noip

She's amazing! Very articulate. Yes, I was part of a forum that took on a female mod for the purposes of preventing a, as they put it, "sausage party" from happening. The forum admin wanted the site to be more "female-friendly" and I think it worked out for them because there is a strong female presence on that forum, and it's a fairly non-toxic, friendly place.

Thanks for the encouraging reply. When I was very confused in my life, I did turn to astrology to help find answers. My Saturn Return (SR) came during 2014-2017 in W.Astrology, and my life completely flipped over during that time. Right before the end of my SR (I believe Dec 19), my relationship ended just as suddenly as it started for my ex-fiance and I (which I hear isn't an uncommon occurrence at all for relationships that start during a SR transit, and especially, apparently, if the relationship was started for the purpose of increasing stability). Recently I looked into my chart again, for the fun purposes of deciphering my love life. I have a retrograde Jupiter in Gemini in the first house in Taurus. The mix and snippets of information I got from this is that apparently I have an increased chance of finding love while publicly speaking. Otherwise, I find meditation highly effective in finding answers. I think at some point in life, the answers come from within. Well thanks for the questions. I suppose there are a couple ways to further proceed.

So I made a topic that so far no one has responded to-- I'm assuming it's because NOBODY HERE KNOWS WTF TO DO. Which is just fine~ However, I just found it somewhat strange that the topic that happened to be "hot" at the time of my posting was about some guy's penis. Considering the threads that proceeded to be discussed thereafter, it's no wonder. I guess what I'm saying is, this place doesn't strike me as a very female-friendly place, with even some threads started by what suspiciously looks like red-pill leaners. Go figure. --- Onto the topic of self-mastery. Today was great. It's almost bedtime in 2 hours. Lots to do tomorrow.

Lately my sleep has been quite bad. I get some nights where my sleep is broken in half. I think my sleep has mostly gone substantially downhill since the litter was born back in January (and also since getting what became their parents back in November). The little critters are nocturnal, make lots of noises at night, and honestly, I didn't think it would affect me this much. I suppose being HSP has something to do with it though; you know, what with the sensitivity to the environment and whatnot. The other piece of the puzzle is that I am a night owl. My most optimal sleep times range from 12AM to 3AM until 8 hours after sleep starts. Of course this isn't doable considering that society starts the day at 9AM. I do have ear plugs and they help a lot, but they're also uncomfortable to sleep in. I wish I could get my sleep down. A lot of people have recommended Melatonin. I keep trying to fall asleep on my own by being consistent about my sleep schedule, but I find that my schedule is so packed, at the end of the day there's so many things I desire to do it's hard to fall asleep. : / I know that getting a regular sleep schedule means everything else will fall into place. In fact, sleep should probably be my #1 priority right now... I need to be more stringent about my sleep times. Focus of this week: Waking and sleeping at allotted times/following a regular sleep schedule *** I drank a whole cup of coffee today; it did nothing for me.

Another emotional spiel I've opted to share here-- Today I was looking for an I.D. I'd acquired years ago. Months passed, and it came time that I needed it again (it was requested). As I emptied out old purses, searched racks and boxes, I came across an old box I'd placed memories of my ex-fiance in. The parting between my ex-fiance and I was very sudden. One day he had proposed and I'd said yes, and literally the next day he left me. I learned a great many things about him in his absence and refused to take him back. My family was in an uproar. I quelled my cognitive dissonance with love songs. I found I couldn't throw everything of us away. While most of my mind decided to make a clean cut; part of my mind protested. Meanwhile, my heart continued floating on cloud 9... So for the sake of my heart the few precious items of our time together I placed into a cardboard shoebox; it sat in a dark corner of my closet and collected dust. I felt apprehensive when I came upon it today. I didn't really want to open the box. Something inside of me seemed to shake its head as if saying "No, no, noip... Not the box." But I thought to myself, "Surely if my old ID were anywhere, it'd be in there...?" I had to check. I lifted the lid and there was the teasing stuffed animal imitating the pet he'd wanted for us, the scarf he'd bought me on our first xmas, the receipt for the engagement ring, letters and cards containing sentiments, and buried underneath it all was a photograph of us. As I touched each item, I felt this intense sense of... Joy. Even in knowing how bad the ending was, the grieving, the loss and the intense dissonance I struggled with for months--And the danger I found myself in-- I felt joyful, calm, and at peace. I realized that this was the core memory of him and of us, and as this "old me" I recalled flooded over me I felt love. Pure and simple love. It's interesting to me how love doesn't seem to care at all about what seems to become "background noise." That experienced turned upside down any preconceived notions I'd had about romance, which was mostly negative. I realized that in moving forward into future relationships, I'll likely end up carrying that same sense of happiness and joy. I admit for a long time I was confused about this sense "happy memories" in our bleak parting and still kind of am. Someone once told me that it was "the way to grieve," to remember with a fondness those once loved and long gone. I think for sure though that with him and in that period of my life, my heart was truly happy. In the end, however, my mind won out. I think(know) it is for the best.

Today was a productive day. I was able to put some time into meditation and working out. Since January I made it a goal to be healthier since I realized I needed to take care of myself in order to care for others, and so far I've been consistently taking vitamins supplements (I take a mixture of biotin, fish oils, vitamin D, and women's multivitamins), as well as a glass of milk for Ca and 3L of water daily to avoid dehydration and the stress that comes with it. Usually breakfast is a healthy omelette with whole-grain wheat toast followed with yoghurt to replenish natural probiotics. As expected, the blizzard that hit us stopped me from bringing the litter into the shelter today to be put up for adoption. The wet snow froze over and the roads became slippery, and no one plowed our area (we live out in the country). I was essentially "snowed in." Tried making a call to a financial aid adviser since I'm trying to go back to school. I've called her multiple times and she never picks up, so this time I left a message. I'm trying not to feel too discouraged by it. Otherwise, I got hours worth of studying in, followed my morning routine, and retired to bed by 730 to read and fall asleep. It's now 1030. I blame it on social media. I've been thinking lately that ever since forum'ing became a hobby, I've gained weight. Things to work on-- A regular waking and bed time Reading before sleeping Increasing loving-kindness/compassion (will have to look into it) Next week I have 5 events to tend to spread out all over the place. I feel unhappy about it, but despite all this apprehension I've built up, I feel like it's going to be well and fine.

I can't say that I was surprised it turned out the way that it did. And yeah, to some extent the mechanical thinking in part contributed to my decreased patience with the ordeal, because it's not like it was the first time I witnessed that same behavior from him, nor the second, or the third... Thank you for this. My past turbulence has taught me that this negativity I struggle with is probably an issue that needs to be sorted out. I'd very much like to go through life unperturbed by people (I'd describe it as "petty" to be honest), and the more I think about it the more I feel like being a more compassionate person is the route to go. Sometimes I feel like my heart is so little--but I was coached by my old therapist to quell such thoughts as these. It's because of this intense self-criticism and harshness I impose on myself that life is more of a struggle than it needs to be.

This entry will be a bit different from what I had planned for this blog (focusing on my goals). Instead, I'll be working on a bit of emotional awareness. I've frequented a forum in the past for a few years now. That forum was there during my descent into madness and all throughout the years of my toxicity where I struggled with myself and the world around me. It was a period of personal growth, really. Recently I've come out of my toxicity, and I find that I can only take the forum now in doses. This saddens me quite a bit, because now that I'm healthier I want to contribute healthy content. However, being there in the midst of other toxic individuals pushes me back a herculean leap. It's almost as if, now that I'm in a better place, I'm no longer feeling as suited for that environment. So I've been telling myself that maybe I can indeed contribute, but maybe I should just keep it "in doses." Almost like having a certain level of threshold, when I have too much exposure to "there," I actually feel nervous. My heart beat rate quickens, and my chest feels tight and my breathing gets strained. One such incident today was when I saw a member discuss his difficulties with "holding onto the past and its negativity." Except he disguised the topic as a book he'd read and wanted to discuss in detail. A member came along and basically confirmed everything he wanted to hear, telling him to see both the good and bad and to move on. He lauded her on how wise she was and intelligent and insightful and blah blah blah. I don't know why this bothered me. I immediately felt a strong burst of negativity towards him. I also thought that his praise was very unjustified, especially in a public domain with many wise, intelligent, insightful individuals, and it looked a lot like he just wanted validation and liked this person who validated him. I suppose I'm still wrapping my head around people needing "external validation" and not admitting it. As a generality, I struggle with people who are blind to their own faults and seem perfectly smug about it. This may be an aspect of life/reality I simply have to come to terms with within myself. I think I feel impatient with it because when I was younger I was hungry for external validation due to wanting to impress someone I greatly respected. The things I did for that person's sake are things I still regret to this very day. And being upset about others' smugness seems rather hypocritical considering how, for a long time, I was also in denial about myself, and the immense feedback from life and society it took to overcome some of my blockages. Maybe that's why when I see that short-sightedness in others, I feel an almost hatred; maybe it's really just a reflection of my own self-hatred and my world's hatred? To me his actions were inconsiderate, rude, self-defeating, lacking in awareness, and I think what bothers me most is the way his words penetrate reality-- How it shapes the world of the person he praises and the audience who reads his words. And for some reason, I find that unforgiveable. it makes me wonder if I'm really "healthier" or if I'm simply onto the next phase of personal issues I need to deal with. Years ago I had a therapist who specialized in mindfulness meditation. Towards the end of my sessions with her (I had to move away so could no longer see her), she wanted me to practice a loving-kindness meditation everyday. Maybe I should take up the practice again. Until then, I really can only handle my "old forum home" in doses...

Today I met with a volunteer coordinator. My goal is to use this experience to help secure a decent job that will meet my needs. I chose to volunteer in a local hospital that was in need of hands... At first I wasn't feeling too good going into the interview. I have social anxiety, so anything that includes interacting with people really conjures negativity in me. I feel my heartbeat rate increase, I feel nervous, and I have all these horrible thoughts like "What if they don't like me?" I also start making excuses like "I won't go, because I'm busy with something else" to avoid facing people. I also had to finish a multiple-page quiz for the position, and the materials they provided were insufficient in filling out all the quiz answers. I felt very frustrated after spending two hours on it and feeling stuck. I kept thinking that they were going to grade my quiz, which I couldn't complete because material was missing and not anywhere I could locate such as online. I thought of ways I could argue why they shouldn't dock points, and that it wasn't my fault. I came into the appointment early, and there I sat with a group of strangers. I tried not to make eye contact; I felt like if they did they'd see things about me that I wanted to keep hidden, such as that I harbored frustration and anxiety, and I'm basically rock-bottom in life. After the interview was over, however, I found that I was able to build rapport with both the strangers and the interviewers. The group of strangers began to feel more like a family as they asked me questions and I answered and conversation began to flow. They found out about my aspirations and seemed to respect my choices. The interviewer appreciated my going over the quiz answers that I was stuck on. Not only was it an opportunity for us to talk about the different strategies that the organization had implemented recently, but we also genuinely enjoyed the exchange. I have a lot of doubts and insecurities at this point in my life, but I shouldn't doubt the fact that trying to move forward and up is something many people relate to, regard positively, and support. I suppose that makes it a human thing, which means I'm probably being too harsh on myself. --- Tomorrow I plan to free up stress and time in my life by putting a (surprise) litter I was caring for into the shelter for adoption. After a long period of deliberation, I decided it was best for all of us that they found a new home. Unfortunately, there is an awful blizzard or snowstorm in our midst, so I'm not sure if this means I will have to continue to wait...

thank you both for helping me put things into perspective

I get angry when people don't evaluate the merits of things, and make decisions based off partiality or favoritism. Why is that? What can I do about it?

this is something i struggle with as well...

I take notes in my books all the time. I used to do it excessively. I realize that part of it was an anal-retentiveness I picked up from a schoolmate I used to study with. It was a bad habit because it caused me a lot of anxiety and I couldn't absorb material as fast as I was capable since I was too busy adhering to a standard someone else developed for themselves and tried enforcing onto me. Normally I can read quickly through a book and absorb material and concepts on the fly. It was easy to ace exams. Trying to copy someone else's ways of doing things did me no good.

Hard to tell. Could be a thyroid issue. Could be too much sleep. Could be insufficient vitamins (lack of protein). Could be sleep debt that you are catching up on and one day simply wasn't enough. Could be a sleep disorder. Not enough info.