Farnaby

Thanks for answering. Yeah, that's what I'm starting to realize. She didn't always sweep things under the rug but she often needed a lot of time before being able to talk about it (or she would be able to just let it go after a while and I, on the other hand, needed to talk it through). Waiting too long to rebuild that connection felt detrimental for my own health, which is when I would feel that spending time with my friends would be a better use of my time than staying in that tense environment. I think you're right. I need to do what I need to do so I don't harm myself. If such a situation happens again, for me that would look like trying to talk it through and if the other person isn't open to that I think it's better that I go somewhere that feels lighter for a while. Thanks again!

I think of porn like most other things: it depends on your relationship with it. Personally, my biggest concern with porn is that it's another highly stimulating activity that makes it harder to enjoy the more mundane stuff and it can lead to habits that can cause sexual problems such as ED, premature ejaculation and so on. I see many people against porn comparing it to sexual abuse. I think that's just an ideology they haven't really thought about in depth, similar to some religious people who say masturbation is bad without questioning that belieg. Of cours there's abuse and crimes in the porn industry, but that doesn't mean all porn is sexual abuse. Like wtf lol a girl who makes a lot of money through her onlyfans isn't being abused. As long as people do it voluntarily I have no problem at all with. Just be mindful of how it affects you.

@Ingit the more you check, the more likely you are to loose her, so if that's your fear it's in your best interest to stop doing it. How? When you feel the impulse to check, you refrain from doing it and you take care of the emotions that you're feeling and that you're trying to escape by checking. Lean into whatever you're feeling, surrender to it, find out what you need and give it to yourself (and no, what you need isn't checking your girlfriends phone, that's a way of avoiding your feelings). Therapy is a good place to get to the root of this insecurity in a safe environment. Good luck!

I've never liked manipulation. Of course, like everyone else I manipulate, usually unconsciously, but I still consider it dishonest. IMO there are situations where you can use manipulation in a "good" way. For instance, if a friend tends to speak negatively about himself and I genuinely express the things I like about him and don't buy into his self-deprecating narrative, you could argue that I'm trying to persuade or manipulate this person to view himself in a more positive light. Is that manipulation? Maybe, I don't know. But the intention comes from a loving place. So, for me intention is the important part to determine whether it's ok to use manipulation or not.

HI! Lately I have socialized more than usual and I've noticed how much I have to improve in this area lol I find it amazing how much any person can influence the energy of a whole group and I'd like to contribute to positive energy more often because my shyness tends to make me kind of invisible to other people. Anyways, my question is specifically about body language. Whenever I notice that I'm projecting insecurity I try to change my body posture, take up more space instead of going into "shell-mode". The "problem" is that I feel awkward and vulnerable and I can't help thinking: "stop acting confident when you're not, people are going to notice." It feels like imposter-syndrome. At the same time, staying in "shell-mode" sucks even more. It feels like I freeze/shut-down (sometimes I even dissociate a bit and zone out) and I feel a bit pathetic and sad afterwards because I can see how this makes people respect me less or at least not as enthusiastic about spending time with me. So my question is: is this just a normal part when you're trying out new behaviors? or should I change the way I'm working on my confidence and my body language? Thank you

@Nilsi I would prefer to actually feel confident so I can project confidence without faking it ?

Yes, I think I need to give myself more permission to express freely. So many years of shyness make it difficult to know what is natural/genuine. The shyness has kind of become "natural" but I know it's not how I really am because when I'm comfortable I can be very talkative, love to dance to music and vibe with people, etc.

Hi! I'm currently trying to achieve financial stability in my business (I'm a therapist) and I have some ideas but I feel stuck and would appreaciate your input. I'd like to create a course/program that helps people with social anxiety because that's a topic I'm quite passionate about. What's holding me back is that I still struggle with social anxiety myself and although I know how to treat it I feel like an imposter. I'm aware that you don't need to have everything figured out before being able to help other people with a particular issue but there's this constant thought in the back of my mind that says: "they are going to notice that you are insecure as well. Why would they trust you to help them gain confidence?" Do you think I should listen to this fear and choose a different topic? Thank you

@r0ckyreed yeah that makes sense. However, I have trouble understanding how it would look like when I reach that goal. Let's say I'm giving a speech to a group. How do I know that I have overcome social anxiety? When I can feel the anxiety but still say what I want to say instead of freezing or avoiding the situation? It's also very contextual. Now that I'm putting myself out there more often, I feel more anxiety, but I wouldn't say I have more social anxiety now, it's just more present because I'm taking more action compared to when I used to avoid more. I guess I'm on the right track and just have to keep going and experimenting.

Thank you. That's definitely true. I know exactly how it feels because I have experienced it so often. That helps me understand other people who suffer from it better. Thanks for the encouragement! Hard pill to swallow but you are probably right. I know the general process of overcoming social anxiety but I have been inconsistent when applying it myself. I'm socially functional (not the kind of person who avoids all social interactions and has no friends, etc.) and I often don't experience any anxiety whatsoever, but it tends to come back. Do you think that I have to be completely free of anxiety and never feel insecure socially to help other people? Not sure if that is actually possible Thanks for your feedback.

True. Also, even if you attract someone using this strategy, good luck trying to maintain the fake masculine front. In the end we want to be liked and loved for who we are. If you use a fake persona to attract someone, you will never experience that. Trying to act masculine is just another symptom of insecurity. Of course, develop your confidence, learn to love yourself, process and let go of past hurt that made you believe you are not good enough so your authentic self can be expressed. But don't try to imitate "masculine" traits.

Hi! I've been learning about masculine/feminine polarities lately and I'm wondering if those labels are just perpetuating stereotypical gender roles and making people try to fit into a box of pre-defined behaviors (as in trying to exhibit a masculine or a feminine trait based on what they have been told how it would look). What do you think?

@Dlavjr performance anxiety (or any kind of anxiety) = your nervous system is in fight/flight. Check out the Polyvagal Theory and develop a practice of tools that calm your nervous system and bring it back to a regulated state. You can't think your way out of this, so any advice that says "stop caring so much about what other people think" isn't going to be very helpful or could potentially make you feel like something's wrong with you, which isn't true. Your nervous system is detecting a potential threat and it's reacting like it is designed to. You need to show it (not tell it) that you're not in danger and that is done by changing your physiology so your body relaxes and your brain receives the message "Dlavjr is safe in this moment".

@Yoremo I encourage you to view those bad habits as completely innocent. When we label them as "bad" we tend to think that they mean we are somehow broken, don't have enough willpower and so on. But that is not the reason we do those things. We do them because that's how our nervous system knows that we get our needs met. For instance, your nervous system knows that through youtube you get to escape your boredom and feel less agitated. That habit is a way of regulating your pain. It's there for a reason. When you connect to that pain, process it, fiind out what needs you are meeting and find more effective ways to do it, you will no longer have the urge to binge youtube. If you focus on the symptom as if it was the problem (which it isn't) and try to discipline yourself, you may be able to abstain from youtube for a while, but you will find another addiction as a substitute.

@flowboy I agree. I have experienced a similar thing with weed. However, I still notice unresolved agitation and painful emotions that I numb with social media, Netflix and sometimes video games. So I guess there are more layers to process.

^ This. Recently I was in the subway and a thought popped into my mind: "why not push that person down the platform?". They used to cause a lot of anxiety and guilt and worrying about what kind of person I was for having those thoughts. Nowadays they are usually a bit uncomfortable but sometimes I find them amusing lol. Accept these thoughts, don't fight them, don't do anything about them and they will stop bothering you and happening less frequently.

@rawgod you are not defective. Addiction is an attempt to numb the suffering and to get your needs met.

@Danioover9000 yes, some substances create such strong cravings that a chemical help is needed. However, if you only focus on stopping the use/abuse of the substance, it's likely to come back in another way. You need to find out what purpose the addiction was serving. I don't think the issue is lack of will power or discipline. I think the issue is trying to get rid of bad habits through will power and discipline, without understanding why we do what we do and finding healthier ways to fulfill those needs we are trying to fulfill through the addiction.

@caelanb practice relaxing your nervous system so you can ground yourself and express your authenticity. Don't try to copy anyone. When you look for tips on how to be funny, you are reinforcing the false belief that you aren't as funny as you "should" be which feels bad and turns into a self-fulfilling prophecy, because you can't be authentically funny when you feel bad. Teach your nervous system that it's safe to be yourself, funny or not

Hi! Sorry to hear you are in pain. Self-improvement only goes so far, because it is based on the idea that there's something wrong with you that you need to fix (i.e your shyness or awkwardness). So, essentially, when we try to improve ourselves, we are trying to become a more socially acceptable person, which isn't necessarily aligned with our true authenticity. That's why we always relapse and have backlashes. And also because your nervous system is used to the shy version of yourself but not the other one, so the new version will feel unpredictable and unsafe. This is why I don't like pick up, because it is too easy to fall into the trap of rejecting yourself whenever you aren't being the outgoing, extroverted person who attracts many women. Instead of this, I would encourage you to consider learning to accept the parts of yourself that you are trying to fix, a.k.a self-love. I know this is really hard and goes against mainstream advice, but by learning to love those parts, they will keep developing into a unique expression of yourself instead of showing up as shadow aspects that limit your life. The parts of yourself that you are trying to get rid of/fix hold the seeds of your uniqueness as an individual. I hope this helps

^ This Yes, sometimes a chemical help is needed for a period of time, but it won't "cure" any addiction.

@Illusory Self What needs are you getting met through procrastinating? Start exploring the behaviour with curiosity instead of trying to fix it or get rid of it.

@soos_mite_ah I would discuss this with your therapist. Actually, in my experience, the way to get over something is not through effort. It is through radical acceptance of our coping mechanisms. Of course our mind resists this idea and it sounds like encouraging you to keep coping. But actually, the opposite tends to happen. When you get curious in a non judgemental way about what needs you are meeting through tarot, etc., and you send love and compassion to that part of yourself, you don't start to cope more, you need less coping. Why? Because you are no longer making yourself feel shitty about it and you are actually showing up for the needs that were being met through tarot. Most of us think effort, willpower and rejecting the current behaviours will bring us closer to our goals, but in my experience that's not true. Try this little experiment: How do you feel if I tell you: "from now on, you are not allowed to go to tarot readers". Probably pressured, constricted and afraid. Then, if you try to follow through on that and you happen to "fail" you will feel guilty and so on. All that would only fuel your need to cope. If I tell you: "It's ok if you need to go to tarot readers. There's nothing wrong with you and I won't reject you for it. Even if you keep needing tarot your whole life". That probably feels much better and trust me, it will not make you cope more

They can be useful, but IME without learning how to regulate your nervous system they usually don't resonate very much. If your nervous system is in fight/flight mode and you tell yourself "I'm safe" it may help a bit, but often times it's not believable in that state. So I would reccommend a combination of techniques that regulate your nervous system if you want to use affirmations

@soos_mite_ah thank you, that's exactly how I'm starting to think about this. Working on my trauma without turning it into another unhealthy coping strategy is really tricky though. I guess I need to stop trying to control my feelings and just relax into them and accept them fully, even if they go against my idea of my goal (i.e confidence). Could you maybe give a practical tip on what to do (or stop doing) when I'm feeling insecure?