Nervtine

@kieranperez You do have a point- a good example how I inject high emotion where there may be none. With direct sentence structure it is easy to misconceive it being angry. Good example how we are really only describing ourselves when we try to describe others. Zambize stated what I thought though, something maybe to think about, or roll your eyes at. Best of luck to both of you either way.

@Markus I am at loss for words- this is a profound insight I can't believe I didn't grasp. Thank you for sharing it with me. I didn't realize how much I needed to hear that until now. With that, take care of yourself and I wish you the best on this journey. @kieranperez Defiantly a thought provoking video. I understand why you'd get upset by that- thinking I am non-empathetic because I asked this. I've noticed this trend too, and it deeply saddens me, but it is important to know these people have their own reasons for why they don't: devoid if we think it's good or bad. But your assumption I don't feel empathy ended up causing you anger, so I invite you to that sometimes what we perceive others say (especially over something like the internet, it is much easier to come to a misunderstanding) just isn't so. I have allowed empathy to cripple me, and still do to a degree; in regards to I feel so triggered over something, I just can't see clearly and end up causing just as much harm with my hurt over what hurt me in the first place. I thought it would be interesting taking one of the things I believe the most in, and looking at it from another angle. Throughout my development, I've realized that empathy in it's conceptual form, is something I am very attached to, maybe you can relate? Or perhaps you see where I am still misguided, we all undoubtedly are. Very good insights though, I will keep those in mind. I hope the best for you, and here is to constant growth for both of us. @bejapuskas Thank you for your concise words, I will make sure to remember this. @Truth Addict Oof, that's a nice slug to a sneaky trick of the ego. That's something that will assuredly come up next time I meditate. Thank you for sharing that with me. Crazy how we can be so sure of something, and the only thing needed to destabilize it is twelve simple words. @lmfao Very deep insights- I will consider this when I get caught up on trying to moralize things, and shoot for gaining a formless mind. I will try and be more conscious myself why I am actually being nice to someone, and what that says about me internally.

@Markus I had to do a double take reading your story, because it was almost identical to mine. Down to having feelings for one of them, and that they had mental issues themselves. It is reassuring knowing I am not the only one who has gone through this, and that one can move on from it. Thank you for your wisdom, Markrus, it will defiantly be something I remember when I try to obsess over the topic again. @ajasatya A profound insight I can't believe I hadn't considered, thank you for your insight.

Thank everyone who has shared their wisdom on this post! You've given me some invaluable things to think about. Does anyone happen to know what stage coral is like? I of course, have ideas/beliefs about them, but has anyone embodied it or known someone who has? (I imagine by that stage you already realize you probably were coral all along, and this spiral too, was just a deceptive believe. Or I am totally wrong- or maybe both!)

(This is all in reference to Spiral Dynamics, Leo has some fantastic videos on them if you want to know more!) What are some challenges any of you have faced while transcending green? How do you honestly gauge where you are in the cycle and how have you transcended previous stages? And also, how do you transcend yellow into turquoise? I'd love to hear anyone's story and hope to generate a good discussion on the topic.

I relate to your topic starter quite a bit. Even down to stuff that happened in 11nth grade, having awful experiences with people and online schooling-though mine took place in 2016. I spent the last three years mostly holed up in my room too, and gosh, I know how much in can be a drag. It can be very hard to have no friends- I still don't have any myself. But I challenge you to recognize this as a misunderstood opportunity. You don't have those people to distract you from social development yet. And trust me, when you find a real friendship, you do end up having less time. No one wants to wait for them, but I must stress that the wait is worth it. I am glad to hear you have at least one family member helping you. I'd never wish it on anyone to know what it feels like to not have that like I have. We are never truly as alone as we feel, I think that's important to remember. Walks and the park and going to the library sounds like a perfect day to me. But in the mean time while that isn't possible, let's focus on bringing something that will make your life better into your room. You mentioned feeling like you couldn't be productive in a job or create a career. Stop me if I am wrong in assuming this, but it sounds a lot like I may be talking to someone who also has depression. This stopped me for a while too-mostly that everpresent good enough feeling did me in for a while. Back on bringing something in your room- I would defiantly start looking for your life purpose and how that can be physically manifested. Look where your natural talents lay and capitalize on them. Even if you don't feel you have any, start working on building some. The first step at being truly amazing at something is to be a complete failure at it. You do have an internet connected device, so you have the capacity to research what you want to do. Honestly, I can't help but be a little envious: Finding your life purpose is one of the most rewarding part of personal development, and is a journey you (usually) only take once. And I relate all too well with social withdraw. I've been in a state of that most my life, and have never fully conquered it. Work on trying to connect with people in the physical world- a good way is going to the library, joining a club or even getting a gym membership. Online relationships can be very good, but people who are present there with you is the most fulfilling. And know you aren't alone in this struggle, as I am in the same boat. Here's to hoping luck for both of us. And hopefully this weekend will find both of us self reflecting on a stroll in the park this weekend with a bag full of books.

@Bluebird You are right, everything isn't related to the spiral. I'll keep in mind making sure my titles reflect the content better. My hope was to see if anyone saw were I had a kink in the situation in general, but I suppose that may not have come across properly. I've been working on processing a lot of this for the better part of two years now, and I find myself coming back to it much more often than I know is healthy. Any advice/pointers on how you've moved on from something could prove useful. Your insight on how, even if I moved up the spiral, I would be bringing a lot of that trauma with me is something I will remember. It is defiantly harder to focus on personal development when swarmed by unprocessed traumas. At least in this situation, I know why people left my life. Candidly, they didn't care and you can't force or expect someone to value your life. That was a huge learning opportunity there for me. And I didn't try to truly understand them until after the fact- fighting their animosity with my own. I've looked for people who are either too radically different from me, or who are too similar. As with everything, a balance must be struck. I actually wonder, do you think friendship, as we know it now is flawed as a concept and in the societal practice? I know that doesn't have anything to do with the title of the thread, but I am interested in what you, and anyone else who wants to put in their perspective thinks. Thank you for your concise, wise words Bluebird, I wish you luck and all the best too. I will keep in mind not to worry about running up the spiral, because it is, like you said, truly arbitrary.

Alright, going in dear reader, I know what my life purpose is- or at least, the path it is directing myself and eventually others on. For those of you familiar with the Japanese model for happiness (known as Inkagi, it is a good model worth looking at for not only reference to this post, but your own life as well) it ticks all of the boxes. Problem being? I don't know if I even agree with my prestablished beliefs that it will do certain things. My goal is to publish quick a few book series in the future. Specifically highly fictional ones. Now one of my goals is to weave strong themes of self actualization into the narrative. To many of you, this is either admirable or misguided, and I think both camps are right to some degree. And yes, you can lead a horse to water but can't make him drink- I know this and accept it, going as far to think each interpretation of the book and lessons is more important than my original meaning. This isn't the issue either. Throughout jumping through the actualizing hoops, I've increasingly become disgruntled with how many things in our life truly are distractions from bettering ourselves. Even our treasured talents and life purposes hold us back in some right. This focus on distraction really left a bad taste in my mouth, and I've lessened my participation in the more obvious vocations branded with this label. There is some shiftiness in myself even posting this, as I also see too, how this form is just a potential fog of disillusionment. The main problem I've stumble on and have allowed to leach my motivation is this: my books inherently are a product used for a distraction by others. My goal is to inspire others to inspire themselves to fix their own lives after (hopefully) being inspired by my fantastical stories. That expectation may be the weight that is the core issue. To reiterate, I'm a advocate of death of the author- so I'm not upset if there are different interpretations. What do you think? Should I push through it, and sell a product I undoubtedly would be proud of, knowing it is by design against what I am hoping the audience should get out of it? What self deceptive traps am I falling into? As from your vantage point, it may be easier to see. And feel free to drop your own struggles below!

Defiantly stick to your studies, but still pursue drawing on the side. I love the idea of combining psychology and the arts, and think that would be the best route. Don't ever limit yourself to just one rigid view for life purpose- you can and should do both. Dip your foot in every pond while you are at it- there are so many different forms of it-even two people drawing the same apple in front of them while be entirely different- don't just settle for one. Undoubtedly, you will have this surge of feeling like you've found your calling many times in your live. I affectionately call this Purpose Flash. It would be best to test run these (like you quoted from Leo, prime the pump) before sticking with them. Especially at this age, we are still developing: really, we don't ever stop, but I akin it to milestones of development we've reached in previous stages. At one point I was sure I wanted to be a Physicist and general pursuer of the sciences. Then I had a vision for being a author/artist combo, and like you said, I thought for sure I had something. Then bam, another purpose flash and now I wanted to be a activist and so on and so forth. I think this cycle is important for everyone to go through. In some way, it helps teach a healthy amount of non-attachment to your passion. Coming from someone who has been drawing for more than a decade, I am rooting for your success in the art world if that's what revitalizes you. It's not an easy road to go down. In fact, you may find some parallels between improving in it and in personal development. Even the thing that fills us with this charging energy can also drain us when the going gets tough. It's important to remember when you feel you've failed at something to: 1.feel your feelings- I've found doing the counter-intuitive thing and even letting the sadness temporarily break you. (remember, it is your ego breaking, not your true self) This sends me back rearing with inspiration once I realize after sitting on it how, when looking at things objectively, how I messed up 2. Know that every one success is built on the foundation of 1,000 failures. In fact, it is a luxury to feel uncomfortable with your current stage of development- it means you have found a journey to go on! And really, who doesn't love a journey? 3. And at no point will you stop improving. There will be others who try and convince you otherwise. 4. And finally, take it easy. You won't become a phenomenal artist overnight. In the same vein of I can't wake up the next morning and be world renowned for mastering mathematics when just the night before I was having trouble remembering how to multiply fractions. You will desperately try and shoulder through and improve as fast as you want- I haven't met and artist who wasn't immune to this. But we all have to take baby steps. We only get to take this journey once, so we might as well take it at a fitting pace and admire the scenery of it as we trudge along. For now, I suggest working on the basics of art-no one has ever gone from stick figures to realism through the power of wishing. Perfect the stick figures, then make some magnificently flawed realism sketches-flaws really are what make a piece, and another name for flaw is style. Even buy a separate sketchbook and doodle in it when you are stressed. Aim to complete one piece of art a day. At first, it will seem like your practice doesn't show. But it you keep to it, ability will bloom and grow. Hope this was helpful! By either helping point you to what you think you should or shouldn't do! And remember to take care of yourself!

Overall, I am most fond about the process of creating ideas. There is a love for the writing too, but when I have sat down to write as of late, I have also been worrying about a few things which ends up turning into contemplation: One thing that I've allowed to cripple me is I recognize that my own messages and ideas have their own mortality. The beliefs I hold now likely won't be the ones I hold in a month, year or decade. And those of course bleed into my work. End point being I won't agree with the messages forever. Tying in with that last point, I worry about the impact my messages could bring. As I will undoubtedly be misguided in many of them. People tend to replicate fiction (really, how much distinction is there between fiction and reality?) which would have some impact on the world. Leaving me to meticulously try and stratagise things out so my inevitable blunders are minimal. I recognize this ends up with me getting stuck and with my wheels spinning in place. Perhaps it could help others who were at my previous stage of development- this is something that eases me a little thinking on it. Thank you for your wisdom, peanutspathtotruth. It sounds like I may just be over complicating things. As of late I haven't been feeling that passionate spark for writing because I've made it into a galvanized ball of stress- something that used to flat out depress me, but now I just feel a bitter sting of sadness the more I do personal development work. I wish you on the best of your journey as well, and will keep in mind when I think things are falling apart in my creative world, they are usually falling into place. That's perhaps the most profound thing the pursuit of the arts has taught me.