Farnaby

I was watching one of your videos in which you talk about the law of state transference @Leo Gura and this is something I have been aware of my whole life but I wasn't sure if I was projecting and misinterpreting that emotional "contagion". It's actually a fascinating thing IMO. The problem for us folks who struggle with social anxiety is that knowing that my anxiety and feelings of unease in my own body transfer to other people is yet another source of anxiety lol. I guess the key is to stop ruminating about this and just practice a lot and work on getting into a good relaxed mood but sometimes I can't help thinking: "don't be anxious, you're gonna make other people uncomfortable", which, as you can imagine, just creates more anxiety. Would love to hear your thoughts on this.

I'm not sure synchronicities exist. It could be confirmation bias. For instance, let's say you really want a specific car. You start to see it more often. Is it appearing more often because you want it, or were you just not noticing it before because you weren't thinking about it? How often do you think of someone and they don't call you? That's probably the norm. But when it happens, we tend to assume that we somehow "attracted" that call, when it was probably just a coincidence. Do the math and you will probably find out that things like these happen very rarely and that the most common scenario is that you think of someone and they don't call you. It's impossible to affirm that there isn't something more "paranormal" going on and I have personally experienced some pretty wild coincidences, but the easiest explanation is usually the most accurate one.

Hi! When I'm around people I tend to automatically read their emotional state and it often throws me out of balance. Often, if I sense that someone is uncomfortable I start to feel very uncomfortable and ungrounded. Then, the more ungrounded I become, the more I start to focus on subtle signs of distress in other people and it becomes a vicious cycle. This doesn't always happen but sometimes it's so intense that I'm completely drained afterwards and need a lot of alone time to recharge. If anyone else experiences this, how do you manage it? Thank you!

@Ajax I would say my nervous system over-reacted to something I picked up in them. I don't think they put those feelings in me since I am the one experiencing them. It's just an automatic thing that happens, like a button that gets pushed and initiates a cascade of unpleasant sensations and thoughts. It's not something I chose to experience. Today the opposite happened. I was nervous at a doctor's appointment and the doctor's gentle/warm energy helped me settle down very quickly. She didn't "put" the calmness in me, but a rude/cold doctor would have probably made it very difficult for me to relax.

@Ajax What do you mean?

@Yimpa Thank you, that's very helpful and it's kind of what I have been doing intuitively lately and you're right it's very healing

Oh that's definitely possible. When I'm calm I tend to notice more positive emotions in others and when I'm distressed it's the other way around. Is that what you mean? Not so sure about my own feelings though. When I'm overwhelmed or anxious, I can clearly feel it. Could you expand on how my perception of my own feelings could be inaccurate?

I had to laugh imagining myself saying it out loud when I'm with people I think that could help, but sometimes reading their emotional state is automatic. What I can do is affirm what you said so that I don't hyperfixate on how they are feeling. Noticing but not focusing too much on it. Thanks for sharing that. I do notice I'm more grounded when I live a clean life as well

Hi! No, I don't really believe in these things, but maybe I can visualize some kind of comforting "energy" instead. How did you gain control over it? Yes, sometimes, but to a lesser degree and I can handle it a lot better. When I'm around other people it sometimes feels like over-stimulation, where their distress triggers my distress and it's hard for me to feel grounded. Around other people there's also the added stress of not wanting other people to notice that I'm struggling.

I think you're trying to find a way to not have to deal with your unpleasant feelings. "If I know how to perfectly respond in such a situation, I won't have to feel like I want to punch a wall". Yes, it's good to work on your assertiveness to better handle tense social situations, but that's not what you're saying that you want to develop. What you're describing will only get you in more trouble. Respect people and most people will respect you. Negative emotions spread very easily. I think learning how to handle your negative emotions instead of dumping them on other people is a better approach.

That has to be MDMA have yet to try some of the other classic ones though.

Do you think learning to tolerate the unpleasant bodyload is part of the process or is it better to use another psychedelic? I ask this because shrooms always make me feel a bit sick/nauseous and some people say this is also something to embrace and not resist.

I think it's impossible to not show any interest when you like a girl. What's important is to work on your neediness because it repels women but also people in general. If she senses that you need her a little bit too much she won't be attracted to you. In my experience, the more you have going on for yourself the less desperate you are because you're already reasonably fulfilled and you don't depend on a girl wanting to be with you to feel good. Also, don't bother with inmature girls who aren't into you and who play games. Yes, some level of games is always present when you're flirting but some people just want to use you and you don't want a relationship with them anyways.

Thank you! I think this is the key, although it's really hard to do sometimes because my nervous system often reacts very strongly and automatically when I notice the distress in someone else. I think I need to keep working on relaxing/allowing it when this happens instead of trying to control it because that only makes me more anxious.

Yes you're right. When I don't overthink things I can be quite charismatic naturally and the more I practice the better it gets. I agree, but it has to be calibrated or you may end up looking like a psychopath lol Strong but playful eye contact works best IMO

Maybe, although I have gotten laid being extremely nervous so that's not really true in my experience. But it definitely makes things flow less smoothly. So how can you have this awareness (of the law of state transference) and not let it make you more anxious?

Dude, I have experienced the same thing so often. I have to remind myself not to get stuck in my thoughts and come back to the present moment. I agree that trying to "calm down" usually backfires. Same as focusing on breathing. Sometimes it helps, sometimes I start obsessing over how I'm not breathing correctly lol

Not true at all. There are a lot of things we don't know about mental health issues and the human psyche, but there's also a lot we do know about the mechanisms that maintain and worsen these issues and what we need to do to change that. Venting is ok and it can be "healing" to an extent because we tend to carry a lot of shame around our issues, but it usually doesn't solve things. It can but it can also turn into mental masturbation. Finding out what is negatively impacting your mental health and changing your habits is what solves things. And if you have experienced trauma, you may need to work on that as well.

It would raise my alarms too if I had a therapist who said something like that, but she may just be concerned about you getting into trouble because sometimes people get so attached to spiritual beliefs that they can't function well in society and that has negative consequences on mental health. Since you say you generally click well, I think before deciding to find another therapist it could actually be a good opportunity to be honest about your feelings and tell her that you don't feel completely comfortable to open up because of these kinds of remarks. If she gets defensive or something worse then definitely look for another therapist. A good therapist would take this seriously and it could actually lead to you becoming less afraid to show your true self.

It is amazing when it happens, but I would agree that it's unrealistic to expect it to always happen. In my experience, the fewer expectations you obsess over, the better the experience is because you can be truly present. It's a bit like dancing. If you worry about dancing "perfectly" you are going to be stiff and dance worse. Learning to get out of your head and to normalize "screwing up" is very important in sex and every other aspect of life IMO.

This is how I think about this. Instead of fake smiling, try to find ways to make yourself feel genuinely in a good mood from the inside. Easier said than done, but it works and in my experience it tends to attract people because we humans like to be around positive energy. Does this mean you shouldn't allow yourself to feel and express anything but joy? Of course not. Let yourself feel however you feel and I agree that you shouldn't hide it to manipulate other people. But if you can find ways to get yourself to feel more joy, why wouldn't you do it? Smiling will occur naturally when you are in a good mood and not taking yourself too seriously.

Be yourself. Don't overthink it. Feel like writing? Write. Don't feel like it? Don't. Let go of trying to control the outcome and just have fun with the process. Now here's the paradox: if you let go of the outcome hoping that it will get you the outcome you want, can you see that you are still trying to control the outcome? It's one of those "problems" that's impossible to solve. In my experience, the best advice I can give you is to have fun. If you're having fun, girls will be more drawn to you.

@blueberries thank you. I agree with your perspective. There were many good things in this relationship, but I definitely abandoned myself too much and there was a big incompatibility around having children. @universe pretty much, except that I didn't ditch them. It was more that sometimes I wouldn't join them even though I wanted to. When I'm single I'm also more on the introverted side so I don't hang out with them as often as they do (also because they are very into drinking and stuff which I don't like to do as often). But I definitely stayed at home when I actually didn't want to be around that negative energym which I think is a mistake.

Hi! A few months ago I broke up with my ex girlfriend and I've been reflecting a lot on how I often abandoned myself in the relationship. For example, when I saw her feeling sad or we had recently had an argument and there was unresolved tension I forced myself to stay with her trying to solve the problem and feel connected to each other again. This sometimes worked but it was a pattern that made me not meet my friends quite often when I actually wanted to be with them (because I felt guilty for leaving her alone at home). I think my intuition is telling me that I should allow myself to follow what makes me feel lighter and not take on so much responsibility for fixing things. But I read so many posts about how it's inmature and narcissistic to "abandon" your partner when they aren't feeling good that I get confused. I don't think that really apllies to me because in my relationships I always try to communicate and don't like sweeping problems under the rug. But when you try and the other person is non-receptive I think it's unhealthy for me to keep trying to get the communication flowing. I'd love to hear your thoughts on this!

What resonates most is wanting to feel harmony and the fear of losing her and both seem to be two sides of the same coin.