JeffR1

I agree with Neill, a 'just do it' attitude just isn't helpful. From my experience and learning, there is almost always an underlying emotional or psychological cause to over-eating. The 'experts' suggest over-eating is about trying to fill a void within - most likely a void of lack of love, approval of others and self-approval. I highly recommend Dr Phil McGraw's book 'The Ultimate Weight Solution'. Basically, Dr Phil says over-eating (or any other addiction for that matter) is a physical way of 'curing' a psychological problem. Go deep and seek for the answers within. Only then will you succeed on your journey. Best wishes.

@Psychonaut Hi. I empathise with your situation - I've been there and done that. What stands out to me is your comment "I know you shouldn't try to fix other people". There is your answer! It is not your job to 'fix' other people. We each have our own own journey. May I suggest it is not 'your' problem to fix your family. It is what it is. Perhaps you can find peace in understanding this. You have your life to live. You have said you are the happiest now in your entire life. Enjoy that happiness and look forward to your future. I found just accepting my folks for who they are and understanding how they have become who they are now has helped so much. Best wishes.

@MelanieWalker You may wish to check out a thread over on the Dating, Relationships, Sexuality page entitled: 'Is There Such A Thing As An Empath, I Think I'm One, Just Realising It'. Perhaps something in there resonates with you in terms of the emotions you feel to do with others. To some extent, I can relate to your situation. I find also that I don't really have many people I can talk to. That's okay, some people are just not open to it - I learned that after a while! And, I think, 'that's okay, I'm on my journey and they are on their's'. I can also relate to people wasting their time and getting caught up all manner of things. I tend to be more able now to be less judgemental and things don't get to me as much. I still find myself looking at someone and a judgemental thought comes into my mind. But, I am now more able to quickly realise, acknowledge and release that judgement. It certainly is worthwhile going deep within to investigate whether there is something contributing to how you feel and relate. I found out at the age of 47 that I was a surviving twin! I found out during a session of Neuro Emotional Technique (NET) with my chiropractor. My parents didn't even know. But, there is so much about life we don't know. Knowing that at conception there was twin with me helps to explain so much about my life to date. And, this knowledge has helped me in so many ways on my journey. Best wishes.

@Sarah_Flagg Sometimes even making choices about what we want brings with it fears. Sometimes we can't seem to any way forward that doesn't bring up fear in us. Just checking that when you say 'what I actually want', are you referring to your authentic self or to the persona you show to all else? I use the term 'masks', in that we all wear or put on masks, depending on the moment, the situation or where we are at any given time. Under all the masks, however, is the authentic self. I have found so many cling to their masks with such power, they refuse even to allow themselves, let alone others, see who they really are! If you are after some material you can study to help you discover your authentic self and perhaps assist you in making decisions not out of fear, I can recommend two books. I was married for almost 25 years and had two children (aged 14 and 16 at that time), but the marriage was slowly but surely going downhill. I felt my ex had put more and more masks on to the point I didn't know who she was. She steadfastly refused to acknowledge that things weren't okay. So, I had a decision to make and either way looked really scary. Two books that really helped me are: 'Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway', by Susan Jeffers, and the other 'Self Matters', by Dr Phil McGraw. I'd read both books a number of times, but didn't actually "DO" the work! I decided I owed it to myself and others that I needed to know to the best degree I could, that I was making the best decision I could given the circumstances. What I found after doing this work (and it is inner work) was that I (the authentic I) needed to leave the situation. And so I did. Was it easy? Absolutely not! Do I regret it? Absolutely not! Do I hold resentment or anger? Absolutely not! Have I forgiven myself and others? Absolutely yes! I trust you can find the authentic I within. It doesn't life doesn't have its bumps in the road, though it does help to smooth out those bumps and keep on track. Best wishes.

@Samir Hi. Mammals usually only have milk for maybe up to the first two years of life. The digestive system changes past this age to digest solid foods. What we need to nourish us in those first two years can be an irritant later. Some people say they are lactose intolerant, though many are actually intolerant to the casein in dairy products. Cheese breaks down the casein content to an extent and so can be more tolerable. From my personal experience, cutting out dairy has had a remarkable improvement in my digestive system and how I feel overall.

@a e l i Hi. I find I tend to dream more when I'm feeling stressed, not grounded or have much going on in life. My take on it is that it is the subconscious mind processing what the conscious mind cannot during our waking hours. I also feel our dreams can sometimes be a way in which our subconscious mind communicates with our conscious mind. If I dream and I can recall what I dreamt, I'll usually give some thought to what the dream(s) mean. To me, dreams seem to be metaphors which will often require interpretation; others can be quite direct and the correlation to my waking life is quickly apparent. I remember one dream I had quite a few years ago. At first glance, one might think this dream is somewhat macabre - to me it wasn't. In my dream my father was laying dead on the floor. There was kind of like curtains or blinds or material hanging around (not walls). My sister was there with me. My father's face looked nothing like my actual father's face, but in my dream, I knew it was my father. I had this idea that I was going to cut his face off with a sharp knife that I had in my hand. I told my sister what I intended to do; she started crying and said something to the effect she couldn't be there for that and left. That is all I remember from the dream. So back to my life at that time, in which I was doing a lot of inner work and working on forgiveness, acceptance and releasing judgemental thoughts. My upbringing was somewhat difficult as my father was an aggressive, abusive and sometimes violent alcoholic and this brought much chaos and fear in the family. I had many years of holding onto a range of feelings, emotions and thoughts about my father. Then, one day, I had what some call an epiphany. I felt complete understanding that it wasn't my father who behaved as he did - it was the alcohol! In that instant I found forgiveness for him and our relationship has since changed dramatically for the better. (I might add he eventually stopped drinking after nearly dying numerous times and hasn't had a drink since). My take on my dream was that seeing my father dead represented letting go of my perception of who my father was as an alcoholic - ie. The alcoholic died, not my father. Hence also why in my dream he looked different. My take on cutting his face off was that I was revealing the 'real' father and letting go of the alcoholic. And it was my hope in the dream that others could them see him and not the alcoholic. My sister couldn't stay there, as she wasn't ready to forgive (in real life that was and to some extent still is). Good question aeli. Perhaps it might generate much discussion. I feel dreams have a purpose and I am okay with looking at my dreams, trying to work out what they might be telling me or guiding me. Best wishes.

@gian Hi gian. I've had three career jobs to date. In each I felt passionate about my work, though I also found there was a time for change. I haven't regretted time spent in those fields of endeavour as I learnt a lot along the way. You are so right that you that may end up finding work utilising your MBA and passion for health and wellness. I benefited a lot from a book by Susan Jeffers, called Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway. In her book, Susan describes a method of 'no lose decision making'. I've read the book a few times now and it really has helped me to push through my fears and let go of outcomes or expectations, and, to appreciate what I have learned along the way. Here's a quote I found about the no lose decision making model. Best wishes. "We're all so scared of making mistakes that we become paralysed and end up making no decision at all, which keeps us stuck in an unhappy place. Well, how's about looking at it a different way? Susan Jeffers, the author of Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway, believes in "No Lose Decision Making" - she believes that whatever choice we make will lead to new experiences and learning opportunities. In other words, a win-win situation. So even if we decide to leave our job but find we hate our new job just as much, Susan would argue that you will be meeting new people at the new job who may be useful, or you'll be learning good lessons about what it is that you do and don't want to do in life. It's all about how you see things. So this week, try to relax about any decision making. Tell yourself that whatever happens, "it's all happening perfectly"".

@7thLetter Hi. Some really good tips and hints by other members. I too have felt the feeling of extreme introversion. It is something that you can overcome. I'm certainly by no means an extrovert now, though I feel more comfortable now talking with people. I can't say I know for sure what it is that I seemed to have shifted. It could be that I am older now. It could be the jobs I've had and the training I underwent. It could be the work I've been doing on self-development. I'm really not sure. One thing that does stand out to me in your post is the following: And because of the fact that I don't talk as much as I did from the start, they seem to think that I'm probably judging them. This struck a chord with me, as it seems you may be caught up in what others are thinking about you. We can't read others' minds and we can't control others. Again, I've been there and done that - thinking I know what others are thinking! May I suggest you consider the possibility of letting go of the outcomes of anything, letting go of any expectations you may have, and, letting go of the idea you could know what others are thinking. I now prefer to ascribe to the saying: 'What others think of me is none of my business '! Best wishes.

@7thLetter Hi. I have a CD with subliminal affirmations of self-belief. I've had it for about 9 years. I was going through a really tough period of life when someone gave it to me. I can't say for sure whether it helped, as of course the messages are subliminal. That said, I found the music very calming and helped to quiet my mind. Also, I had been doing a lot of inner work. Through this time I've mostly held, and still do, belief in myself and journey in life. So my view is: it's another tool for the self-development toolbox! And, as we know, any great craftsperson usually has a variety of tools they use for their craft and to develop mastery. Cheers.

@abrakamowse Hi. Great question! I've been there and done that - I still do at times. Like you, I consider myself an analytical person and my monkey mind ran riot. Meditation, in its many forms, is of great value in slowing down the thoughts and finding inner quiet. Being present in the moment also helps. So too, is letting go of expectations / outcomes and / or trying to control the world around you. Acceptance is also key. I am more able now to quiet my mind as I can let go of outcomes, trying to control things and just accepting what is. My sister struggles a lot with over-thinking and it can cause her much distress. Dr Phil has a method which he says anyone can use to help them find out if a behaviour contributes to your enjoyment of life or if it is contaminating your life. It's a simple question: ask yourself if your behaviour is interfering with you or other people having a positive, happy and healthy life. If the behaviour is, then it is something you should considering changing. For example, my sister has told me that often when she goes to bed, she starts to ruminate over her day. She thinks about things she could have or should have done or said. Then she scolds herself in her thoughts for her perceived wrongs / inadaquacies. This then prevents her from drifting off to a peaceful sleep. So, she tosses and turns, getting more and more frustrated and angry. Then she starts to worry about not getting enough sleep and being too tired the next day. So, she gets up and has drink and something eat; then tries going back to bed. And so on it goes - sometimes for hours and leading to her crying! In the meantime, all of her movement and tossing and turning disturbs her fiancé's sleep, often waking him. This causes him annoyance as he needs to get up very early for work. Ultimately, the next day she is tired and irritable and her children have an uptight mother for another day! So, there you go - I would say this is a definite example of where over-thinking is interfering with a person's and other people's enjoyment of life. I have suggested to my sister she may wish to consider the benefits of meditation and self development to help quiet her mind, but to date, she just keeps struggling with her monkey mind. I trust this helps in some way. Best wishes.

@DrMatthewsausage I feel the 'secret' is in your mind! Being your authentic self helps, and yet there are some hurdles one needs to jump over from time to time. I too need to find discipline at times and there remains aspects of my life I would prefer to be different (work in progress). Some of the things I feel have helped me come from others, particularly in books that I have read. Some that have helped me, and continue to do so now, include: 'Change the way you look at things, and the things you look at change'. Dr Wayne W. Dyer 'Feel the fear, and do it anyway'. Susan J. Jeffers 'What you think about you bring about'. Dr John Demartini As a practical example (of the kind I need to practice now and again), I attended a conference yesterday for work. Earlier in the week I really did not want to attend, as I felt it did not really relate to me job directly (a corporate thing). I was thinking, 'boring - what a waste of time'. Then I remembered Dr Dyer's quote and so I thought about it. I thought 'okay, if my employer wants me to attend this conference and is willing to pay my wages for the day to do so, maybe I can go. At least it will get me out the office for the day. Maybe I can learn something I don't know. I can relax on the train to and from the conference. What the hey, I'll go'. So, guess what happened? It was one of the best conferences I've been to. It was more about working in teams to achieve positive outcomes and not to the centric topic I thought it would be. I had a fantastic day; the speakers were excellent and very inspirational. I came home feeling really invigorated and inspired. This has happened to me many times and each time it is easier for me to become aware of my thinking and feelings. Awareness equals present moment. And in the present moment, I have the choice as to how I look at things. I changed the way I looked at things and the things I looked at changed. You too have this choice and power! Best wishes.

@Endew Hi. I guess my first thought is that it appears you are procrastinating. I've been there, done that, and still do at times. I have a few questions for you to self investigate. 'Have I gotten any insights from the books and programs to date?' 'Have I made progress over the past two years?' 'Have I actually applied what I am reading and learning?' Have I actually completed the exercises and techniques I've read or heard about?' 'What's holding me back?' 'What am I scared of?' 'What one thing can I do right now to help me get traction towards a new future?' You can probably think of more questions. I remember a time when I had read a particular book three or four times over several years and 'done the exercises in my head' and thought 'yeah, I get it'. But, things didn't change and I still hadn't moved forward. I was at a juncture in my life and didn't know which way to go - either way was as scary as the other. Then I remembered that book. I decided to dedicate an entire weekend actually following the exercises. I wrote over 150 pages in an exercise book as a result of actually doing the work as it was supposed to be done. When I had finally finished, I felt a huge shift in me and I knew then which direction I needed to take. It was still a hard decision, though it didn't seem as scary as before. I felt better within myself and knew I had done all I could do in that situation. So, my suggestion to you is to think about all the books and programs you have read or done and think about the first element of all of them that comes to your mind and resonates the most with you. This will most likely be what you can start with first. Trust your inner knowing! Best wishes.

@Mastermind Hi and welcome to the forum. The topic of emotional intelligence (EI) is huge and there is a great deal of infomation out there about the topic. Indeed, one area where there seems to be lots of focus on EI is in the business world. You ask if there are any specific thing you could do to improve your EI; this is a big question, as there are so many techniques and aspects to it. So, I will speak from my perspective. But first, I would say you already heading in a positive direction, as your examples indicate. I have, for as long as I can remember, been curious of life, people, nature and how it all works. I study people - a people watcher some might say. It also helps in my work to have a good grasp of EI and practice it well. The four-part definition you provided is your road map to improving your EI. So, self investigation and self development is needed for part one. Once you have a better understanding of self, this naturally leads to part two. Having investigated yourself, you become aware you are human and what it means to be human. This will lead to developing an understanding of emotions of other people. Bring all of this together allows your growth into part four. In practical terms, how do I think I have improved my EI. Firstly, I actively worked at forgiveness of myself and of others. I looked the history of my parents and their parents - this helped me to understand better who they are and how I became who I am. I had lots to work through from my upbringing and lots of forgiveness was needed. Doing this has allowed me to understand empathy a lot more. Interacting with people from an empathetic viewpoint often leads to more positive relationships and outcomes. I also found I needed to let go of any notions I held about being able to control or change people. When someone feels they can just be themselves with you, they feel more at ease and you can both relate to each other better. This also means letting go of judgements, and statements like 'you should / shouldn't ...', 'you can't ...', 'you must ...', 'you are ...' - these type of statements lead to people feelings judged, controlled and not good enough. I've had people say to me that I'm easy to talk to and that they've told me things they've never told anyone else. I'd like to think this is in some way that my level of EI makes them feel comfortable and okay about themselves. Lastly (for the moment) a good dose of active listening, self-awareness, being present and grounded helps so much in improving your EI. Best wishes.

54 years young!

I 'quit' watching, listening to or reading news, current affairs, radio and magazines about 8 years ago - I was going through a tough time and all I was getting from the media was negativity! I needed inner-focus and all the monkey mindless chatter of the media was simply of no use to me. I still watch some TV, but only selected shows relating to my hobbies and interests. I record these shows so I can fast forward the commercials! @a e l i I don't feel any great need to inform myself with what is going on in the world (many of the reasons I share with the posts above). Sometimes I'll hear a grab of information here or there, maybe overhear someone talking and so forth. But, other than that, I prefer to be present as much as I can and the media is just so distracting and negative.