noip

Had an online penpal, a guy from overseas during lockdown. We messaged each other back and forth for little over a week consistently. We got along very well. Our messages were long (I'd spend an hour writing back) and we were having fun. However, eventually I just wanted to focus on other pursuits and get back to the real world so I mustered a meaningful goodbye even though it wasn't easy. Well he never messaged me back. Now I'm wondering if I did something wrong. Did I mess up? Why didn't he write back? Tell me what you think.

You acknowledge that you "used to ghost on people". Is there a chance that you did that this time as well, in a more subtle form? And maybe knowingly so? And maybe most provocative of all, what kind of feelings has ghosting been triggering within you? Is there a chance that it is somehow related to a feeling of pleasure? There question don't necessarily need to be answered here, it's more about contemplating questions than needing to answer them. Those kind of questions are very useful for exploration. To be able to stay with such provocative inquiries without getting triggered (much, because trigger it will). In such a moment, to refrain from feeling accused, victimized or lashing back at someone (or self) is truly a magnificent super-power Remember, you're looking for help to lead you to greater understanding, we're here to help That might mean others asking questions that you may need to think about and not that's not necessarily what you want to hear. And by no means does such questions, posted by some random person, imply they/us knowing anything; the situation, something about him, or you. We know nothing but our own interpretation of limited information that arises out of our own biases. The reason why I stated "I USED TO THINK I HAD NO RESPONSIBILITY" is that I have changed in my ways. I am reformed. To imply that I need to further explore this takes away, FROM ME, the effort I've put into CHANGING WHO I AM. Now if you could just acknowledge that you'd realize how irrelevant that phrase is is to the current matter between me and my friend. YOU ARE STUCK ON ONE SMALL PHRASE, TAKEN OUT OF CONTEXT. YES, IT IS AN IRRELEVANT PHRASE IN THE WAY YOU ARE USING IT, which is serving to do nothing for you but shame me. What does this have anything to do with self-exploration? Wtf. Newsflash: If I didn't have these questions, I wouldn't BE HERE. Again, this isn't even relevant BECAUSE I DON"T DO IT ANYMORE. I DIDN'T EVEN GHOST HIM. And if you've paid ANY attention, you'd have been encouraging of my reformation rather than condemning me for something I used to do and DIDN'T DO TO THIS PERSON. Why would this give me feelings of pleasure when I've obviously stopped once I realized it was wrong/not what I wanted? I STRAIGHT UP SAID THAT. What the fuck? You know what, I asked if he was mad or hurt to his face-- Unlike some people I don't just put words in others' mouths and assume things about them, and it turns out he's just busy and dealing with other things in his life to reply back yet. What's more, he thinks it's weird I'd even considered he might be mad-- NOW HE THINKS I'M CLINGY. THANKS, FORUM. HE ISN'T EVEN HURT. WTF. Why do I even come to this forum. Fuck this place. I'm never coming back.

See that's what I mean. Because I clearly said-- Not hurt; it is distressed. Please, just, read.

Hurt and distressed are not the same things; it's almost like you don't even know what you're apologizing for.

You do realize that because of your assumptions, you accused me of doing things I didn't do (e.g. Hurting other people) and that it distressed me. I didn't feel distressed by anyone else in this thread. I don't know why you can't just take responsibility. Maybe you can also work on your English, but reading comprehension is also a part of that.

@Preety_India It'd behoove you to read more carefully before accusing someone of egregious behavior in your definition. Everyone has accused others at some point or another; it happens; that is why it is good to have humility for the sake of growth/progress. That said, ^This is insensitive because I had written: Key words: I used to think Regarding that sentence, it's clear you don't understand why I wrote the response I did to @universe. I would clarify things for you, but teaching is not my forte and I am anyway awkward with this subject (feelings, my own and other people's). I agree with this^. And I think you should work on your reading comprehension.

Ghosting is going "cold turkey." It's where you abruptly leave and never even bother to say bye or why you're leaving to someone. In my first post, So I didn't ghost him; your accusation is unfounded. Now what I didn't add to the first post was that I said we could keep messaging each other, I just wasn't going to be checking my email as often. I don't know if he's hurt or not. That'd just be putting words in his mouth. I feel like you made a lot of assumptions here...

I don't understand what you're saying. Could you expound on both points?

I actually recently watched this TV series on ghosting, here: http://www.mtv.com/shows/ghosted-love-gone-missing. I used to think I didn't have any responsibility to the people I ghosted on, and it was on them to deal with their own feelings. I thought them getting "hung up" or not being able to "move on" was weak and worse than ghosting someone. I've since realized how incredibly selfish and pathetic that mentality is. So I'm trying to be as honest and open in my communications with people, notably people I had mutual connections with. I decided to send him a message asking if he was mad at me. He's probably not going to like it though; probably should have rephrased to ask what happened. Hopefully he's not an ass about it but it's better to know sooner rather than later.

It has been almost a year since I last visited this blog. I'm currently in quarantine. Feeling quite tired at the moment. Here; this is the music I am listening to: Some new things about my life-- - I got a job and I really love it; I think I have found my calling in life - I am still studying for my entrance exams; I've only realized recently that I've simply been very unmotivated for the past few years, to do anything productive with my life. The reason why is apathy-- towards my life and myself. Now that I know this I've been taking appropriate steps in resolving any blockages. - I lost 15 lbs --15 more to go! - My sleep is OK. I now sleep from 10PM-7AM, and I have to say it's probably the most optimal sleep I've had in a long time probably because it's where my natural circadian rhythm falls. - I've learned that I require some novelty or stimulation in my life. There is a label for this; it's HSS (high sensation seeker) HSP (highly sensitive person); and that's me in a nutshell; I think the reason why the "labels" help me so much is that it helps me build a vocabulary about what's going on inside of me through studying a pre-made framework. - I have such an urge to cook again; I stopped for a long time because of trauma from my last job (where I "cooked" a lot). I am in the process of buying cooking utensils and ingredients; can't say it will be a great experience; will have to see. Cooking has a way of bringing out the darker sides of me (I find it stressful). - My pet whose family I cared for and adopted out (but I kept her) is now a year and 3 months old. She's well past her prime (she is considered "elderly")-- She's very tame and sweet. - Up until quarantine, I'd been socializing more and building a sense of "community," that includes attending fundraisers, going to church, volunteering, and writing workshops. It's been great help for my mental health. At the moment I am trying to build a more meaningful life, one that I want to engage in and be a part of.

In reading the Journal Guidelines of this subforum, I got really inspired to make a journal documenting my journey towards self-improvement in an authentic way. In 2017, I hit a mid-life crisis. I left my abusive dead-end job that I had no passion for and had me working 60+ hours a week with no overtime pay. I broke up with my fiance who lied to me about his health issues and cheated on me. It was a nightmare. In the aftermath, I lost my home and my car, and my beloved pet. Homeless, I turned to my family members for help. While transitioning into a new job, I struggled with feelings of impending doom and anxiety to where I was slated into therapy and diagnosed with trauma and PTSD. There I began exploring mindfulness meditation and relaxation techniques. Being fit all my life, I gained a significant amount of weight. I also came to find that if I wasn't careful of my hormone levels, it could trigger episodes of psychosis for me. Since then, I've rebounded some. I've worked hard in figuring out what makes me happy. I eat healthier and try to exercise regularly. I've changed my career field of choice and am working to break through. I'm no longer in as intense denial about who I am and what I'm about. I also found out that some of my issues, including social anxiety and getting easily overwhelmed, stemmed from being an HSP (Highly Sensitive Person). None of it is perfect, but I am trying to be a better version of myself. At the moment, I know the key is in self-mastery. I am very glad to have found a forum that is geared towards self-improvement !! I think about this often in my life, but looking at the state of my current life and how I am nowhere near where I'd like to be, I often wonder what I am doing wrong. I think I will try and make a journal to keep myself on track with my life goals.

First date. I picked a local cafe with good music and volume, and comfortable seats. My date shows up. He is leaning forward and his pupils are dilated. But he persistently yawns, heavily, which he tells me is due to a busy day. I ask, do you think you could use some sleep? He says yes, tells me it’s nice meeting me and we should reschedule, pats my hand for god knows why, and then promptly leaves! I look at the clock to find that only 20-30 minutes have passed. he never sends a follow up text. did my date just bail on me?

I’ve been having bad flare-ups of social anxiety lately where I think everyone hates me. The reality is they are likely indifferent, but deep down I think I’m highly unpopular and ostracized, and I really want to just ask people “What do you really think of me?” questions— 1. What suggestions do you have of what I can do to improve this? 2. What do you really think of me? 3. Would it be a good idea to actually ask people this? Or would it be weird?

I frequent another forum, and have been there for years now... Lately when I make threads on there, I've noticed that only some users will reply, and it's always the same users. Other users will completely ignore the thread and won't respond, and don't respond to any threads I make, despite responding to multiple threads within the same topic. I'm starting to feel like the forum is a popularity contest-- People will only respond if they like the topic starter or are friends with them. Otherwise, the topic starter gets ignored. Thus, unless the topic starter is actively trying to be liked and popular, they're basically "shunned." Does this sound reasonable to you? What would you do in a situation like this?

Recently I tried a new guided meditation I found on the internet. During the meditation, I'm supposed to "feel unconditional love" and let it flow through me. However, I experienced a block because all I could really feel was fear. I felt scared, and it wasn't a new or unfamiliar feeling. If I were to describe it, I probably have carried this fear with me all the time for the past several years, and meditation only seemed to allow me to really feel it. I suddenly saw in my mind's eye a subjective image of a dark, cloaked figure with a skull face. This image represented my fear. I feel like this fear is stopping me from "feeling unconditional love." How do I fix this/make it better?

it's free on YT Reapers as a concept aren't unlovable. There's lots of romanticized movies and TV shows about them. Still, for w/e reason, it was ominous in my mind. IDK what that was about... err. yeah.. i'll pass....

I've recently met someone online that I've taken an uncanny interest in. I'm a bit wary about it, and so are all my family, because my last ex-boyfriend/fiance was a nightmare. He stalked me for months after I broke up with him, and was very disrespectful to the wishes of me and my family. I met my ex in school while completing my graduate courses. So I'm hoping that this new guy I'm talking to won't end up so turbulent. I'll have to be more careful/cautious with him. I am actually thinking that when I'm truly serious about someone, making them sign an official background check and undergoing neuropsychological evaluation. ...I know, heavy, right. I just feel like I can't be too cautious. Anyway, at the moment I am busting my butt looking for work. There's a lot of jobs, so it's not as bad as it has been the last several years when the recession hit. At current I'm studying for a couple of standard exams for more schooling still. I'll have to sign up for classes to brush up on material, but I don't want to make the commitment until I have a job that can help me pay for my classes. Taking care of my health has been the best thing. I no longer feel as "wobbly" about life or like "I can't do it." Once I've really cemented my schedule, I think it should be smooth sailing~! I did make some changes, such as to my meditation routine. I've recently picked up on this thing called "reiki," a new-age healing. It apparently has proven, in one study, beneficial for individuals who displayed depression/anxiety ( neurotics like me : ) but didn't fit the dsm-v diagnostic criteria. So far, it has really helped me to "Let go," and that has made such a big difference in positivity.

Great advice. I did let it just "express itself," and it passed on its own. I don't really understand it, but maybe I don't need to because when I repeated the meditation exercise, I felt completely at ease. So, thanks!

Since my self-care has improved, and my health is better, I'm starting to feel more like myself again. No longer do I feel "weak" and like "I can't do this life." Basically, I feel like I've spent the past several months recuperating from all of life's setbacks, improving my strategies for coping and trying to find a sense of motivation that came internally rather than externally. I've done the hard work of cutting out all the parts of my life that didn't gel with me. I've thought long and hard about past disappointments, processed my numerous experiences, and matured. I used to compare myself to the seed that was never inserted into the dirt and never grew. But at the moment, after all this time to reflect, process, and think deeply and meaningfully, I feel like wherever I landed, the seed has cracked and I've sprouted. I didn't really realize it, but this is the part where I really start "gaining momentum." Once I'm fully healthy again, I should be better immersed in my physical world in a way that is meaningful, productive, and unstoppable. In the past I kept saying "I feel like I'm ready to make things happen," but now I realize that people who are "ready to make things happen" don't ever say that. Usually because they are already making things happen. Anyway, lots to do today... My everyday schedule has stabilized.

I love playing first person shooting games. I had a bad addiction and had to quit cold-turkey. A friend I made had me play a decade after I quit, and he thinks I've maintained muscle memory. Still managed 3 headshots and wiped out half the team. Good times.

I think the human concept of time, at current, is a limited one. Time exists as a straight line to us; there's a past, a present, and a future. However, a lot of sci-fi videos play with the concept of time not existing as a line. Can you imagine that? Where past, present, and future are both simultaneous and fluctuating.

It's everyone's role in society to contribute positively to society. Often that does take on the form of a job, where the work you do feeds into a system that ultimately has practical utility for the mass majority; thus the things you create/produce in some way helps the society you live in or are a part of. Also, having a job means making money and paying taxes, and that money paid then gets spent, which helps cashflow/the economy. A good economy means jobs are available, thus allowing other people ways to contribute positively to society and maintain a standard of living. It all sort of feeds back into itself...

Yesterday as I sat in a coffee shop trying to get some work done, I reflected a bit on my life and finally came to an ultimatum with myself about how exactly I will be spending my time. The fact is, I am plagued by many addictions. I want to watch youtube, I want to binge watch a new show on netflix, I want to eat junk food, I want to play online games, etc. It was when I found myself checking social media for the 10th time within a minute after putting up a post that I asked myself, "Are you even happy? Are you happy being a slave to likes, hearts, "nods" of approval from people who barely even know you? You know you could die and these people would never even know to mourn you, if even that. You could say something to piss them off and never answer back or leave, and your life would carry on like nothing happened. Are you happy spending such a significant amount of your time on something that barely even makes a dent or an impact in your life?" The addiction to social media came with anxiety, where I'd find myself asking "Why aren't you checking? Check." I'd say to that voice, "I just checked seconds ago, not even a minute has passed yet...Chill" and it'd whisper back, "Check again. What if what you said is disapproving? Won't you be embarrassed? I KNOW what you said was wrong! Oh my god, how could that happen! Aren't you afraid to look silly? Aren't you embarrassed? Check. Check again." I realize all my addictions afflict me the same way. It's persistent, incessant thoughts either in the form of words or images that interfere or disrupt my daily work/routine. I almost gave into the sense of urgency my addiction embedded, but I didn't. Had I done it, I would have "lost." Ever since trying to find ways to cope with addiction and employing some strategy yesterday, I was more productive. I feel happier. I find that starting new and necessary (for my health) habits have been difficult, as is keeping the momentum going, due to my addictions interfering with tasks. With addiction, it becomes increasingly difficult to fit all my goals into the necessary time frames so that I can complete what I need to by the end of the day. I am going to stop letting addictions rule my life. I am going to be "happy" for once in a more true and authentic way, and not just giving into "fancies" and "whims" for fleeting moments of happiness that are really just empty and meaningless. --- So last night, after effectively coping with my social media and youtube addictions, I finally managed to sleep at 8PM as scheduled. I managed to clock in 8 hours of sleep and am feeling good about today. So far, so good. *phew* Now to just keep that up...

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Went out with my mom this mother's day. I feel bad because she asked if I could lend her money to help pay off debt, and I said I couldn't. She sat in the car and asked me why not. I didn't tell her that most all my money went into raising a surprise litter behind her back. Ugh. I don't know, I just suddenly found myself with two young animal parents and 7 little babies in my hands. Should I have allowed them to die? I couldn't. I gave them up as soon as they were ready. What's more, I spent a lot of money for health-related issues and gave hundreds to them for their trips and shopping and all that shit, so I literally have like nothing left to give. I am squeezed out dry. I felt bad, especially since it's Mother's Day. And frankly, I'm very embarrassed. Mom hasn't been able to look me in the eye since, but that's the situation I'm in. I look at the kids of this generation and how they were able to find good jobs right out of graduation, since the economy has picked up, and I feel like I happened to be born in the wrong time and am just a doomed generation born in a shitty wrong time. It's like gods/the universe decided to make my dreams *poof* in one big joke called The Recession. Most accumulated debt from my generation also stems from credit card debt, so school loans aren't the only things taking a huge bite. Not to mention reeling from feelings of deprivation, loss, disillusionment, and Recession Blues. My generation has the highest suicide rate and an opioid crisis. I'm nowhere I thought I'd be due to a multitude of factors beyond my control, and it's pretty painful. Anyway, on a lighter note, this coming Thursday should be my last health appointment and things can finally begin picking up speed as I search for a job and get back into school. I know it will get better. I just need to keep chipping away at it...