StillSearching

Hello, I'm new here and I'm searching everywhere for good advice. I'm been divorced 1 year. I have a new GF who is very neurotic. Everyday she thinks I'm going to leave her for someone better. I want to have a long future with her, but I'm afraid she will this never get better. Any advice on what I can do to make this work out for the long term would be helpful. Thanks.

You can only find out what you actually believe (rather than what you think you believe) by watching how you act. You simply don’t know what you believe, before that. We are too complex to understand ourselves.

Yes and I don't like being alone. I see the value of a relationship for me. If it's not her it will be another. I have no desire to be alone for the sake of saying I'm alone for a period. I've been alone. I'm 54 and I like companionship.

Maybe it really is you that could use the understanding, how can you be so sure it's me? Maybe if you looked deep enough you'd see.

LOL ....Good luck with that. I was pointing out that you cherry picked my reply to fit unconditional love.

I challenge you to love your lover who has sex with your sibling. Or worse even.

Really? That's impossible. No one loves anyone unconditionally, that's not their child. Unless maybe they are a deity? Let's say she has sex with my brother? or worse.

Ahhh I get that. Ok. So it's best to have 2 distinct relationships. Go with mine the way I feel is best for me and let the cards fall where they may, so to speak. The "deluded perspective of materialism." is hard to shake sometimes. In marriage don't you become one, though?

I do except her the way she is, I'm worried about the long term complications of neurosis to our relationship.

So if I read your posts correctly you say I should leave her, go it alone for 1-3 years hoping I don't die in that time to think things over, then find someone else? Is that right? I have been working on mediation, self reflection for a year and individual counseling for 2 years. Reading and studying psychology for 4 years. Nietzsche, Jung, Freud.... for myself. I guess the next step would be Ayahuasca.

I'm very emotionally prepared for things, and laborious doesn't scare me off. But if you have experience with a neurotic partner and feel it's not worth my time, that's what I want to hear about.

I can't answer that for her. But yes, I have ideas about what I want in a relationship and one of them is someone who trusts me. So yes it's her responsibility to trust me. I cannot do that for her.

As far as serious plans, it's her asserting "I won't ever bring it up again" Then she will not talk about it for a day or two. Then it's "You are going to leave me for a skinny girl." ....etc. Like in my earlier post. I can't make her go to therapy.

A meaningful marriage. And a relationship where she's not feeling apprehensive about my commitment.

Well, I think it has potential. I do communicate my needs often with her. Yes we are both older adults and have serious conversations about my needs. I have meaning in my life now and she seems to have a hard time finding meaning in hers. So my happiness does not fall under her behavior, but looking into the future I see issues arising from her neurosis. I was thinking this place was a good place to get ideas on how I could help her direct herself. I mean, I can be as serious as a heart attack when we are talking, but that won't help her feel any better about me leaving her.

Sure, lets dig deep. I been there. I know I cannot fix her, the phrase "work this out correctly" was about the relationship.

It's not causing me any pain. Yes a battle plan. Not sure you can talk someone through neuroticism? I do care for her.

I've suffered plenty. I'm not interested in spending the rest of my life alone. I have wisdom. Just not enough knowledge about neurosis to work this out correctly. Yes I know my ex wife had a small different size of neuroticism. But I'm concerned about my new GF.

She says she's very shy. Yes she says she's an introvert and I'm very outgoing. I brought it up once and she said "So you're diagnosing me now" I left it alone after that. She's very sweet. She's says I'm the man of her dreams and she never dated a guy like me before. It worries me. I do love her. I'd like to have her around forever, but not like this.....:(

Ok i get that now. I'm ready for anything. I've been to hell and back. I have plenty of confidence and self love. I spent 2 years in IC working on me. I don't want type A woman like my ex who was outgoing and so desperate for a mans attention she'd sleep with one arbitrarily. I like that my GF is neurotic enough that she does not seek a mans attention. It's just a little overboard.

I understand that suffering is the human condition and how we are awakened. She does not desire me to leave her? I would not say angst and desire is the same thing. Guys have left her in the past because she's "Too nice" and she's very sexually naive.

I tell her every 5 mins how much I love her. I tell her how beautiful she is. But she keeps telling me I going to leave her for a skinny girl. She says I'm "out of her league." I'm running out of ideas. We have been going out 8 months and it's actually getting worse, from what I can tell. Unless she hid it in the beginning of our relationship. We live in separate houses and every time I leave her house to go home she's texting me "Are you seeing someone else?" "This is why I don't date newly divorced men they want to play the field" "I saw you look at those other women" "You don't ever text me back"....It's starting to wear me out. I am completely honest with her. I talk to her about my morals and virtue. But my rope is running short.....

Well I was married for 25 years to a serial cheater. I really wanted to date a woman that was more reserved and less likely to wander. I really like her a lot. I guess what I need from her is honesty and openness. After 2 years of IC I'm much more secure in my life, and want a long term relationship. She has no kids. Never had any.