This is my first time writing to anyone so please just one openminded person can read this without thinking about my English try understanding what feedback you guys can give me. Thanks for your time. So where Should i start
Since i moved to Sweden with my older brother and my mom from war and terror from the Jugoslavien war. I was about 4 years old when We came here and now im 23. I want to cut to the main Subject put then you guys would't have the correct information to give me feedback so hang on. It would mean a lot to me.
We didnt only run from the war but also from my father. This man i never have meet and always hateful from all the stories ive been told. He was always drunk, gambeling, cheating and worse of all extremily aggressiv towards my mom and my older brother, i was not even born when i heard that he was so angry and my brother that was only 5 when i kicked him repititly over and over again like my brother was a full grown man. This had its mark still today and constant reminder of the devil left his mark on my brother.
In Jugoslavia the war between bosnia and serbia where cousins where shooting eachother also left its mark to. I would t never ser my self as weak or a victim put the circumstances are to much to handle.
I am born in serbia my my native languague is romani also known as gypsys. Yes the one you can dress as a halloween costume and the people who steal and is always lying.
My Mother meet my stepfather when they where in Berlin and he was also in search for a better life. So they moved to a smal city in Sweden where people from same country that had war aginst eachother live and are neighbors.
The thing is that all around us there are people who really hate us. I dint care but my brother did. It grow a big anger in him that still today exist.
When you think the worse part is has been said, its not. My Stepfather is Bosnian. And you think ah thats good? Right? Kind of romantic to hear even in so so much hate, there is love . Yes but not from in my lifestory.
Its not that his the problem because of is nationality and well not everything is wrong with him and the opposite, but atleast he dont drink, och or is utterly aggressive.
Growing up me and my brother where lost. I was always very playfull and like to have a good time no matte with who, i was i happy kid but not grounded. My brother felt that he needed to protect me and himself because the school that we went where the majority of the kids in school is 80%{bosnian, albanian, gypsy and arabish) the other is other country and only a few swedish people because the swedish people didnt want there kids next to a sober and school full of immigrants.
The thing is parents have so strong hold on their children especially of what they are told to believie.
Everyone hated us and its wasnt talked behind our back put infront of us. I was to embarrest to say im rom from serbia so i always said im bosnian.
Growing up like this was hard for a kid to grasp, to much to handle. The most fucked up part is that my Mother didnt speak to us in romani so atleast We could be with people that We know. So the you can imagine how difficult it was.
My brother got beaten and I by guys bigger them him calling him racist things and because of their parents talking about my mom and my stepfather the "taboo" of being with an ortodox rom serbish woman with two kid from another man was a big deal.
It was i nightmare.. And he handle it with anger. He starter beating every kid that made fun of us. Even if the age difrence between my brother that was maybe 13 was beating kids that was 17 because he is so strong.
He started to train hard and became more and more aggressive. Soon he was hanging out with people who are much older then him and where orten in some criminal activity.
Im not saying he is always aggressive he always had a big heart but sometimes too big to handle. So much grief so much pain, stress confussion, lost of idwntity and so on.
The thing was that stepfather never played a role of being a father to us and from that my brother noticed and put big boundories between them telling him that even if you are with my mom i will never in my life accept you. For me it was driffrent. I always saw him as a lazy father but when i was like 7 - 9 years he told me to not call him father. Instead his name. It was a terrible feeling..
In class our the Subject of hate where gypsys, serbia people and for me the one that Hurt me the most wasnt that.
It was when people would start talking about how their father. My father is best and what a kid would say so Nice things about their parents but i could never relate and The only picture of my father is a drunk abusive idiot who best the shit out of my mom and my brother everytime they wheir in their ways even when she was pregnant and was having me he kicked her in the stomach. He beat her so bad the neighbors would Come and trying to stop it but this was in serbia and people where very old school and The Police dindt really give a shit about gypsys because Hey! Serbian people hate us to.
What im trying to say is that all this concicences made brother to a man with very strong emotions, very manipulative, stealing, , very aggressive when he dont have controls ovee others, like a paraiste he clinge to me for i am the only person who always trying to help him but at the same time trying to run away from everything because i am a alien compared to everyone i know.
For him losing me is a constant reminder that he dont have anyone and even if he has a kid now and living with a girl that he really drain her energy of all the problems he always make.
It can be like something u said put even if you dindt meant it like that he takes very Very Very personal and he is saving all those bad memoriws and talk about them all the time if not that he is taking pills and can act really depressive.
I dont know how to say this but what can i do. I really really need help. I can cut him out of my life because i dont have any friends. All my friends are living in other places srätudying and im sittning here still confused of what i want to be and how to fucking live a normal life even if you are not talking to anyone besites my mom and my sstep brother and sister that are to be with. I only have him and he only has me. We are like defenitin of ying and yang but in this storie its diffrent its to much hell, criminal activity, paranoia, hate, confussion and not enough of postitivity, love respect and strong since of self.
I Thank everyone who would read this, i am a big fan of Leo and he helped me out with many of the things i needed to deal with difficulties. And I was thinking that i really need someone to write to to reach to. Thank you all for your time.
//DN
