breathe582

I'm a 19-year-old female currently living in a state of depression, lack of motivation, addiction to nicotine, and a reliance on a toxic person I recently removed from my life. I recently broke up with my "toxic" boyfriend (23) of 1 year 1/2 about 3 weeks ago. It was a decision I was working up towards for months. I had given most of my time to him, even though it was usually verbally abusive and spirit-crushing. Everyone told me I could do better - I had lost sight of my spirit for life in this relationship, and found it was best to leave and live on my own in the college dorms. However, this has seemed to cause more problems than I thought. Even though everyone told me to block his number, I couldn't stand to - I still cared for him and he was very traumatized by my leaving. So, I continued to talk to him secretly to make sure everything was alright. He said he realized what he needs to change in order to win me back, and the first time I hung out with him post-breakup he showed appreciation and adoration of me. I thought I was holding my own and that I'd be doing better in no time, but I eventually caved and started hanging out with him every day. Eventually, this led to getting physical with him and now we're regularly kissing, hugging, and having sex. The only reason I let it get to this point is because I'm scared this may be the best option for me. When I'm at my dorm, I sink into a pit of depressive nuance. I don't do my homework, I don't go to class, I don't sleep, I overeat, and I hardly even leave my room because I'm far too scared to face my sweet roommates. At least with him, I feel a bit more relaxed, I can go to classes, get some homework done, get a great night's sleep, and venture outside from time to time. The thing is, I met him about 2 weeks into my freshman year. He introduced me to professors, friends, and places that soon became my places too. But when I'm alone in my dorm, all I can think about is leaving him will result in me having no friends, connections, or places to go in the city. It feels I am utterly alone, and I'm scared I'd be way worse off without him. I've made myself almost completely dependent on him. I swore to myself to quit my nicotine addiction (something that rouse due to his frequent nicotine/drug/alcohol use) right when I broke up with him. But about the 2nd day in my dorm, I felt so anxious being in class that I skipped it all day, went to a smoke shop, and starting using again. Now, I'm in his room waiting for him to come home. I said I'd be doing homework but I haven't done one assignment. He doesn't know that I've been lying around, eating junk food, masturbating, and neurotically dying my hair all week. I just keep getting this sinking feeling of guilt - I know all the things I'm supposed to be doing and expected myself to be doing at this moment (personal development/reflection, meditation, yoga, healthy eating, regular studying, general bettering of oneself, etc.) but I can't seem to get myself to do any of it. I just want to hide. I don't want to visit my family, I don't want him to come home...I feel I'm using him so I can more comfortably cocoon in what used to be my home. I don't know where to start, or what the conscious decision I need to make here. I felt leaving him to work on my self-actualization was a mistake when I found alone, I had no motivation to do any of it. But with him, I have no time. I'm more ranting here but if there's any advice on what I can do to clear my mind and live more consciously, please let me know. Thanks so much, I hope you're all having a lovely day.

I (19) recently broke up with my boyfriend (23) due to some emotional manipulation and trust issues. I moved out and am currently living in the dorms while paying for 1/2 the rent so he can continue to afford the room we shared. A couple months later, and now, we are dating again due to some major changes he's made in an effort to "win me back". Now, he's being very emotionally open, encouraging honesty and no tension, and is very physically affectionate where he once wasn't. However...my family has never really approved of him. They encouraged me to move out/break up with him when they heard some stories about what was going on. I have only told my mom that I started seeing him again. I believe most of this is stemmed for the worry of me living 3 hours away and them seeing me as easily emotionally manipulated and sensitive. I believe he is a huge distraction to me for some isolation and emotional problems that I sought immediate relief of my first week or so of college (this is when we met). The thought of returning to college next semester genuinely terrifies me, as I've been relying on him to be my source of finding friends and having company. If I come back without him, I fear I'll be too scared and emotionally weak to handle being on my own without any company. However, I fear being in this relationship is stunting my growth towards my purpose and self-actualization. So now, he's given me a week to make a choice - I can move in with him and his friend next month and live with him throughout the remainder of my college career, resulting in the disapproval and drama from my family. Or, I can break-up with him (he says if I don't move in we can't date anymore due to his inability to afford the town we live in without me), and go home to the summer to spend time with my family, who have low-consciousness tendencies and tend to enhance my socially-isolated habits. I have until the end of the week to decide this. I feel I am basically choosing between my boyfriend of 1 year 1/2 and my family. Both have admitted they haven't treated me very well, so I'm not sure what my best options are from here. Any thoughts on this would be great...I've been riddled with fear and conflicting thoughts for months on this issue.

I'm a 19-year-old female who takes daily hormonal birth control pills, but I've had conflicting thoughts about how it may impair my progress on my self-actualized journey. I've done a lot of research on hormonal birth control, and I've read studies that suggest it alters the structure of the brain, pheromones, and emotions. I've experienced some mood swings while on birth control, and I find it difficult to source whether my emotional problems are coming from deep, internal issues or the birth control itself. I'm just wondering what everyone's different take on hormonal birth control was from an enlightened standpoint. I know the stance that often is discussed on this forum and Leo's channel to have an unaltered experience of reality (meaning no medication that alters emotions, not being dependent on anything, etc.). Should I rely on non-hormonal forms of birth control (condoms), or could I still achieve self-actualization while on birth control? My worst fear is eventually going off birth control, and learning that all of my progress has been falsified in some way. Any opinions are welcome, thank you!