Nervtine

What do you think? Are rich friendships essential for the good life? These do count as external sources, and so far in my development, I've realized true happiness only can be found within. If so, how are some ways to gain healthier views on friendships, and what are attributes of being a good friend? Also, tell me if I am flogging a dead horse if that's what you think!

In a nutshell, my 2017 was a suicidal tendency feast I gorged myself on. I've processed the why of these things, and can even laugh off some of the reasons why. But sometimes, when I allow myself to think of them, I get paralyzed with fear I will become that necrotic again. This gets better the more time passes and the more I work on myself. What traumatized me the most out of this is people out right not believing I was this way, not caring me and offering me little compassion when I had a hard time showing myself any. And I still feel like I need to apologize to them for being overbearing and for hurting them during my toxic lashings out- but that isn't possible. One went to bed while I was telling him I was seriously going to do it, woke up the next morning saying he knew he should be groveling, but wasn't and didn't feel sorry. The other would just tell me to shut up and that they didn't want to deal with me. Both have espoused that they cared a lot, or that they didn't at all. I no longer talk to these people (out of my choice-they know they really aren't welcome talking to me again either) but I still think about them a lot. One in particular I still have a flicker of desire to be friends with-the one in the first example- even though I know that's not realistic and in another way I don't desire to think about the ever again. I do not think these people are bad, nor completely misguided. We all used our hurt to hurt eachother I think. What are some was you guys move on from difficult things like this? And what are some insights you think I may be lacking in?

Though I am sure on what my life purpose is (author and artist) I get caught up in the "not good enough" feeling a lot of the time. Sometimes I feel like the projects I have are either too ambitious, or they are such a good idea I would be remiss to make them debuts, as they would be tainted with amateurish mistakes. Emotional mastery is something I've been working on, and if any of you had insights on how you have gotten past this, I'm game to hear. Trying to push me into "Just do it!" mode prematurely burns me out on a project, which ends up making me feel even more hopeless. I've been stuck on a few projects for 10 times longer than I probably should be, and am dealing with the guilt that comes from that. And I know seeking solace in the forum probably shouldn't be the first step, but I'm combined with a tough last few days, this has me at a loss and I've found myself just wanting to curl up in bed and forget about my dreams.

@Dumivid Well put. It has helped more than you know to finally be understood. @Nahm Good stuff for anyone here. Thanks everyone for everything!

@Javfly33 Well put, and a legendary quote. @Mintberrycrunch Fixing the sleep problem is the healthiest first step. I don't know how I overlooked that.

@Hellspeed Honey, I do see how this is important for you, but this is the last time I am going to ask you to stop. We both know I can whip out my own proofs too. I feel you may be trying to convince yourself more than us. That's what I did when I used to get into heated debates. And avoided looking at that for years because it hurt too much to accept. I am glad you have a passionate fire, but perhaps that could be directed on your life purpose more than telling others how wrong they are all day? (I know, I know, I see the irony) Go treat yourself to a relaxing bubblebath or the like, as it feels like this may have broiled your blood. And these videos heavily rely on personal bias; something you hate that others do, so why not stop doing it yourself? I know it is frustrating that no one seems to be taking your side, but maybe it would be good to think why- and you can still disagree and tell me I smell on top of it if you want. But will that make you happy? (Though I would have to admire your nasal capacity in that regard.)

@NahmThank you very much for all of that. And thank you for breaking down my message like that, it is very eye opening. These are such profound insights, I can't do much more than marvel at them and tell you that you are a good bean 100 times over. This part really got to me.

All and all, listen to your body. Be mindful how different foods make you feel after eating them. And try to avoid labeling yourself as "someone who doesn't eat x," it's a personal choice for you and you will get pressure from others to change back if they don't have proper education. I'll admit, I am bias to for what I am recognizing, so don't take this as gospel. Anyone who is dogmatic that you should follow a direct way is full of shit There isn't a one size fits all way to eat, so research and planning are needed for everyone. Cutting out animal products is essential for good health, and I commend you on your progress! Saturated fats don't need to be completely eliminated, just watched. Here are some sources you may enjoy: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/19562864 https://www.organicauthority.com/buzz-news/vegan-diet-appropriate-for-all-stages-of-the-life-cycle-says-largest-group-of-nutritionists https://sciencebasedmedicine.org/the-skinny-on-saturated-fat/

@Athena After the fact, I'd say so. Could you define what you mean by cosmic though...? I remember when I first posted this I was worried no one would relate at all, and of course I talked to others who had similar timelines. I hope you get the same odd closure from that which I do.

@Nahm That is most defiantly the biggest root cause of this. Thinking I need anyone... It's even harder as an empath, as I usually get to know people better then themselves, and probably have a stronger connection with themselves than they do. I always feel like it is my duty to help them see when it isn't my duty at all. I get upset knowing that these people only hurt me because they were hurt themselves...I know, I am working on breathing right now. It is one of their birthdays today and...honestly, I don't know if they are even alive. I know, I need to implement some non-attachment- but is it okay for me to be upset knowing I can't help at all? Or maybe that is me trying to control, and control is the biggest illusion there is. I get upset not having people to talk to about this without judgment in my real life a bit- but again, maybe that really is a problem with me judging myself. Letting go is what I am aiming to do. You'd think it would be easier than clinging onto unhealthy things, but that's just the counter intuitive nature of being I suppose. Sorry for venting some things not conducive to the topic, I am still seeking to talk about it outwardly while I learn to soothe myself internally.

Sounds a bit like disassociation to me- as someone with regular episodes, I know all about feeling like you are a part of reality one minute, then feeling gone the next. It flares up specifically when I haven't had sleep. Maybe you can relate to some of these feelings? When it happens for the first time, it does feel like a psychotic break. Have you also been stressed in general? Stress can do this in a way. Here is a good video on it and another thing it could be:

@Mintberrycrunch Gosh, I know what it is like to feel that way, and you aren't alone in having those odd body reactions to it. I also know what it feels like to go to therapy and for it to not help. Do you have anyone else to talk to? Personally, I am here to listen to anything you need to say. Suicidal thoughts are an older, overbearing/toxic friend of mine that try and creep up every now and then. If you are close to acting on them though, go to the hospital and tell them this, they will take care of it from there. One thing that helped me was really being honest with myself why I had a repetitive thought. I know you are already in a lot of pain, but it has to hurt a hell of a lot before it gets better. Repetitive thoughts are usually us not processing something right or trying to deny something, when deep down we know what the truth is. Finding a way to process these thoughts in a healthy way is paramount. I've found taking a walk, drawing and meditation help loads. Do something you love- I recommend trying to find your life purpose and focusing on that. Maybe you just need to have a good cry and nap- I did these a lot as someone with anxiety and depression. I find when I start shaking at random to suppress a thought, I need to actually let that feeling wash over me. But like a wave, it does eventually pass and you continue down the path of life. Watch your thoughts mindfully, without judgment at one point, then try to do this most days. Working on emotional mastery is crucial for this as well. I am still working on that myself- it is hard business, but undoubtedly worth it. Treat yourself like you are the most valuable thing on earth, because spoiler alert, you are. Every part of existence is, even when you don't feel like it. Go and buy stuff for a relaxing bubble bath and soak up your emotions like the water surrounding you. Make a day and go somewhere you've wanted to go and enjoy the sights. Allow yourself to enjoy life, because I know we all too often cope ourselves up under the gist of needing to work/do school or feel obligated to do something and not allow ourselves to live our dreams.

Striving to help animals, I think, is already a green move and even yellow move. With a dog trainer, helping clients explore how to turn their weaknesses into strengths could be useful. And also striving to understand why certain behaviors arise. Tobby doesn't tear up the couch just to spite you: perhaps he is bored or even angry with you. Help teach them to value the animals perspective, and learn to be in tune with what they are saying. Even suggesting a study on what certain body languages and barks mean could be extraordinarily helpful. Another green move would be suggesting toys that can biodegrade in the next 100 years. Instead of buying plastic balls- maybe a tightly wound seagrass ball instead. A stage turquoise move I suppose would be seeing no division between your pet and yourself- you are them and they are you. So encouraging being nice to the dog is also being nice to yourself. You could discuss this with other open minded individuals, but it isn't really something you can sell.

@bejapuskas I'm not sure how it is connected, but yeah, I don't go against the rules of nofap, if I remember them correctly. In a way, it isn't too scary to think of going up to strangers- it just that I rarely get the opportunity as a stay at home writer and artist. Evocative music has been a huge help to me in the past few years, so good call. Overall, thank you for the advice!

@ajasatya Very good insight. It is really easy for me to mentally jack myself off with the personality I've cultivated. I'm gonna have to write that down and stick it on my fridge.

@Dumivid That is an interesting perspective. I am placed oddly on the social calibration scale. I am usually perceived as easy going and easy to talk to, and even a good conversationalist (this is a 180 turn around from the last few years, were I was meek, awkward and abrasive). I have high points in empathy and group problem solving, but when it comes to doing something fun- I am fucking clueless. ("What do you mean tackling your shadow self isn't fun? It's only feels like your entire being is being torn apart cell by cell!?" "Busting your ass on a project isn't fun? Whaaat?!?") I guess in that regard, my fun-sympathy/empathy is low. Overall I agree. As a whole, I am abysmal at small talk. I'm at that stage where I question it. Small talk? But why? Why can't we all just have profound conversations off the bat? Once upon a time this was a concept I'd praise, but in reality, it speaks to my low understanding of how healthy relationships function. I've only known and allowed myself to be in dysfunction, so that's all I knew how to process for a while. Going as far to try to turn things that were healthy into dysfunctional because I just couldn't understand it. It also speaks to me being undisciplined and too lazy to figure out the formula for how small talk works- of course throwing the blanket of "No no no, this is because I'm real with people" over it. I never really learned how to deep share until recently (2017- yeah, we know where that went). Of course, that's an ability I was so excited to share. Problem being is I didn't have friends that I knew well. I was avoidant of that because I thought I needed attachment, or that they wouldn't be attached to me. Now I kind of have someone, but in reality, we are still learning about each other. That's been my biggest barrier. I've just expected people to be on my same wavelength, but they just aren't. Be that when I had next to no development, or high development. In the end, I guess it's about finding commonalities. Most people just don't wanna turn inward and question life. And we have to be okay with that- I've tired mental throttling people to my level, doesn't work.

@bejapuskas Gosh, I dunno if I could even last 17 hours, haha. Thinking (I mean, that in general too) about those kind of topics is my number one addiction above all else. As far as I know, my fiancee is the opposite sex and they are the main person I talk to, so that's a good check. I usually favor talking to guys (half the people on here think I am a guy, so sorry for ruining the illusion) so another plus. In some ways, it's a lot harder for me to talk to women, even though biologically I have those bits. I am defiantly more rational and analytical, and one of my greater challenges has been learning to truly embrace my feminine side. Haha, I relate strongly to this. I usually try to engage in deeper topics right away- something like this: Stranger breaking the ice:"Fine weather today, huh?" Me:"Have you recognized how every one of your choices affected the person you are today? And how has your development gone on working past your firmly established disillusions and growing to be a greater individual as a whole?" Stranger exits stage left. I've been working on being less blunt as well. Trying to get to know them first, then trying to see if they want something of substance. We all need to go through certain stages- in fact, we are in some stage now, whether we realize it or not- to become who we are tomorrow. The willingness to improve is paramount. One of my biggest past mistakes was thinking I could help people, even if they didn't want my help. I mean, I only wasted a few years of my life doing that, whoopsie daises.

Yep, I had and still have this one. With meditation and self-awareness, this pass too. @Dumivid This is a huge relief. I've been in a stage of writhing guilt once I realize I made an ass of myself. In some ways, the people in I talked about in this-the ones who didn't care about me killing myself- were in much higher development than I. Perhaps it's not all that simple though- as there were some places I was higher at too, it's not a linear spectrum. Oof, this one hit me in the personal feels too. Just replace video games with novels/art. This one I founded literally last week. All I can say is these similarities are getting fucking insane. No more coasting along thinking poor me, no one understands my very specific struggles. I don't think this comes to a surprise now that I strongly relate to this. I can talk all day about realizing your life purpose, tackling your shadow self and the paradoxical nature of being: but when it comes to weather, pop culture or some other low consciousness stuff, my brain capacity drops down to the power of a sock. Shit, we will probably become good at shallow talk in the future just because we hate this shit. Ah well, as is life I guess, haha.

@bejapuskas Very good insights there. One of my issues after I've started being authentic 24/7, I've begun to treat everyone like my friend/nice since haven't seen a border between them and myself in some time. Sometimes I feel friendship itself is a border people put up, i.e. "I will treat this person with kindness because they give me something in return. And those who aren't them won't be treated with this same kindness." I just don't think that's fair or believe in that. And that's where I think friendship as society knows it, is conceptually flawed. I love this bit, haha, Thank you for sharing that with me. I need to rein myself in with this, as I strongly relate to Chokei. @JohnnyBravo See the second and third sentence above. And so what if people judge, I've begun to tell myself. Candidly, why should we care? I'd want friends who have different beliefs than mine and challenge me, which usually starts with them judging what I hold dear and vice versa. I made the mistake in previous friendships believing the opposite was true; worse even a previous friend told me this, and I thought it was toxic. (Same friend from the post I made in my Trauma thread) I am working on embodying this- or maybe that's the thing, you don't work on it. Fundamentally, I was a builder in my craft and when it came to relationships. There was a foundation that held you down, and even more layers on top of that. How I thought this was healthy is beyond me. In fact, it is more difficult to just let things happen for me as I used to think you had to shoulder through everything in life. Now I am trying to let in unfold and accept the beauty that I have no control over that. I may be on track though. As I am in a relationship kinda like the one you mentioned, though it hasn't been 20 years, it's creeping close to half a decade. There is comfort knowing I could leave at any time, but I don't want to and stay out of choice. This has been a development in the last year, as I used to play the victim and pretend I had no choice at all. Until my disillusionment came knocking on my door with a sledgehammer.

@Dumivid This is all so crazy- this is another thing that's been on my mind. How the truth is blatantly in front of us the whole time, (the best way to hide a lie is to convince you it was concealed in the first place) and how I'll dismiss advice for years until I find myself embodying it. I don't know about you, but along this vein I usually find that I've mentally mocked people who, in reality were higher in me in development. But it doesn't ever look that way-you label them one way or another to feel better about yourself- give it two years and I am exactly where that person was. A good example I have is when I was younger, I cracked jokes about vegetarians and denounced their life style (I'm not here to debate if these diets are righteous or anything else: who knows, I may still find out I am wrong, it's a running theme). When I was younger, I found myself in a place where I had fully transitioned (literally over night, I know you aren't supposed to, but I am one of the rarer people I know who can makes changes abruptly) and fondly held those beliefs I laughed at for years. Over the next seven years I would of course, think the whole green, vegan lifestyle was going a little far. I mean really, it wasn't convenient and was extremist, right...? Yeah, last February I made another change. The whole point of this usually is I try to look towards what group I am making fun of now, because a lot of the time, that's where I am headed. At one point I would have thought a site like this was melodramatic and full of wish-fullfilling bullshit. Life was just was life is, nothing more. I didn't see advantages in laying out feelings, discussing life purpose or entertaining mystical elements was anything but laughable. I mean, people on the internet really couldn't give good advice, right...? And here I am. Next is probably becoming way more airy-fairy relaxed and exercising non-attachment. I used to think these were limiting and ridiculous, but am just coming over that hill now. And I come from a family that supports all the things I am doing now! I have heard support for every single thing I am working towards a thousand times, and have had so much help along the way but of course, no one understood me. For years I thought they were holding me back and didn't have any good advice, now things have come full circle and I am building a real relationship with my mother for the first time in my life over all this. For me, at least half the truths I believe now; truths I fought for and literally bled over- I had been told a hundred times by her. The truth was literally a room down from me, but my stubborn ass had to be a misunderstood hero in my story. In reality I was a toxic victim who hurt others with my hurt and avoidance of emotional mastery. If you got through all that, thank you. I am still fairly new to spilling my guts, and I hope at least something there made sense. That or it made you laugh, because really, sometimes that's all we need to get ourselves in the mindspace to see our own bullshit. That experience was the most emotionally damaging for me too. Objectively speaking, it isn't the worst thing I've experienced. It was a nuke to previous held beliefs and my ego though- and boy, does anything hurt more than that backlash that comes back 10 times as hard. That suffering really was a gift though. Without it, I wouldn't have considered going down the path I did today. Though I'd never want to relive 2017, I don't think I'd change anything about it. It's a strong reminder of what an non-actualized life is like. Peeling back the layers of those 365 days, I've gained a lot of wisdom. But I can't do that forever, and know it's time I move on. I used to justify obsessing over it as analyzing my behavior so I didn't make the same mistake-a pass for the first 100 times, sure. But now it is robbing me of my present, and is time to move on. Whatever is going to happen now, happens. I'm done disrupting the stream of my life and suffering. @JohnnyBravo That first bit really resonates with me. I used to be a vindictive little shit, and that was my train of thought for a while. And I'm planning on staying for now. When I make plans though, usually the opposite will happen-like with this I'll probably be magicked into a toad or I decide to live out my days in a cave. With my luck, probably both. Thank you for your story and insight.

@RawJudah Doesn't that put an expectation on how you want them to act though? I think I get what you mean, but I also would want to be around them in all shades of life, not only when they are being positive. But in general, I think you are right- finding people who elevate you and take care of themselves are good all around. On this for everyone, what is some advice for friendship in adulthood? An intro to how to come across good folks would be very appreciated.

@Bluebird Thank you again for your wisdom. I think this is exactly what I needed to hear to get on the process of moving on.

I've been in a bit of a pickle when it comes to moving on from something that happened across 2017 and early 2018. It's by no means the objective worse thing that happened to me- moreover a quick evisceration on the ego that has created a profound backlash. If you aren't in the mood for a more personal, even emotional story, this isn't the post for you. I've retold this story more than once, but I still feel stuck. In part because I feel vast wisdom is to be harvested from this experience, but at the cost of making it harder to be mindfully present. In part because throughout this tale, I was in the wrong in many cases. In some respect, though I still may make it sound like these people were below me in development, I think the opposite was true in some areas. I'll try and keep this brief, though I again warn you, that's not my strong suit. Like many of you, I wasn't bestowed with the environment that fostered learning social graces. In due part because of my own lack of curiosity- I have been largely depressed my whole life, even as a small child. Where youth normally is seen as a time of hopeful imaginativeness, mine was rather nihilistic and hopeless. I lived in a state of mind that the rare good things in my life would be swiftly taken away. Therefore I was rather cold, distrustful and passionatless. I'm happy to report this wasn't a static theme throughout my life. Through taking myself out of crippling environments, fixing some of those warped perceptions I had and finding a life purpose. Problem still being though, I never really made true friends. In fact, I had "friends" thrust onto me, assigned by authority figures in my life. In kindergarten, I had a flicker of something that resembled unabashed friendship, but I had to move schools after an incident where I couldn't manage my anger and...I pushed a chair at a teacher who just had knee surgery. That story doesn't end there though, as mad luck would have it, we would meet again in our freshmen year of high school at a private school. We were strikingly similar in terms of our path in personal development at that point- though not identical in the areas that really counted. I looked past this though, as a desperation to have something good in my life had really begun to snowball. I ignored or allowed behaviors that weren't conducive or even harmful to me to happen from her. We will call her Geena. This person does deserve a hefty amount of credit for one thing though. As you may have inferred, I didn't have the healthiest home life. This culminated at this point in my life when it reached a point where I set it up to where me and my sister essentially ran away. There were many attempts to get CPS involved, but my mother and S.O. at the time were excellent deceivers.We stayed at what I considered was a friends house, and finally, a situation occurred where CPS aggred we should be removed from the house with our mother, and the friends parents agreed to put a roof over our heads.( I am conflicted on if they were or not-either I haven't fully processed this and repressed it, or it has run its course on how I feel about this friend-we will call them Carter) We stayed there for about three months before me and that "friend" had a falling out. Shortly after, me and my sister were asked to move under the guise of financial difficulties to keep us there- I am unsure the full truthfulness of this. A few days later, me, my sibling and the few belongings we were able to keep were dropped off at Geena's house after her mother enthusiastically welcomed the idea of us staying there after Geena made the situation clear. This was the first time I actually felt like I was a part of a functional and healthy family (though of course, that's what I needed at the time, so I was really looking through much of this through rose-colored glasses) and that I truly had a friend in the world. Geena was a fellow creative, and this was around the time I found my life purpose. The location of their house was funnily enough, one street away from the property I hold dearest in my heart to what home feels like. It was in a section nearby the park, with lush trees and calm streets to stroll on in a small town where people can keep their doors unlocked at night. Everything about it felt perfect and safe. Of course the story can't end there though. Because of circumstances I am still unaware of, we weren't permitted to stay there. I know the mother really wanted us to- even throwing us a send off party the night before we were set to go to a foster home. Long story short, the foster home was just awful. Me and my sister hovered between starving and being fed enough to make the social workers happy. The foster parents were emotionally abusive in pretty extreme ways- following strict guidelines least we find out what others cruelties she was capable of. Thankfully, we only stayed there a few months, though it felt like years. My mom got her shit together, and we moved back with her. Geena still supporting me every step of the way and being there when I needed to vent. We lived in a small apartment, but still in the same small town. It was simple existence, and I felt at peace and worked still on bettering myself and working on my talents. There were a few bumps in the road through the next year- we ended up house hoping with my moms friends a few times at one point, but we ended up at the property I mentioned two paragraphs ago. It is the place I think of when someone says home, even though it wasn't perfect. Something about the location was though. I had my own trailer I lived in on the property, and mostly lived on my own Throughout all the adversity in my life, I managed to be a better student in high school than I had been before. This swell of pride that came from being good academically made me really follow the pursuit of academia and knowledge as a whole. This was a good thing in my life that I created, and I had the flawed belief that I had control over if it was taken away or not. I had already been looking into colleges mid Sophomore year, as my hard work paid off and I was able to start college earlier than most. When my Junior year started, I just felt this perceptive change of sorts. School was another kind of surrogate home for me at one point, but when I returned that year, something just felt...hollow. My friendship with Geena and the recovering one with Carter felt hollow. I broke the friendships off with them when it was clear it wouldn't work out. Even my aspirations felt hollow in some regards. I knew change was needed, and of course you know at this age I didn't make the best decision on how to do that. Short and sweet- I tried to blast through the rest of my needed credits by doing online schooling. Because of how the private school was set up however, none of my credits transferred over. Getting a ride to the private school was unsustainable, so I wasn't able to go back. So I tried going to a public school- and encountered the same problem. This was devastating for me- it was my aspiration to be the first person from my family who actually valued school and didn't drop out. I like to call this period the Depression Maverick, because it really felt like a tidal wave of sadness and numbness crippled me. I had very limited options- and my motivation to pursue them whittled, both my my situation and by my own mental gymnastics. After exhaustive attempts to get my academic life on track, I ended up dropping out. Funny how I could go through a hellacious foster care system and previous home life and move on, but this- this really was a huge shot at my ego, and of course I didn't know how to deal with it yet. It's worth mentioning what that I was working at a fast food pizza place at this point in time. And honestly, the environment there was toxic, but in less obvious ways. (I know, sounds like I can't catch a break, but please remember dear reader, the last thing I want is pity and for you to think I was a complete victim. I wasn't. This story is to help provide context for why I have certain struggles) Most of us were from the small small town, so there was this down-to-earth homely attitude about the place, but since everyone knew eachother in town, it's much risker to wrong your neighbor because someone will lash back in retribution. So basically, it was that classy trope of people pretending to be invested in you and your struggles, and that they were more than just their work, but really, they weren't at all. They would leave psychological scares when they got you alone however, and we usually worked alone with a few other people. I haven't ever really met someone with my personality type up to this point. Usually this makes people lonely, but even at a young age, I knew the dangers of befreinding people too similar to you, and feared one day creating an echochamber between myself and another. I can't say I hoped I'd find someone like me, moreover I thought it was a fantastical impossibility. But of course, I did meet someone eerily similar to me. They worked at the pizza place as well. We will call them Jay. Now Jay- he was very troubled. He quite obviously had a traumatic past, but hadn't mindfully processed these or gotten very deep into self actualizing. Because of this, he lashed out by being rude and critical- to make matters worse, he was indeed a manager. He was in the usual age group of the company I felt comfortable talking to at that point- I've generally related to older people, but all in all, only four years separated our births, which isn't that much time. I was classically shy at this point. But also wary of his downright mean tendencies- he was actually proud of being known as mean and making people cry. He was one of those that relished having control of his life at work, and used his authority to downright bully others. Most genuinely disliked him- our GM was nice to his face but shit-talked about him when he was away. I felt sorry for him. There were some key similarities between us, and though we had similar pasts, he just took a different path. I used to have a mean front too, when I was afraid to show vulnerability. Though I wasn't always cordial in face of his insults, I went out of my way to get to know him in a genuine way and talk with him. I had a big ol' platonic crush on him at this point. But I just didn't feel 1.good enough to be his friend and 2.worried about his odd sliding between very nice and very mean. I thought it wisest not to pursue anything, especially since we worked together. That changed a bit though when he announced he'd be moving to a town 60 miles away for college. Now Jay was the closest thing to a work place friend I had. So when I heard this, my stomach dropped and it genuinely made me sad. At this point we'd worked together for almost 2 years. Fast forward three months. (I realize how almost everything here happens three months later-guess I should've known the pattern by now) I decide to send him a friend request and message on Facebook. He accepts and we have a nice chat. In this chat I noticed he really wasn't doing to well, but didn't seem fully aware of it of it. Though he add friends, I think they were more like my previous "friends" I mentioned. He has gone on to say he only views friends as distractions and entertainment, and it really shows his attitude to tackling his problems-he doesn't. And it sounded like his friends were like-minded, though it isn't really my place to say if they were good or bad. By the sounds of it though, they tore him down and used him, so it's hard not to say my distaste for them was entirely subjective. This next segment is where it gets heavy and personal. Trigger warning for suicide. Through out the time I worked there, I had been financally supporting my family. My mother had gotten a break and honestly, I had to grow up pretty quick. I was also there for emotional and any other support needed. But no one was there for me. And really, all I needed was someone to talk to, and realize I needed to turn inward. Now my loneliness had been mounting for- well, my whole life at this point. I got tired of all my suffering, my nervousness and deceptions. I was going to claim my life and fix it- though "fix" won't be the word that will come to mind when all is said and done. Mistake 1- I reconnected with Geena. Mistake 2- I got into a friendship with Jay Mistake 3- I thought I had turned inward enough at this point, and though had much to learn, I was sagely and enlightened. For more context, this is where I found myself early 2017. The friendship with Jay, to no surprise, wasn't very substantial- very stage orange, where I was pursuing something more yellow or even turquoise. Not having good metrics on how friendships work, I kind of forced the friendship between us. It was very one sided. I was the one to start the conversations, the only one who asked how he was and substantial things akin to personal development. Jay-he already had enough distractions in his life. On reflection, I think he felt like he should care about me, but truthfully he didn't. I...I took the bait when he said he would be there for me, no matter what. And that he liked and valued me- he sold me what I'd been looking for all my life. It was more than a dream come true. Though my academic life was in shambles, that began to matter less and less- that is, until he would offhandedly insult me for not finishing or being in college. With Geena- I am not sure what happened to her, but she went from pretty reliable to very flaky and even cold. She didn't care much about the deeper aspects of contemplating the self either. My friends wanted easy distractions. And I was the only one turning inward and fixing shit, though I pretended it was the other way around for so long. Around this time I went through some really heavy shit. I won't mention all because this is a novel already. But many of my loved ones died, and though we moved in a real house, (and my mom got a job) and I was physically closer too my family, I felt like an outlier and were weren't close . I tolerated bullying at work and by friends. And became nasty to my friends in retaliation. I was frustrated that no one really cared that I was alive. In fact, it seemed like they didn't want me alive in the first place. Turning inward became too painful and I stopped. Instead, I sought validation from my friends. Geena offered me shallow advise equivalent to "tough it out" and Jay-I appreciated his brutal honesty, but with this he also told me he really didn't care if I died or not. If I was gone from his life, he wouldn't feel anything. He just didn't care. But I needed someone to care- or so I thought. Kindness became a very rare thing, and my friends avoided me. I wasn't even allowed to text once a week. To be far, at this point I was really needy. I was drowning and in my attempts to claw myself back up from my sorrow, I cut deep into them. Getting upset when they wouldn't check on me, or avoid talking to me. Months would go by before they'd hang out with me- it was rare. They had the free time to, they just didn't want to. I know it isn't my place to expect people to care about me. I learned that from this experience. But I thought that if they just knew why I was like this, and what was really long...well, they'd have to feel something. I never learned how to express my emotions. I went from being rigidly stotic to a bleeding heart pretty much overnight. I was just so sick of hiding it. I thought all my worrying was probably for naught. It was only in my head they didn't like me. But sometimes, we aren't deceiving ourselves. I went to both of them with suicidal thoughts a couple of times. Neither really offered help. In fact, Geena told me "Just stop, I don't have time for this" the last time I asked for help. Jay called me once, to "make sure I was safe." Jay really confuses me, he would go between saying he cared and then he didn't. This call meant the world to me. It was the one good moment of my 2017, and...he will never know, if he really did care, that he helped. Do not think Jay or Geena are purely evil in this- examples of good they brought- Jay- The aforementioned phone call. Assuring me my problems were validate, and assuring me through text he'd always listen. Coming to visit me the most often. Presenting a willingness to understand my depression and anxiousness. He would be very honest with me and even offered to tutor me in math and help me get into college. Geena-Taking me out places when I was down. Offering me heartfelt compliments when I was sad and at one point, I knew I always had a place to go with her. Also tried to help get me into college. I will focus mainly on this one night that still haunts me. This was August 16nth, 2017. I had come home from a awful day at work and went to my room, alone. Throughout the last few months, I had been really going over in my head how much I suffer and how little control I had over that. This snowballed my suicidal feelings rapidly. Culminating when I just missed the mark by a day for getting into college. Today was when I read the email I wouldn't be getting into college. I remember just sitting there, at first feeling a searing hot pain, then nothing. Then pain again then even more and more and...I did what I do best. I concocted a plan to kill myself and-gosh did I feel better. I remember humming along to a upbeat tone as I researched effective ways. A text from Jay pierced my concentration on this, and it snapped me back half way. I told him what I was doing, and that I needed someone. And at first he talked with me. Being very nice and understanding. But after an hour, he decided he was just going to go to bed (earlier than normal) without checking to make sure I was okay. I made sure to let him know I was still planning to do it. This was me crying for help, but he didn't want to hear it. Long story short, I tried and obviously failed to kill myself. I won't go into details, but I woke up the next morning frustrated and hopeless. And Jay had seen my messages, but did nothing. In retrospect, I think he thought I was lying about not only attempting it, but being serious about it. If he thought I was a liar, I don't think I can blame him for what he did. I wouldn't care all that much either if a mean liar was blowing up my phone all the time. I think it was much easier to believe a lie than the actual truth for him. Later that day, we got into a fight. Where he said he knew he should be groveling, but he just wasn't. He just wasn't going to apologize and he espoused that though he didn't have the desire for me to be dead, he didn't care if I was. And...I'm ashamed to admit but I forgave him! In a time of need in February 2018, when I had made it clear I had just been physically attacked by my mother, was moving and needed a place to sleep for a few nights...he said that though there was couchspace at the place he was roomating, and though he allowed his friends to do this before, it wasn't okay for me. He wouldn't help me, but he came to visit me instead when I had the designated times to pack at where I used to live. Now it doesn't hurt nearly as much, but I'd like to hear your perspectives on this. It's been a while since I've been a bleeding heart, but I hope somewhere in my narrative, there is a lesson for you. What are some ways you move on? I also have considered that perhaps I'm looking at this the wrong way. Jay and Geena in some ways were at least stage yellow, where I was a strong green with flecks of yellow. Perhaps I convinced myself they were yellow when they were much more orange, or maybe they were both, and didn't transition through the compassionate side of green. I am still hovering on the strong side of green. I like to think I am a mostly yellow individual now, but I recognize we love to place ourselves higher on the spiral than we really are. My ego would love to say we are 80% turquoise, but realistically, I know better. I feel like I may have had a sloppy transition somewhere through the spiral, maybe you already see where that was?

@Dumivid That is extremely inspiring and helpful. Though I feel awful knowing you guys went through the same thing (if your situation was anything like mine, it was the peak of my dysfunctional behaviors and the most emotional pain I've ever had in my life) it immediately lifts some of the pain. Like in development work when you finally wake up to a truth you dismissed before, but as a whole was really obvious. This is also very true and something to think about(I laughed pretty hard when I read or not because that's exactly what I've been working on). And is also a healthy way to look at this instead of wallowing like I spent last year doing. Good call on the replacing addiction bit, I already see how I kinda went down that path. Thankfully only briefly, though I am sure I will find out I deceived myself about that once again in like a month. The problem we think is the most special is actually the most common one might just make in into my writing one of these days, because its simple profundity really got to me, and I am sure others would benefit. @Markus Thank you again for the wisdom, and affirming I'm not alone. It really is crazy that all three of us happened to stumble across this same place. That or it's the most ordinary thing that couldn't have happened any other way- I still perceive it as something special. I defiantly will keep an eye out for more wisdom from each of you in the future! And can get around to sharing any of my wisdom if you ever felt the need to seek it out!

Oh boy, this one is a hard one for me. But the more I do personal development work, the more I do wonder if some of the most basic concepts we hold are healthy. Perhaps empathy as a whole isn't bad- and as we progress further into enlightenment it takes a different form? In spiral dynamics, I have noticed empathy means radically different things at each stage. And have been pondering if this is true to in general- at different stages of our lives, empathy does evolve and take different shapes. Or is empathy conceptually flawed? While we are at it, does anyone think the societal view and concept of friendship/family is flawed? Empathy is largely a by-product of being social creatures, and we are among the few who can (as far as science knows anyway) feel it; so in large part, it is a niche, very human phenomena. Could a-let's say alien- physically incapable of empathy, reach enlightenment? Is empathy crucial for Enlightenment? Or must it be let go? I'd love to hear all of your perspectives! (In retrospect I realize this should have gone in the spirituality section- I hope you will still humble me with your wisdom even though I made this mistake!)