Farnaby

As a guy who tends to feel insecure, I liked it when it has happened and it has even made me feel more attracted. Although I feel even better when I can get over my fears and take the first step. But I think it's nice to relax from time to time and let the girl lead. Of course, I wouldn't turn that into a habit, because to me it would feel weird if my girlfriend embodied more masculine energy than me (I like feminine girls). But I think there are ways in which women can take first steps without doing it in a masculine way and that's something I like now and then.

Some people even think the virus doesn't exist. You just need to talk 5 minutes with nurses or doctors to know that having to wear a mask is a tiny price to pay compared to spreading this disease.

Yes, I agree to a certain extent. I'm a mental health professional and that bias is certainly present. I would even argue that an expert on ADHD is more likely to diagnose you with it than someone who specializes on anxiety, who would have the tendency to "see anxiety everywhere" if you know what I mean. Yet, we do have tools that are standardized and we are trained to make a thorough evaluation. Even if there's still a chance of misdiagnosing, if done correctly I think it's more likely to accurately diagnose someone when you are trained on how to do it and use standardized evaluation tools. Non-trained people will also have a tendency to identify with anything that remotely describes their situation and they may diagnose themselves with a mental disorder, when they don't actually have one and actually just have a few symptoms of different disorders (like most average healthy people). Any person who reads the DSM will resonate with characteristics of the described disorders, but most people don't actually have the disorder. At the same time, I personally don't like diagnostic labels unless we're talking about a clear pathology. I prefer to look at mental issues like coping mechanisms that were once necessary and have become unhealthy. Could be, but when out of 15 people, most of them have sensed the same from this person I'm talking about, there probably is some truth to it, not only projection. As I said, it's hard to describe here, but I'm not talking about people who share their struggles in a healthy way which increases interpersonal connection and understanding. I'm talking about constantly complaining and trying to get attention and people to do what you want. Feels like manipulation and usually annoys people. Of course, the degree to which that triggers something in me has probably something to do with myself. This was actually in something similar to a self-help group lol but I've seen it on social media quite often as well

@Artsu I may have worded the title a bit wrong. I have no problem with people using mental health labels to describe what happens to them. If anything, that raises a concern in myself that they could be misdiagnosing themselves. I don't think you need to be diagnosed by a professional to have a sense about what's going on inside of you. For instance, I know that I've suffered anxiety and even had some OCD symptoms as a teenager, although I haven't been officially diagnosed. What actually triggers me is people who in a matter of hours have explicitly said that they act the way they do because of their depression/high sensitivity/bpd/etc. It's kind of hard to describe on a forum, but for me there's a clear difference between: 1) You explaining to me that you have a fear of leaving the house and may not be able to do it because of this fear. This makes me feel empathy and understanding. 2) A person constantly complaining about everything and then blaming his/her depression or a person who tries to present as if he/she's more special than others because of high sensitivity, high capacity or whatever. This is annoying to me and I tend to think "here we go again..." in my head. Especially if I get the feeling that this person doesn't really want to change. Some people come to mind that fit the second scenario and I've talked about this with other people who were present and they all felt the same: that this person was using it as an excuse. So I guess there's some truth to it.

I agree. To be fair we would need to know him in real life to know if he would be a good role model or not.

@Hansu hey! Thanks for sharing your experience. Yes, that's exactly the kind of thing that triggers me. I have no problem with people talking about their mental struggles or personality. I love talking about that. What I don't like is when some people compulsively use it as if they were somehow special or some kind of victim who needs to be treated with extra care. I get that many people had rough experiences and some I can possibly not imagine (such as rape, etc.) but IMO there comes a time where it gets unhealthy to use that as a way to avoid responsibility or to condition other people's spontaneity.

@Arcangelo yep, there's almost always some worry about the future involved. And this worry gets worse due to the symptoms that feel like you could possibly die. But, sometimes it happens without it being triggered by a thought about the future and instead it's some physical sensation that triggers it. However, I agree that it's usually an extreme fear related to some event that "could happen in the future".

This is kinda subjective and I think you need to know a person in depth (and in real life) to know if they are above average in terms of healthy masculinity. We would have to define what that means exactly. Does it mean always acting healthily in relationships with others and with oneself? Or is it healthy enough to be aware of our shadow and constantly work on it so that it conditions us less and less? What I would look for is a person who treats other people with respect, with a "tamed" ego, who is as honest as possible and confident enough to face difficult situations without constantly avoiding them. Another very important quality IMO is confidence as a person. A good example of this is a person who doesn't feel the need to come across as the most masculine man and who accepts his feminine part. There are some famous people who come to mind (Will Smith for instance), but who knows if they act like that in their private life.

@datamonster I'm not sure if there's really such a thing as more superficial people than others. I think attraction happens beyond rational values. I would even argue that it happens in seconds (or less) and we all are superficial in this sense. The most spiritually "developed" person can get attracted to the most "primitive" person, because instincs don't care about spiritual development IMO. I agree though that for a long term relationship, most people don't choose their partner based on looks, but on other qualities like the ones you mentioned.

@Preety_India I know, I was talking in general to people who worry a lot about their looks. I used to worry about my height and the fact that I look younger that I am (so to inspire authority it's difficult), so I understand and can relate to those worries, but since that can't be changed I think working on accepting it and building up confidence is way more important than those attributes that can't be changed. And I completely agree with this:

@Preety_India Ok, I see. I agree. The amount of worry about personal looks is inversely proportional to the degree of confidence. And there's nothing more attractive than confident people. So, start working on confidence and you will attract people.

I think it has probably different causes: cultural, tradional gender roles, but also biology/instincts. It's certainly changing lately and my guess is that there's going to be some backlash to the other pole (where women refuse anything that reminds them of traditional ways of living) and then it will have to balance itself out again. I've noticed that there's a lot of confusion going on in some people. They rationally think for instance that a monogamous relationship is "bad" (because it has historically oppressed women) and yet they are most happy when they have a healthy monogamous relationship. Not saying that open/polyamorous relationships are bad. Just saying that some people seem to get attached to an ideology and go against their natural wants and needs. The same can be said about people who repress their sexuality because religion told them it's bad. Coming back to the OP, the same can be said about providing/receiving. Actually, I think that in a healthy relationship, both people should provide and receive in a balanced way. There's lots of generational trauma. Actually, I think it can be seen in @Preety_India's post when she said: It's one thing to be in touch with your needs and notice that marriage isn't one of them and a very different thing to reject marriage because "they know what their mothers went through". That's generational trauma.

@Preety_India 99% agree. The 1% missing is because you said the best is to be average looking and have a great personality. Why wouldn't the best be looking great and having a great personality? But I think you described it pretty well. Let's don't fool ourselves. Even if we are subjective beings and what I find attractive differs from what other people find attractive, there are also certain traits that I would argue are universally considered attractive/unattractive. What I consider a 10, could be a 7 for a friend, but I doubt it would be a 1/10 for anybody. The opposite is also very unlikely IMO. What I consider a 1/10 could be a 3/10 or even a 5/10 for someone. But not a 10/10. Not sure how much of this is cultural and how much is just instincts looking for healthy looking people, but that has been my experience so far. And while looks aren't the most important factor, especially for a long-term relationship, a good looking person has obviously more chances to attract people. It's actually scientifically proven, even in the workplace. Employers will be more likely to hire a good looking person than a not so good looking person. To make it more complicated though (but at the same time more optimistic), don't get obsessed over your looks because confidence, charm, humour can easily compensate for physical appearance. I also agree with @Leo Gura that mental masturbation around this topic won't get you anywhere. If you want to attract people, you've got to talk to more people in real life, get in touch with your authenticity and work on letting it manifest as often as you can.

@Hello from Russia Yes, I get that. I have nothing against pick up and as a shy person, I would probably benefit from talking more to people. What I'm saying is I've never needed to cold approach women to have girlfriends and have sex. Of course, I could have possibly have had sex with more women if I did, but I don't have a huge need for that. I prefer building a more intimate connection rather than having one night stands. Just randomly approaching a woman I don't know at all on the street feels kind of cringy and I've talked with women about this and they usually feel some fear when a stranger approaches them. Not saying it doesn't work, because I know it does, especially if you're confident, funny, etc., just saying that many girls don't like to be approached this way.

I personally never liked the idea of cold-approaching. Some of it is certainly insecurity/fear, but another part of it is that it just doesn't resonate with me. I think you can find a balance between cold approaching thousands of women and staying at home without talking with women at all. Work on your confidence, find a hobby or carreer you like where you can meet new people and let it happen naturally. But be careful not to fall into the trap of not taking action because you want it to happen naturally. That can be used as an excuse to rationalize your insecurities, I know that from personal experience lol. You certainly have to experiment with flirting to develop your style and see what works for you, but IME you don't need to cold approach random girls on the street.

@Preety_India I see, thanks for clarifying that. Yeah, that must suck, to be in a relationship with someone who isn't willing to discuss the "problems" and get on the same page. I feel very uncomfortable with unresolved issues for the while that it takes the other person to calm down and be able to discuss it, so I think I wouldn't be able to be with someone who's completely unwilling to discuss it at all. Sorry that you had to go through that.

Sounds like a red flag to me. At least something that needs to be discussed and not swept under the rug. However I agree with @Preety_India that no one is perfect and you have to be relatively flexible because if you aren't, no relationship is going to last long. But this doesn't mean that you should tolerate something that's hurting you (or your friend in this case), especially if the other person is not willing to hear you out and find a solution together. @Preety_India you said that if someone gets up and goes when you want to discuss something, that's a relationship that should be inmediately abandoned. I agree that it's immature, but I've experienced this (and also done it) and it's usually temporary while my girlfriend is triggered. I think if the other person is willing to communicate after the emotions settle, it can be tolerated, because we all can get triggered and need some time to calm down.

@Raptorsin7 is it possible that you do care about others but have trouble connecting emotionally to them? If you're concerned that you are inmoral and selfish, that makes me think that you actually do care and you have empathy. You don't need to answer here, but I encourage you to ask yourself if you've always felt like this or if it started at some point. Maybe you were hurt emotionally and withdrew from people and that's why you feel you don't care about them? Sometimes, very sensible and empathetic people get hurt or shamed for being that way and they start isolating from people and disconnecting from feelings like love/gratitude, etc. Just some ideas that come to mind, sorry if I'm completely wrong.

I don't consider it cheating. It would be totally fine for me if my girlfriend watched porn. Of course it's another thing if it's an addiction and it's harming our relationship. I think you'll have to talk with her about this with an open-mind so you can understand her point of view. This doesn't mean you have to agree with her or stop doing it, but it may bring you closer if you can understand how she feels when you watch porn. It's probably triggering fears and insecurities on her side. Or maybe there's some other issue in your relationship that hasn't been addressed and this was just the trigger to get into a fight because of these unresolved emotions.

Meditation is great to prevent panic attacks, but IME it's not so effective as a rescue tool when you're about to have a panic attack or when you are in the midst of it. At that point, you need something less "passive". At least a more active meditation where you engage all your senses. Mindfulness for instance wouldn't be a good choice. In that state, one needs something more grounding, whereas meditation techniques such as mindfulness can produce the opposite effect. Another counterintuitive method that I found effective is not trying to control the panic attack, because that creates more tension. If he can be with someone who can be present with him and convey a sense of safety, that would be very useful. Also, healthy habits in general with enough exercise and socializing protect from anxiety. It sounds like he discovered an important contributing factor to his anxiety. He'll have to work on overcoming the feelings that hold him back from expressing himself, so he can avoid the build up that leads to his panic attacks. I think therapy would help him a lot in this process. Good luck!

As men, society has conditioned us to take on a lot of pressure to sexually please a woman. This + a fragile self esteem + bad masturbation habits + bad previous experiences can lead to a lot of performance anxiety. To get an erection you need to be fairly relaxed. I say this because your sentence I quoted looks like a rational thought that makes a lot of sense, but I think it stems from a place of fear and insecurity. I could be completely wrong so I apologize if that is the case. I just sensed an attempt to stop feeling miserable through getting better at sex, which doesn't seem to come from a place of fun/play but from a place of fear. My advice is to try to find someone you can be vulnerable with and talk about this stuff, as well as healing the experiences that led you to expect ao much out of yourself and also to consider therapy. Good luck!

It's a matter of degrees. I don't think you can be 100% authentic all the time in our society. We all play different roles depending on who we're relating to. The important thing, IMO, is to be aware of it so you can be as authentic as possible as often as you can, especially with the most important people in your life. With anxiety in general, my experience is that trying to fight it or control it, only makes it worse. On the other hand, not trying to do anything in particular about it and keep doing the things that make you anxious, slowly reduces the anxiety over time. If it's a very intense anxiety, grounding techniques are useful, but if you think about it, they're also an attempt to get rid of anxiety, which creates tension and that can feed the anxiety. So, I use them in moderation and other times I just accept that I'm anxious and try to treat that anxious part with compassion and understanding, because it's usually rooted in "traumatic" experiences and is trying to protect me. I hope this helps!

It's usually anxiety related. You need to be relaxed to be able to pee. The only real solution is to keep facing that situation, take your time, do some breathing technique or maths in your head so you can relax. Therapy makes this process easier.

The problem if we tell you what you should do is that it will be another proof to yourself that you can't trust yourself and you need other people to decide for yourself. I can relate to what you're feeling and from personal experience I can tell you it's better to trust your gut, even if it turns out to be the "wrong" decision. At least you get experience in listening to your emotions. What you can do is consider the different options you're facing and sit with the feelings that arise when you imagine yourself choosing each option. What could be the worst outcome? How do you feel about making "mistakes"? Why did he offer sessions for free? Sorry if you said it in another comment and I haven't seen it.

Just watched this video the other day. Maybe it helps. I strongly suggest you start a therapy to get to the root of your existential anxiety. No thinking or reading will fix it in the long run, but I get how watching videos on the topic soothes the anxiety. At the end of the day, you'll have to sit with those feelings and express them so they don't fill up until you have an anxiety attack. Therapy is probably one of the best places to be able to sit with your feelings. Good luck!