Nervtine

Though I am sure on what my life purpose is (author and artist) I get caught up in the "not good enough" feeling a lot of the time. Sometimes I feel like the projects I have are either too ambitious, or they are such a good idea I would be remiss to make them debuts, as they would be tainted with amateurish mistakes. Emotional mastery is something I've been working on, and if any of you had insights on how you have gotten past this, I'm game to hear. Trying to push me into "Just do it!" mode prematurely burns me out on a project, which ends up making me feel even more hopeless. I've been stuck on a few projects for 10 times longer than I probably should be, and am dealing with the guilt that comes from that. And I know seeking solace in the forum probably shouldn't be the first step, but I'm combined with a tough last few days, this has me at a loss and I've found myself just wanting to curl up in bed and forget about my dreams.

@Dumivid Well put. It has helped more than you know to finally be understood. @Nahm Good stuff for anyone here. Thanks everyone for everything!

@Javfly33 Well put, and a legendary quote. @Mintberrycrunch Fixing the sleep problem is the healthiest first step. I don't know how I overlooked that.

@Hellspeed Honey, I do see how this is important for you, but this is the last time I am going to ask you to stop. We both know I can whip out my own proofs too. I feel you may be trying to convince yourself more than us. That's what I did when I used to get into heated debates. And avoided looking at that for years because it hurt too much to accept. I am glad you have a passionate fire, but perhaps that could be directed on your life purpose more than telling others how wrong they are all day? (I know, I know, I see the irony) Go treat yourself to a relaxing bubblebath or the like, as it feels like this may have broiled your blood. And these videos heavily rely on personal bias; something you hate that others do, so why not stop doing it yourself? I know it is frustrating that no one seems to be taking your side, but maybe it would be good to think why- and you can still disagree and tell me I smell on top of it if you want. But will that make you happy? (Though I would have to admire your nasal capacity in that regard.)

@NahmThank you very much for all of that. And thank you for breaking down my message like that, it is very eye opening. These are such profound insights, I can't do much more than marvel at them and tell you that you are a good bean 100 times over. This part really got to me.

All and all, listen to your body. Be mindful how different foods make you feel after eating them. And try to avoid labeling yourself as "someone who doesn't eat x," it's a personal choice for you and you will get pressure from others to change back if they don't have proper education. I'll admit, I am bias to for what I am recognizing, so don't take this as gospel. Anyone who is dogmatic that you should follow a direct way is full of shit There isn't a one size fits all way to eat, so research and planning are needed for everyone. Cutting out animal products is essential for good health, and I commend you on your progress! Saturated fats don't need to be completely eliminated, just watched. Here are some sources you may enjoy: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/19562864 https://www.organicauthority.com/buzz-news/vegan-diet-appropriate-for-all-stages-of-the-life-cycle-says-largest-group-of-nutritionists https://sciencebasedmedicine.org/the-skinny-on-saturated-fat/

@Athena After the fact, I'd say so. Could you define what you mean by cosmic though...? I remember when I first posted this I was worried no one would relate at all, and of course I talked to others who had similar timelines. I hope you get the same odd closure from that which I do.

@Nahm That is most defiantly the biggest root cause of this. Thinking I need anyone... It's even harder as an empath, as I usually get to know people better then themselves, and probably have a stronger connection with themselves than they do. I always feel like it is my duty to help them see when it isn't my duty at all. I get upset knowing that these people only hurt me because they were hurt themselves...I know, I am working on breathing right now. It is one of their birthdays today and...honestly, I don't know if they are even alive. I know, I need to implement some non-attachment- but is it okay for me to be upset knowing I can't help at all? Or maybe that is me trying to control, and control is the biggest illusion there is. I get upset not having people to talk to about this without judgment in my real life a bit- but again, maybe that really is a problem with me judging myself. Letting go is what I am aiming to do. You'd think it would be easier than clinging onto unhealthy things, but that's just the counter intuitive nature of being I suppose. Sorry for venting some things not conducive to the topic, I am still seeking to talk about it outwardly while I learn to soothe myself internally.

Sounds a bit like disassociation to me- as someone with regular episodes, I know all about feeling like you are a part of reality one minute, then feeling gone the next. It flares up specifically when I haven't had sleep. Maybe you can relate to some of these feelings? When it happens for the first time, it does feel like a psychotic break. Have you also been stressed in general? Stress can do this in a way. Here is a good video on it and another thing it could be:

@Mintberrycrunch Gosh, I know what it is like to feel that way, and you aren't alone in having those odd body reactions to it. I also know what it feels like to go to therapy and for it to not help. Do you have anyone else to talk to? Personally, I am here to listen to anything you need to say. Suicidal thoughts are an older, overbearing/toxic friend of mine that try and creep up every now and then. If you are close to acting on them though, go to the hospital and tell them this, they will take care of it from there. One thing that helped me was really being honest with myself why I had a repetitive thought. I know you are already in a lot of pain, but it has to hurt a hell of a lot before it gets better. Repetitive thoughts are usually us not processing something right or trying to deny something, when deep down we know what the truth is. Finding a way to process these thoughts in a healthy way is paramount. I've found taking a walk, drawing and meditation help loads. Do something you love- I recommend trying to find your life purpose and focusing on that. Maybe you just need to have a good cry and nap- I did these a lot as someone with anxiety and depression. I find when I start shaking at random to suppress a thought, I need to actually let that feeling wash over me. But like a wave, it does eventually pass and you continue down the path of life. Watch your thoughts mindfully, without judgment at one point, then try to do this most days. Working on emotional mastery is crucial for this as well. I am still working on that myself- it is hard business, but undoubtedly worth it. Treat yourself like you are the most valuable thing on earth, because spoiler alert, you are. Every part of existence is, even when you don't feel like it. Go and buy stuff for a relaxing bubble bath and soak up your emotions like the water surrounding you. Make a day and go somewhere you've wanted to go and enjoy the sights. Allow yourself to enjoy life, because I know we all too often cope ourselves up under the gist of needing to work/do school or feel obligated to do something and not allow ourselves to live our dreams.

Striving to help animals, I think, is already a green move and even yellow move. With a dog trainer, helping clients explore how to turn their weaknesses into strengths could be useful. And also striving to understand why certain behaviors arise. Tobby doesn't tear up the couch just to spite you: perhaps he is bored or even angry with you. Help teach them to value the animals perspective, and learn to be in tune with what they are saying. Even suggesting a study on what certain body languages and barks mean could be extraordinarily helpful. Another green move would be suggesting toys that can biodegrade in the next 100 years. Instead of buying plastic balls- maybe a tightly wound seagrass ball instead. A stage turquoise move I suppose would be seeing no division between your pet and yourself- you are them and they are you. So encouraging being nice to the dog is also being nice to yourself. You could discuss this with other open minded individuals, but it isn't really something you can sell.

@bejapuskas I'm not sure how it is connected, but yeah, I don't go against the rules of nofap, if I remember them correctly. In a way, it isn't too scary to think of going up to strangers- it just that I rarely get the opportunity as a stay at home writer and artist. Evocative music has been a huge help to me in the past few years, so good call. Overall, thank you for the advice!

@ajasatya Very good insight. It is really easy for me to mentally jack myself off with the personality I've cultivated. I'm gonna have to write that down and stick it on my fridge.

@Dumivid That is an interesting perspective. I am placed oddly on the social calibration scale. I am usually perceived as easy going and easy to talk to, and even a good conversationalist (this is a 180 turn around from the last few years, were I was meek, awkward and abrasive). I have high points in empathy and group problem solving, but when it comes to doing something fun- I am fucking clueless. ("What do you mean tackling your shadow self isn't fun? It's only feels like your entire being is being torn apart cell by cell!?" "Busting your ass on a project isn't fun? Whaaat?!?") I guess in that regard, my fun-sympathy/empathy is low. Overall I agree. As a whole, I am abysmal at small talk. I'm at that stage where I question it. Small talk? But why? Why can't we all just have profound conversations off the bat? Once upon a time this was a concept I'd praise, but in reality, it speaks to my low understanding of how healthy relationships function. I've only known and allowed myself to be in dysfunction, so that's all I knew how to process for a while. Going as far to try to turn things that were healthy into dysfunctional because I just couldn't understand it. It also speaks to me being undisciplined and too lazy to figure out the formula for how small talk works- of course throwing the blanket of "No no no, this is because I'm real with people" over it. I never really learned how to deep share until recently (2017- yeah, we know where that went). Of course, that's an ability I was so excited to share. Problem being is I didn't have friends that I knew well. I was avoidant of that because I thought I needed attachment, or that they wouldn't be attached to me. Now I kind of have someone, but in reality, we are still learning about each other. That's been my biggest barrier. I've just expected people to be on my same wavelength, but they just aren't. Be that when I had next to no development, or high development. In the end, I guess it's about finding commonalities. Most people just don't wanna turn inward and question life. And we have to be okay with that- I've tired mental throttling people to my level, doesn't work.

@bejapuskas Gosh, I dunno if I could even last 17 hours, haha. Thinking (I mean, that in general too) about those kind of topics is my number one addiction above all else. As far as I know, my fiancee is the opposite sex and they are the main person I talk to, so that's a good check. I usually favor talking to guys (half the people on here think I am a guy, so sorry for ruining the illusion) so another plus. In some ways, it's a lot harder for me to talk to women, even though biologically I have those bits. I am defiantly more rational and analytical, and one of my greater challenges has been learning to truly embrace my feminine side. Haha, I relate strongly to this. I usually try to engage in deeper topics right away- something like this: Stranger breaking the ice:"Fine weather today, huh?" Me:"Have you recognized how every one of your choices affected the person you are today? And how has your development gone on working past your firmly established disillusions and growing to be a greater individual as a whole?" Stranger exits stage left. I've been working on being less blunt as well. Trying to get to know them first, then trying to see if they want something of substance. We all need to go through certain stages- in fact, we are in some stage now, whether we realize it or not- to become who we are tomorrow. The willingness to improve is paramount. One of my biggest past mistakes was thinking I could help people, even if they didn't want my help. I mean, I only wasted a few years of my life doing that, whoopsie daises.