EmptyInside

There's a clip from a Terence McKenna speech that I have always loved. "The thing that makes you happy eventually makes you unhappy. Everything flows. Nothing lasts". "Nothing lasts, not even yourself". I've been feeling paralyzed for quite a few months. Bouts of meaninglessness. Anhedonia. Part of it I'm sure is related to physical health problems. GI issues that are getting more severe and I won't go to the doctor. I don't have insurance anyway but even if I did I wouldn't go. I've made appointments and i always cancel them. I have a terrible phobia of doctors and hospitals. I would rather work around my issues in my own way than seek expensive and invasive medial procedures even if that means a shorter life. Most people I share this with don't understand and I wouldn't expect them to. No kids, no significant other, not much family, not many friends, live alone. I've always enjoyed solitude. Lately, I struggle. Feel disconnected. So, it's time to reconnect with meaning and magic in life. It's time to redefine my passions, interests, and enjoyable life activities.

Listen to this guy's voice message to me on Facebook. This is what you sound like Leo. Probably has a few bodies buried under his basement too. He's not even into psyfchedelicks either. Maybe that's the only reason you don't yet.

I know @Leo Gura Loves Terence Mckenna so this video is espe.cia.lly 4u Leo. ;

ExXxaCcCvVvKkKTLieY what I exXxPeCiaKted to hear from ya @Leo Gura...crickets.

Lulz

"I'd rather be WHOLE than GOOD" ~Carl Jung Cya. This site, and IT's CREATOR, are USELESS & POINTLESS WASTE(s) of my TIME(andSpace) and TALENTS. Except 4u Loba, Much Much Love Dear. Really & Truly.

@Loba Thank you for sharing your deeply personal and "up close" experiences with "suicidal ideation". I, like you, have been right up to that edge. Was totally preparing for my own death, just like you were. The ONLY THING to PULL me back AWAY from THAT LEDGE, WAS G.O.D. you know, the guy @Leo Gura pretends to be. It means a lot that you were COURAGEOUS enough to comment on MY post since EVERY OTHER PERSON on this "GOD-FORSAKEN" forum is (like a GHOST), M.I.A. I know that YOU speak from PERSONAL EXPERIENCE, which is pristinely SELF-EVIDENT. I WONDER if LEO has any PERSONAL LIVED DIRECT EXPERIENCE with being RIGHT UP AT THAT EDGE?? Since COUNTLESS INDIVIDUALS on this VERY FORUM, are HIGHLY SUICIDAL after LISTENING TO HOURS OF LEO'S EGO RANTS. Leo, is a tool. He KNOWS PRECICELY DICK about SUICIDE AWARENESS and PREVENTION. Which is EXACTLY WHY between LEO and his MILLIONS OF FOLLOWERS, every POST that I have POSTED on his "ACTUALIZED" "FORUM" have been met with, with very few exceptions, CRICKETS.

Encountered nothing but resistance on Facebook, one of the most malignant and cancerous websites EVER DEVISED, a site which contributes to more suicides each year than we could POSSIBLY CALCULATE, created and maintained, by Jews. Ever noticed that "devised" "devices" and "DEVIL" start with the same 3 letters? I'll be waiting for the typical "demand an apology" line of talk, and no, you won't get one from me. Sorry NOT SSorry.

Would love to get some "honest" "objective" feedback on this "video". Hint, they're ALMOST all "jewish 'americans'" and VERY "highly eduumuhcated" Genocide is Genocide is Genocide. Isn't this "Holocaust Remembrance Day" too?

So let's do the math, Both Healthunlocked.com and Actualized.org keep DELETING this IMAGE? Wow, just HOW "Actualized" are you @Leo Gura Ok, maybe i was being a dumbass and didn't scroll to page 2. That's just how much resistance I'm getting when trying to have an honest conversation about the "demographics" of "suicide". Forgive my "jumping to conclussions".

Hate to be "that guy" since this is apparently a "taboo angle" to the whole "suicide issue" but I do a disservice to myself by not being "real" if I don't share this image. Certainly not the only group that struggles with "depression" and ANY SUICIDE is a TRADGEDY. But this seems like a good place to have an open and honest discussion about it. Seeing some very good replies and feeling like i'm in the right place to have this conversation.

A while back, I was struggling with some "emotional imbalances". I stumbled upon "CBT: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy". It was a breath of fresh air. Instead of looking at my thought(s) like "ugh, what the hell's wrong with me?" i was like, "no biggie, just some bad vibes on the network". "Cognitive Distortions". "bad programming". Started identifying the thoughts, instantly, as basically "an error". "logic error". Freed me right on up. I would give you bunch of videos to watch but that would be pointless when everything you need to know is right in the attached image. All of these are different types of "error codes" in our thinking and emotional "processing" centers. Just playing the "devil's advocate" for a moment, I can totally understand how someone I formerly worked with who only "observed" the "friendly, compassionate, considerate, non=judgmental, encourager" characteristic traits of my personality could potentially be, themselves, "traumatized" by seeing that those characteristic traits of my personality are just a small portion of who I honestly am, my HONEST TRUE Self. My Authentic Self. My Genuine Authentic Self is ALL OF THAT, I am honestly & genuinely that caring considerate "nice guy". I truly am. But, Here's the Kicker, I suppressed a WHOLE HELLUVA LOT, to PRESENT to yOU that CALM COOL EXTERIOR. Smh. Just not healthy. Not by any stretch of the imagination. We should all know this by now in the mental health and psychology worlds. So my Honest Self, My Authentic Self, is th e "nice guy" with a whole lot of "psychological upgrades" added, and some of those upgrades include "verbally lashing out" if necessary to prevent suppression of "toxic emotions" which build up and form "neurosis". All part of my own little "self care algorithm" I'm working on, just doing some "reprogramming", some "self care reprograming". Weeding out ALL "self sabotage" and "self defeating thoughts" of "shame" and "guilt" and "regret". Stuff we talk about ALL THE TIME in "RecoverY", right? Just cracking up on the Inside. Speaking of "inside", if I REACT INTERNALLY (Inside) to something some dumbass said on the OUTSIDE, and I DON'T EXPRESS that "Internal Reaction" EXTERNALLY, then I'm doing NOTHING but COMMITTING "self-harm" by SUPPRESSING those EMOTIONS>a weell d o c u m e n t e d <psycho logical> <<FACT>>. So just remember that the next time you tell someone "stop being so 'reactive'". Those emotions gotta go somewhere >> in the 'out' direction, otherwise... [||||<TRAUMA>||||] & [||||<UNWELLNESS>||||].

On the subject of Alan watts, this is by far my fav lecture. He is so ON FIRE in this audio recording, just wow. Chuang Tzu is how I prefer to spell it and pronounce it. He's even more on point than Lao Tzu was. And the dude is EXTREMELY funny!!

Anyone have anything that can top this?

The first one is very much to my liking. I, like Terence McKenna, consider "Trance" to be my favorite of all genres. It has that "Trance" vibe and the Alan Watts sound bytes are superb. Love that guy. Love to hear him laugh, like a maniac, like he did frequently. It cheers me right up. Never heard this one before and added it my "private stash" playlist. The second one, Serendipity. One of my favorite words. Never heard this song either and absolutely Love It. Catchy. Nice hook. "something's watching over me". Yep. The whole "mysterious ways" and all. SUPREMELY "serendipitous". Love that line. This is certainly a "keeper". How have I never heard this song? See, so GLAD i ASKED. Have you ever seen the movie "Serendipity"? John Cusack. What's her face. One of the greatest movies ever made, I watch it every Christmas. Keeps me company. AND it's a "chick flick" too kinda. I don't care. I love it all the same. Love the melodic piano in the third track. Did I mention I'm a musician. I've been known to record tracks that sound surprisingly similar to this one. Reminds me of my 0self. Great one to "open up those chakras to". Imo. Thank you thank you thank you! I LOVE people who aren't susceptible to "flattery" and "love bombing" too. That speaks volumes.

Hello The0Self. Listening to them now. Now THIS is my kinda music. I could tell we were kindred spirits. Seen your posts elsewhere on the forums. HIGHLY impressed. I'll give you some feedback when I've finished thoroughly enjoying these 3 songs you shared. Thank you!

I wrote these "inspired words" the other night when discussing the whole "paradox" concept that Leo and Myself are both intrigued by. Sure, it sounds arrogant and condescending, but when in Rome, right? What do you think? -------------------------------------- I'll act dumb then outsmart you. I'll act crazy then show you how crazy YOu ur. I'm 1000 steps ahead and 10 miles behind you. You won't understand because you can't understand. I'll act hateful to expose HATE in YOUR HEART. I'll be the hypocrite to expose YOUR HYPOCRISY. Your brilliant. I'm cunning. i'm the fox and the wolf and the raven and the crow. "I'm the shrapnel from the Explosion, hit you in the FACE while you POSING" ~Ice Cube --------------------------------------

Loba, oh yeah Wow. Love that intro. Totally has that same "no better / no worse" underlying theme. Ambient is Great to kick back and meditate to also. One of my favorite genres. Thank you! And i know this isn't "music" per say, but in keeping with the whole "humility" theme this video is powerful stuff. Confession, I had never heard the term "the stink of humility" until i watched this video. Hats off to Mr Eisenstein (sp?): p

One of my favorite Beach Boys songs Phil. My dad even loves Beach Boys. He hates me, lol, but loves his beach boys and he's highly "religious" too if you know what i mean. Thank you. I had forgotten i needed to listen to that one again. Thanks Michal. Can't believe i didn't notice that. I feel like a total moron. Thanks for being so much smarter than me. This is slowly becoming one of my favorites too.

have you ever heard of a more simplistic and accurate definition of "humility' than "I'm no better and I'm no worse"? It doesn't have that "stink of humility" that the "holier than thou" type humility has.

Oooohh. Nice one. I LOVE Bach. Definitely Listening to it right now. Love that organ. Ever hear that "Hooked on Bach" album that was done with all synthesizers? What an amazing work of sonic mastery that was. Thanks for sharing.

Super fascinating. No results. Hmm. Lol.

@Taus I love the Title of your post. Couldn't agree more. I think God regret's creating this hellhole sometimes. You are exactly right about the ego, it's impossible to transcend the ego completely. Anyone who suggests otherwise, like Leo (one of THE most EGOTISTICAL fake gurus on the planet) is lying to you. The best you can do is come to a "I'm no better / I'm no worse" mindset and operate from there. True statement. Trust in God to guide you through. He'll walk you through the valley of death while the snakes slither all around you. Funny to hear Leo say Love, is that the "unconditional" type you're referring to there Leo? who won't even allow me to "tag" him? Lol. "Love" is NOT AFRAID mr Gura.

One of if not THE greatest songs ever written. All about "facing one's own hypocrisy". Something I struggled with myself for many many years. Once we HEAL ourSELVES we can HELP OTHERS HEAL 2 https://healthunlocked.com/anxiety-depression-support/posts/147928803/struggling-depressed-lonely-anxious?responses

Since Leo or one of his Genius Moderators moved my post to "Journals" after I specifically asked him NOT TO, I'll go ahead and re-share this HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT POST, and EXTEND to LEO or his GENIUS MODERATOR Richard the same invitation I'm extending to any other Actualized.org forum member.