrong and drastic is gonna happen, it feels as if this whole reality is gonna collapse. So I hold myself back. (I am not afraid of consuming poison, I am just afraid of making a big mistake, I doubt myself.). 
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I have strong desires, commitments and ambitions in life which I don't wanna lose. But at the same time I have a strong desire to escape this suffering. I am desperate. 
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I am so angry that I want to murder my abusers but I can't do this because I would be imprisoned for life after that, which would be much worse than suicide.
Their toxicity is intolerable. 
What I am gonna lose when I commit suicide?
Will I come back in this human form after death?
Is it wrong to commit suicide when your life sucks and it will be so for many many years...? 
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Edit : If I choose to live, I will get both pain and pleasure in equal amounts in overall life. Or if I die, I will get nothing. It doesn't matter whether I live or die. So I am in extreme dilemma what should I choose. Sometimes pain overwhelms me , other times the pleasure and beauty of life overwhelm me. 

If you feel lonely and you are in a relationship then something is really off.

There's an inner game aspect and an outer game aspect to loneliness.
The inner game aspect is spiritual work, and just being happy alone.
The outer game aspect is actually going out and making new friends.
Burn the candle from both ends.

He sexually abused his sister.
Zuckerberg is a good example. Look how he ran Facebook to maximize profits.
Musk is a good example. Corrupt as hell.
The corruption these people do is not even necessary for good business. It's just over the top stuff. Cartoonish levels of corruption.

It's just typical girl tests and games. What you do is invent an excuse to move her. You play some music, you stand her up to dance, then you sit her back down where you want her.

@Marvelllious I would recommend that you block TechLead. He's a scam artist.
Tech is arguably the most secure sector out there, currently. The need for good developers is only increasing.
Either go the uni route, and/or build an actual enterprise application with some complexity and original features that has actual use cases for potential consumers, ideally one you can charge money for.
If you showcase todo app number 10 million, you're not getting the job.

Silly.
Tech ain't nowhere dead.
But it is rapidly changing so you gotta stay on the cutting edge.
The next 10 years will be the hugest tech revolution ever. The problem is that it will be dominated by giant companies.

No!
Women have a fundamentally different perspective of reality than you.
Learn to understand and appreciate that.
We have few enough women on this forum as it is. We don't need you scaring them all way with your juvenile ravings.
Stop being a skunk.

Gaza is a pile rubble. No one can live there for a decade.
And settlers are doing ethnic cleansing every day for the last 70 years. Wake up.

Treating others as you would like to be treated.

Very interesting. Thanks for sharing.
I had some similar experiences although not so graphic on psychedics where I experienced feminine sexual energy and integrated it as my own.
You are every female in the universe. A nifty thing to realize.

Yes they are. The West is generally not engaged in ethnic cleansing these days. And the West is not creating ethno-states.
Israel is violating many many international laws and doing serious war crimes and crimes against humanity.
Your war is fundamentally racist.

Engineering brilliance, political and spiritual stupidity. Mankind in a nutshell.

Both relative and absolue truth.
Pretty much anyone in a position of power is all of the following: a liar, deeply self-deceived, and corrupt. You don't get or hold power without lying and distorting the truth.

I have an episode about this topic coming soon.
You can study people of low intellectual integrity like chimps in a zoo, for epistemic lessons. Focus on the structure of what they say more than the content.
You can study Hitler without buying into his content. Basically any Tier 1 content is good grist for your Tier 2 mill.

You can contemplate the masculine/feminine distinction for years and comprehend it deeper, and deeper, and deeper.

Yup. You just need massive experience until it stops being a thing you worry about or second-guess.
Are you insecure about how to wipe your ass? No. Cause you've done it 10,000 times.
Anything you do 10,000 times becomes confident. And anything you do once or twice is insecure.

That's not the real motivation.
The real motivation is personal growth. Or if you just enjoy it.
You're not gonna do 5000 approaches unless you enjoy the whole project.
You master golf if you love golf.
Guys who do well in game actually love going out, being out. Being out becomes more appealing than any girl.
Obviously that isn't for everyone. You don't have to go all the way to mastery. I didn't.

2000 approaches is a bare minimum. You can do that in 1 year.
You should be aiming for 10,000 approaches to reach mastery.
It's like you guys have hit 100 golf balls and wondering why you're so bad at golf. And then you call me an extremist.

Don't forget that the typical hot girl socializes with thousands of people. It's just all unconscious. So you have a lot of catching up to do.

It's fine. Your body can handle poison. That's what most junk food is.

Here's a little-cited fact:
1 in 10 Israelis are settlers, living on internationally recognized Palestinian land. And this number grows each year. These settlers include high ranking government officials and judges.
It's just outrageous. Of course Palestinians want to kill them. It's so obvious when you look at the basic facts. No other nation would allow another nation to colonize its land year after year after year for 75 years.
When you finally cut through all the propaganda and bias, the truth is so clear it's disgusting.

I had zero skill and I'm not built different. It's just massive experience.
Getting failed approaches means nothing after a while. 10 failed approaches is a typical night in pickup.
You just need way more approaches.
It can feel like that. Warm up is important. But you also build up skill which doesn't go away.
It takes thousands of approaches to get good.
Your first 1000 approaches will suck. It's no problem. You will get a tiny bit better from each approach.
You just need way more approaches and to trust the process. You are guaranteed to get better if you do 2000 approaches.

Very powerful. The problem is finding one who will give you the time. Realistically it will only happen if you work for them.

Because only a dysfunctional and low consciousness human would be invovled in the porn industry.