noip

I could use some advice. I’m deeply hung up over someone. It’s been years since we spoke but I think about him often still. I don’t think that I want to move on and I’m not sure why. I figure it must be a pathetic kind of love. Part of me thinks he must have filled a void for me. I think to replace him with someone else. I can’t seem to get over him. His most defining trait is that he’s really smart. I didn’t notice this about him at first, only realizing it long after he’d left. I’ve never met anyone quite like him since. Advice?

I've been a part of another forum for almost 4 years now. Whenever I make threads there, almost always the responses have been from people I consider "frustrating" in that they have very narrow scopes and outlooks, fail to properly assess and address issues, don't consider various perspectives, come to "make conclusions" within the thread that were already stated in the original post and yet still fail to address the topic, have ideas that aren't well thought-out or logical, and/or personally attack me. Why do I attract this particular cohort? Why aren't the "smart" people attracted to and engaging with me? Also, please don't be offended by my use of the word "smart." I'm not using it to put others down, only to define a "set of people" that I'd rather be engaging with. You could call them "Apples" if you should prefer and it'd still be relevant.

I took a Big 5/SLOAN test. Results (roughly): Extroversion-- 25% Openness to experience-- 85% Agreeableness-- 45% Orderliness-- 60% Emotional Stability--35% I just wanted to note that my Emotional stability percentage indicates "neuroticism", and it looks to have "improved." In case you didn't know, Ever since figuring out that I had no change in heartbeat rate right before the start of a medical procedure, I've realized that these "stories" I told myself perhaps needed to change and be more reflective of "reality." I'm still working on it. When I think about it, I was very anxious growing into adolescence. I grew up moving a lot, living in a variety of different homes, in economic instability, and in various neighborhoods from the dangerous and poverty-stricken to the countryside and well-off suburbs. My parents very much sheltered me stiflingly, protecting me from the elements, but we were still subjected to experiences like poverty, feeling threatened or danger in our surroundings, and regular emotional turbulence from others. Being one of the oldest and female in a traditional patriarchal society and left alone to our devices, I was shafted with a lot of children to care for and "mother," most salient since I was 11. I lived a double life between home and school (which was basically ALL of my life), and that was also stressful. Any resemblance of joy in "one circle" I had to hide from the "other circle" because I felt like their intersection would tear each other apart. It was the only way I felt I could maintain a sense of "peace." So I made a lot of mistakes growing up; I didn't have guidance in some things by the sheer fact that I "hid" many aspects of many of my tribulations, and from all people--friends and family alike. In a way, in the midst of so many heavy burdens, I felt like I had to maintain a "strong" exterior for them as well. It was ok until I got traumatized. Perhaps as a mixture of genetics and all the above, I suffered greatly from persistent feelings of anxiety, worry, severe depression, loneliness, with a proneness for feeling misunderstood. At worst these feelings would manifest as intense anxiety, and then dull paranoia. These "stories" I keep telling myself are filled mostly with intense fear, exasperation over society's "boxes," worry and uncertainty for the future. As I've aged I've tried my best to "ebb" away any residual thoughts and feelings wrought on by the angst of adolescence. This includes taking the time to learn things such as mindfulness meditation, and therapy. In a way, I'm happy that I found "no change" in my resting HBR right before the start of the procedure. It sort of proved to me that whatever I did or experienced to overcome my issues has worked. I can now tell myself new stories. I don't have to go back to all that worry and fear, or basically what makes up neuroticism. I suppose as I try and regain "control" of my life, I can maybe use the big 5 as a way to measure progress? See if my emotional stability improves? I suppose if it doesn't, that might simply validate that "traits" are indeed "fixed." But at least I'll feel more at peace. --- So I decided to give myself a break from my habits on Sunday. I used it as a "rest day"/"lazy day." Big mistake! Because it's set me back. I'm going to make my habits daily and routine. Even though articles indicate I shouldn't be exercising "all 7 days of the week", I'm going to do it because I always start my days with a workout, and without it it's so easy to fall off-track.

Thanks for sharing the italicized. You are right of course; it is much easier to forgive others when we can relate/empathize with any perceived shortcomings. I'm realizing the pain of "perceived shortcomings" might in some cases stem from disappointment--Notably in situations where you hold another person in high regard and are more easily influenced by their opinion. My next line of thought, however, is "what do I do next?" Ignore the person? Carry on pretending you didn't hear their hurtful remark? Tell them why they're wrong? And then, but what if they expected a reply and jump to conclusions when you don't answer; what if they keep pushing the point continuously; what if you get into a bad argument and they leave resentful?, respectively. My go-to is to just ignore it, but I know how that can drive people crazy.

Just wanted to express that I'm really impressed with the replies so far. It has given me much to consider and think about.

I've had people in my life tell me that I was, "for sure," going to end up in toxic relationships. Or that I'd never reach my goals and would be "like a dog chasing its tail" and to "just settle with what you can get." Where is that feedback coming from? When I think about it, maybe they are broken people. Maybe they failed, shattered in the fall, and are projecting their failures onto me? In a way, I feel like they are mocking me and it makes me feel bad. It also puts fear into my heart, like, "What if they are right?" What do you do in situations like the above?

I think in my life I've struggled the most with the darkness in other people. While I was taught it was "wrong" to feel or think certain things and managed to "curb it back" all my life, usually through deep denial, I feel like others around me have given it "free reign." What happens is that it's hard for me to recognize others' negativity towards me, and so I don't address it appropriately. What's more, I don't think we as a society really know how to deal with our negative feelings. We have such strong notions of "good" vs "bad" and this dualistic thinking has benighted us. We end up dealing damage to others without really realizing it. We hurt the people we supposedly care about because we couldn't come to terms with our own psychological afflictions or pain. And I think this is what I've come to define as "toxic." My issue with it is that it's sort of correlated to that bible verse-- "You hypocrite! First, remove the beam out of your own eye, and then you can see clearly to remove the speck out of your brother's eye." A lot of people have "logs in their eyes," and in "helping" others they become like "the blind leading the blind." Whatever shapes what becomes our personal philosophies, whatever we struggle with, are like ripples in a pond--Since no man is an island, our ideas spread like a disease. With friends like that, who needs enemies. There's a saying that "the path to hell is paved with good intentions." This is all too true in my life. Everyone talks about wanting to succeed in life through one's own effort. The fact of the matter is, we're increasingly becoming more team-oriented. It's not simply about "one's own effort" but also the people around you who can, and have, make or break a person--Whether in their career, in their relationships, or basically any other pursuit in life that requires a "team effort" to succeed. One such relationship that can "make or break" a person is mentors, with regards to their career. I always thought that mentors didn't get enough appreciation in this world that we live in. In Disney movies, or any other story plot, they're always sure to die. At some point somewhere in our lives, if we're fortunate enough, someone, not our parents, willingly took the time to "raise us" to be the people we did. Someone genuinely cared about our growth. Someone saw something in us. We become giants because we stand on their shoulders. However, not all of us are so lucky to find a mentor, and that's why the statistics support that those who had lacked mentors were much less likely to succeed in their careers. Apparently mentorship is even more crucial for women in male-dominated fields such as STEM. I think that's why it's important to have diverse people "succeeding" and not a bland group of people who are similar or basically the same, and it'd be quite telling if they were all the same. I also think that's why a lot of people call it "luck" when they're able to do seemingly "impossible things." My LACK of luck is that I didn't have any mentors in my life who were able to nurture or bring out the best in me as I figured things out, fumbling in the dark awkwardly. I had a lot of "toxic bosses" and "toxic relationships," and people who failed to see my worth, but no one who really "got" me. And deep down, I feel like I still carry that pain of feeling like "I am different" and the fear that "because I am different, no one will connect with me. I will never succeed." And because I am different, "I'll always feel like the workplace is toxic." I've found in my success that there were people who didn't think I deserved it, didn't want me to succeed, or were "fair weather" friends, disappearing when things got hard. Recently a friend instilled some fear and doubt in my heart. I'm at an especially vulnerable time in my life, with a lot of fears and uncertainty, and am doing my hardest to push past my weaknesses so my life at least feels "livable." When he did that to me, I realized it was from his own psychology he spoke and not at all to my benefit. It's bothering me more than I thought it would, but understanding that "some of your 'friends' don't want to succeed" is helping me move on. In trying to understand it, that's when I came across the idea of the "crab mentality"-- https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Crab_mentality I think the despair of humanity is a really deep pit; seemingly endless, really.

I'm 30f, single, never been married and no kids. I admit I'm feeling the pressure to settle down due to age. I have an OKCupid account, and I've noticed that by the time guys in my area hit 36, they're either divorced with the extra responsibilities of young children/toddlers and a baby mama (I don't think I want kids), or "way out there" (very strange, or to put it nicely maybe, "not my type"). Fact is, I never cared to find a partner until I met a guy at 24 who became my ex-fiance when I was 28. While it didn't work out and we broke up, I found that I really enjoyed sharing my life with a partner/SO. I realized I'd really like to find that kind of relationship again, but I'm feeling like my window of opportunity is slowly closing (the dating pool of good quality relationships/compatible men is shrinking). The sad part is, I'm in a transitory phase in my life. I recently lost my house, car, beloved pets (could no longer care for them), job, went bankrupt, and gained a significant amount of weight (stress eating). I'm working on improving all these things at the moment, but that does mean I may have to move far away to different cities, likely more than once within the next 10 years, to obtain opportunities/move forward. I'm wondering how to best proceed with my love life. Looking down the trajectory of my life from here, I'm genuinely worried at the real possibility that I'll end up alone despite not wanting that. I'm also fairly sapiosexual in that I need a mental connection to feel attraction and I have no idea where to find intelligent men.

Last night I managed 8 hours of sleep. I hope to improve my sleep further by making it more efficient. At current, if I set aside about 10 hours for sleep, I manage to get 8 hours of sleep. That means ~20% of my "sleep time" consists of segments where I am awake. It'd be nice to cut that down to getting 8 hours of sleep within 8 hours of time set aside for sleep. They say sleeping like mentioned is a bit unusual all things considered. However, considering that I am optimal at 8 hours of sleep, it'd be preferable if I could cut down on the time awake. I think a regular sleep schedule should help in getting closer to achieving the hoped-for results. Reading articles about "sleep," I came across a new term: "sleep inertia," which apparently can be triggered after naps as well. I think "sleep inertia" has contributed to feelings of "not being at my best" and likely has affected my performance in the past. For that reason, I think it would be beneficial to cut out nap times and get as much adequate sleep at night as possible. With regards to habits-- It is working. They are getting more cemented. Ritualizing my routines has instilled meaning in them; this gives me the motivation to continue day in and day out. I'm now able to stay awake during the entire duration of meditation. Also so far, I've managed to lose 3 lbs within the past 1.5 weeks I find that the more "routine" things become, the more I genuinely enjoy doing the activities. I'm trying to improve my "routines" by making them happen earlier in the day and putting less breaks between them, but I'm finding that "timing" is all part of the habituation process. Eventually my body will naturally gravitate toward the desired activities, and as long as my sleep stays on schedule, "timing" should no longer be a problem. It'd be nice to get yogurt back in my diet again... One of the things I really like is how I read more, like I wanted to. I'm halfway through a couple books, one on the Russian Blue and this other one that's taken forever for me to finish on rhetoric. At this rate, I should be able to finish and move onto other books soon! Lately I've been checking in on the litter I gave up for adoption (don't ask me how many times; hint: it's too many). All but a couple have been adopted out. There were pictures and videos taken of them, and that's given me more solace than I ever thought it would. I'm so happy for the ones that have found homes. I miss them all terribly. In other news, 1. I've decided to join IRL groups to find "my people." All my life I've been plagued by feelings of loneliness and "not fitting in." Many "friends" have said, "you aren't alone. There's at least one person in this world throughout history and today who has felt and experienced something like you have." But their words were hollow. They're usually the ones who think we're the same but then realize we're not at all alike. I feel incredibly alone, and I'm not sure how much of that may be because I haven't yet found "my people." Maybe once I get a better feel for who they are, I can identify them faster/more easily. This isn't to say I don't prefer being alone most of the time--I do. 2. I'm going to start a dream journal. I'm incorporating it into my bullet journal. There was more I wanted to update on but will leave it here. I feel like this entry is long enough already. From now on I'd like to go back to gearing this journal toward its intended purpose: Reporting results & hashing out plans.

Today I woke up randomly in the morning after 4 hrs of sleep. I had a nightmare about my ex. This time we actually interacted. In the past he was always at the fringes, the periphery, of my dreams. Since I went to sleep shortly after writing last night’s entry, I dreamed about the guy I still have feelings for (let’s call him L). I was happy to see L. However, it’s the kind of happiness where it’s like “time to watch you from a distance because we’re not close enough for me to be comfortable to try for more.” And idk; while dreaming I wondered what was the point of seeing him again. My plight of never having people I love or respect taking center stage in my life and “feeling stuck” with all the regrettably empty, one-sided relationships I willingly allowed to happen might actually be because I don’t go after those things I want in life. What’s the harm in trying? In asking? Them saying no? Because rejection hurts? Life is so very short. Too short to be a wallflower... In my dreams he was there a moment, and then he disappeared. Just like in reality. I searched but he was forever gone. If only I had stalled him a bit longer; perhaps we’d have become the best of friends; perhaps he’d never leave. Perhaps he’d leave but I’d still be with him. The kind of love I have for L is one where he doesn’t have to be with me; as long as he’s happy I’m fine. I just would still like to be part of his life. Regret. Before I knew it I was in the arms of my ex, and the nightmare began. I feel like the dream is really just a reflection of reality...

Lately I’ve noticed that I have a tendency to hold my chest rather tightly. It leads to the feeling of nervousness. I guess it constricts my breathing as well. Interesting how holding your body a certain way, “posturing,” can lead to changes in behavior. Why is that I wonder. as the days pass I think more often about finding someone to fall in love with. Nothing is really holding me back from putting myself out there and I really enjoyed sharing my life with someone I think... so I’d like to try again... It’s hard because I’m still hung up over this guy I met years ago. Losing that relationship was probably one of the most difficult things. Even now I still yearn for this person to be in my life again and the potential of what we could have been. There’s moments when I’m ok and I know I’ll move on, and then there’s still moments where I feel as though I’ll never get over him. I guess maybe to me he’s “the one that got away.” He’s probably the kind of story you tell your closest friends only after getting drunk: the tale of a heart’s deepest desire that will never be realized and that you struggle admitting even to yourself... i admit I took a chance on my ex boyfriend because he reminded me of him... I told my ex that if it weren’t for him, we probably would never have ended up together... so i don’t know; this is probably the closest I’ve ever been to loving someone so painfully unconditionally, and it’s a pathetic story. At some point it becomes a sad little one sided love. An unrequited love... and maybe I’m just not really ready to move on yet, even though it burns to hold on, but even the burn feels good; intoxicating, really. I think, deep down, I love that I love him and want to keep doing so even though it’s painful. I wonder if that’s odd.

When it rains, it pours, and right now it is pouring rather hard...

As I try and make "following routines" a regular thing in my life, I find myself struggling because of the more playful aspects of my personality. Like rather than rigidly following my routine of studying, I'd rather crochet. I'd rather escape--Through forums, games, or movies. Since these things keep happening, I'm starting to wonder if I should incorporate time for "play." It's like, not enough that I've allowed myself a "rest day" once a week. I need days where I can be creative and have genuine fun. Because so much of what is required in life, to me, just isn't [fun]. It isn't pleasurable. Living is not an enjoyable experience for me and it hasn't been for over decades now. If I were to write the story of my life, it'd be full of discipline and perseverance. I feel like that was required of me: forcing myself to fit a particular way of life that didn't come naturally and probably never will. I excelled at it. I thought that it'd be something I'd never have to worry about (discipline and perseverance), but I was wrong. I pushed too hard. I got burned out. I don't believe that after a burnout you can ever really recover. I think the easiest way to move forward is to remove triggers in the environment for burnout, and to reframe one's perspective in life to make "striving" a bit easier. But being older and generally "caring less" means I don't feel this need to "prove myself" to anyone. I don't feel the need to be "more" or "better." At this point, I'm just looking for ways to maximize happiness because I'm realizing that, maybe to me, essentially nothing else really matters.

I generally like my life right now in comparison to other points in time where I was miserable. Still, the sorest point is some people. Some people are this; some people are that. Having to share my space or other life aspects with people means really unpleasant encounters and situations at times, that aren’t avoidable. Since I have difficulty gauging what about me “triggers” people, because I’m not sure how I’m being perceived by others, it’s hard to tell what I can do to assuage the situations I continuously find myself in. What can I do to not piss x off? What is it about me that they keep targeting and coming after me? It’s uncomfortable because it’s a professional environment; I feel like personal environments are so much easier to navigate because I can just “get it all out there” in the open. It sort of reminds of this episode in the twilight zone. There was a black woman with her son and a racist police officer. The son needs to get to his dorm to start college at an all-black school. The woman has a camcorder that can rewind time, luckily, because no matter what she does or how she tries to avoid the police officer, he goes after her son and kills him on his way to college— again and again and again. I feel like that’s my life; on repeat. Something about you rubs people you don’t know the wrong way, and they go after you. And no matter how you try, you can’t ever seem to get away. Anyway I guess I’ve resolved to read a book about it... like, notably, “how to pick your battles.” maybe someone else has thought deeply enough about it where it’ll be helpful to me...

Today was the first day volunteering... It was... Ok. As usual I enjoyed the work. As usual, people were a thorn at my side. I perpetually look like I'm 20 even though I'm thirty and so when people look at me, they talk to me as if I have this whole life ahead of me still. Anyway someone wasn't happy with us and tried to report us to our supervisor. Literally, ON DAY ONE. It made no sense at all why she was being so rude; all my trainer and I did was try and get to know each other and train (me). But the entire time this lady was like, "SHHH NO SOCIALIZING GIRLS. NUH-UH, NOT. HERE." I don't think I've ever been spoken to like that since I was a tiny teen. Plus I don't see a "no talking" sign anywhere. She didn't have to be so rude she could have just told us that us talking there was disruptive to her and we'd have left. What a bitch. But that wasn't enough. Later she stopped us randomly in the middle of work to ask our supervisor's name to report us. I'm not 17 anymore. I'm a 30 year old woman for god's sake. But girl who trained me in talked a lot I admit. Talked so much I ended up overstaying at my shift by an hour. Ack, annoying. Most of the time she didn't understand what I was saying and was very "in her head." Sometimes it felt like she was talking to herself. She's very iNtuitive, prefers deep conversations (which I wincingly obliged to), and all that. I'm not about to cramp her style; I appreciate what she brings into the world and people like that rude woman mentioned above need to understand that and work with people or stfu. God i'd hate to have her as a social worker. Today isn't so great. Got bad news one after the next and this morning was a flurry of obstacles. I'm a bit sick, headache, and, basically, rock-bottoming out. It's been a terrible day and I'm just trying to hang in there.

Wow; great video! Wish I had stumbled upon it much sooner in my life... Today I've a bit of time to spare, so I've decided to update my blog here. After watching the above video, I thought quite a bit about the framework Leo made about the "rubber hitting the road" and needing to develop a "survival mentality." I think after experiencing burnout from my career field, I lost that survival mentality. Thinking about it, I'd topped out my classmates throughout undergrads, often setting the curve in the most rigorous courses and developing rapport with reputably "difficult" professors. Right after graduating with honors and leadership distinctions, I finished a master's in a year and went on to a fellowship at a world-renown institution. I wasn't the kind of person who was "okay" with sitting back and letting things "just happen." I needed progress. I needed to achieve things. I needed to know that I was making an impact. At some point though, I got really burned out. I started hating my career a lot. Nothing could make me happy. I thought of the friends I'd made who trusted me enough to lend me their spare apartment keys and who always wanted me to be an active part of their lives. I thought of the multiple people who stepped up to be my mentors. I thought of my benefactors who "paid it forward," helping me to get through school and tests financially. I thought of my supportive family who sentimentally wanted to be kept within the crevices of my thoughts as I blazed a trail forward. But I was deeply unsatisfied with myself and my life. I hated it to be honest. I had this deep desire to get away from it all. I remember sobbing into towels to muffle out my misery. I wanted to give it all up. I also think the most concerning part of "reality" is how I never seemed to get along with my employers in the real world. It was as if we spoke different languages. I'd explain things, and sometimes they'd stare on in confusion as if what i'd said would skip right past them. What's more, perhaps the most frustrating thing were the bridges I burned when it all went to hell and my employers were left pissed. We both felt tricked. They thought I was capable and brilliant. They also thought I was not at all interested. I always felt that they were too inexperienced to know what they really wanted; too inexperienced to lead someone as lost yet willing as I was--I always felt that my willingness was what made it feel so tragic for me. Afterwards I was left with this imprint that I didn't quite fit into this world. I felt like this world wasn't one I'd imagined. I also thought my ideas were better than reality, and it sucked that it seemed to skip past everyone. It's a weird feeling knowing you're "different" and that people can come together with the best intentions and things still don't work out. It's probably one of my biggest fears with regards to work. Anyway. Enough of that spiel of anxiety and negativity. Today was very productive. Once again, I'm able to follow my routines. My routines are very important-- I liken it to stitching a quilt together--It requires time, time to put the pieces together and endure the tenuous process of making stitch after stitch. In the end, the quality is only as good as the quantity. As for the aforementioned problem, it IS in my future plans to take an interpersonal communications class. I sometimes feel like I don't fit in this world...

Late night insomnia. Part of it is racing thoughts. And then, part of it is just pain during the recovery process. "Today" (in parenthesis because I managed to get into bed at 7 and fell asleep around 8 only to wake up in the "middle of the night" so it feels like "midnight" but it's really still just today. lol. early sleeping problems i guess) I started my "ritualization." I realized that ritualizing routines, for me, is really about cultivating gratitude. When I take a moment to be grateful about the world around me, I feel a calm wash over me. Time slows down; it's like I'm no longer bombarded with a million things at once with my energy becoming scattered and distracted. Instead, I'm suddenly more mindful. I notice tons of details. I am more exacting as well. Like while I was in the kitchen, I folded several stray wash cloths with a neat precision. I straightened a painting I didn't even realize until today was askew. I was gentler with the dishware when washing and scrubbed down several kitchen equipment when I noticed specks of stains and dust I hadn't bothered to see before. I guess I'd say I'm overall more "conscientious." The thing I really like about "ritualization" is taking the time to pause and "smell the flowers," essentially. Taking the time to care about things that matter because I suppose I've always tended to care a great deal, and I'm starting to think that's me at my best. Today I took a moment to listen to some jazz music while sipping coffee and staring out the window. I liked watching the steam rise from my coffee cup. This, too, is part of my "ritualization." Usually I'm having coffee while having breakfast while catching up with the news while watching a movie while studying for an exam. Ultimately I do feel as though "savoring the moment" is giving my life more "meaning," and that's making me happier. Basically, it's all mindfulness. Since I was able to follow my routine smoothly to the end [of the day], I'll keep going with it. My personal happiness is important to me, because when I'm at my best, I know I can give my best. And I feel like that's all the world wants out of me.

Thank you!

Since now I know I don't get anxious about things, I should start making schedules and sticking to them "religiously." I don't get nervous, so I don't feel the need to study for exams, for example. I don't get nervous so I don't take the time to adequately prepare for a huge presentation. I don't get nervous, so I don't look like I care about things. I can look like I care about things through the quality of my work. I can improve the quality of my work by putting more time into the details. I can put more time into details by setting aside allotted times for it and sticking to said schedules. At least, this is how I'm thinking to best go about it. It's hard to stick to "routines." But since watching Marie Kondo get clean and tidy about things, I've realized that a strategy that might work for me is "ritualization." Like, basically, make it a "religion." Err, so I guess, "being healthy" is my religion ? Deep down I keep feeling like "I need to turn my life around" or "It's the perfect time to turn my life around." The more I think it, the more I feel like I can do it, and I guess I'm glad for that motivation.

For whatever reason, I find exercise so beneficial to my well-being. It gives me the fortitude and strength to face my days and to handle any setbacks. And for whatever reason, people can tell when I've had a day where I worked out vs. not. Maybe working out just makes me happier.

Post operation I ended up sleeping most of the day. I think the anesthesia quelled my anxiety, because my sleep was very good. Now I'm just healing up. Today I'm in a moderate amount of pain. Part of me wonders if my anxiety is all in my head. I remember sitting in the chair before the procedure and feeling nervous and thinking I was going to freak out. However, when they took my blood pressure reading, my resting HBR was very low (under 80bpm). My HBR remained low even after socializing with the surgeon and his assistant. I often figured I had social anxiety, but there's like literally no biological data to back that up. I "feel" it but is it real? I first addressed anxiety issues with my first real world job. I cried a lot and was very upset about things, and when I confided into a mentor, she said I should probably see a therapist. From her perspective I really didn't have anything to cry about. That was when I realized that anxiety can be caused by frame-of-mind-How you handle things. When I think about it I wasn't shy before 6 years old. I became shy after moving to a completely new state at 6 years old. I remember my heart jumping into my throat when it came time to give presentations. My face would turn red and my voice would shake. Nowadays though, it looks like there's no actual increase in HBR at all actually. Maybe I'm telling myself stories that are no longer relevant? Maybe my brain is recognizing old scenarios and replaying old thoughts, but they're no longer based on reality? It's so weird. Maybe if I were to start telling myself "I'm actually not anxious, afraid, or even nervous at all," things will begin looking very different?

I'm feeling a bit anxious for a few reasons. First, because tomorrow is my last appointment this week, and it's where I'll undergo a procedure and will have to be sedated. I'm worried about how knocked out I'll be due to my sensitivity to chemicals. I've plotted the day in my head-What time to get ready, what to wear, when to leave, where we might park, how we can find the facility... Second, I am still anxious about the future. I know the future is uncertain and all we have is today. However, when I think about my family and myself, the destitute life I'm living and how much I need to succeed, I feel a lot of pressure. I feel like time is so short. This anxiety keeps me up at nights. It sends my sprawling into consciousness at 1AM in the mornings when the sun isn't yet risen. Third, I have a couple big, major exams coming up. Lately I've been driving the car to a lot of appointments, and even though I feel nervous and like my life is on the line every time, it gets easier-With practice. I find driving so freeing to be honest...Like I can go anywhere. It's nice not having to live my life on someone else's time simply because I'm waiting for a ride. Still, I really need to reread my driver's manual...I've already gone over it twice, but I still keep feeling like I'm forgetting things (since it's long intervals of not driving after refreshing), and I get nervous. Nervousness->cortisol->working memory gets screwy->forgetfulness Well it's bedtime now. I'll have to brush my teeth and follow this beauty routine I made for myself. /sigh I think the anxiety is why I keep falling asleep while meditating. It's like mediation relaxes my body, and then the next thing I know, I'm awake and a couple hours are gone...

My litter is gone and I am feeling a sense of "absence." For whatever reason, it makes me feel a little... lonely, I guess. Like there's an emptiness in my life. I don't like changes, mostly. Ever since my life turned upside down as I transitioned from childhood into teenager, I've never seen transitions quite the same again. I've never regarded them as positively since. In fact, transitions thereafter seemed to trigger that particular impactful experience. It makes sense, considering it's when my trauma took place. I'm torn about this decision I made. Still, I know I made the right choice. *** My first night without the litter I was raising was good. My sleep quality and time and efficiency improved. That and the fact that I cut out caffeinated beverages has improved my sleep quality a lot. The next step is to get it to stabilize to starting at 8PM. I'm no longer feeling as anxious as the week passes. I suppose with one responsibility down after another, my life is getting "simpler." I guess a "cluttered life," even in the form of "too many responsibilities" so I guess getting "stretched out thin" can really screw with one's anxiety or sense of security ? The next step is to clean and reorganize my room. In the meantime, I have family to spend time with and a huge exam coming up to prep for...

It's a busy morning and I feel nervous. Last night I was up late watching Star Trek. It always seems that TV addiction ruins my sleep more than anything else. I should probably turn off all electronics at 730 and pack them away into designated spaces. It'd probably be better for my electronics as well as I'd go through each one and actually turn them off rather than fall asleep with them still on... I will start this today, because now I'll actually have room for designated spaces. Today I will be parting with my litter of animals that I've been raising for the past few months. I feel overall nervous, but this is a huge step towards improving my sleep, my relations with my family, and I'll no longer have to sleep with my window open... You know, I really think sleeping with a window open affects my sleep quality. It seems like I'm "light sleeping" because I'm just so "aware" of everything around me, like my body can tell the minute changes and disturbances. Last night there were a lot of noises that woke me up outside my window, including creepy animal calls--fox calls and owls hooting--and the passing of a nearby train kept waking me up. I also wake up a lot from temperature changes. When I looked at my sleep tracker stats today, I have 8 red spikes that indicated I woke up in the middle of the night. I've been feeling more anxious lately what with my period and everything else makes it worse. The sound of passing cars outside my window makes me anxious; it just sounds SO LOUD to me. It makes me anxious that I'll have to get behind a wheel today. I always get anxiety while driving. I find it so bad that I try and put off driving as much as possible. It makes me feel worse that the sky looks like it's going to douse rain on us any time soon... Anyway, I could probably do with some quiet meditation. There's lots to do today and the day is just getting started.... *** Forgot to mention that I talked with some people yesterday, and they thought I was having sleep issues due to anxiety. I think they are right. I think deep down I feel anxious about the future because I feel like I have so much at stake or so much on the line. It makes me anxious.

Today I managed 7hrs 45min of sleep. Bedtime started around my target sleep time: 8PM. There were a lot of sleep disruptions and sleep quality was poor. I know this will improve with a consistent sleep schedule. I no longer drink caffeinated beverages, and I think doing so has been beneficial for me. It's likely I simply have an increased sensitivity to chemicals tbh. I do think that, nowadays, it doesn't take much for me to break out in hives due to stress (stress = cortisol = body chemical) and I am noticeably more irritable and need to be wary of psychoses during menstruation (decreased estrogen = affecting neurotransmitter dopamine ? = psychoses and increased irritability). I've been trying to balance hormones with flax seeds as a regular part of my diet. I still take my regular daily vitamins (including vitamin D), milk, yoghurt, etc. Thinking about it, in astrology I have Scorpio Sun in 6th house. If I recall correctly, these natives can have health issues/ailments that require "rigorous" health maintenance. I do recall an astrologer sharing that something about my aspects meant I'd eventually be forced into a position where I'd have to take necessary actions to take good care of my health, and thus the natural bend towards studying sickness/health ailments in my life. My litter of pets are still with me. Tomorrow is when they finally go to their new homes. I've been quite concerned about one of them, because it looks like he might have caught an infection. I will have to keep an eye out in case he needs antibiotics (so sad). I am really sad to be parting with these babies. I watched over them from when they were pink and hairless. It is sad to see them go, but wherever they go will be better than here. This Friday I'll be sedated for a procedure, and I'm hoping it'll be the last and only one. After this and some healing, and one more followup appointment, I should be good to start working again !!! The other thing I am working on is schooling-As soon as the scholarship application becomes available, I'll be attending classes for the first time in awhile in the fall~~ It's a lot of work, but I tell myself it's temporary. So far it's all just baby steps in the grand vision of things to be. oh yeah, and I did manage to lose a couple pounds since keep track of calorie intake. I don't go over 1300calories/day. I keep track with my fitbit app. I also managed 20minutes of meditation today (my target actually), and last week's stats indicated that I ran 10miles more than the week prior.