Farnaby

Thanks everyone for your input. I pretty much agree with most of what you said. It's also clear to me that identifying too much with the belief "some people are less conscious than me", can shape my reality in a not so joyful way, whereas seeing it more nuanced lets me enjoy every relationship for what it is. @Forestluv I love this topic. I think you're right that many problems that manifest physically can be improved through working on our minds, psychology and so on, but we shouldn't assume every illness is entirely psychosomatic. Would love to know more about the kind of facilitators you're talking about. You mean stuff like reiki or somatic experiencing? @Scholar thanks for the insight. I still have trouble seeing the "I'm the Creator" part in my direct experience. I do see however how our beliefs and so on work as a self fulfilling prophecy and influence our reality.

@BipolarGrowth IME this is a phase that comes and goes. I think of it as another thought story from the ego that needs to feel special, different from other people, etc. I do think that many people numb their consciousness more often than others, but I'm not sure that means they are generally less conscious. Maybe they embody some spiritual stuff more than we think. When this thought story is transcended, you can start to appreciate every relationship for what it is.

@krockerman in my experience the root cause of suffering is resisting the unfolding of reality. If your present experience is unpleasant and you resist that you suffer. If you accept it, you may feel all sorts of unpleasant stuff, but it will flow through you. I've personally not experienced 24/7 of joy, but every time I fall back into suffering I can see how I'm resisting reality in some way. When I let go of that resistance, joy comes naturally. Not saying this is the only root of suffering but at least for someone who has his basic needs met, and who isn't being tortured or something extreme like that, I would argue that we create our own suffering by resisting what is. Pleasure comes from fulfilling desires, but I think there's truth in the statement "joy is our natural state".

@jerrypua "The Untethered Soul" by Michael Singer. I liked that one better than The power of now.

@aklacor727 Oh I understand your first post better now. Yes, you're right that forgiving on the mental level is one thing, but your body may not feel ready to open up again yet. In that case, I think couples therapy + a trauma informed/trained therapist for your own therapy would be a good idea. Also, while it's important to keep each other emotions in mind, you can't really control if he will feel rejected, insecure, etc. That's probably his stuff he needs to work through. At the same time, as a guy who has felt that way, I agree that communication can go a long way, because otherwise the awkwardness, the subtle tension and disconnection, while pretending that everything's fine can be very triggering (not saying that you're doing that, just something from my experience in case it helps you). When we're triggered or shut-down, it's usually not a good time to start problem solving. But when you feel that way, you can let him know how you're feeling and decide to find a time to talk through all this stuff when you're both in a more grounded state.

@Forestluv @Leo Gura hmm, that's interesting. Don't you think that when you're in an enlightened state and see your ego for what it is, most neuroses lose their power over you? IME, more awareness = less "toxic" behaviors, less anxieties and less monkey mind.

Thank you @Forestluv @Leo Gura , that's how I see it too. I was also thinking about this topic on a more societal level. For instance, I think that some people are more aware of their patterns and taking more responsibility over them than the average person.

@aklacor727 This is one of the questions that is on my mind very often. I agree with @Eph75 . We often think we need certain things (such as having freedom to leave our clothes on the floor) and when we really explore these things, they are often needs from another developmental stage that we are clinging to but that aren't actually good for us. Not saying one has to give up those "needs" but I think it's important to honestly ask oneself if that is a real need we have to pursue to feel fulfilled or if it comes from ego (i.e "I don't want people to tell me how I should do stuff so I rebel against that"). There are needs that I think are more complex. Let's say one partner has a higher sex drive than the other one. It's easy to get triggered and become pushy if you're the one with the higher libido, but that will only make your partner close down. IME, by relaxing, letting go, becoming present to what's unfolding and taking full responsibility over your sexual needs, you don't need to force things and that often leads your partner to open up again. And if he/she doesn't and it's a recurrent issue, you can try different stuff (couples therapy, work on communicating better, exploring which dynamics aren't helping or even consider breaking up if it's a deal breaker for you). IMO one has to decide how important those needs are, but not only listen to the ego.

@RichnNL yes, I kind of agree that stuffing your mind full of spiritual concepts and so on can be a form of avoiding your "problems". I think it's important to work on your "material life", without forgetting that nothing is permanent and you have to be careful not to get lost in the rat race pursuing material achievments that will only distract you from the inner void.

@RoerAmit I think trying yo accept ourselves can easily become a trap, because you are trying to accept yourself to become something that you aren't yet, so by trying to accept yourself you actually are doing the opposite than accepting yourself (not sure if that makes sense lol). I like Alan Watts take on this. He says something like "don't try to accept yourself more than you can right now". What works for me is noticing when I'm lost in a thought story about myself or other people and bring my attention back to the present moment and relax. That way, you start to let go of stuff you usually are identified with, but you don't force yourself in this process. Also, making space for emotions is important. If your mother judges you or used to do it, it's normal that you get triggered. You are human and stuff will trigger you. What you can do is learn to not resist what's going on inside of you and let your body process those experiences. Hope this helps!

@Striving for more Hi! I'm from Spain. If you're looking for cheap rents, bars, restaurants , good beaches and so on I would recommend the south of Spain (Andalucía). Granada is very nice with lots of stuff to do for young people, ski slopes nearby and the beach is not too far away. Never lived there myself though. Any city in southern Spain will probably be the cheapest you can find. The canary islands aren't too expensive either and they probably have the best climate in Spain. However, I would personally wait a bit until the Covid situation gets a bit better, but that's just me and it's not like we have it worse than other european countries (Germany is getting hit very badly by Covid right now).

Hi! I've heard different opinions on this topic. Some people say you can only be aware of your monkey mind and learn not to fuel it and other people say it's possible to have a completely quiet mind. In my experience, my mind has never been completely quiet. I would describe the most blissful states I've experienced as my mind not sticking to any particular thought, emotion, perception and letting everything flow smoothly. But I don't remember a time where it has been completely empty. Is it actually possible? What is your experience like? Thank you

Thank you all for sharing your thoughts and experiences! Maybe I have experimented that "empty mind" state, but it only lasts for a very short period of time. Let's say I notice I'm lost in my thoughts. I can bring my attention back to the present moment, but very quickly my mind will start labeling things I'm perceiving (chair, room, trees, thoughts, cold, warm, etc.). It's definitely not as bad as it was when I got completely identified with the thought stories and emotions, but it's usually not completely quiet either. I do think I spend most of the day being aware that I'm aware and with a certain distance between me and what is happening in my mind and outside, which has helped me let go of a lot of reactions that came from my wounded ego. @Forestluv thank you, I'll check that book out

Hi everyone! I've recently read the book "The Untethered Soul" by Michael Singer and I really liked his down to earth approach to Mindfulness. I've been practicing noticing whenever something triggers me, relaxling and allowing it instead of distracting myself or acting out on it. As soon as I do this, in a few minutes I'm calm and feel more open, with more energy and less shut-down. However, I'm worried if this may be a form of bypassing what I'm feeling when I'm triggered because it's like gently going against my impulse (for example shutting-down or getting into a verbal fight). It would be nice to hear your experiences and what you think of this

Thanks for sharing!

Thank you! That's what I'm practicing. I usually don't "explode" when I'm angry, but I sometimes act passive aggressively or repress my anger but feel shut-down and disconnected towards people who I feel have hurt me. Now, with this kind of mindfulness, it usually is quite easy to let go and not hold any grudges. That's why I was concerned I may be bypassing the emotions. Yep, that's likely it, thank you! I think being a psychologist has conditioned me to believe one needs to express anger so it doesn't build up. Seeing how I don't really need to express it but just allow myself to process it and let go of it I second-guess myself thinking "this is just another form of repressing your feelings. If you do this you will allow people to treat you badly, etc.". Probably just an ego backlash lol

Freezing is a normal response when our nervous system detects a threat and we feel like we can't escape. Trauma dysregulates the nervous system and we usually can't think our way out of it through rationality, affirmations and so on. The stuck "energy" from the fear and so on needs to be completely felt, processed and sometimes expressed. The best way to do this as far as I know is in a safe therapy setting and I would reccomend a somatic experiencing practitioner or at least a trauma informed therapist. This will allow you to relax and allow these feelings to come to the surface in small doses so you can hold space for them and bring your nervous system back to a regulated state. Good luck!

I really enjoyed his take on spirituality and thought it might be worth sharing this video

@BlackMaze this question is often on my mind. I think intuition is like a "calm knowing". The difference with an intrusive thought for me is that intrusive thoughts appear when I'm triggered. Sometimes underneath those thoughts there is an intuition, but I don't usually take what those thoughts are telling me literally. For instance, I may feel in fight/flight energy and my mind may tell me: "this isn't right, you should leave". But that's not an intuition IMO. If I relax, I can further inspect what's happening and I often find out that I don't really want to leave, I'm just scared of something.

@AlwaysJoggin explore what the gambling does for you. Does it make you feel alive? Does it make you feel joyful, excited, powerful? We use to only focus on the detrimental consequences of addictions, but the key to overcoming them is knowing what they do for you. You already know you can lose everything you have by gambling, but what it does for you in the short term seems to be more attractive. Actually, focusing too much on the "negatives" usually makes you want to indulge in your addiction even more to feel relief from the guilt, etc. When you know what it helps you achieve, you can start to look for "healthier" ways to feel those things and also be mindful of how you're preventing yourself from feeling those things in your "sober" life.

@BornToBoil I think like everything else pick up can become something that one can overthink, which would defeat the purpose. I honestly would focus on general confidence, doing stuff that ignites your passion for life, etc., and you will probably not need the pick up techniques. That being said, understanding the general principles of attraction, charisma and practicing social skills is never a bad idea and as far as I know, some pick up out there can help a lot with all of that. Personally, I've never intentionally practiced pick up and I've had a few long term relationships and a few one night stands. I'm sure I could have gotten laid more often if I actively learnt and practiced pick up and I admit that my fear of approaching women would make me identify with thought stories like "nah, I don't find her THAT attractive", "this is just going to be weird, let's better not do it" and so on. So I'm sure a part of my rejection to try pick up stuff was out of fear. However, what I really always want deep down isn't just getting laid with a high number of women but a deeper connection and intimacy. Not saying you can't get that through pick up, but pick up isn't the only way. Paradoxically when I've been less fixated on meeting women and just doing my thing, having fun, etc., that's when I met women without having to think too much about it

@BornToBoil While you may be right that you're having trouble with social skills, be careful to not 100% believe your thought stories, because they will influence the outcome. Ask yourself: how would I show up in life if I was confident and had social skills? Then go and do it even if you have negative thoughts about yourself. Embody that (if you change your body posture, tone of voice, etc. to a more confident attitude, you will actually start to feel more confident), experiment with it and watch the magic happen We usually get fixated on the things we think we lack and that actually prevents us from breaking the patterns and works like a self-fulfilling prophecy. When you align yourself with what feels good for you, you will eventually meet girls without having to talk to random strangers on the street (btw, nothing against people who do that, it just doesn't resonate with me )

@BornToBoil I personally resonate with your line of thinking. Not saying that a big part of that mental narrative isn't the fear of approaching speaking. There's probably a lot of truth to that. But I wouldn't completely dismiss it if you think it's telling you that something about pick up isn't in alignment with you. In my experience, when you work on your confidence, your triggers and learn how to get out of your head, flirting usually comes easily and naturally. If pick up helps you with that, great. But I wouldn't reccomend just copying some scripts and tactics that don't resonate with your authenticity. I know that's not what "good" pick up is about, but I can't help to notice that vibe in a lot of people who follow those pick up gurus lol IMO if it's fake, girls will notice it.

@WonderSeeker thanks for sharing. I liked the talk but I think he's a bit dogmatic about certain things (erotism in men only located in genitals, missionary = bad position, etc.). I do agree though that we have forgotten how to really connect and take things slowly.

@meow_meow I think we often fall into the trap of guilting/shaming ourselves for doing the stuff we would like to transcend. IME this only leads to repression and creating a shadow around those impulses. What has worked for me personally is to cut myself some slack and just be mindful when I'm doing things that can potentially become a problem. I don't mean falling for egoic excuses like "everyone has addictions" but approaching all this with curiosity and being honest with myself about when those habits are starting to have detrimental consequences in my life. IMO if you just repress and shame yourself when you "relapse", you're going to create a lot of tension which will only beg for a short-term release. With the cold beer and cheetos example it would be something like: - I have a strong urge to buy that - If I can catch that urge and sit with it, great. No problem if I end up buying it. I will have created space around the urge and at least increased my awareness of what drives me to "unhealthy" habits and also my tolerance for discomfort. - If the urge is too strong, I will try to be mindful while I drink the beer and eat the cheetos and see how I feel during and after. - If I didn't do that mindfully, I will try to reflect afterwards on everything that has led to that "unconscious" behaviour (maybe I had a fight with my partner or maybe I'm burnt out, just explore with an open mind). At least that seems to work for me. And as @vibv said, I think we have to acknowledge that a part of us (our short-term reward oriented brain) doesn't want to give that up. It's just the way we're wired. Hope this helps