Farnaby

It's tough to say if it's a red flag or if it's a good opportunity for you. I'm a therapist and IMO meeting the patient where he/she is is essential. So, even if for example I think they would benefit from learning to be silent, if it gets overwhelming I wouldn't let them go through that overwhelm alone, without any connection or explanation from my side. Therapy shouldn't feel like a torture lol. It shouldn't make you doubt your intuition either. If something feels off, it's true for you and it's important to listen to it and talk about it. Also, "normal" relationships don't look like that so even if the therapeutic relationship can't be exactly like a regular relationship, it doesn't need to be too "weird" either IMO. This is just my approach and I know psychoanalists have a different one and both have their pro's and con's. If I were you I would keep openly and honestly communicating how you're feeling in these sessions and give it a little more time. If it still feels awkward and like it's not helpful or even hurting you, there's nothing wrong with changing therapist. Good luck!

Does this only happen with friends or donyou generally feel apathetic in relationships with other people. If I were you, I would examine past experiences and see if it's always been like that or if that enthusiasm and interes was "lost" at some point. In my case, I was a very social and empathic kid and since my teens my default mode is to dissociate and distract from my emotions so it becomes difficult to do things like the ones you mentioned without feeling like I'm faking it. Maybe you got hurt emotionally and protected yourself by shutting down the part of you that feels enthusiasm, etc. This can be due to a specific event or to multiple smaller incidents where you felt like it was more safe to disconnect from your emotions. Of course this is just a theory based on my own experience and that's why you'll have to see if it's similar in your case or not. Hope this helps!

To be aware of it is one of the most important steps. Your brain will always tend to the less demanding and more pleasant task, it's designed that way. If you have reinforced those pathways in the brain it's even more ingrained. What works for me is recognizing when I have several choices and would tend to choose the "easy" one, sit with the emotions that the other choices make me feel and try to do one of the less easy things. With time, you increase your ability to tolerate the uncomfortable feelings. Another thing that motivates me is to ask myself what my life will be like if I keep procrastinating, but for some people this triggers more uncomfortable feelings which makes them want to procrastinate even more. And lastly, cut yourself some slack when you indulge in your habits. We all do it and it's just what our brain will automatically tend to. The good thing is that we have the ability to notive when this is happening and learn new ways of doing things.

I know how it sucks to not like some part of yourself (looks, a part of your personality, etc.) so I get how frustrating it is, because you can't do much about it. I mean, you can get in shape, etc., but it will be hard to change your face if you don't like it. Actually, IMO that wouldn't really solve the problem, unless it's the only insecurity you have. Usually, people who get plastic surgery to change some part of their body, don't heal their insecurities and just find a new thing to be ashamed of. I prefer a deeper and longer lasting solution, which requires accepting yourself as you are. Easier said than done, but it can certainly at the very least get better. Therapy can be really helpful in this process. Good luck!

I think there is a healthy side to shame. If you've hurt somebody (or even if you're hurting yourself in some way) and you feel ashamed about it, that shame is pointing you in a positive direction: trying to repair the damage you've done or to stop hurting yourself. If we're talking about chronic shame related to every little mistake, you may want to explore when and how you learned that "you should be ashamed of your mistakes". In this case, it's usually a protective mechanism to avoid rejection, abandonment, etc.

Not sure if it has any purpose but it does exist for a reason. Anxiety is just our ability to predict future dangers. That's a survival mechanism. The problem is when it gets triggered when it's not needed. Also, "negative" emotions such as anxiety are often trying to get you to pay attention to what's going on in your life and may not be aligned with your needs. I've experienced anxiety quite often, especially social anxiety and for me the anxiety was there because I wasn't allowing myself to be authentic. Not that I was very fake either, but I would be scared of rejection if I "let myself go" and express certain emotions and vulnerabilities. Since I don't repress these things so much, I don't get anxious often anymore. This is just an example of why I think anxiety is helpful for improving your life if you dig deep into why it's there. Hope this helps!

Hey! To me it sounds like you are able to distract yourself from that "not good enough" feeling for a while as long as you're doing something productive. But when there isn't a new thing to look forward to, the "not good enough" feeling bubbles up. So it becomes a rat race where you're running away from a part of yourself. I could be completely wrong though, because I don't know you, so take this hypothesis with a grain of salt. What you're experiencing is often experienced by people who had a very goal-oriented/productivity oriented upbringing where the sense of value depends on doing instead of just being/existing. Have a look at your life and ask yourself if you've always felt this way or if it has started at some point, because that can help you find the causes. IME the most powerful thing to do is to make space for that feeling of "not good enough", sit with it, breathe into it and make that your meditation. It won't go away through reasoning or chasing goals, at least not in the long run. I also think there's a useful side to this impulse to be productive. As you said, you've accomplished a lot and it had probably at least something to do with it. So, IMO the goal is not to get rid of that impulse, but to learn to have control over it so you can use it when you need/want it, but not let it ruin your moments of relaxing, vacation, etc. Hope this helps!

Hey! When I read your post, what comes to my mind is that your insecurity around your physical looks is always present but gets kind of "confirmed" or strongly triggered whenever you get rejected. First of all, let me tell you that I consider it very brave to keep putting yourself out there despite this insecurity. A lot of people let that fear control them and avoid approaching people. It's completely normal that you think other people are judging you, because you judge yourself a lot. In psychology this is called projection. We are often convinced that people are judging us in the same way we're judging ourselves when that most often isn't the case. However, I know that no matter how much we tell you that these people are probably not judging you, an important part of you isn't going to believe it. And it's precisely this part of yourself that you need to get to know better, especially on an emotional level. Practice sitting with the feelings and thoughts about yourself that get triggered when you feel rejected. Don't try to change them or do anything about them, just be with this part of you. I don't know you, but my guess is that some time in your life you have incorporated this belief that something's wrong with you. This can be due to someone explicitly telling you that you're not OK or because of subtler experiences (such as a look of disapproval from an important person in your life, for instance). The key is to understand that when we're children we can't reason like when we're adults. So let's say that our parents have a bad day or have their own insecurities, etc., and they treat us "badly" because of what's going on inside of them, we directly assume that there's something wrong about us. We can't see the bigger picture like when our brain is more developed. I strongly reccomend you to find a therapist you can talk to about all this stuff, as well as start meditating. Also, look into reparenting techniques, which help you get to know that wounded inner child so you can start to heal it. Good luck!

Nothing is black or white. I think if there's some rejection towards feminism it can be due to different reasons: 1) not knowing anything about it and just parroting other people's ideas 2) prejudices (learnt). Fear of the unknown and attachment to the traditional life. 3) seeing both sides of a phenomenom, it's positive and negative aspects. I don't think that people who are against some aspects of feminism are necessarily ignorant, right-wing, macho people. I personally feel aligned with feminist values (gender equality, etc.), but I've also had some direct and indirect experiences with toxic behavior from so called feminists. Of course, this can be said about any ideology and that's why I would never say "feminism sucks" or anything like that. I'm just aware of how any ideology can be picked up by people who attach so much to it, that they get kind of brainwashed, manifest group thinking, low tolerance and no critical thinking. I've seen this in many different groups (actually I think it happens in all groups): catholics, muslims, vegans, feminists, homophobes, right-wing, left-wing, etc. To say that feminism is "bad" or destructive is really biased IMO. But, all ideologies carry risks and I think it's good to be aware of them. I think a big problem is that there are many transgenerational wounds that aren't healed, due to women being inequally treated and even opressed. As long as that "trauma" isn't healed, it's easy to unconsciously use feminism to justify an anti-men, anti-masculinity attitude. Someone talked about ego-backlash and I think he's right.

I think these two sentences point to the root cause. You're not a pussy. You want to be loved like everyone else and you're afraid you won't be if you say "No". I reccomend sitting with that fear, getting to know that inner child who learnt to people please to be loved and be there for him. Meditation is a great tool for sitting with your emotions. Start taking small steps like suggesting a different movie if someone suggests to watch a movie that you don't want to watch or something like that. It will be scary at first, but you will learn how to handle the fear. Also, therapy is great for this. Good luck!

I think there's some truth to this as well. Some feminists seem to completely dismiss biological factors and kind of encourage men to repress their masculinity. It's easy to become identified with an ideology and start interpreting everything from that lens. That only hinders communication and empathy IMO.

I agree with you. I think it defends very important values that if applied consciously would lead to healthier relationships and a healthier society. However, I also notice many people becoming dogmatical and having a totalitarian attitude about it. I think those people have gone to the other extreme and that's not healthy either. I'm thinking about the people who are trying to paint a picture in which it seems like there's a rapist behind every corner and especially the people who say things like: "we need spaces where only women are allowed to come and debate, because men should just stand aside and learn from us". Seems too radical and incoherent with what feminism is actually about. You can actually kind of tell energetically when you're talking to a tolerant vs. an intolerant person and there are tolerant and intolerant feminists. The tolerant ones are doing a great job IMO, the other ones not so much.

Well, it depends on a lot of factors (what you are addicted to, how much you use it, your personality, etc.). But if I have to narrow it down to one key factor, it would be awareness. Training yourself to notice when you are having an impulse to indulge in your addiction and/or thoughts to justify your actions and just sit with that until it passes. Kind of meditating through it. Another key factor IMO is unconditional self-acceptance/love, no matter if you keep being addicted or are able to quit.

@Carl-Richard My bad, then, sorry. He does seem to promote those kind of values. But I don't feel like he truly embodies it. I liked a lot of the stuff that he talked about and he seems very charismatic. But he isn't careful enough when evoking painful memories for Reckful.

Just found out about this gamer and watched the video with Dr.K. Reckful seemed like a real nice dude, sorry to hear that he commited suicide. @Carl-Richard Personally, I would be careful with putting anyone on a pedestal. From an ethical POV, Dr.K made quite a few mistakes, draw big assumptions without enough information and asked questions that implied a concrete answer. That's not such a good thing to do as a psychiatrist/psychologist. Another thing I didn't like is how he interrupted Reckful so often. It looked like he was more interested in showing "how much he knows". Lastly, a therapist should be very careful when talking about certain subjects, especially without enough therapeutic relationship. That being said, it probably helped Reckful feel his repressed emotions and let them come out. Dr. K was probbaly right in many of his interpretations, but I think he should be careful and not take them for granted and especially not push them onto the person he's talking to.

I used to be vegetarian and I agree that veganism is the most environmentally and animal friendly option. However, I also found myself craving some seafood and meat after a couple of years and it felt like self imposed "rigidity" to not allow myself to ever indulge in these foods. It feels more natural to allow myself to eat whatever I feel like eating. It's probably selfish, but I'm already too self judgemental to add another reason to beat myself up lol Plus, my body didn't seem to tolerate a meat and fish free diet as well as if I eat that now and then.

Have you tried honest communication and allowing your vulnerability to show up in this conversation? This often makes it easier for the other person to feel empathy, which in turn makes it easier to negotiate and reach some kind of agreement. It's way different to hear something like: "I'm sick of cleaning everything and your laziness" than to hear something like: "I'd like for us both to find a way to feel better at home and it's really important for me that our shared spaces are as clean as possible." Since you aren't living alone, you will have to make some concessions, because he never will do things exactly like you would do them, let alone have the same way of viewing life as you. This doesn't mean that you shouldn't express your needs. It means that you will have to negotiate and see if you can reach a mutual agreement that is OK for both. You can't change him, but you can work on communication and find a solution. If this isn't possible, you may have to find a place where you can have things your way. Sometimes this is the best you can do for your well-being. However, if you end up in some kind of relationship and start living with your partner, you'll probably face similar situations, unless you find someone who is exactly on the same page as you are, which is highly unlikely. Lastly, I would inspect if there's something deeper that's being triggered by your room mate. You said "it's not fair", "he doesn't deserve it". Is this something you've felt more often? The feeling of people not treating you in a fair way? Good luck with this, it's not an easy situation but you will learn a lot.

I agree with others who said to work on your self-esteem, socialize, work on your life purpose, find your own style of flirting and seducing that feels genuine to your personality. When you become more confident and happy with your life, you will naturally be more attractive. I agree with you: having sex with a prostitute will probably not solve anything, because this is about being more comfortable in your own skin, not about some short-term pleasure and release. Also, you won't learn any skills this way, because you only have to pay. If you have a hobby, you could find a group that shares the same interests and get to know new people (girls included) and learn how to vibe with them through direct experience. From your title, I feel like your frustration with yourself because of being a virgin might be leading you to pursue girls in a needy way, with the expectation that you will finally have sex and stop feeling bad about yourself. This is probably noticeable, especially by women who tend to be more intuitive and who are probably noticing that you're not genuinely interested in them. Also, inspect how you react to rejection. No one likes to be rejected, but you can learn to tolerate it without reacting out of frustration, because that's not attractive for women at all. Trust me, everyone is capable of getting laid. You won't stay a virgin your whole life if you start working on yourself. Good luck!

I hear you. Trying to motivate someone who has a victim mentality is probably one of the hardest things to accomplish. The main reason is that you need to be willing to try out different things if you want different outcomes and most people with this kind of mentality don't want to give it up because it has it's benefits and feels safe. To get out of that mentality, they would need to start taking complete responsibility about their life, stop blaming others, etc., and that's not an easy thing to do. IME the more you try to motivate or push such a person, the more frustrated you get, because it doesn't work. It has to be them who decide to leave behind this mentality and the benefits that come with it. I agree with @universe that leading by example and unconditional acceptance are essential. But it's important that you don't have an underlying agenda expecting that this leads to the change you want to see in him, because it may never happen. This is the hardest part IMO and probably the most important as well: working on accepting that he may be stuck in this mentality his whole life. Of course, there's nothing wrong about wanting to help him, it's completely natural. Also, it can be useful to express genuine concern and offer compassion and help if he is willing to start working on himself. What I mean is that he won't change until he has a personal motivation to do so. And even then, relapses are to be expected. Also, don't forget to take care of yourself in this process, because otherwise you will burn out and your relationship with your brother will suffer. At the end of the day, you're not responsible for his well being and you can only be there to help him if he is willing to commit to the process. A good therapy would benefit him, because threatening with suicide as soon as someone expresses a boundary like you did is a serious issue that requires professional help. I can imagine your fear when he threatens with suicide. My guess is he has learnt to threaten, because he can get away with not taking responsibility like this. I hope you can find your peace with this issue!

@Scholar wow what you mentioned is really interesting and I see it like that as well. A healthy ego is not a bad thing at all. Actually, I think it's really important for a healthy self esteem. I too see many people who would benefit from constructing this who get caught up in concepts like "everything is an illusion" and then can't find the motivation for anything mundane at all. Maybe everything is an illusion but we have a body with needs and we feel better when we take care of these needs. As long as you are aware when you're acting from your ego so you can disidentify from that which holds you back, everything's fine. I'm not sure if compassion and fairness stem from the ego though or did I understand you wrong?

For me, affirmations don't work too well. They feek kind of "fake". If I'm feeling insecure or in some way "not enough" I can't convince myself through positive affirmations. Sure, looking at the reasons the thought "I'm not enough" isn't true helps, but the feeling doesn't completely vanish. Personally, I find accepting every feeling, watching it mindfully and with compassion is more effective. Also, changing your body posture (although this also feels fake at first but it helps). Another thing that's important is taking action towards goals that make you feel like you're growing. Find some goals to pursue regarding your professional life, personal life and exercise and healthy diet is really important too. I've also found that doing what you're afraid of doing despite not feeling good enough for it or despite the fear and negative self talk helps a lot. Lastly, I reccomend going to therapy so you can explore the roots of that low self esteem in depth. Oh and like others said, honesty and integrity is a very important part as well. Hope this helps!

For me the most important aspects are: 1) The therapist is honest: no lies, no manipulation 2) he/she's open-minded and not judgemental. Doesn't impose his worldview on you 3) he/she doesn't put on a mask of "I'm the expert and I know what you should do". No arrogance. 4) You feel like you can talk about any subject/feeling with him/her. This can be tricky because you may actually have a great therapist but feel like he/she is going to judge you because of your own history. It's important to tell when it's your own history that isn't allowing you to tell your truth. 5) he/she takes responsibility for mistakes and is OK with not knowing everything 6) you feel progressively more comfortable with him/her 7) you start feeling better during and in-between your sessions 8) personally, I like therapists that have a sense of humor and who aren't uptight. But some people like therapists who are more like a parental figure to them.

Hey! Sorry to hear that you're having such a rough time. Hard to say for us what you should do. I know this answer sucks, but the truth is that only you know what you need to do and that requires to get in touch with yourself and be honest with yourself. Worst case scenario: you make a decision, see that it wasn't the best for you and do something different. If you both are willing to work on your problems, together and on your own, it could work, but you would need to go to couples therapy and a personal therapy to address each one's personal problems that are manifesting in the relationship. For a relationship to work and be healthy, you need to feel free to express yourself. If you feel like you can't show your feelings, it's not healthy. There also needs to be trust. You also said that you gave up a lot of things to be with him. IMO, sacrifice like this often leads to resentment. Sure, no relationship or situation is perfect and sometimes we have to find a solution that's OK for both, but if you feel like you're sacrificing important aspects of your life for the other person, that doesn't usually turn out so well IME. I wish you good luck!

Alan Watts. Grounding techniques, read up on polyvagal theory. But more important than reading is going to therapy, learn how to calm yourself down and have a healthy lifestyle (rest, exercise, healthy diet, social life, etc.). If you are with someone you trust or you can build a safe atmosphere for yourself, you can paradoxically control anxiety by surrendering to it. However, if you are already in the middle of a panic attack, I reccomend grounding techniques first.

Our inner dialogue is influenced by the important people of our life (especially parents). It's not strange to recognize your mother or father "talking" in your head.