EmptyInside

I don't always watch movies, but when I do, they are usually pre-2008.

Life's Comedic Ironies: The guy who logs into Facebook to check and see how many likes he got on a post he posted about not posting for likes. The girl who who takes a break from posting on Facebook and puts her phone down to watch a movie featuring people on their phones posting on Facebook. It's fun, try it. Life was better before Facebook. What we resist, persists, I know I know. But still, just sayin, it really was.

Making Peace with Death (again), Sorting through some of the clouds of overthinking today I realized a few things. I've made a decision or several really, important ones. I think their implications are weighing on me. I've decided to accept the natural progression of whatever is wrong with my body, to not seek medical attention or make any attempt to prolong my life, to do the best I can with what time I have left, to try to leave something behind that's meaningful in some way to someone, and to accept that these life choices will be misunderstood, probably seen as crazy, and probably create rifts in the few relationships I have left in real life. It brings me back to a place, a strageloop I guess, of making peace with death, something I thought I had already done. I never gave much thought to how it would work if I saw death coming from 2000 miles away, slowly creeping in my direction, on foot, one step at a time. And then again, while I'm sitting here thinking about my deteriorating GI system I could get hit by a bus tomorrow. It's not really death that I'm afraid of. What I'm really afraid of is the potential meaninglessness that accompanies the knowledge of one's final numbered days. Exactly another reason I choose not to go through the soul grinder of the medical establishment. Stumbled across this video, and I mean WOW, talk about a 24 karat pure gold nugget, here it is (I'lll need to watch it again and again and again):

Great post brother. Honest and real. Thank you for sharing.

Day 4: Listening to Alan Watts today. At 45:14, I think he eloquently captures the Magic:

Day 3: Overall, a good day yesterday. Went grocery shopping. Tried a little variety with ingredients. Cooked a healthy meal, turkey burger tacos, shredded cabbage, avocado, deli salsa. Heated authentic, whole yellow tortillas in the air fryer briefly. Very light crisp on the outside yet still tender on the inside. Turned out well. Cooking definitely has become part of my spiritual practice. Cleaning, well, not as much but it should be and hopefully will become more of part of it too. Purchased some Olly L-Theanine/Melatonin/Botanicals gummies to see if they might help me sleep better. They did. Slept great.

Definitely today's most helpful video by far. Second time I've watched it but today I really absorbed it.

@Jai Hey, thank you! And thanks for sharing about your struggle last year and successes since. I spend a lot of time going through the Plum Village YouTube channel. They have another one Plum Village App that's also good. My life is like a full time solo retreat. It can be peaceful solitude some days and others it can be agonizingly isolated and lonely. It's the mindset, I'm sure that shifts. Covid, health problems, life purpose/career change, seems like the last few months, worry comes and goes. I haven't adapted well to the do everything online transition. Introspection went from curious and enjoyable to ah crap I don't want to think about it, I just want to be at peace, but my mind won't seem to give me a choice some days. There are things that the Universe is apparently insisting that I give some thought to. I find a lot of comfort and attempt to embody the teachings in the Dao De Jing. Also, many Buddhist teachings resonate. Kind of a mixture of the two, with some Terence McKenna and Alan Watts thrown in. Sometimes, my mind drifts, I overthink, I begin to worry. I always think of Lao Tzu's question (s) "Can you coax your mind from its wandering and keep to the original oneness?" The answer is unfortunately at times, no, I can't seem to, but I'm making some progress. One of the mistakes I made was thinking that I had mastered contentment with solitude and staying present in the moment. Lesson learned. Some of the guided meditations on The Mindful Movement's YouTube channel have been helpful. Some of Thich Nhat Hanh's lectures have been like old friends for me too. And of course many of Leo's videos also.

I just listened to one of Terence McKenna's last interviews. He said if you want to meet real heroes go to the waiting room at one of your local cancer centers and look into the eyes of people in the waiting room. I'm so grateful to have so many thousands of hours of McKenna talks. He's like an old friend. Listening to his thoughts about death was strangely inspiring. He handled it with such dignity and grace. I immediately went outside and sat in the backyard. It was just the right time of day where there is plenty of shade, the sun was setting, and the temperature cooler. I was able to sit and just appreciate the trees swaying in the wind. The cool breeze across my face was refreshing. A taste of the magic I've been unable to see, right there in my own back yard.

Things I've recently begun to enjoy more: Planning meals, cooking, eating healthy Writing poetry Listening to birds sing Guided meditations

People I admire: Terence McKenna Alan Watts Thich Nhat Hanh Lao Tzu

Academically gifted, intellectually sharp, yet emotionally unintelligent, psychologically dumb, spiritually dead, and barely conscious is how I would describe most of our society right now.

Might we come up with better words to describe the undescribable than conscious, consciousness, god, enlightened, awakened, etc?

here's a quick hint. kenneth, a native american dude, navy, helped me out more than anyone in the whole damn place even tho it appearecd that he was knocking on death's door.taught me whow to roll my own cigarattes and everything. asked for nothing in return, except to occassionally get high with him. i wish he had seen your videos on overcoming addition.

just curious, do you follow any of thay's teachings?

the reason i ask is because homeless shelters 9if they even exist anymore9 are chock full of dogma and belief ... anddisbelief ... i would know 2 . the one i stayed at in asheville was like that, vets quarters . had the oddest encounter there. a christian minister who said he recovered fromsatanism and turned to jesus ... placed his hand on my shoulder and claimed to exercise demos out of me ...strangely enough . i felt better . even tho christianity and satanism seemed to directly contradict each other. and even tho after that things went very sideways for me which all seemeed to connect back to that experience? interested in learning more? could be the ultimate riddle to crack? @Leo Gura

question/? do you counsel homeless students?

ever heard of joan ciero? her video helped me discover a central theme anul tim ute life person/purpose course.

there are multiple paths in your exercise. i liked that.

2urMutha, Terenc bout to step in for a sec. Re@dy 2 meethim in purson? ME2 btw

More results...forthcoming...and always will be...u playin...or u flailinurwaybaxwurd

Karma means action. What creates action? Thoughts? Ideas? Ideas create thoughts? Thoughts create actions? Ideas >> Thoughts >> Actions? Ideas >> Thoughts >> Actions >> Motion? eMotion? beLiefs?? beLifes??? beLifEZ???? beLife????? Hint >> Believe in your self

What's an unsolvable riddle? That appears to be solved? Every step of the way? Only to remind you that it can't be solved? Only to tell you that you solved it again? Only to invite you to continue trying to solve it? Only to confuse you with the certainty that it is understood? Only to obscure you from realizing that mystery is not a solvable equation?

There's an inherent paradox within unity in which oneness becomes twoness. Nonduality becomes dual after becoming nondual from a different perspective...

inFinITy and BeyINd...