Farnaby

What about lies we say when we’re emotional. Such as: “I’m fine” when it’s actually not true but we’re scared or angry and don’t want to speak about what’s really going on?

@ethanb121 The question then would be: “What do I need sedation for?” HINT: try not smoking when you feel the urge and see what comes up. Those sensations, emotions and thoughts are probably what you’re trying to “sedate away”.

@ethanb121 That’s what tends to happen with any compulsive habit. Notice how you’re smoking for a “positive” reason (feeling happy) and it probably worked when you started and maybe it still does now and then. At least that’s my experience with weed. So what I would suggest working on is creating in your life that which you’re seeking through weed. Also, face the “negative” feelings that you’re possibly avoiding (boredom, loneliness, fear, etc.). Meditation is really good for this, since you learn to stay present with your feelings instead of running away from them. Keeping yourself busy is important, but choose things that feel good to you, don’t force yourself to do 2 hours of exercise everyday if it’s making you miserable. Not saying that exercise isn’t important, I actually suggest you get out of your comfort zone a bit, but IMO the emotional work is more important and you probably will naturally start taking care of yourself through healthier habits. A vaporizer is a good idea, I never had the slightest craving with them and as someone mentioned before it’s not as unhealthy and the high is cleaner. I would also take his advice on just taking 1-3 hits and meditating instead of doing some unconscious activity like watching TV or playing videogames. Good luck!

Lol John Lajoie always on point! I’m currently reading The Multiorgasmic Man by Mantak Chia and it seems like good advice, although it may take time and effort to overcome this “issue”.

@Natasha Thank you for clarifying it ? In my direct experience meditating I can accept everything that’s in my present awareness as it is, but to associate a positive label like “love” to clearly destructive things doesn’t make sense to me. Hitler’s actions were certainly not driven by love. Probably by lack of love.

@Natasha I find it really hard to buy into the idea that everything is love. What about wars, intolerance, etc. In my direct experience they are more related to fear and anger than love. If you’re pointing to the Absolute, why put a label like love and not just call it “it” or “that what is, independent from any judgement or evaluation”.

@tsuki I completely agree with you. Ridiculizing other’s POV or treating them in a condescending way is a big red flag that’s just a manifestation of a big (and yet fragile) ego. @Leo Gura I remember reading you speak negatively of Teal Swan because she speaks as if she were from a special and different kind than average humans (and I completely agree with you on this evaluation of her personality) and yet you seem to speak in a similar way, as if the rest of us are in some way behind or below you.

@Gili Trawangan The guy who leads these retreats in Spain has a weird vibe IMO. He seems a bit too narcissistic for me to trust him, but that may be just a subjective thing I experience when I hear him talk. He’s also been accused of abusing people who were in a vulnerable state while under the influence of Ayahuasca, etc. But who knows, it could be false accusations.

Hi! So here’s the thing. I’ve noticed that whenever my girlfriend or me feel frustrated or angry and show it, it affects the vibe and generally leads us to feeling disconnected. Even when we are very careful and express it without getting into a fight. A good example for this is sex. There have been situations where I could feel she was disappointed and frustrated and it made me feel bad about myself and guilty. But I can totally understand that she’s frustrated and can’t hide it (I wouldn’t like her to act as if everything is OK if it isn”t). The same thing has happened the other way around. Sometimes she gets lost in her mind and can’t relax so we stop, and as you can imagine this can be frustrating and my frustration tends to manifest in some way or another (if not verbally, non verbally). Of course this leaves her feeling guilty, worried and scared that I may break up with her, which only makes it more likely to happen again. Do you think it’s better to hide my frustration in order to not be seen as needy and to avoid sex becoming an unpleasant experience? Thank you!

@flowboy Thanks for your advice! I have actually considered this since I have tripped before on shrooms and taken MDMA once. However, I would like our first trip to be when we feel really connected beforehand. She’s kind of scared of not being able to exit the psychedelic headspace and I would feel responsible and anxious if she had a bad time. On the other hand you’re probably right about psychedelics disrupting our normal communication patterns, which I think could be very healing. @loub I’ve started reading the book and will ask her if she wants to try the radical honesty thing out. I think I have to learn how to be completely honest without being aggressive, blaming or judgemental. Usually I’m more of a people pleaser, but when I get triggered I can be pretty passive-aggressive. Would radical honesty in such a situation mean not reacting inmediately and then open up about how what happened deeply hurt me? @Michael569 Thank you for your advice! How would you go about telling each other what bothers us without making it sound like blame? Yes, I think hiding shit under the rug is never a good idea. I think we don’t hide big stuff but maybe little frustrations that build up and leave us feeling disconnected.

@universe Thank you! I always tell her that I won’t leave her because of that. But sometimes she can’t snap out of that thought. I like what you suggested about not making a big deal out of it. Usually that’s what happens a while later, but when I’m feeling frustrated and this keeps happening, expressing our love is certainly not what we’re in the mood of straight away. When I’m feeling angry, insecure, etc., it wouldn’t be authentic to say that it isn’t a big deal, since it definitely is at that particular moment. However, I can see how we both sometimes prolong our disconnection and act out of pride instead of letting the negative emotions fade away, so I will work on not staying in that state too long.

@universe I’m confused now lol This is usually the result of me communicating my frustration verbally instead of just showing it non verbally. Maybe I’m not communicating right, but I don’t know how else to do it besides telling her how I’m feeling in that moment ? Can you explain how you think this can be avoided by communicating?

@Lubomir Thanks! I didn’t mean that I use to hide my feelings, but when I express my frustration for not feeling her receptiveness and how it’s affecting me, there’s always a dead-end where we can’t come up with a solution and she feels pressured to force herself to try and be more receptive. This, of course doesn’t sound right to me at all since it wouldn’t be genuine. @loub Thanks for your input, it really resonates with my experience. However, when we talk about this as honestly as possible, we always get to a point where we can’t seem to figure out why we’re feeling so disconnected sexually. She always tells me she thinks it has nothing to do with me and that she finds me very attractive throughout the day, but when we start to get intimate she can’t relax. From my point of view there has to be something I’m doing that’s contributing to her being unable to relax, but she says I’m not doing anything wrong. I will check that book out ? I think we don’t get to a really vulnerable point when this happens. I only feel frustrated and holding myself back in order to not pressure her. When it happens for a long time I start feeling insecure. But that’s all I am aware of and all that I can explain to her. I have to admit that when I feel that way I explain it rationally instead of being really emotionally connected. Do you have any advice on how to create this environment of honesty and vulnerability? Thanks a lot!

Sorry, I just noticed I posted in the wrong forum. I just found this paper and found it pretty interesting. Especially the part about ego-dissolution being pretty similar to acute psychotic symptoms. What if psychosis is just a very intense spiritual experience? What do you think? https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fnhum.2017.00245/full

@Mikael89 haha you got me! Maybe they are indeed labels for the same experience. @Leo Gura you mean it’s a hallucination because our brains filter out what we’re able to perceive and create a phenomenological experience? Why dismiss a scientific paper that can deepen our understanding of the ego death experience? @tedens you’re welcome! @Truth Addict Are you suggesting that we shouldn’t seek to understand reality with our minds and just experience it without interpreting it? Reminds me of Krishnamurti’s teachings ?

I’ve found this to be quite accurate based on my personal direct experience. It also depends on the situation. If she’s feeling kind of depressed or scared, treating her tenderly and being empathetic goes a long way. But I agree that it’s important to not be too much of a people pleaser. It’s important to embody your masculinity, but I would also consider embodying your more feminine traits without shame. I think that’s actually more important than being very masculine: being confident in whatever way you’re expressing yourself.

@whoareyou Thank you! I tried those a long time ago and regular kegels just made it worse. I get a lot of involuntary kegels, sometimes that whole body part is tense from the beginning. Reverse kegels kind of helped a bit but not too much. Maybe I just didnt’t do them enough, but I think it’s more of a mental thing. @JustThinkingAloud Thank you for your advice! Getting the first one out helps but it’s not always possible and kind of leaves me with less energy which makes the experience less enjoyable for both. When I started having sex I thought it was normal, but that was 10 years ago lol and it never really went away. Only at specific times where I was having really mindful sex and even then the self sabotaging thought appeared in my mind now and then. I think I conditioned myself through bad masturbation habits and now there’s always some performance anxiety.

Hi! I don’t know if this kind of content is allowed so I apologize if it isn’t. The reason I made this thread is because I’ve frequently had sexual experiences that left me kind of unsatisfied and sometimes even frustrated (usually in the form of blaming myself for not being able to fully let go and inmerse in the experience). This difficulty to let go (or at least that’s what I think is the cause) has led to frequent episodes of premature ejaculation. Taking things slow, feeling very connected to my girlfriend beforehand, not tensing up innecessary body parts, etc.., seems to help a lot, although there is always this sneaky self-sabotaging thought: “It’s gonna happen again”. Sometimes my girlfriend and me like to have sex a bit harder and not so slow and gentle. As you can probably guess, when she asks me to do this (which really turns me on) I’m never able to last as long as would be needed for both of us to really enjoy it. I would really appreciate your advice ? Thank you!

Hi everyone! Recently I've been feeling much more connected to my "awareness/observer" dimension, more intuitive, more sensitive to the energetic changes in every situation, etc. When I'm in tune with this aspect of myself different things start to happen: 1) I know in advance how others will respond and how the energy that's present in a situation is going to change if I behave in different ways 2) I start asking myself if what I'm sensing is actually there or if it's some kind of delusion 3) I'm not reactive and can choose how to act. For example, if something feels off with my girlfriend, I can choose to act needy and insist on asking what's going on, etc., but I also know in advance that the outcome is not going to be satisfying for any of us. Since I know this, I can choose to not act needy and let things flow naturally. The "problem" is I'm kind of starting to doubt who I really am and when is it that I'm being authentic. Usually my way of dealing with uncertainty, especially in relationships has been to ask until I get a satisfying and calming answer. Other times I've isolated myseld and reached out to videogames, etc. So whenever I choose not to do this, my intuition tells me I'm doing the right thing, but since the uncertainty is still causing me discomfort, it feels kind of fake to not act out in a needy way and act as if everything is OK. Has anyone else experienced this?

@loub Thank you, I really resonated with everything you said and I'm definitely going to check out that book. I feel as if sometimes I imprison myself in sneaky ways. For example, let's say I'm not feeling too much passion towards my girlfriend in a situation where I think this passion should be there. Would you say that getting attached to that thought ("I should be feeling sexual right now and if I don't it means something bad is going on") is a way of imprisoning myself and actually hindering the possibility of connecting with my sexual desire? @possibilities Thanks for your response. Could you elaborate a bit more on what you mean by "if it comes from being"? @JustThinkingAloud Thanks! I guess I'm so used to a concrete way of behaving and that's why it still doesn't feel authentic when I try out different ways of acting.

@Oliver Saavedra Thank you! I guess the discomfort is due to so many years identifying with specific personality traits and ways of doing things and thinking about life. Let's take insecurity for example. Insecurity has been something that I've identified with especially since I was a teenager. As a kid, I think I was less insecure (except at around 9 years old where I started to avoid eye contact, especially with adults). So now, whenever I stay present with the insecurity and fear until it dissolves and then have the choice to embody a more secure attitude, I can't help but feel that that's not the real me, that the real me has been insecure for many years and it's not possible to get rid of it so fast. This makes me think of myself as phony and then I start to doubt myself again. It's a strange loop. It's like how I have felt towards positive self-talk for a long time. Whenever I considered changing my internal dialogue from a fear based one to a more positive one, I couldn't help but think that it was just a trick and an avoidance of my real nature. But then again, there's this deep intuition that I can embody different polarities (insecurity vs. security, etc.) and that none of them are more true than the others, it's just a matter of which ones have been more reinforced and that's something that can be unlearned.

Hi everyone! First of all, I wasn't sure if this post belongs in this sub-forum so don't hesitate to move it if this is not the right place. Yesterday I smoked a strong indica after a 2 week break (usually I smoke every 2-3 days). After a while, I started feeling a bit weak and light headed, as well as couch locked. My usual response to unpleasant sensations is to try to fight them, or distract myself but this time I tried relaxing into them. The weird thing is that I felt as if I could watch myself and everything I was thinking and feeling from an observer point of view. It was similar to the awareness that arises during meditation, but this time it felt kind of scary. I was worried that I could get stuck in this state and not return to my normal state (which of course didn't happen, I woke up feeling like my usual self again). Another thing that scared me was that when I relaxed into the sensations, the lightheadedness got a bit stronger and I felt if I surrender I could faint. My guess is that I deeply belief that if I completely surrender, something bad will happen and if I fight unpleasant sensations these bad outcomes don't occur. Do you think this was just depersonalization or was I connecting more deeply with the aspect of me that is permanent (my consciousness) and it freaked me out? Thank you

@Conrad Thank you! Yes, that's what it felt like and since I could observe myself and everything around me (as if suddenly I was aware of every object that usually gets filtered out of my consciousness), it felt a bit like depersonalization because I was very self-conscious and conscious of everything around me like from a 3rd person perspective. And yes, surrendering is always the most difficult part for me. Not only when I smoke weed but in life in general. Especially if there is an unpleasant sensation like dizziness and I get scared I may faint if I surrender to the sensation.

I've often asked myself the same question about how flexible our personalities are. Since I'm getting more in touch with that which is permanent in me (my neutral awareness of life), I'm starting to believe that our personality is not as rigid as most people think. When I'm not on "auto-pilot" and I tap into this neutral observer, I notice that I can potentially choose to embody lots of different personality traits. Maybe the choice is actually unlimited. This is why I think we can change our personality. However, we are usually so identified with specific personality traits which have been used so many times for so many years, that it would possibly be very difficult to completely change our personality. There may also be some innate traits. When you look at children and even babies, you notice there are usually temperamental differences. Some children, for instance, need more activity than others, some are more sensitive then others, etc. I don't know if these traits can be changed.

@Commodent Yes, I'm starting to experience how counter-intuitive the healing process is. Or maybe not counter-intuitive but against what the logical mind thinks is the best approach. What I find kind of scary when you realize how you greatly contribute to creating your problems and reinforcing your most profound beliefs is that it led me to the realization that for years I have been basing my identity around my problems (social anxieties, insecurities, fearfulness, etc.). This realization in turn "forces" you to make a decision: Am I willing to drop everything I thought was true about myself and others in order to stop reinforcing the beliefs that led to my problems in the first place? For me (probably my ego) the idea of taking such a big step out of my comfort zone is quite frightening. However, deep down I think it's what I need to do to stop experimenting anxiety, etc.