fryingLotus

You're right, it's not inhumane but I feel that there is a somewhat perverse approach to non-duality that is a misinterpretation (at least through the eyes of beings that are living in duality and are prone to suffering). I feel resonant with this because I used to be somewhat brainwashed into this way of thinking... and it just results in egoic cycles (egoic in this sense as a sense of self importance or knowing, rather than a softer, open and compassionate world view). What wisdom is it to bypass acknowledgement of suffering because we are all part of the same source? It makes sense, sure, but we are all in this game together, all at different levels, and the way some of these non-dual approaches come across seem to take the vibe of 'just snap out of it'. Just to add to what you've said... myself I can experience very painful emotions very blissfully, if I so choose to. It is occasionally offensive and horrifying to my ego but it is possible, and the deeper or more intense the pain, the more bliss and pleasure arises from the experience. This being said... I do not wish to continue on in a regular state of pain just because this is the almighty plan. I believe there is an end to this pain once the experience has been had in totality. If this is bullshit please let me know so I can end it sooner (lol). But yeah... on the 'lowering our consciousness to hurt each other'. Sure... this is what I'm talking about and is something that seems to be missed by some (ie that war is just love because we are all one source etc). It's a view, but not one that seems to be of service to all. Whilst it is technically true, I don't believe that it is a true representation of a consciously evolved society, which sounds like what you're saying anyway. Overall I am just trying to touch on this potentially distorted view of non-duality that some seem to have. This view differs greatly from say that of Saiva Tantra (which is a beautifully rich philosophy).

You can't really argue when the view is 'this is just your view' which is valid but is not useful on all levels of thinking. We are not all operating from a place of non-duality (except we are right?). You cannot tell a child that his suffering is just because 'this is god's plan'. Whilst I agree with that statement (and you can in fact say it) it would likely traumatize the child. The child needs love at this moment, or they will be revisiting this in the future, possibly after years of automatic, shadowy, repressed torment, maybe drug addictions, negative thoughts patterns etc. Sure, there is a cosmic game at play and it is all part of the same thing, but rape (and anything else which causes suffering - albeit suffering is a perspective from the subject involved) can have serious psychological effects. There is no goal right? But at the same time, there are many goals. We are all working towards something constantly, whilst also working towards nothing. We have to acknowledge that some behaviours are justified for growth, and others not. I would never wish rape on someone for their growth, or for them to experience as part of the great cosmic comedy. That is just twisted and would likely have psychological backfires (or karmic repercussions) for myself. How can I expel thoughts and feelings of suffering towards someone and not feel inner conflict and hate in myself? My point is... Self-actualization/individuation/enlightenment is a process. There are many layers to this process. What stands in the way of someone reaching themselves and truly, fully loving themselves? Mental concepts, traumas, neurosis, limiting beliefs etc. I guess we can't really say that anything is right or wrong, however, if I am to have children and there is some unconscious shadow desire in me which is unresolved, then this will likely (or definitely) be passed onto my children. I do not want this. So I will do everything in my power now to relieve these things, let go, heal etc so that it is not something that will occur, or is much less likely to. I feel to explain and write anyway... When talking of any issue we must consider the different options and perspectives. What comes from the heart, left and right brain. A very non-dual sciency approach does not feel humane to me. We still live here on this planet, grounded, in duality (no matter how deep or far our awareness stretches. We are here). Compassion and love are key or we could all just run around killing and raping each other because it is part of the grand plan/game (which is what we're doing anyway right?). Maybe somewhere there is a world where we are all fully aware of our own divinity and this is the case, however, here on planet earth... us humans do what we can to avoid suffering and help those who are suffering. Of course I am only of a certain level of awareness and intelligence and am just expressing my tiny, minute perspective... but it has been fun to write this out.

Hola gente. I have returned to Leo's video on relationships as I am almost 1 year into a relationship where I've only seen the girl for 20 days due to living in different countries and some virus that is apparently lurking around the globe causing havoc. I remember taking notes on this video back in November, speaking to my partner and telling her how serious I am to create an amazing relationship with her. We have both since been in the process of individuation and healing from traumas over the past year. It has been... I can't explain. I feel as though I have been in multiple psychosis-esque states. The doctor I was working with said my Kundalini arose and whilst I do not have an adequate perspective to say whether this did or what did not happen, from reading online (especially at kundalini crisis) I would have to agree. Everything repressed in my life rose to the surface. I had intrusive thoughts, visions, seeing entities (at night & during meditation), slipping into non-dual states of insight, blissful waves pulsing through my body, being able to move energy around my body etc. I could go on and on... really it has been extremely turbulent, stressful, confusing, perverse but also blissful and beautiful. Anyway... Through this process, we have certainly developed attachments to one another, in having each other as the source of love we anchor onto in the world. There were times when this wasn't the case. Things were so bad for me I could not talk to anyone and had no option but to look inwards. This took me to some interesting places - actually it made me suicidal many times, but it was going through these dark sludgey tunnels that a tiny glimpse of hope begun to arise into something stronger. I mean right now I feel very negative and neurotic but that's another story... Right now we are working together in relinquishing attachments, negative thoughts patterns and traumas in ourselves and in our interactions. I am coming to realize that I am quite obsessed with the idea of our relationship. It feels unhealthy some of the time, but there are these moments where all of the crap just subsides, my heart feels golden, still and powerful. We look into each other's eyes and everything seems to disappear. This happens randomly and for me this is enough of a sign for me to work on both myself and this relationship so that we can finally be free (of our crap), be with ourselves and together. I have never wanted to get married or have children before but through meeting this girl the compulsion arose as a natural way for us to express our love. It really is an amazing force and I feel we can do anything together (we've been through a lot of crazy shit together already, even being so far apart. When 'the bad things' happen there is a voice in my mind, some inner laughter, that this pain is nothing in comparison to the love. Even that part of me wants to experience the pain as some form of test or perspective of how strong this love is and to show her that I am with her no matter what. Just to explain - this is not her hurting me directly - this is the result of traumas, old patterns etc). With this being said. Can anyone please recommend any books or sources for cultivating and maintaining a healthy long term relationship? One of the largest recurring realizations this year has been that I know nothing... of myself, of the world and of others, relationships etc. Everything is filtered through negative thoughts and views. I want to be a pro! I want to understand what is going on. But yes, these thought patterns and mental constructs have been extremely turbulent to 'break'. I have been regularly entering states of strong energetic build up to the point where sometimes it feels as though I will go insane or die (and yes, every time it happens I have the thought... 'is this the time I actually go insane?' Really this can be likened to effects on psychedelics... but you kind of become used to it). It feels as though my brain will split in 2. Usually, I will use a form of meditation to help encourage it out carefully through bringing the breath up the spine, naturally building a pressure in the head and then eventually an emotional release. Don't worry guys... I am working with a psychiatrist here too! Sorry to blab as it was a simple question of asking for books but as with these crazy experiences, it is not something normal you can share with those around you.

Attachment is some etchings post huachuma. Careful what your intentions are because they may just come true ha ha! I feel like this is the most my brain can handle at the moment. I can feel there's infinite to be known. Just bit by bit for this lil ego.

Wouldn't enlightenment essentially mean you have experienced non-duality? Therefore karma no longer matters as it's all part of the same thing.

This is an account of my second Huachuma/San Pedro ceremony in Pisac (I realised now there is a part where I mentioned about describing something in the first ceremony which I'm yet to finish the report on but it's not too important). Friday night about 7pm I messaged the shaman to see if I could partake in another ceremony on Monday (he mentioned they usually run Monday, Wednesday and Friday). Shortly after I received a callback from him where he mentioned that there were only 2 people on for tomorrow (Saturday) and if I wanted to come along to this one instead (he speaks a bit of English and I speak a bit of Spanish so it kind of works out). I took this as an invitation from San Pedro and got to bed at a reasonable hour, setting my alarm at 6am as we meet at 730am in town (actually this is my normal routine for sleep anyway). I packed my bag (this time more prepared) taking a pure piri-piri fragrance (shipibo plant not the chilli pepper), some rapé, palma dulce (a herb that grows in high altitudes that smells real good, especially when burned like incense), suncream (so essential for a pasty whitey like me), 2 hats (one beanie, one sun hat as it seems to be cold and hot at the same time with the wind) and I then purchased some mapachos off the shaman when we met. I got to town about half an hour early, picked up some fruit and bread for the offering to San Pedro/mid-ceremony feast and grabbed a chirimoya, mango and pineapple shake before briefly meeting the shaman who was whizzing down the tight alleys of Pisac on a push bike, telling me he needed to get our taxi ready. Once he came back I went into his shop for the preparatory tea. I saw no other participants in there and it was at this point he told me that the other 2 ate bad food and were sick so had to re-schedule, meaning that this was a one on one session. We then made our way to the taxi, got in and headed off. The shaman told me that we would be going to a different location with a lake. It took about 45 minutes to get there, passing small towns and farmlands along with hoards of llamas and sheep that kept blocking the road on the way and dogs chasing frantically after the car. Finally we arrived at what appeared to be a man made lake, or man-adapted lake. The shaman told me we would be walking up to another natural lake. We began the stroll up the mountain side, with the path varying from grass, big rocks, small rocks that made you slip, flat ground but mainly steep inclines. I definitely slipped about 12 times throughout the journey up and down. After walking for about 30 minutes we stopped at some small ruins which appeared to be the remains of a house or small building. The walls were now only about 4 foot tall and there was an opening I assume used to be a door. This is where we sat down to prepare for and drink Huachuma. As before the shaman took everything out of his bag for the consumption; big and small flute/recorder, pan pipes, drum, a cloth/small thin blanket that contained lots of small artifacts to create a shrine/altar, a bottle of water (this time it looked flavoured, it was yellow/orange ish), the worn looking vase/urn containing the san pedro powder covered by a cloth and elastic band and a cup to drink from. With my previous experience I found the drinking very difficult, however this time I put my attention on my stomach so not to focus on the taste which made things much easier. I just felt it all hitting my stomach. Sure I gagged on the second cup but it was an improvement regardless where I could barely make it through the first cup before. I find it weird to drink as it's not like Ayahuasca where that sicky feeling travels from your mouth and seems to stay with you for about 10 minutes after. As soon as you've finished drinking everything is fine, and again I didn't purge throughout the duration of the ceremony. So I'm babbling a bit here but trying to recall as much information as possible. We sat for a bit then packed our stuff up and headed up the mountain once more where we stopped a few times to rest and the shaman played more music. I find that hiking is essential as it takes a while for San Pedro to come on, it also seems to get you in touch with nature and clear your mind prior to the effects kicking in. I've found this with acid in the past as well, a good walk and then sitting down for the full force seems to work really well and also seems to remove a lot of the apprehension, 'is it working, can I feel it?' etc. Finally we came down to an area past some Inca ruins (I actually picked up a cool looking stone here that caught my eye to add to my own altar) and then out into the view of the lake which was just like something out of a dream. The lake was huge, surrounded by large mountains that stretched up high into the sky. There was a long grassy wet path that lead down to the lake. At one side up a hill sat a small stone house, and at the other end by the lake there were a herd of llamas bobbing their heads about. We made our way down further to a suitable spot where we unpacked our stuff and the shaman began putting out all of the sweets/candy for the offering (San Pedro likes it sweet). He said some prayers/gave intention/respect before we performed a small offering with coca leaves. He then packed the parcel up with all of the bits and pieces in and sealing it by folding tightly. I wrote about this in my other experience but essentially it was just stuff like biscuits, real basic bright colours sweets, sugar, incense, real random, kind of like athe sort of goodies you'd get in a piñata. Once this had been completed we put the cloth out and began adding our fruit/bread for the food offering. We then took a piece of fruit to offer personally. I'm still not 100% here but I think you're meant to take the fruit and place it on the ground somewhere to offer to pachamama/San Pedro. Well last time I just carried the fruit round with me and this time I used a chirimoya that had gotten squished in my bag so I ate half and shared the rest with pachamama/San Pedro by intently pressing the remainder into the ground so that the juiciest bit went straight into the dirt. The previous sweet offering was then burned in a fire constructed out of dried shit (literally). It didn't smell bad though and seemed to burn really well (I did think earlier why was the shaman picking up shit but I knew he'd have a good reason). After this I took my shipibo blanket and walked up the hill slightly just to be by myself and in a spot where I could clearly see the lake and mountains. I placed the blanket on the floor using 4 large rocks to weigh down each corner. I find the blanket is essential as it helps create a sacred space wherever you are, also it stops you getting spikey plants all over your arse. From here the experience really begun to take off. I didn't feel as deep a connection as previously; I was able to meditate and go deep however it seemed as though I was somewhat spacing out or losing touch with this reality. When opening my eyes it was an amazing feeling to see where I was. I didn't mention earlier but the intention I held throughout was 'who am I, what am I?' which really helped to propel the experience towards this direction. So even though I've babbled on about the build up, the actual trip is sort of difficult to describe - the whole thing felt like a dream. I remember drifting in an out, listening to the shaman play music nearby and then also setting points of focus on my body and meditating on them intently. This worked but it seemed as though as soon as the focus progressed my state, I lost focus and forgot that I was meditating. I realized after that this should kind of be a goal of meditation, to stop doing anything and just be. Sitting there for a while I decided to have a spray of the piri-piri (I gave the shaman some as well) - I just spray it in my face then breath in once it settles a bit. It really seems to bring on more visuals, especially with DMT. Powerful plant and not too well known. I then sat back down, meditated for a while longer, again having similar states before pulling out the rapé and kuripe. I sat again meditating and forgot I was holding it. Eventually around 20 minutes later I carefully poured some onto my hand so to avoid the wind, loaded the kuripe and blew up both nostrils. Okay so I thought the experience couldn't get any deeper but I was not ready for the power of rapé with San Pedro. Jesus Christ. Talk about being careful what you ask for as you might just get it. Remember my intention of who/what am I? Well concentration can be a crazy thing. San Pedo, meditation and rapé mixed together seemed to give me the ability to push through into much higher states, I felt as though there was no higher that a human could go (I know this isn't true but this is what it felt like - it pushed me right to the edge). It felt like the states I reached on bufo, even the visuals were very similar. I've never broken through on bufo but have reached blissful feelings. I had to lay down on my back, open as possible, focussing on my breath as it moved in and out of my mouth. My breath really did feel automatic, like I was just an observer, almost as if the breath had control. It was bizarre and I kept concentrating to see if the experience would go deeper - this felt on the verge of ego death, I could feel my self slipping away, reality was dispersing. This wasn't a stressful experience really, it felt completely natural but now that I think about it it really did feel as though I was dying. The shaman then came over at this point and performed a cleansing using some rosemary we picked up from the market earlier. This felt good and was perfect timing for the state I was in, it added to the blissful, zoned out state of just feeling beyond normal consciousness. I have not experienced ego death on psychedelics but I am pretty sure this was very close, just the way everything felt so similar to bufo and the state my mind and body went into. All this time I kept observing, trying to find the perceiver and question who or what I was. I find that a bit of announcing these in your head then focussing seems to push mental states into the desired direction. But again, be careful what you ask for or make sure you're ready for it! I don't want to say that concentration is a scary thing but it might show you the truth, or part of it, if you try hard enough. After the cleaning was done we started to make our way down to the lake, I was slightly relieved as this seemed to ease off the intense feelings, however I found for the remainder of the experience that as soon as I sat down again it all came back and kept pushing and pushing. Whenever the shaman played music next to me I felt the intensity rising, my breath automatically got heavier and it felt as though I was releasing or bringing a lot of stuff to the surface. I worked with this the best I could. I then released the rosemary into the river upon the shaman's instructions. This felt very ritualistic (as did the experience as a whole) and I felt as though I had been somewhat cleaned, with a lot of dirty energies collected on the rosemary. We sat there for a while longer before moving along again. With every few footsteps I would look at the floor, watching the shaman's feet energetic trails swishing around, turning around to look at the mountain (which was incredible, I couldn't believe what I was seeing) I saw that in all its beauty I could see colours that looked similar to those from 80s/90s computer graphics. The feeling of the universe being a hologram starting becoming clearer and clearer to me and as I focussed more I saw how it all moved around, no solidity, only perception of solidity in the normal state. This was the same when looking at the floor when static; stones and rocks I stared at moved around and bended/warped, which reminded me of the spoon in the matrix. My mind was just blown time after time and I tried to imagine what the world would look like if you could see through or into the hologram, to see what actually lied beneath. I'm not sure what point this happened at, but I remember seeing an inner light. I kind of moved my eyes around a bit and opened them slightly to check to see if I was just seeing the sun through my eye lids, but the sun was way up in the sky and the inner light seemed to come from down below. It didn't last long but for me was another progression in self inquiry. I focussed on it for as long as I could but it just ended up fading. This however did give me the feeling that happiness truly does lie within - the light will never go out, you just have to observe and tap into it, unlike external factors which are a) constantly changing and b) very likely to be all illusion (based on this experience and previous, also with comparing to other trips/meditative states that others have reached). So anyway, we continue walking along down the mountain, stopping periodically to just stare in awe at the moutains, lake, just everything. Again, this was all very dream like, this place is like a fairy tale. Eventually we reached the location where we had to wait for the taxi. We spoke to some of the weaving ladies who looked very hard working and worn down. I bought 2 bracelets and gave them the rest of my change, as well as some bread (the shaman gave them bread first so I followed his lead). I remember trying to get the change out of my wallet and I got so consumed in the task that I forgot what I was doing. I believe I was just fumbling around with the coins, slowly moving them out of my wallet and around my hand, struggling to count them. I'm not sure how much time passed but it felt like an eternity. I then looked up and saw the lady looking at me, she was probably thinking 'this gringos out of his fecking mind' - and that I was. It seems to be when returning to civilization/normal society that you realize how far gone you are. After buying the 2x bracelets, I just sat cross legged on the floor in front of the weaving ladies and watched as they talked amongst themselves, smiled at me, all made 'shoosshhing' noises as chickens kept coming over to peck at their goods, watched their children roll around on their products and saw the shaman talking amongst them. He was probably dying for a chat all day. I sat and thought how these people truly have nothing and work all day, every day. The children looked equally worn down, and already part of hard lives at such an early age. Regardless they all kept smiling and playing with what they had. Another cool sight was the moon on my right, with children playing underneath it on a hill, and the sun on my left, with the mountains in the distance. Crazy views. Taxi time - this part is always pretty interesting. Moving around in a vehicle still high as a kite, seeing amazing sights all around that are constantly changing, wild animals, herds, children playing, dogs chasing the car (again). I really could not stop watching and think again how this play is like a fairy tale, kind of like the shire in Lord of the Rings but somehow more magical. I then closed my eyes, begun focussing on my breathing and noticed the sensations returning heavily. I kept bringing up negative thoughts and trying to release them. I wondered if the shaman could feel what I was experiencing or even know the thoughts through their frequency. Either way I was astounded at how much more at peace and even more interesting it was to keep my eyes closed, even with all of the amazing sights to behold around me. The taxi then pulled up in Pisac town, I went to the shaman's shop, paid him and then left. Oh god was I high. This was not a gentle landing as it felt as though it may have been earlier. It just seemed to keep coming back and back, even getting stronger. I think the new environment also brought on new levels, so much more going on, new faces, animals, cars, just hectic (and Pisac is a quiet town). I had no money now and think I needed water, also I wanted food but really could not deal with going into the town plaza and into the jewelry shop to take money out. It may not even have been open. I began weirdly walking back to the hostel, trying to act normal - I did not feel of this planet and it was funny at times but my mind was just between the states of feeling the experience and wanting to get back, eat some bread and avocado and lay out on the grass, staring at the stars, smoking a mapacho. Eventually I made it back in one piece, went straight to the bathroom and saw there were some light red marks on my face (raw skin from sunburn) and some rapé remnants in and around my nose and on my upper lip. This in combination with a spaced out look and dinner plate pupils had me feel that anyone who saw me and gave me a peculiar look did so for good reason. I looked a state and that didn't settle me down too much. I cleaned up and went outside with a mapacho. I smoked it as intently I could, staring at the stars, looking for answers, feeling the experience and trusting the grandfather Huachuma, announcing this trust in my mind. This really seemed to help the experience. So from this point I can't remember too much, it was more so just the same as earlier - huge waves of energy coming over my body, all of my energy moving upwards as if attracted like a magnet and my eyes rolling upwards to accompany the feeling. It was a sort of uncomfortable bliss. I put this down to my body just not feeling balanced. It felt like there should be some energy in the lower regions (I actually felt some anxiety with people around this time so I'm assuming this is related). I tried meditating on my root chakra (well my stomach at the lowest point - I didn't really think in terms of chakras, I just think, stomach, heart, head etc) whilst breathing in deep and exhaling with a low tone as if it cause deep vibrations. I feel like this could have worked if I wasn't scared to do it loud enough to have an effect. Outside it was quiet and the hostel was very close, as were houses, so I didn't want people looking out the window and then seeing me stroll into the hostel after doing some weird troll cleansing. I then started to think that all of this was inside my head. If I just thought and imagined that I was balanced and that Huachuma was working on me, then everything would be okay. This did work but it was hard to keep focus, making me think it wasn't in my head (I don't think it was) or that my brain is just too strong with the conflicting thoughts to creation confusion. Who knows! To me it just felt like all of my energy had shot up and there was no way I could physically get any higher. Wow so almost done here. After the mapacho I came back in, had 2 bits of bread with avocado (struggle to make and struggle to eat) then I smoked 2 mapachos, continuing with breathing exercises. All of this time I was just thinking I need help here, I need to learn about what to do and what not to do. I feel as though my instinct went and I started getting confused with what I was doing. So for example, I was trying to bring energy down by dragging it through my breath into my stomach - I then thought, hang on, what if this is dragging energies that need to be out, into my stomach? You get the idea so this is why I kind of gave up and put my trust in Huachuma, however this only helped temporarily. I think I got into bed about 21:30, got up for tea at 00:30 as I couldn't sleep, then seemed to drift in and out of consciousness all night. So this was a long experience and to be honest it almost felt as though I was learning too much too quickly but either way I put my trust into Huachuma. My work now is trying to find some more knowledge on energies, or even if I should ignore that altogether and just trust. My brain seems to be conflicted - I've been learning loads over the past few months and I'm not really sure what path or ideology to follow. I guess it will come with time. Congratulations for making it through and if I think of anything else that comes to mind here I will add it on. P.s if anyone can offer me some advice, then please do. I've got mixed thoughts of whether my ego is just trying to protect me and I was on the verge of a breakthrough, that my energies shot up so high I couldn't bring them down, that I should ignore all that and trust in Huachuma etc etc. All seem to be valid in my mind but I can't quite put my finger on 1 for sure.

Hmmm thank you for the advice. I think my brain is still resisting and I need a more gentle approach for now. I will try again in the future though and just increase the dose to get there. By the way I've been smoking it for over 5 years and just played around. Sounds crazy but always had an issue with holding the smoke in, make me feel sick, hot flushes, heavy body load. Not good. Then I got a dab rig and things started to take off but I dunno. I guess I had an idea in my head that I need to breakthrough and it's only recently that I've realised I don't need to, that I need to listen to my body. Maybe this is just all conceptualized but I feel when you're in a certain mind state (ie anxiety/fearful) then breaking through can either make or break you. I always seem to just push the ego to what seems like the breaking point ie anxiety, confusion, mental breakdown states etc - basically where the ego has enough strength left to fight for dear life. I've been working with Huachuma recently and it's shown me so much, gradually and gently. I will see where I stand but at the moment (finally) I'm in no rush to breakthrough.

Yes and I've had similar glimpses but never fully broken through on dmt. Just amazing still I feel the connection to every person the more and more I do and the more reports I read.

Beautiful experience. It's just crazy that so many people are having these blissful trips. The connection is spreading and I know one day I'll taste it in full force also!

It's crazy they seem to have power, I'm not sure if you have to believe in them. Who knows, I'm just taking things as they come and learning what I can along the way. Selenite looks cool - I've seen it before but know nothing about it. I only picked up a moonstone as it looked cool - the blue and rugged cut drew me in. And yeah the trust was a huge part because the discomfort was strong and made concentration difficult but acting with curiosity and just observing helped tremendously.

Setting: (Peru) In the woods by a lake under a mountain. Solo 'ceremony' - lit some palo santo, sprayed some piri-piri fragrance (shipibo plant, not the chilli pepper). Dose: Eyeballed a lump?? Please note that this comes after 2 bufo experiences a few days before, neither were breakthroughs, one was nice, one was very difficult (both written on forum). Time: around 2pm So I halved the lump and then proceeded to put one half into the applicator before using it to blow hard up my right nostril. I then did the same with the remainder on the left nostril. The pain wasn't that bad (nowhere near how it's described online) and I feel it's all part of the experience, this discomfort grounds you and prepares you for the experience. I sat there being aware, waiting to see what would happen. The first signs were the trees and surroundings starting to get a bit more defined and wavey, and then I started to feel my skin getting hot, as if a rash was developing on my neck. This kept building and building until I realised I was feeling a really heavy bodyload. There were a lot of physical discomforts and I felt a pressure on my stomach which made me feel as though I would be sick (I never was). My body and brain were screaming for the discomforts to end - it was like when you're about to be sick and you're in that state of wanting the purge to come so you can relax. I endured this the best I could and it probably lasted around 30 minutes. Also, by 'the best I could' I mean I was half hating it thinking 'oh god why did I do this, fuck'. Whatever I looked at had a connection to the discomforts/sickness, they played off each other. It was almost unbearable at times but again I did my best to focus. I'm also glad I was reasonably secluded because even though I was sat up the whole time, I did let my head roll around and my body rock back and fourth when it felt it needed to so this would have looked weird to passers by. There was actually a guy sat nearby me but I don't think he could see me. So with all this happening I started to notice different things. With my eyes closed the visions were light but obvious; dark brown shapes that faded into the blackness were moving around crazily, so much that I decided to keep my eyes open. At some point I remember looking at the trees and bushes on the other side of the river, at this point I started hearing high frequency sounds that were repeating. Instantly I realised I was hearing the trees/bushes; they were saying something over and over again, in harmony. At times it sounded almost English but I think this was just my brain trying to decipher what they were saying. I then noticed more things were communicating with me - the water in the river, when it hit against the side of the bank it used this sound to say something (no idea what) but that was the only time I heard it - the trees were so goddamn loud. One thing here to add - I'm not one for crystals normally but I bought a moon stone whilst out here alongside other things of similar nature, mainly as reminders to stay connected which I think will help when I return home. I brought this with me to my little solo ceremony just to help set the mood and to see if I could use it in any way. Well I had the crazy closed eye visuals and I thought maybe this will help, so I closed my eyes, took the crystal in my hand and placed it in between my forehead/eyes (third eye) and instantly the visions calmed down which helped the experience as a whole. They also stayed that way for the duration. Now I can sit and analyse if it has any power, placebo effect etc but I think I'll just leave that one as it is - actually the whole experience I am just leaving as it is. It feels like there's not much my brain can actually do with re-living this experience other than possibly play or shut some things down, trying to rationalize them and this wasn't the point of the experience at all. Then, at some point this automatic communication seemed to come out of me which seemed to be what I could use to speak back out to nature. I started exhaling hard with my lips almost touching together which created this 'shoushhh' sound. This wasn't to shut the trees up, but naturally it felt like the method to communicate with them, like I was putting something back out there that they could receive. (Felt normal at the time, seems weird now but it honestly felt as though they could understand me and somehow I knew exactly how to communicate). I then noticed that just behind me there was singing which sounded child-like (no actual children around) and again the sounds produced seemed to exist on a different frequency plane (as did the whole experience). It was a very tribal sounding song, like an icaro, very catchy and seemed to have an intelligence behind it that could communicate to both humans and nature. I sang along quietly and at the time it felt like I would remember this song forever but now I can barely remember even the sound of a single word (the song wasn't in English, no idea what language - it was too faint to actually pick up on the words but the melody was obvious). Then at some point I felt things watching me, I felt someone behind me, watching me, and saw a shadow of some kind in my peripheral vision, this disappeared when I turned around. I turned back towards the river and then noticed the feeling again. Turning back around I realized I was surrounded by trees and I felt this overwhelming sense of intelligence/consciousness in each and every one. They were all watching me closely, towering over me, which actually made the forest seem quite overcrowded but I just sat there observing this feeling, seeing if it would go any further. So eventually I was kinda thinking it would be time to get up and go, but it just kept going on and on - new things kept arising that made me stay. I still can't believe how connecting making that sound from my mouth was - it really did feel as though I was communicating with the nature around me. So I sat there maybe another 20 minutes or so (time is hard to tell) making strange noises that and rolling around on the spot I was sat in before I noticed the feeling in my stomach that was there when I thought I was going to purge. I then started doing this breathing where I started at the pit of my stomach then dragged the breath all the way up before blowing out of my mouth (never done this before just felt natural). Well this breathing seemed to really enhance my state and I started feeling really light, also it felt like a purge of some kind, that I was bringing something bad out of my stomach. I then finally got up, stretched a bit, made some more noises and then made the first 'human' sound which was just a low grunt/hum and I remember out of everything that had happened, this was the thing that felt alien to me. It was as if I was now on a new plane, when really I was returning to normality. So I started walking back up the path to return to the hostel, thinking it was all over, however I began noticing that my awareness had shifted. I was feeling everything I was doing with great focus, walking felt amazing, just being in this body, feeling the air, the sky, the birds - everything. So I started doing some awareness work, feeling each sensation. I remember looking for the perceiver and it was at this point that it felt like I had just woken up in my body. So I still had a sense of ego but everything felt brand new to me and the person who had gone to the river initially no longer existed, this was a new sense that was completely amazed at everything in sight. I felt the leaves, looked at the floor, the rocks, everything. Concepts flew through my head as I looked at things and it just made everything hilarious. Hilarious because I felt like an alien walking around a foreign world, experiencing everything and thinking about how everything has a name, or even that things even exist in the first place. It all just seemed so bizarre, silly and also profound and full of love, like a big game. Thoughts would come and go, then when I gave attention to thoughts, I thought 'what is that thing that feels like it's in this head? Haha, why is it there? Why does this brain have thoughts coming to it? Where do they come from?' Again it just seemed hilarious and bizarre - this is a strange strange experience that seems to make no sense; 'why are there things everywhere??'. I remember looking at a tree and just thinking 'what the fuck is that!?' Although funny, some of these questions did take me deep and I had to sit down. I felt tears welling up in my eyes at times feeling a bliss and warmth come over me as when pondering, the thoughts seemed to vanish and me just being returned. There was also a point where I moved to a more secluded area (as I was trying not to cry by a footpath people were walking down) however I had intention to stay in this state and go further which completely returned me to normal for about 5 minutes before I managed to let go once more, breath and begin feeling my surroundings and body once more. Actually one thing that put me back there was laughing about how I seemed to have what felt like the holy grail in my hands and within an instant it seemed to have vanished forever, and even more so that I was trying to repeat the process to reach the state again. I remember thinking about my girlfriend which made me think about love. Love seemed so bizarre also. Now when I was pondering, it was more so without labels, I would half start a sentence and then I would just feel out the remainder of the pondering through awareness/feel if that makes sense. It felt more natural than language. I saw myself as, I guess, consciousness that was in a body. This is the closest label I can give it but at the time I had no label to give myself. So it was something like 'what is love? If I am a consciousness in this body, and another human is exactly the same thing, why do they come together to share love if we all are the same thing? We all are. Also why do we pick who we love - is this the construct of the different human characters that love each other or is it the different intentions that these characters put out into the world that draws them together. Either way it's weird as hell'. It was as if there was no reason for love in the way we have it because all we are is love/awareness already. The idea of announcing it just seemed so silly because everything is so obvious. This wasn't negative either, I teared up a lot again with this feeling running through me, and then I found this funny that humans have this response to love. In general the labels, concepts and reactions that we have seemed to be a running joke - this was because these things just seemed irrelevant in comparison to the truth/source. I didn't actually experience the truth/source and these might be the wrong words to use, they don't feel right to type, but it's the best I can come up with right now. Essentially I was in some form of elevated consciousness that brought me closer to the perceiver but not all the way there. I think I could have potentially gotten there if I sat and meditated intently but the experience was just too good to not play around with. It's hard to really pull everything out of this experience but I remember waking along the road and seeing a moto-taxi coming my way and going past me. Yes, the idea of this little vehicle thing made me laugh but then I thought god this walking stuff is pretty long, no wonder these things are here. I also saw a house on top of one of the mountains which just seemed hilarious also. My brain just couldn't seem to figure out why you would build something like that so high up - I couldn't see a single road leading up to it haha. I noticed more automatic actions that I did. I was holding a bottle - how did this get here? How is my hand doing that? Why doesn't it just fall? Why does it fall? What is fall? This was the thought process, everything just constantly being broken down until I either began tearing up or burst out laughing. I then walked into a field at the back of my hostel, at this point I looked at the floor and thought how is this floor here, why are my feet able to stand on it, why don't I fall through? This seemed to shake things up a bit and I started feeling a sense of matter dispersing around me but this didn't last long and I ended up sitting in the field. I then just had the same revelations coming to me over and over. Just peace, being and oneness. I thought about how I got to where I am, from being born, growing up etc - all things that seemed so alien and non-existent. I didn't know if they actually happened - I still can't tell. Did they happen? I was told they did but only the present moment exists so how can they be real? Is this present moment even real? Sure I had memories and thoughts arising but they were nothing more than that. Only the present moment seemed to matter and it seemed silly that experiences are influenced by these thought/memory things. It makes 0 sense as everything is alive and constantly changing. Again, I could not connect with the person that went to the river earlier on - that person felt completely gone and I questioned whether the physical body was the same or if it had been left somewhere. It's a strange feeling, I know I am the same person, I have the same name but it feels like a new something (I don't want to call this anything, there's no name for it) has entered my body and is now experiencing this life. Granted right at this very moment I feel more so of myself, but I can still feel that there has been a shift somewhere in my psyche, awareness, consciousness etc. (trying to type this without sounding like a new age hippie). One more thing here, I heard a noise coming from the hostel and instantly I felt an anxiety jolt come from the sound and travel into my stomach. It seemed to send this out. It was like a frequency/energetic zap that came straight to me, like my stomach was open for this stuff to enter into. I felt it and just thought right let's have a go at this. I closed my eyes and spoke to the things in my stomach, I said 'get out, why don't you come out?'. It replied 'no I'm staying' (haha this is so weird to type out). I then just thought okay it's stubborn, let's love it instead. So I started sending all this love to my stomach, loving the feeling being there where it was, cradling it and letting it know that the universe loves it and it has the ability to love everything else in the universe in equal measure. This brought on the vision of a black/white (etching on a cave style) person that was crouched down as if scared in a corner trying to hide itself. I kept re-assuring this thing that it was loved more than it will ever know and that it has the power to do for others. This completely shut up the dialogue I was previously having with it and I noticed a warmth on my stomach and torso develop as a result. It was at some point after this that I got up and went into the hostel to make food but the experience didn't stop there. Food and chopping up vegetables was just hilarious. Haha I think you get the idea now. I took the yopo around 2pm and it's now just gone 8pm and I still feel high as hell. Overall wow. Wow on the experience, wow that it lasted so long (yopo is only meant to last about an hour so I think it helped to trigger a shift which worked its way out of the experience once the yopo effects wore off. Writing this, I can't judge that they've worn off. I just feel so damn high). And wow if anyone read this entire thing. I just had to write it down, it was incredible and nothing at the same time. P.s. The stomach conversation is weird to read back.

Also to add, everything I chased, when I got it or thought I had, was either a very difficult experience or just seemed numb, an experience you try to pick meaning out of.

Everything I chased seemed to be there all along. As soon as I stopped and observed, I saw that everything had already been given to me. It seems like the chase strays you so far but so close to the goal you can almost taste it. The craving at this point gets so strong and it seems that only once you give up completely does it start to present itself to you. This leaves me wondering what I have missed in the past because my focus has thrown me off course. But then I have not missed anything as everything is given to you that you're ready to accept. So how do I use this in my advantage? How do I still work hard but pick up on these queues that show up out of nowhere? It seems there's a way to work in the universe that makes things so fluid. I know I know, there are millions of guides and programs out there on this. It was just a very profound moment for me today to realise that all of the experiences that have truly benefitted me have just come to me out of nowhere. And just seeing the connectedness here is insane. I'm drawing up a timeline of my life the past few months right now to see what I can determine.

Doseage is just eyeballed and you smoke as much as you can. Not a breakthrough because I still had a sense of self, but I did experience bliss and oneness. These words have different levels of meaning - I can experience a level of it meditating but I know there are levels my brain can't comprehend. Its a ceremony so you pay for that;1 trip although theres always been a bit left over each time that I have afterwards.

Okay so this was my first time and was not a breakthrough. The smoke was very easy to take a hold in (nothing like dmt) and the smell and taste were very very familiar. This was almost as if I was re-experiencing the first taste I've ever tasted once more. So we had a small glass pipe and a bic lighter - not the best for when it's windy out but it seemed to do the trick. The location was below some Incan ruins, next to a river in the mountains. Now Dmt gives me anxiety which I always need to work through when smoking, and as such I was apprehensive about smoking bufo (one of the reasons I didn't breakthrough, also I wanted to test the waters a bit) however this seemed to bypass that entirely. I took 3 hits and was not expecting the psychedelic effects at all, especially as I've read you don't get any visions. Everything was extremely defined and blending together and I could feel myself losing touch with reality (this makes it hard to take more hits also but my facilitator was doing all the pipe work). I laid down and went straight to bliss, I saw twisting shapes and colours, there was a total feeling of centered-ness, I felt home, free with no worries, a deep deep feeling of inner peace all whilst the shaman played quartz bowls around me which really helped to amplify the experience. I can't get over the taste, its so familiar. Sorry this is not more descriptive but overall I got a taste of the bliss, felt a oneness, I could feel some insect crawling over my face and hand but this didn't matter at all, my body simply sank into the earth and the illusion of disconnection was removed. All I can really think to say is bliss and tranquility, equanimity. I am extremely happy to have taken a peek at the potential here and will be partaking in another ceremony in a few days and then again in a month and a half hopefully. Also I must say, there are practioners out there offering bufo from $3000 upwards. This is very very wrong. I paid $30!!!! This is a medicine, an extremely profound and powerful tool and should by no means be reduced to a commodity. The medicine should be available to all, not those who have a wad of cash to splurge. I will try to pull out more information from my next experience that I can share with you but from what I've been told it is very hard to do so. My mind just keeps repeating bliss bliss bliss. It is extremely grounding and comforting to know that this bliss exists all the time. I think this feels like a connection with the power we hold in ourselves that we call to in times of need, the driving force that keeps us going when we feel like we can't go on any longer (or essentially when our egos are dragging us down). Also above I mentioned that reality was slipping away, well actuslly I think it's more so the other way round, this was breaking down the illusion and revealing the source to me. Again this was just a glimpse which is even more amazing to me at the potential this stuff holds.

Nothing wrong with a meditation cushion to lift the pelvis so your back stays straight. My ideal home setup is a round cushion under my ass, positioned to keep back straight and then I use a large V shaped cushion which goes under each of my knees to keep them supported. Either way you will experience pain. I did a vipassana retreat sat like this and jesus christ the devil was in my back and legs having a whale of a time.

Okay update here guys. The first session: Not full release, felt bliss, oneness, very grounding. Wow. I felt the healing potential. The second session: More hits from the pipe. Wow anxiety my old friend what you playing at? Completely inside my own head, can't relax, can't just be, trying to let go and feel all sensations but my mind is racing to get away. After this I started coming down and there was no afterglow like before. Everything looked darker, it looked like anxiety. I then got a huge wave of anxiety that felt like it would last forever but it passed. I think I was on the brink of passing over but the dose was just enough to set me into the uncomfortable stage where my ego had power to fihht back and did not want to give in. This is what I'm hoping anyway but man it's hard and I get the same thing from normal dmt. So essentially I feel that more intake would have broken me through all the anxiety. Also I feel like the anxiety wave was a layer of my ego returning. So as if my ego was coming back gradually in blocks as I returned to normal. I feel like the anxiety needs to be dealt with and I felt so ready to handle it, this was the confusing thing. I meditated for an hour in the morning (as normal), did some self inquiry for 30 minutes, got some revelations, then later before the ceremony I felt bliss after I spent about 45 minutes self affirming I am ready, I give in, I trust myself, I trust the medicine, I embrace fear, fear is just a label we give to a sensation, there is nothing special about it, I approach fear with curiosity etc etc. So this self affirmation session eventually resulted in my brain just giving up and thoughts seemed to vanish. I then felt happiness come over me. So yeah I felt pretty ready and still had a difficult, uncomfortable experience where all meditation seemed to go out the window. I'm currently reassesing and will be doing another tomorrow probably (eeeek!!). My point here is that if you have lots of underlying issues then, you may break through them or it may bring them all to the surface and you'll feel them in full force. It didn't really feel like it was working me through them either. It actually felt bad for my brain, like I could feel wires getting mixed up and now I have a headache. There was stress and an 'oh no' feeling on the sobering up stage. Maybe someone else could share some words of wisdom for me as I'm not sure where my future with psychedelics lies at this time with this same blockage being experienced time and time again. Time to hit the pen and paper again to get all of these thoughts out. Edit: @Leo Gura help!

There are no words, the understanding seems to lie in just being. Seriously wtf bro haha its crazy that you know this is here all along. Its like your whole life is just your ego expanding like a balloon thats going to pop and then some frog venom gradually deflates you softly and all built up anxieties are just wiped out with your mind being safely tucked up in bliss.

Pullcalpa, I'll be there soon to do it again! https://www.facebook.com/groups/Bufo.DMT.Medicina.Sagrada.Peru/ Enjoy, any questions please ask. This is a huge opportunity for anyone wanting to work seriously.

I've seen this in videos from a reliable source who experienced this first hand through smoking dmt in a space where someone had purged bad energies (bad person also). I didn't really believe this was possible before, more so I just intellectually fantasised about it being real but this really really blew my mind. I've seen both the entity acting through him and also the exorcisms. Moral of story is to treat ALL psychedelics with extreme care and humbleness, purify the space and set good intentions. Don't just take acid and wander round a music festival. Whilst this can be fun you could be opening yourself to all sorts of trouble. God it feels weird to type that and even reading back i feel i look like an idiot. My brain is still fighting against the idea that this can be real but better safe than sorry I guess. There is nothing wrong whatsoever with being cautious and giving more attention to the ceremony you're partaking in. In my experience this will always enhance the effects and help you to break through any negative thought patterns. Also I know there are a lot of people out there who hold these same beliefs, and whilst this doesn't make them anymore true I am now more so under the impression that others are way more perceptive of this other world and the dangers it can contain. This being said, I'm still learning and am just taking each of these experiences (both first and second hand) as they come. It's strange how far the rabbit hole goes once you start opening up. Just be safe and don't take psychedelics around random people you're not sure of. There are also still many people who treat these substances as a bit of fun and only see the positive sides or (like I used to) shut out any attempted input of the negatives.

I've been obsessed with food for about 15 years which has taken up a huge amount of time, focus energy etc. It all started when I hit puberty and wanted a certain body type. Along the way I developed an unhealthy obsession with food and a negative eating pattern which varies from not eating at all to binge eating myself into oblivion. One particular incident which occurred several times was the result of gorging on huge bowls of oats covered in sugar and jam. The result left me needing to lie down to grasp onto my life - I started sweating and my heart was beating rapidly; I couldn't move. The only other time I've had this was from my drug days where I did a rather large line of a particular stimulant where it felt as though I was about to have a heart attack. This may sound extreme and a little comical - it actually still makes me laugh but in all honesty, it has consumed my life for far too long. Everything revolves around this. I'm 5 7" and the lightest I've been is 128lb with the heaviest at 165lb (heavyweight was intentional as I was bodybuilding). I now sit at around 150lb but ideally want to be about 138lb. Things I've tried: Fasting Low carb Balanced (adequate protein, fat carbs) Vegan Vegetarian Multiple meals throughout the day One meal a day Two meals a day No sugar or treats, chocolate etc Cheat day One treat a day Sitting and being aware of the urges/sensations until they pass You get the idea... Currently I have no foods off limits - I eat what I want and do so in moderation. This is until the urges come. I can sit with them and feel them but somehow they catch me off guard and then I go straight for the all or nothing mentality and I just annihilate every food in sight. Sure, this is normally high-calorie sugary foods but there's nothing stopping me from shovelling down double or triple dinners filled with nutrient-dense foods, balancing all food groups. I'm aware that I'm trying to fill the bottomless pit of void. I can feel it in my stomach before and after the binge. I've always wondered what's beyond the binge, where the path will take me once I'm past giving into it. I've even been there many times and it feels great but somehow this is all part of the cycle as at some point it creeps back, I'm aware, then I feel myself moving towards the cupboard, I'm aware once more and laugh, returning to just feeling the sensations. All is well again. An hour passes and then I realise I've done it again. I feel tricked by something. How did I not notice it this time? Next time I'll get it. Anyone that has any kind of negative pattern will probably notice this cycle and I really feel as though I'm about to break through it all but I look at my recent behaviours and it feels like I'm way more aware of what I'm doing but I can't stop it. I watched Leo's video on addiction recently and read the entry on the actualized website about his own story which was really inspiring. I then made some bullet points based on this as well as some of my own thoughts which I read through daily as a kind of positive brainwashing exercise: I give up for life: Overeating. Eating for reasons other than hunger (depression, boredom, because someone else is, time I would usually eat etc). Guilt. Fear of hunger. Fear of small meals. All or nothing mentality. Quotes (both from actualized and some of my own thoughts: "I either do not react to the urge now, or I die feeling this way" "Would you rather have 5 seconds of pleasure eating or would you rather have the pleasure of looking fit?" "Just imagine you've already eaten it. The 5 seconds have passed. Now be at peace." "If I stop now, I will never progress." "Food gets wasted either way. Throw food away rather than cost my health." "I trust 100% the feeling of hunger in my body." "I eat until I'm 75% full, leaving a small feeling of hunger. It takes 20 minutes for fullness signals to reach the brain." "Start leaving some food on the plate, bit by bit." "Get used to being slightly hungry all the time, even after a meal." "Be aware of ego tricks, and do not react." "I am completely responsible for where and who I am, as well as my actions." "Food is not the enemy. Binge/overeating is separate from intentional conscious eating." Plan Eat slowly and mindfully. Enjoy each mouthful. Don't limit, only moderate (removing negative/positive connotations associated with different foods - tell a child they cannot go into your top drawer and see what happens). Balanced, nutritious overall diet (slightly contradicting to the above but essentially this means incorporating all food groups, meaning moderation). Pause during meals and ask questions (taste, texture, fullness etc). Visualize and journal. Commit 100%. Sit and be aware - 'do nothing' meditation. Refer to other notes/affirmations above. Now this is my plan and I do commit 100% when I can remember. But that's the problem here for me, consistency. As above, I've read Leo's move away from an unhealthy lifestyle but does anyone else here relate or have a success story of their own? Again, my issue is consistency. I've written that I commit 100% but that cannot be true if I'm still doing the thing. I still haven't given up the 5 seconds of enjoyment and I still follow through binging like there's no tomorrow. If anyone can share anything that might help me to stop feeling like a victim and give this up once and for all I would love to hear your ideas.

I am always as cautious as possible however recently I ran into some knowledge based on what you are speaking about which confirmed a lot of things which I only fantasised about being true in the past. Essentially it was something I could see being true but I had no evidence. I am now way more careful haha and do my best to purify the space and set good intentions before journeying. Needless to say though, this is a physical issue and has been documented online by numerous other guinea pigs. I was physically ill for 2 days after each session with exactly the same symptoms. I did initially think it was some kind of detox but I felt physically sick - just google changa flu and you'll see. This doesn't affect everybody.

2 changa sessions 3 days apart - both of which resulted in 2 days of flu-like symptoms (all over body aches, tiredness, dizziness, weakness etc). Please be careful with changa, if you smoke the stuff made with the harmalas in salt form it can give you flu-like symptoms for a couple of days. 4 days of my week have been annihilated because of this. Smoked a second time 2 days in advance of the first as I wasn't sure if this was a coincidence. After Googling 'changa flu' for more info, it seems that some people are more sensitive to Isopropyl alcohol than others (do the same if you are interested; there are people out there that seem to know what they're talking about ) During the sessions there were no symptoms; it comes on within a few hours. I've smoked this same stuff before multiple times (years back) and never had a problem.

Thank you for all of your comments. I've been up and down like a big fat yoyo covered in melted chocolate and lard. I've started journalling and really feel this is helping. I feel like I just need to keep tipping the bingeberg into the path of this titanic eating habit to sink that lil puppy to the bottom of the sea where it can stay. Not sure if anyone cares (a lot have commented so hopefully ) but I will update this as progress comes. Thank you all once more!!

A thought is something that seems to come into my head, sometimes spontaneously and sometimes I appear to bring the thought on myself. Thoughts seem to encourage the course of actions or feelings. When a thought comes it can change your mood and the thoughts that then follow. Through meditation it feels as though thoughts come from somewhere else and that I am a receiver of some kind that is simply observing them. In this case it is strange that they influence me so much, especially if I feel somewhat aware that these thoughts are not something that I am generating. So a thought arises from somewhere and is received by me, I then am either aware of this thought being received, or I become trapped (or am already trapped) in the process of thoughts and am not aware, believing that this is something I have thought up myself and that the thought is in fact part of me. This whole process is not thought about - there is no awareness of it and everything feels automatic. What's also strange is that if thoughts do come from somewhere else, why then do personalities develop? Is my personality stored somewhere outside of my body? Is my personality based purely on my brain and my environment or is everything already thought out somewhere else, which is then gradually fed through to me throughout the course of my life? Or, does my personality develop based on the events that happen in my life, and these events then create moods, feelings and thoughts which are then fed back up to my personality (wherever that is) so that new thoughts can then be fed back later? It's a bit confusing and I'm not really sure, I don't think I can be sure. However, if we take the premise of thoughts coming from an external source, then surely this would apply to all living things. This being the case, if we are all fed thoughts, feelings and sensations from somewhere else then I think we are not really learning from the environment directly, rather, this environment is a medium for the thoughts/sensations which arise from elsewhere to be experienced. Does this then mean that life is a big experiment, just to see how different things interact with each other?