Farnaby

@Devi Shanti 26 and 28

@ajasatya Oh OK, I see We'll have to think about that

@Michael569 Yes, I think there may be something related to my parents holding back (especially my father). The weird thing is I don't think my mother held back that much and for some reason I can't express as much love to her as I feel she needs. I will keep working on that when I meditate, thank you @ajasatya Yeah, I think there is some truth in your statement about a longevous intimate relationship requiring a deep link. Sometimes I feel that deep link, sometimes I don't, I'm a bit bipolar in that sense lol. Maybe I'm just scared to fully open up. At this point in my life, I don't want any children because I feel it would require a lot of commitment and responsibility that I don't want to have right now

@Michael569 Thank you! I will read Peck's book. I recently read the way of the superior man and it resonated a lot with me and the relationship with my girlfriend. I seem to feel two conflicting parts inside of me (especially when I feel disconnected from my girlfriend): one part wants to reconnect and another part feels/thinks if it takes effort it isn't authentic and there's no point in doing it. So I frequently end up feeling stuck between these two "impulses". I have to add that this isn't something new, it happens in all of my relationships, especially with my parents. It feels as if there's something holding me back from giving and opening up to love. @ajasatya A part of me is willing to grow together and overcome those challenges together, but when I feel disconnected from her there's another part of me that seems to be very strong that considers that love should flow spontaneously and should not require an effort. As I said above, it's as if there's a part of me that wants to give and receive love and another part that only wants to do that if I really feel it in the moment. Thank you! @Emerald Thank you! I will definitely try tantra, since mindfulness and not rushing things during sex do connect us very deeply. The problem is we (and probably it's more me than her) fall back into disconnection very easily. I understand that we're unlikely to feel that crushy hot feeling again, but if I need to make an effort to give love it doesn't feel right since it feels forced and not authentic. But maybe that's just a hurt part of my ego clinging to that story, I don't know.

Hi everyone! Leo's video about Body Awareness and how to relax your body resonated a lot with me. I tend to feel lots of psychosomatic symptoms such as digestive problems, neck tension, cold hands and feet, sometimes nervous tics or muscle spasms. I'm pretty sure most of them are due to my difficulty to relax and get out of my head. What I find really difficult whenever I try to directly feel my body and my emotions is precisely that, to get out of my head and stop interpreting what I'm feeling. It's really hard for me to tell the difference between actually feeling something and thinking that I'm feeling it. Does anyone have any tips for this? Another thing that I noticed is when I'm sitting and relaxing tense parts of my body, I can let go of that tension but after a short period, my posture becomes too relaxed (spaghettilike describes it pretty well lol) and I don't know if that's how it should feel because dropping every muscle tension leads to a kind of unhealthy sitting position. I don't know if this makes any sense but it's the best I can describe what it feels like. Maybe I need to work out my abs and core in order to be able to relax without completely loosing the tension that is needed to maintain a healthy body position? Thank you

@Truth Addict That's interesting lol. I always thought my schedule isn't as busy as it should be (compared to people who go to work 8 hours a day early in the morning and don't have as much leisure time as I have). Or are you taking about the kind of things I do and not so much about how many things I do each day?

IMO since spiritual work allows to accept your reality how it is, shows you how everything is impermanent and helps you disidentify from your thoughts, it helps a lot with healing the shadow. In order to heal our shadow we need to accept it and embrace it (instead of hiding it and not wanting to feel certain things). I can't think of a more profound way to do this than spiritual work, meditation, etc., although there are lots of other ways to get in touch with your shadow and work on it (psychotherapy, journalling, etc.). Of course meditation can be used just as a healthy habit, but I think you can use it in order to heal the shadow too. @Leo Gura Could you expand on this idea of there being many layers that aren't the focused through meditation?

@Truth Addict On weekdays I get up around 8:45 or 10:30 depending on the work I have to do. I shower, eat breakfast and work (or surf the internet if I don't have to work) until 14:00. I prepare lunch and eat at 14:30 or 15:00 usually. After that, I take a nap or watch some TV (yes, I love sleeping lol). I continue working until 19-20h (all this depends on how much work I have to do, because I am self-employed). Two times a week I do martial arts in the evening. I have dinner around 22h and sometimes I spend time with friends, play some videogames or watch TV with my girlfriend until 1AM when I usually go to bed and I tend to fall asleep around 2AM. That's how my typical day looks like at this moment in my life. In between all this I do household chores like washing dishes, washing clothes, etc. On weekends I usually wake up later (11-12) and sometimes I work a little and other times I just chill with my girlfriend and/or friends and go to bed a little later than on weekdays.

@JohnnyBravo Wouldn't there be clear symptoms of dehydration in urine for example? I will keep an eye on my water and salt intake nevertheless. @Rilles Thank you, that makes sense. I've tried that a couple of times and sometimes it makes the anxiety dissolve, but other times it makes me feel ungrounded. @arlin Yes, you're right, martial arts really resonate with me, I practice Kung Fu. Haven't heard about Felldenkreis Method, but I will check it out. @Elisabeth Ok, thanks a lot @Serotoninluv That's my experience too when I try to stick to a traditional and static posture. I thought maybe pushing through and not letting the discomfort distract me could be beneficial, but at the same time I'm not sure if ignoring my discomfort is a good idea. I have never done yoga, but I will check out Yin Yoga. @Leo Gura I will research Vipassana retreats a bit, although right now it seems too much for me but it's definitely something that I want to give a try some time. However I wonder if the insights stick when you get back to your normal routine with all the distractions. I suppose you need to be very disciplined but not too rigid in order to be able to have normal relationships with people too.

@Truth Addict I actually don't do too many different things each day, but I know I tend to stay in my confort zone and maybe I need to stop doing that Thank you! @Elisabeth If I understand you right, not relaxing the entire body is the right thing to do when you sit? And just focus on relaxing the tension that is not required, such as jaw tension? @JohnnyBravo Thanks a lot, you may be right about the dehydration part, although I think there's psychological aspects involved in my tension too (such as fear of letting go and trusting the process, etc.) I guess you're right and I should be mindful of the moments where I get too concerned if I'm doing it right, etc., and just let go of that need to control everything. It's really difficult to do though and kind of frustrating @Hellspeed Yes, my breath tends to be shallow and feel incomplete when I pay attention to it. When I breathe mindfully there seem to be some blocks that prevent a fulfilling flow of breath. @JohnnyBravo Haha no need to be sorry, I really appreciate your advice and will drink more water. I actually get allergic asthma sometimes (I get pretty strong allergies in spring, with a clogged nose, itchy eyes, sneezing, skin hives, etc.). When the doctor tested me for allergies I reacted to almost every potential allergen And panic attacks are something that I have experienced too, although they tend to be related to a very deep fear of surrendering, but dehydration may play a role in that too. @Rilles Can you expand a little more on this?

Very interesting topic. I think the best way to approach this is to get rid of the belief of a body that's separated from the mind or the duality between physical and psychological. We are a complete organism, separation is only a way to describe different parts but they all work together. If you have anxiety for example and you look at the brain, there probably are differences compared to a completely health brain. Does that mean that the cause of anxiety is a problem in the brain? Yes and no, because it's more complex than that. I think to understand mental illness you have to take several things into account: - the person's life history: especially early childhood experiences - their habits - their beliefs - to what extent they are living alligned with their inner purpose - to what extent they express freely And possibly a lot of other variables that are causing the symptoms that we can label.

This resonates with me a lot. Recently I had an experience where I went to sleep after smoking some weed and I went very deep into my mind, my body sensations, etc. There was an inner voice/intuition inviting me to surrender but there was also a lot of fear of loosing touch with reality or even dying if I did. There was a strong urge to focus on something within my direct perception (for example how I’m lying on my bed) in order to stay connected to reality. I think all of these parts are important. I don’t know if what you experienced was similar but I think it’s OK in your case not to continue if the fear is too intense.

It seems to me, a more intuitive and authentic part of yourself manifested during your trip. I would trust that. Why does flirting have to be something mechanical, where you apply certain techniques with a goal in mind? It just sounds artificial, inauthentic and needy. Of course I'm not a woman and I can't say for sure, but IME women tend to sense lack of authenticity and attempts to hide our insecurities and I don't think that's attractive. Maybe I'm wrong and there may be women who are attracted to this, but I think deep inside we all know when someone is being inauthentic and applying techniques in a situation that should be more natural. What I would suggest is trusting this inner voice that appeared during your trip, work on your insecurities, experiment and learn through direct experience.

Hi! It's pretty common to experience an increase in self-consciousness when practicing mindfulness. It may be that you're more aware of your thoughts than you were before. My tip is to not try to force yourself to be mindful. If your thoughts are very present in your mind, let them be. If you fight them they tend to get more intrusive. Another important part IMO is to allow yourself to feel the emotions attached to your health concerns. You have every right to feel scared, angry, sad, etc. Quite often, intrusive and obsessive thoughts are a way in which we feel in control over our emotions. Have you tried surrendering to what you feel and think? This should be done in a setting where you feel safe and have somebody to talk to in case you need it.

@MsNobody I think you're right about what might be happening and the analogy with the dance is exactly what it feels like. The problem is we're both very concerned with our performance in general in life and of course it translates into sex. It's really hard for us to get out of our heads and paradoxically if I "try" to get out of my head I usually just become more inmersed in it. Do you have any suggestion on how to completely surrender? I'll give tantra a try I never thought about a women's part in the fact of a guy coming too soon. I've always thought it was our responsibility to control our arousal. In what way do you think women have some "control" over this? It actually makes a lot of sense and resonates with me, but I'm curious about your oppinion.

Yes you're right, when we feel it as mutual pleasure it's a more powerful and bonding experience. However, I was talking about the kind of situation where arousal is not yet on the same level for both and we may have different needs or like different paces for example. My guess is that when this happens we're not too connected in the first place and this leads to our bodies not being "in tune" if you know what I mean. We usually do some foreplay, although she prefers to get to it pretty soon. I think this leads to her not being so close to orgasm, but it's how she likes it Thanks for your advice! Thank you for your reply. I 100% agree with you. Feeling and seeing her enjoying it is what gives me most pleasure too. It's possible that we are both a bit repressed and I hold back from giving all I have and I think she has a hard time completely opening up. I get the sense that part of my masculinity is repressed. I'm not at all the typical "macho" who doesn't care about how my partner is feeling. Actually, I think I am too concerned with how others feel towards me. Yes, we do some foreplay but I think we tend to rush things a bit. Thanks for your input I think the way I wrote the initial post may have given the impression that my main goal during sex is to make her orgasm (and it's very possible that out of insecurity there's some truth to that). However, I've always been very open to the idea of just enjoying the whole experience, with or without orgasm. The problem arises when I sense that she's getting frustrated when she is finding it difficult to climax because I tend to feel it's kind of my fault and sometimes I even feel guilty because I could orgasm and she couldn't. But you're completely right, we should make it process-oriented and go slow. Thank you for your reply. It may have happened that I subconsciously communicate that I'm expecting her to orgasm, but usually I'm perfectly fine with not rushing things and with us taking the time we need to build up arousal again. But somehow, when I finish before her, the fact of me being less energetic turns her off (which I can understand because it happens to me too, but I always tell her to take the time she needs because it's perfectly fine for me to continue) and she tries to force herself to orgasm which of course doesn't work. Hahaha I didn't think about that when I wrote the title, but you're right. English isn't my first language Yes, I think we have to communicate more (or better because we already communicate a lot) and try to get out of our heads.

Maybe in those situations it's best to find a safe space (and if you can a non-judgemental person) in which you can completely explore those ruminations and compulsions. If they are there and so hard to control, they're probably there for a good reason. They may have protected you in many ways, even if now they seem to be interfering with your well-being. Have you tried following the thought story to it's end? For example: 1) "Why didn't that girl pay attention to me?" 2) "She probably doesn't find me attractive" 3) How does it make me feel to think that she doesn't find me attractive. Is this something that I've repeatedly felt in my life? 4) What if she actually doesn't find me attractive. 5) What's the worst you can imagine happening if she isn't interested in you? Do you jump to the conclusion that this means no one will find you attractive? Is this true in your experience? Where could you have gotten that idea from? 6) Is there a part of you that may be clinging to this thought story as a protection? Could it be holding you back from actually getting to know girls? 7) How do you picture your life and the way you relate to women if you didn't think these thoughts? This can go a lot deeper of course and you will probably discover a lot about yourself, how you see yourself, others and the world in general.

The only way to learn how to let go of the need to control things and to feel validated is actually to surrender and stop doing the things you do that make you feel like you have some kind of control (ruminating is one of those things). It requires trusting the process and kind if being more passive and receptive, instead of trying to force a particular outcome. Of course this can be very difficult, especially if you tend to do the opposite. That’s why you have to treat yourself with love and acceptance, even the part of you that doesn’t want to let go of the illusion of control. If you switch to the opposite pole and fight to repress that part of yourself it’s just going to sabotage your attempts to let go. Another important thing is to do things that help you feel empowered and also accept your feelings of insecurity abd vulnerability. This video may be useful:

There are different ways. Therapy can be one of them. Psychedelics can be a great help too when taken in a safe environment. In my opinion, a good way to approach it is: 1) Being conscious of what you think, feel and do when you experience some kind of rejection (which you're already doing). Journaling about these experiences is usually very useful. 2) Listening to the feelings and body sensations that arise in those kind of circumstances and finding a safe way to express your anger, fear, sadness, etc. 3) Asking yourself if you have felt this way before 4) Asking yourself what you would've needed when you felt that way in the past 5) Treating yourself in a nurturing way, with acceptance and love 6) Meditating This is what comes to my mind right now. Of course you don't have to do those things in the same order I mentioned, try it out and see what works for you at this point of your life. Reading about attachment styles could be useful too. I hope this can be somehow useful to you. Maybe others have other suggestions on how to work on your self-esteem

Hi! I've felt similar to you when I didn't get the attention I wanted from a girl I liked. I usually rationalized it and went on with my day, which kind of works but doesn't solve the underlying issue. From what you're saying, my guess is that there is some deep insecurity within you that is getting triggered when a girl you like doesn't look at you. If I were you, I would work on your self-esteem. What if it's true that part of the decision to sleep with a guy is made unconsciously and without even knowing the guy? What if there actually are girls who are not attracted to you? Isn't the same true for you? Or are you attracted to every girl you have met in your life? I think the issue is taking this personal, as if not being attracted to you (which we don't even know since we're not having the direct experience of those girls) directly means you're not attractive in general. I 100% agree that it's not pleasant to not get the attention you want from a girl, but that's just how life is for everyone of us. The fact you're taking it as something personal is what makes me think of this deeper insecurity I was talking about. Of course I could be wrong, so I suggest working on yourself and discovering what is true for you. In my experience, working on my own self-esteem has been the best "tool" to stop ruminating when things don't work out the way I would like them to.

I'm interested in what you mean by the non-dual states with weed feeling more masculine. I've personally had very profound and introspective experiences with weed, almost psychedelic sometimes. However, it tends to make me more paranoid than mushrooms, but that could be due to me being more prepared when I've taken psychedelics. But I feel psychedelics (at least mushrooms, since I haven't tried others) put you directly into a non-dual state, whereas weed tends to make me very aware of my monkey mind but it's not as easy to detach from it as it is with psylocibin.

I think it's probably related to survival. Learning from past experiences and the ability to plan ahead are very useful abilities. They are not pathological IMO, unless you become obsessed with your thoughts and can't detach from them. Notice that when you think of something that happened in the past or have an expectation related to the future, the thought you're having is ocurring in the present moment. One could argue that the brain activity precedes the experience of being conscious of the thought, so you could say even the present moment is an illusion. I think if you connect with yourself, with your body, your intuition, etc., you will know what helps you feel grounded and "present". In my experience, forcing myself to be present only creates tension and makes me feel ungrounded. However, gently bringing back my attention to my breath or my body when I notice my mind drifting too far into thought loops, usually works.

Hi everyone! There's a question that has been on my mind for a long time since I got interested in spirituality, buddhism, etc: If duality is just an illusion and everything is just One or actually everything just "is", why kill (or pay others to kill) animals in order to eat when it's not necessary? I read that buddhists aren't necessarily vegetarian or vegan because they often get their food from other people and it would be disrespectful to refuse food just because it's meat or fish. That sounds like a good reason. But what about everyone else who doesn't live like a buddhist monk and actually goes to the supermarket to choose their food? Wouldn't it be more coherent with the whole "idea" of unconditional love, acceptance, respect, etc., to avoid killing (especially in the way it's done nowadays in the food industry) unless necessary? I'd really appreciate reading your point of view on this matter Thank you!

Actually, I didn't start this thread to make up my mind. I've been a vegetarian for some years and although being vegan would be more coherent with my values, at this point of my life I'm flexible with some of my incoherences. But I don't fool myself thinking I'm not incoherent and telling myself I need to eat cheese, etc., because I know I don't need it. Also, I 100% agree with you when you say that it seems a lot of people are using spiritual concepts to justify any kind of behavior as if everything is morally acceptable just because our species does it. If it weren't for people who change the way they act and think, there would be no progress and we would still see slavery, etc., as morally acceptable.

Hi. sorry to hear what you're going through. I've felt similar to how you feel at some points in my life. What I noticed is that those kinds of thoughts and worries were not much different from any other thought. In my experience this kind of cognitive dissonance appears as we try to use our rational mind to make sense of the world and then we get attached to those thoughts. It probably has something to do (at least in my case) with the fear of completely surrendering to the flow of life. Why do I think this? Well, at least in my experience, when I've felt this way, what has helped is stop clinging to those thoughts and just try to be as present as I can. Usually, when I "do" this, there's no more cognitive dissonance, it's like both polarities (for example "Relationships don't matter in the bigger picture" vs. "Relationships are important for me") get integrated and I just accept that both are true. Alan Watts speaks of a similar idea when he says that Zen masters used to tell students that suffering arises from desire and then the students tried to get rid of desire, only to discover that it's not possible to get rid of desire. What I'm trying to say is it seems to me that you discovered the other side of the coin (the illusion of what we perceive as real) and you're rejecting the side you were used to (when studies, women, sex, friendships, etc., seemed important to you). Have you tried meditating when this happens and try to drop any belief and just accept the flow of life? I know it's easier said than done, but it helped me a lot. I hope this is useful for you